Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

[Morph22010]

@Zippidydoda

I would have thought the GP process where they suspect FII would be to make a referral to social care. Have they done that yet?

Does the mum explain why she thinks the child is autistic or has ADHD. Eg are there legitimate signs/characteristics. Or is she making up behaviours and false reporting?

FII is a hard one. Some parents, with genuinely ill children, have been accused of FII. On the other hand some children have been massively harmed where it hasn’t been picked up. It’s an extremely difficult thing to identify and assess. I imagine in this situation, involving autism and ADHD, it will be particularly hard.

Of course if you are very concerned for your child’s safety you could go to court and try to get residence full time. I’m not saying you should, but that’s an option if you genuinely think FII is the case.

The trouble is when you read the criteria for FII there is a big cross over between what parents of children that do have asd/adhd have to go through to get a diagnosis, particularly if the child is masking at school. So something like the parent having a lot of knowledge of the condition is a FII red flag but often parents do have to have a lot of knowledge to have even got on the asd pathway in the first place in genuine situations

[MrsBennetsPoorNerves]

I'm also finding it slightly hard to believe that the SENCO would say that she is "absolutely certain" that he isn't autistic, as she will know that she isn't qualified to make this statement.

So, either the SENCO is incredibly unprofessional and her opinion therefore cannot be trusted.

Or that's not what she actually said and you are twisting her words to suit your own agenda.

[Punxsutawney]

sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic.

Interestingly that's what my son's school Senco said when I initially approached them about Ds. Five years later he is most definitely autistic and attends a special school.
Not suggesting at all that's the case for your Ds. But I wouldn't take the advice of a Senco as definite, they don't assess or diagnose ASD or ADHD.

[MrsBennetsPoorNerves]

If there is disagreement between parents about whether or not a child may have adhd or autism, the only appropriate way of resolving this is to get the child assessed by a professional who is qualified to diagnose.

[Xol]

@Dylan222

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

I would never in a million years rely on a SENCo to diagnose ASD or ADHD. There have been far too many cases of children let down very badly because teachers don't understand how children mask in school and are in stout denial - frequently because they know that if they acknowledge the child has problems they are going to have to devote resources to supporting that child.

[Dylan222]

Thank you for your message, yes I have considered it, he does not show symptoms of either ADHD or Autism, and his school have clearly stated that they do not think he has ASD or ADHD.

[Xol]

People who work in this field regularly come across the phenomenon of a child being deprived of support because one parent simply won't contemplate the possibility of a learning difficulty. Yes, FII happens, but much less often.

You cannot be certain either way unless your child is properly assessed, and it is highly significant that your posts don't mention whether that has happened. For his sake, please co-operate with his mother in getting this checked.

[TrinnySmith]

How old is your son?

[Zippidydoda]

@Morph22010

The trouble is when you read the criteria for FII there is a big cross over between what parents of children that do have asd/adhd have to go through to get a diagnosis, particularly if the child is masking at school. So something like the parent having a lot of knowledge of the condition is a FII red flag but often parents do have to have a lot of knowledge to have even got on the asd pathway in the first place in genuine situations

Oh I agree. Hence why it is so difficult to identify and assess if something is genuinely FII or not. I think it’s similar with things like PANDAS. It’s a minefield and I think professionals often get it wrong in both instances where FII is happening and when it isn’t.

[TrinnySmith]

I see you stated he is 12

[America12]

@Dylan222

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

Senco and school are not qualified to diagnose him.

[romdowa]

The school nor the senco are qualified to diagnose your child. I went through school and nobody picked up I was autistic and had adhd. I was in my 30s before being diagnosed. Sounds to me like you are in denial that your son has issues.
Get the child assessed and then you have it on paper from the proper professionals that he doesn't have either of these issues.

[Zippidydoda]

@Dylan222

Thank you for your message, yes I have considered it, he does not show symptoms of either ADHD or Autism, and his school have clearly stated that they do not think he has ASD or ADHD.

Has he actually had an assessment though. So far you have mentioned the GP and SENCO but no mention of if he has had an actual assessment. Seems the obvious route to take if not.

[TrinnySmith]

Is he being argumentative , difficult? Why does she think he needs it.?

