the end of sex

[tdotb]

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

I know I'm a girl, but

I know you say you don't talk about it because it causes a row - what is the situation when it has caused a row though? generally trying to start something, being rejected and then piping up "why not?" is more likely to lead to a row (speaking from both sides of the situation!)

Is it tiredness that has lapsed into habit?

I know that I am often tired but am fairly easily persuaded (pretty much translates into things being started for me and then I either get into the swing or say a definite no), then when we have finished there is that sense of "why don't we do that more often?".

I have no real answer, you really need to know why it isn't happening - apathy can be fixed with a bit of care and attention, if it something else though it needs to be looked at

your a very patient man 8 years!it can be very easy to get into a rut because of tiredness but you have to make the effort to keep the spark going,will she not discuss it at all?

Another lady poster here.

Firstly, you certainly don't have anything wrong with you. Sex is such a great and important part of a relationship.

DP and I have quite an active sex life, but there have been times when I have had to make a concerted effort to have/initiate sex. I really do think it is something that you can get out of the habit of, especially as having a family takes up so much of your time and energy.

You have to talk about it with your dw as it is the only way you can resolve it, but the key is how to tackle it. Make sure you are showing affection (non sexual at first) towards her, rather than jumping into the 'I want a shag' deep-end, iyswim.

Talking is verboten - in all sorts of funny ways actually, she will accuse me of talking about "it" when actually, I'm not - not least because there comes a point where you figure it's not worth it. I'm a great one for ignoring problems and assuming they will go away. Aside from this, everything is good, we're happy, we go out, we have a good time with the family, and because of that, for a long time I have thought to myself "this is normal" but it doesn't feel normal, and then I feel guilty for not being happy about it.

so what happens if you just give her a hug? or a kiss?

Does she push you away?

Or are you too scared to start something?

okay some reasons why i sometimes don't want sex. These might be the same for your dw and you may be able to change then

1. not having any personal space during the day. Really looking forward to that time when you can just read a book without interreuptions and not think about children, chores or work.
2. feeling fat and frumpy
3. habit
4. pissed off with dp as feel i have shouldered most of the burden
5. feeling that intimacy always has to lead to sex, sometimes might just want to a grope but scared to initiate a grope as too tired for full blown monkey sex.
6. sometimes would like a knee trembler in the kitchen before supper but not just sex before sleep

hope this helps

Another girl here...I'm so sorry for you. You seem to be the sort of guy that appreciates all the god stuff about you relationship and then feels guilty about the 'one' thing that seems wrong. But , unless you are both 100% happy with this situation, there is a huge part of your relationship missing...

You really need to stop avoiding the issue through fear of upsetting your wife and tell her that you NEED to sit and talk about it. If she has problems, physical or otherwise regarding sex then she at least owes you an explanation.

If you go out, for a meal say (without kids) then I think you should broach the subject. You shouldn't feel guilty.

That sort of thing is not welcome, no.

Speaking from experience and a woman who has virtually no sex drive at present it seems to me that the more you don't the less you want and vice versa.
The only time I really feel like it is when inebriated or on holiday! When we do (not often) I am then back in that frame of mind and could carry on as normal iyswim.

We don't talk about it either but should.

Another girl answer here....is she tired/stressed/depressed? Is sex seen as a chore?
Might be worth woo-ing her all over again?
Just guessing. As a female with kids I know I am often tired (always actually), fed up being a housewife and not wanting it because its another chore
Shouldn't be like this but as a female I don't know how to get out of this rut either.

oh, that came out in the wrong place, or something. I mean hugs and kisses are not really welcome these days. Our daughter has commented on it, but funnily friends do not - i sometimes wish someone would ask, because they look so close all the time.

We are very close - we spend a lot of time with each other.

I find I am less inclined to want sex when DH is being a second child instead of an adult. So if I have to tell him to do things that he should be doing (as part of the parenting unit iyswim) then I am less attracted to him.
OTOH if he does his bit and generally contributes towards life being easier, there is more space in my brain to think lewd thoughts (the brain being the biggest erogenous zone etc).
HTH

8 years!! You must be a very nice man to have stayed so long. I can only second what has been said here - you really need to talk about it. Find the right moment and tell her how much you love her and your family but how the lack of sex makes you feel. You shouldn't feel shitty about it at all, you mind about the lack of sex not because you're an animal but because you love her and sex is one of the ways in which people show love. I think some women don't appreciate how important sex is to a relationship - it is after all how a lot of men show intimacy, for some the ONLY way they show it. Though not you, obviously.

