Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

[lifeturnsonadime]

@NameChangePoP

But he's tried to have his son assessed privately - but the EXW won't consent to it.
OP, I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time here either. If you were the EXW and giving the same story you would have all the support in the world. Because you're a man your opinion seems to not matter.
Keep pushing for the assessment, both NHS and privately. Maybe there's a legal route you can go down to ask the court to enforce the private assessment so it's a faster process?

it's nothing to do with the sex of the parent accusing the other parent of FII.

There is a poster on here who says that in a thread last year the OP said their child had been privately assessed as autistic.

This seems a bit fishy to me. Nothing to do with the sex of the parent. Everything to do with knowing about neurodiversity and the issues with assessment and diagnosis.

Everyone loves to have an opinion that a child can't be autistic. It's all over this thread.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

@JustKeepBuilding

If you AS the OP, the DS has been diagnosed with ASD privately.

So you keep saying but if you actually read what op wrote he says the mother paid for a diagnosis and this was all done without the doctor even seeing him!

[FatGirlSwim]

@DarceyG

There is a girl in my DD’s class has not been diagnosed at all her mother is telling her she has autism. The girls brother is process of because he definitely has signs he won’t wear uniform, he eating habits etc but I’ve had this girl to my house plenty of times and she does not display any signs. Harsh to say this but I think some parents want a diagnosis for the extra money it brings. I worked for a second opinion centre for temping for a few months and I was told this by staff

So you’re qualified to assess the child based on a play date in your house? You’re an expert in autistic presentations?

If the girl’s brother is autistic, there’s a high chance that she is too. Neurodivergence runs in families. With ADHD the heritability is even higher.

[MargaretThursday]

@saraclara
If you look at the previous posts from the OP (as others have said) then his ds does have diagnoses from a private doctor of ASD and ADHD. OP just doesn't believe it.

I'd say telling the ds he doesn't have them, and potentially denying help, is far worse.
Even if he doesn't believe it, then he isn't qualified to say that, and certainly shouldn't be saying it to his ds.

[Dylan222]

He did, his mother took him too it, unbeknown to his school or myself. She applied for a ‘opinion’, lied about him to the private doctor, who gave the opinion that he was severely Autistic (ADOS 17) and may have ADHD.

She then used the opinion as an explanation to the Police in response to my sons allegation to them that she had hit him, and used the assessment for benifit fraud.

School statements that on their position, that they did not think my son was Autistic, came after this assessment.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@ZeroFuchsGiven

So you keep saying but if you actually read what op wrote he says the mother paid for a diagnosis and this was all done without the doctor even seeing him!

No professional would do that.

[FatGirlSwim]

So the mum has already paid for private assessment? Hopefully then children’s services will see through this.

At least in court proceedings any assessment would need to be jointly commissioned by both parties to avoid bias.

[Starlightstarbright1]

Have you asked mum why she thinks he has ADHD and Asd?

my D’s has both but masks a lot . I see the real side. Rarely does anyone else…

There is so much information in your thread , my son has friends has learnt how to be a friend, will give eye contact but will look through people.

He isn’t flagged at school as he causes very little problems at school.Educationally he is very clever so has got by on intelligence.


it makes no sense why she would decline assessment unless you are refusing for her to be there

[SignOnTheWindow]

@Dylan222

No he has not, both myself and his school have attempted to get an assessment through the NHS to clarify the matter, which has failed. I have made repeated attempts to gain consent from my sons mother for him to undergo a private assessment for ASD, she has repeatedly declined to provide concent.

Ah, see that's significant. I'd expect her to leap at the chance of private assessment. What reasons has she given for refusing?

[Climbles]

Your post seem to lack an understanding of neurodiversity which makes me think that it’s possible his mother could be genuine. You calling it as an ‘illness’ and claiming categorically that he doesn’t have a single ‘symptom’ is framing ND very negatively.
Even if your sons Mum is making it all up for attention then you are adding to the situation with your attitude.
Senco’s and schools do not diagnose ASC or ADHD and are not qualified to say he doesn’t have them.

[FatGirlSwim]

@lifeturnsonadime

No professional would do that.

True. They wouldn’t. It may have been a remote assessment during covid but there will have been some interaction with the child themselves as part of any diagnosis.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@SignOnTheWindow

Ah, see that's significant. I'd expect her to leap at the chance of private assessment. What reasons has she given for refusing?

The fact there is already a private diagnosis!

[RoseslnTheHospital]

On his previous thread the OP has said that the ex has already had the son assessed privately and had a diagnosis of autism and ADHD. The OP rejects that assessment as inadequate.

Just organise a private assessment in the time that your DS is with you, you don't need your ex's consent to do that. Then you can be certain that any diagnosis or ruling out of conditions is done to your satisfaction. You could try to do it on the NHS but the wait times are very very lengthy atm.

Either way, none of that is relevant to your son. You need to de-escalate all discussion of this, and focus on him as a unique individual and his current needs, not about a specific diagnosis. If he's doing well at school and has no issues at home and his current SENCO team don't have any concerns, then great. A diagnosis won't change that or cause the school to behave differently.

[saraclara]

@MargaretThursday

@saraclara
If you look at the previous posts from the OP (as others have said) then his ds does have diagnoses from a private doctor of ASD and ADHD. OP just doesn't believe it.

I'd say telling the ds he doesn't have them, and potentially denying help, is far worse.
Even if he doesn't believe it, then he isn't qualified to say that, and certainly shouldn't be saying it to his ds.

I've just this second read those posts. The doctor never actually saw or spoke to the boy. He went totally on what the mother told him. Which is bizarre.