[JennyForeigner]

We are in the opposite position, which is that our son's school are adamant he is showing signs of ASD, while our experienced HV and assessment - and our home experience - is that he doesn't. We spent months trying desperately to do the right thing while the professionals told us the scores to raise a concern simply aren't there.

Some children are very different according to context.

[Morph22010]

@JennyForeigner

We are in the opposite position, which is that our son's school are adamant he is showing signs of ASD, while our experienced HV and assessment - and our home experience - is that he doesn't. We spent months trying desperately to do the right thing while the professionals told us the scores to raise a concern simply aren't there.

Some children are very different according to context.

How old is your child?

[Dylan222]

I reported it to Social Services, following their protocol for concerns of FII, my son needs to receive a diagnosis of FII through the NHS first, Social Services will then step in. Following the protocol having provided evidence of my concerns to my sons GP, and my son is awaiting assessment.

His mother appears to have induced behavioural difficulties through causing him severe distress. Those difficulties lasted for about 9 months, and then disappeared after she had stopped causing him severe distress. They included not sleeping at night and being aggressive to teachers at school. His school involved Social Services at the time, and have stated very clearly that they do not think that my son has ASD or ADHD.

[BaffledOnceAgain]

My DS, aged 14, presents as neurotypical at school because he masks brilliantly. However, I've seen signs of autism since he was 2 years old at home. He is finally awaiting an assessment. Please don't assume that the school SENDCo is correct - I have known them to be wrong many times (as I work in the field). Find out lots about the conditions yourself and listen to the view of your child's mother. If you are the non-resident parent, your child may mask when with you as well. My child only unmasks in his safe space (home).

Accusing your child's mother of FII will lead to a whole heap of issues for them and for your child. Like a previous poster has said, it's not as clear cut as knowing if they have a medical condition that can be checked by blood test. It will be years before an assessment can confirm or refute it, unless you pay for a private assessment.

My son has been on the waiting list for 3 years for an assessment. He asked me if he was autistic after a lesson about it at school. I have told him that he might be and that we need a full assessment to find out. Sometimes, knowing that his brain might be wired a bit differently helps him forgive himself when he makes social mistakes with friends. What I'm saying is that there are times when I think you can discuss it helpfully without having had the formal diagnosis yet.

[stealthninjamum]

op it is likely your boy doesn’t have adhd / asd but I had a GP and school tell me my daughter didn’t have adhd /asd and when I finally got her assessed she has both. Her dad didn’t want the assessment as he didn’t believe me either! My last school’ senco would also say my child doesn’t have autism or need help. She is very bright and good at masking.

If your son did have adhd / asd and you did nothing that could be hugely traumatic for him so I would suggest that you carry on having your ex investigated.

I would suggest you research both conditions- from nhs, charity websites, books - not Instagram or tik tokkers - and listen to your son. Observe whether he has any communication difficulties, problems with friendships, obsessions, difficulty with organisation, switching tasks, sensory issues, emotional regulation, any stimming (this could be any tiny movements not just rocking).

Listen to him rather than put words into his mouth. Do not criticise his mum. Just say these are complicated conditions and people with them present in many ways and they can be hard to diagnose. Then listen to any problems he has while your ex is being investigated.

[TrinnySmith]

I have just read Scsttered Minds by Gabor Mate ,he himself having ADD, his view is that stress to sensitive children in early years causes ADD. So the sensitivity is inherited, not anything else.
He also gives advice in the book on helping sensitive children.

[Dylan222]

Yep she did. This is her exact phrase -‘his level of social understanding is simply unachievable for a child on the Autistic Spectrum’

[IhearyouClemFandango]

I am very surprised that a SENCO would make that kind of definitive statement tbh.

I would get him formally assessed as a first step.

[Punxsutawney]

school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD.

That is not the schools decision to make. Only a professional qualified in assessing and diagnosing these conditions can tell you whether he meets the criteria.

[JungleBoobies]

I’d say your ex is more likely to be angling for disability benefits (££) via these claims than it actually being Münchausen’s syndrome.

[ShimmeringShirts]

Children with ASD can have a high level of social understanding. I’m an adult with ASD that has a high level of social understanding, my 5 year old also. Your statements are bizarre and don’t match up with what would actually be said by senco when a parent was raising concerns. Not all people with ASD struggle with the social side of life…