As has been said before - tiredness, having kids hanging off your body all day demanding x, y and z can leave a mother feeling that when she's put the kids to bed, what she wants most of all is herself to herself. But there are 2 of you in a relationship (you would hope) and sex needs to happen sometimes.

If you can find out what has made her go off it (incidentally my Mum was a Relate trained sex therapist and 'going off it' was the most common problem she dealt with) and talk about how to make things better, that would be a start. Relate might be something you could think of?

witchandchips' post is spot on, in particular the parts about groping always having to lead to sex and sex just before sleep

as talking ends in a row perhaps you could try writing. I think you do have a need to know why it is not happening and whether there is any hope of it ever changing. I agree it can become a habit not to and then it gets a bit scarey even trying in case it goes wrong.

I'm a girl too btw. Lots of reasons why I don't often want it (nearly always today with how I'm feeling in my head rather than how tired I am) but I really can't imagine a happy/contented marriage (or dh) without it.

Pruni - I think you might have something there - I think you may have hit the nail on the head - I do find myself turned off as he behaves like a child so often...........

Thank you I can tackle it now!

Okay, here are some rules. YOu are right to expect sex in marriage. If you aren't getting it then it's a serious problem (arguably breach of the marriage contract) and your wife should be seeing a sex therapist or her doctor to work out what the problem is (assuming she's not getting it elsewhere and is content with that of course).

You have sex at least once a week except when there is a very new baby.

Have you tried - I don't mean long difficult conversations but just reaching over to her in the bed without saying anything? What would happen if you did that tonight? Would she kick you in the groin or could you then just get on with it?

Obviously try things like change the pill she's on if she's on the pill, get her some rest, a break, time away, help at home, back to work and all the stuff that makes women feel like more sex.

You haven't had sex for 8 years Dot??
How can she think this is ok????

There are a million reasons, many of which have been mentioned here.
I have to add that because she isnt wanting it so much doest mean that she doesnt absolutely adore you.
Im the same, adore my dh but for many reasons it doesnt happen.
it worries me too.
As lots of folk have implied on here, that you are a great bloke for hanging round for 8 years, i am terrified that my dh would leave me...and as people have said, he would have good reason to. You must be some kind of star to not to leave a wife who hasnt had sex with you for 8 years.
But there are also a million reasons why you would not leave your wife...in spite of the no sex.
That just multiplies the guilt for her (im sure)
Its hard isnt it, to get that back and it seems acceptable that it does decrease quite a bit when you are together a long time and have children.
Because you havent left her because of it, does that not illistrate how uninportant it realy is in the big picture.
Would be nice yes, but not vital and not a lynch pin to a marriage surviving.

At the risk of seeming ungrateful, I think that we are long past the doing something about us stage - and maybe she is "getting it somewhere else" although I do not think so, at least in part because I do not want to think so.

What I was hoping for was ways of saying "ok, that isn't a part of our relationship now, how do i accept it?"

Someone somewhere tell me their relationship is the same please!

I think anyone who thinks that sex not essential to a happy marriage is deluding themselves.

xena...where is this rule book that you refer to.
I cant say that i have ever seen such a book?

I agree with Xenia.
Dot,it's not acceptable.
Very unfair on you indeed.
Does she not care about what is important to you even if it is not important to her?

We do lots of things for each other in loving relationships,even if we don't really want to, because it makes the other person happy. (I for example have trailed myself and small children around the world for dh even though it has been bloody boring and incredibly lonely for me at times.)

Why should sex be any different?

If I were you I'd find it elsewhere frankly and if my dh hadn't had sex for 8 years, no doubt he would have done the smae and I wouldn't even blame him.

8 years is a huge amount of time

you have to find some way of broaching the subject and simply bringing it up when you both have time to talk seems the easiest to me

if she really can't stand it being mentioned then i think you may need counselling help to discuss it because it is a fun and bonding thing to do and both of you are missing out