the end of sex

[tdotb]

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

ypu sound like a nice sensitive guy..i really hope it does get sorted
but it wont unless you both make mpoves

umm i don't think age does dull desire maybe even the opposite

My mother works in a nursing home..the male residents are just as 'interested' as ever I'm afraid...and most are in their 80's+

quick hijack please

I guess (physically) everything slows down a bit with age - but as long as the desire is still present there will always be a way.

can i ask how old you are?

no chance our sex life is the same if not better, perhaps being more attentive but not desperate would help sorry if ive repeated only read op

I do think total strangers telling others what is or is not acceptable in a marriage is offensive frankly. There is no rule book and there is no norm. If a couple are in a sexless marriage and are happy with that then there's nothing 'unacceptable' about it. Obviously if one person wants more than the other and this becomes a problem for him or her then this is likely to become a problem for the relationship. I think a lot of couples suffer from the idea that everyone else is doing it except them when actually the opposite is largely true. The media (especially sex/relationship makeover programmes which imply there are quick fixes and women's magazines) really contribute to this. Incidentally the other group of people who think everyone else is at it like bunnies and loving it is adolescents and this kind of pressure leads to irresponsible sex and bad sex. There are many theads on this site about couples who are in sexless marriages or who have limited sex and there are many more couples who talk about having dry patches as it were. You are not alone and your marriage is not abnormal. There's really no such thing.

Hi

sorry Austin, I'm 40, if it is not too late to answer.

I am not sure finding out that I am "not abnormal" helps - and i hate feeling guilty for having desire.

40 is very young to be in a sexless marriage. But as hurricane said, if its ok with both of you then who cares? But you say you DO want sex and at the young age of 40 I don't blame you either.

Just wondering if your DW has suffered some awful trauma from the past she is/hasn't told you about? A sexual assault maybe?? Sorry I am just trying to figure out why she won't let you go near her or even hold her hand. She sounds very bitter about something.

Hi

a sort of update - I went to the doctors, who told me not to waste his time again.

And no Shaniece, not that I know of, although I suppose I would not know if there was, if you see what I mean. The most ridiculous thoughts have been going through my head over the last few weeks, is there someone else, is she being unfaithful, or maybe, not to put to fine a point on it, does she find the idea so repulsive because I am a man, IYSWIM - I do not know if that is better or worse than quite simply "she doesn't love you anymore" as suggested nack on page 4

I think we both had "normal" relationships before we met - I am not sure I understand the question, sorry, are you looking for an actual count of how many relationships we had between us? She had more partners than I did, by a long way.

Thank you - we're past the talking stage now I think - I think maybe she never wanted to tell me she did not find me attractive in the first place, and I was too self important to realise.

I have no idea what the answer to that question is. If it is because she does not love me, then no, I couldn't. If it is because she simply doesn't find me attractive, then I think the answer is yes, but I do not know what to do with myself - I am scared i will have an affair.

I do not want anyone else in my life. If she left me today, I would never want anyone else.

it can go on for so long its almost impossible to start again! dont know the answer as still active with dh but know lots like this.

might aswell that I read through some posts before replying...just want to second witchandchips post...those are my issues as well...and I don't think it's that uncommon.

Got one to add though, and that is, whilst I absolutely love my dh, we have been together for 13 years and well, I have always been one of those women that found sex more exciting when all brandnew...iykwim...

another female post. As previously mentioned there are loads of reasons why she may not want sex. All the usual ones like shes tired, wants some 'me time'etc. How do you know that she doesnt feel exactly the same as you? She might be too embarrassed to talk about it. I think you should go get a pen and paper and write her a letter, its the best way to avoid arguing too. I often write it down. I have two young children 3 and 7 and they knacker me out and i never want sex. We are down to about once a month and im not even 30. When we do do it i always think why dont we do it more often!Write that letter and keep us posted!

tdotb, I can totally understand how it is hard to speak to your DW by this point as it has been going on so long now and you know what the reaction will be, but I really do think you need to get some answers to your questions about the future to know whether you can carry on as a partnership going forwards.
I second the possibility that your DW is shunning all attempts at intimacy and affection as she is worried that they will lead to attempts to initiate sex or the assumption that sex will naturally follow on.
If I were in your DW's position I think I would be more likely to respond to a letter where you wrote down your feelings and gave me time to read through and think through things without the possiblilty of an argument starting immediately. Could you write her a letter and explain that you love her and although you feel you can live without sex if that is what she wants, you cant live without affection between you ie. hand holding, hugging and kissing on the cheek etc as those are just outward signs of the love you feel for her. I'd suggest a weekend break for just the two of you in a few weeks time, making it 100% clear that you do not expect sex and no demands or attempts to iniiate sex will be made, but that you'd just like time to be together and enjoy each others company without the kids and talk about things a bit more.
If you can establish that you both love each other, that you feel affectionate towards each other and want to be together and put sex out of the picture (for now, who knows what will happen in mnths or years ahead if you get your affection back!) then maybe things will work out for the best for both of you.
Good luck and I hope that you find a happy medium that makes you both happy!