The whole thing is very strange.

[JustKeepBuilding]

@ZeroFuchsGiven

So you keep saying but if you actually read what op wrote he says the mother paid for a diagnosis and this was all done without the doctor even seeing him!

Many were assessed without a F2F assessment in lockdown, and still are in some circumstances. If the NHS have accepted the assessment which they must do if they have refused to assess because of the private diagnosis then there’s nothing to indicate it wasn’t valid.

[MyriadOfTravels]

@Dylan222 has your ds been diagnosed with autism or not??

Like other posters, I don’t understand why you haven’t got a private diagnosis yourself.
CAFCASS, SENCO etc… just CANNOT diagnosed autism or adhd. It has been done by a professional. And children mask. I mean you just have to look at the number if ‘totally functioning’ adults with family and jib that are diagnosed in their 30s or 40s.
CAMHS is overwhelmed and usually only see the most problematic children. Children who dint need support are told they are ‘OK’ aka they dint meet the criteria to be assessed by them. It doesn’t mean those children don’t have autism or any ND.

[TobeLeRone]

FII is thankfully very rare.
Accusing mothers of FII, particularly when it involves autism, is quite common.

IME schools know about obviously presenting autism, but tend not to know about masking or children who are more socially aware.

Two of my dc are diagnosed, having been “fine” at school and I was told categorically that they definitely weren’t autistic.

The thing is, unless there is definitive evidence you’re unlikely to qualify for DLA so refusing assessment makes that unlikely to be a motive (as someone suggested). From what I understand of FII it’s more likely to involve making the child ill, involves hospital stays etc. Too many mothers are accused of this, by disgruntled ex’s, by family member, and sometimes by professionals, mainly because autism is vastly misunderstood, and also because many mothers are also autistic and their autistic behaviour is seen as red flags (been there, done that!).

It’s unclear whether your son has been assessed or not, your posts are quite cagey, and your history suggests that he was diagnosed?

[CascaChan]

Sorry Dylan I have no advice but it sounds like you are going through the correct channels to try and get to the bottom of what’s going on here.
I myself have noticed how quick people seem to be to pathologise normal child behaviour and it is very concerning.
I obviously have no idea whether or not your son has these disorders, but I wanted to say that you are right to advocate for your son.
Hope everything gets worked out soon and in the best interests of your son.

[BungleandGeorge]

Yes I seem to remember a previous thread where he had a private diagnosis that OP thought had been influenced by the mother?
you don’t need both parents consent for assessments/ treatments. An assessment with one parent isn’t going to be so accurate though if it’s shared custody. At 12 a lot will come from assessment of the child though. He himself feels he might have adhd but you’re telling him he doesn’t?

[KalvinPhillipsBoots]

@Dylan222

Thank you for your message, it looks to be FII, and is being investigated through the NHS following Social Service protocol

Stop repeating yourself, I hope to God you are putting the child best interest first rather than tit for tat with the ex, you seem so certain yet you could be wrong.

[Dylan222]

To write a full explanation of events takes 14 hours, it has involved the Police, School, the NHS, Social Services, a Private Doctor, the Department of Work and Pensions, the NSPCC, the National Autistic Society, the Court. I was just looking for advice on how to talk to my son about what his mum has informed him, my I haven’t given much information in my post which maybe I should have done.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@saraclara

I've just this second read those posts. The doctor never actually saw or spoke to the boy. He went totally on what the mother told him. Which is bizarre.

The whole thing is very strange.

It is strange.
No professional would give a private diagnosis in that way.

As someone up thread said it might have been done over zoom during covid.

But contrary to what people love to believe private diagnosis are not handed out like smarties. The professionals still use the same standards and diagnosis criteria. They are answerable to their professional bodies.

[slightlyslumamama]

@Dylan222

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

The school are not in a position to make a diagnosis! Their input, and yours and hers will be needed in a formal diagnosis.

has no formal diagnoses taken place? Have you spoken to the mother and asked why she thinks this?

I am not sure your approach is very helpful and certainly not going to help the child or their relationships with you or mother.

It comes across as if you are stating this to cause problems and not to try to help/calm the situation.

sorry but think you need to start communicating better with mum and get this sorted out ASAP and stop accusing her.

[saraclara]

On his previous thread the OP has said that the ex has already had the son assessed privately and had a diagnosis of autism and ADHD. The OP rejects that assessment as inadequate.

As would I. An assessment from someone who never met or spoke to the child he was diagnosing is entirely invalid.

OP, this is clearly a very complex situation. I cannot see why you can't take your boy for a proper assessment. You presumably have the same right to do so independently, as she did.

[FatGirlSwim]

@Dylan222

He did, his mother took him too it, unbeknown to his school or myself. She applied for a ‘opinion’, lied about him to the private doctor, who gave the opinion that he was severely Autistic (ADOS 17) and may have ADHD.

She then used the opinion as an explanation to the Police in response to my sons allegation to them that she had hit him, and used the assessment for benifit fraud.

School statements that on their position, that they did not think my son was Autistic, came after this assessment.

So an ADOS was done. This means that the private assessor saw the child, quite extensively. The diagnosis won’t be based solely on reports from his mum. It sounds like a robust assessment.

It isn’t benefit fraud if she has used the diagnostic assessment. Just because you’re not seeing the need, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

’My son’s mum has told him he is autistic with ADHD following a private assessment but I have decided i don’t agree with it and have subjected my son to a children’s services investigation’ isn’t quite the same as ‘my son’s mum has told him he is autistic with ADHD without a diagnosis or any professional support’, is it?