the end of sex

[tdotb]

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

tdotb, I think now you have done everything you possibly can to try to get her to talk - the letter, trying to talk with her about it, etc. - and she still hasn't responded in any way.

She's either deeply depressed or has fallen out of love with you. If she's depressed, she is the one who needs to seek help. I'm not a great advocate of brinkmanship, but it seems to have got so bad that perhaps now the only way you can do anything is if you shock her into seeking help by threatening to leave (if only for a trial period).

The other possibility you have to consider is that she has fallen out of love with you. This I know is where you don't want to go. But you're only 40 and you have possibly another 40 years ahead of you. Do you really want to feel like this for all that time?

Most of us know what it's like to be in a relationship where we love the other person more than they love us, and after a certain point it becomes completely destructive - to everyone. The lack of physical affection is soul-destroying. (I've just spent a week apart from my dh because of his work, and I know my stress levels and blood pressure were higher all week just because of the lack of physical comfort.)

I know there is a child involved, but there are plenty of happy children with separated parents.

I also know that when you're in a relationshihp you think you'll never survive without the other person. But then, by some miracle, you do. (And there are hundreds of women looking for a lovely 40-yr-old!!)

I don't know whether you'll want to do any of these things, but if you do nothing else, at least go to another doctor - not your completely useless-sounding gp - and get a recommendation or a referral for counselling. Or go to Relate. Just talking with another sympathetic human being will help you sort a few things out in your mind, and perhaps help you make some sort of decision about the future, however minor.

sorry, that's v. long, but heartfelt.

Is ignoring an improvement on 'full scale row'? A full-scale row at least implies that tdotb's needs are being acknowledged!

Tdotb: lots of good insight here. I don't know what's up with your wife, but there are three basic possibilities:

A. She doesn't fancy/love you any more. Maybe she never did. But if this is the case, and everything else is normal, where's her sexuality gone? Is she shagging someone else? Is she fancying anyone else? One doesn't just go off one's partner, and then not fancy anyone, surely?

B. Something is wrong with her. She is depressed. She is dealing with childhood issues (having kids will do that!). Or rather, not dealing with them. If this is the problem, and it sounds like a v likely explanation, then she needs professional help. Only it doesn't sound like she is ready for this.

C. Something is wrong in the relationship - you've got stuck in a weird stalemate. In which case, Relate sounds like a good starting place.

Obviously it could be a mix of these three, things are never totally simple ...

There is nothing wrong with you feeling desire. There is, imo, never anything wrong with any feelings. You still fancy your wife. Please stop feeling guilty for this - that alone should vastly reduce your discomfort. Enjoy fancying her. Please yourself, as best you can, in your situation.

Then consider trying to drag your wife to Relate, or getting yourself some counselling or other outside help, so you can figure out how to resolve your v unhappy situation.

It's probably A, in truth - I have wondered in the past if there is someone else, or perhaps she "settled" for me at some point.

I would rather not think about it anymore, if that was possible, but I suppose I will think about it for the rest of my days.

Is counselling an option for you? It's very sad, the idea of living out your life this way.

Was sex ever more common? If so, when did it change?

Second NQC re counselling - for yourself, rather than couples therapy. Here's a good source: www.psychoanalytic-council.org/main/

Someone in today's times suggests it's 60% not the usually quoted 10% of men who use a prostitute over the course of their life. Whether he's right I don't know. Look at Eliott Spitzer in the US (this is the girl www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/nyregion/12cnd-kristen.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin )
Not suggesting it here but it's obviously the solution for some men.

Perhaps I misunderstood, but "pay for it" isn't really the suggestion I was looking for - I can not imagine anything more likely to confirm in my own mind that I am a sad little man and probably always was.

Not a sad little man at all tdotb, but an unhappy one. Do you ever just feel like going away for a week or so...treat yourself to some time away from it all. It's sometimes easier to view things from a distance. And if you get back and she's changed the locks at least you'll have a line under it all, a point to start again from. Limbo is not a healthy place to be.

i think you are wasting your life...if she is so unresponsive and unwilling to engage with you in any way then there is something very wrong with her emotions

whatever that could be unless she is willing to try then she really doesn't love you

and everyone deserves some love and respect

and at 40 you have every reason to find it if she doesn't want to offer it then you deserve someone who will

you have children. Do you want those children to be as unhappy as you in the future?
They are certainly not being shown a 'real' married couple's relationship. They must never see any physical affection ever....they will have a skewed perception of normal behaviour between people who love and respect each other...

Good point Fred!

That has been mentioned before, but I am not convinced - though I am not looking forward to "the talk" when they are that age.

convinced of what exactly?

tdotb

im afraid if i was you i would be thinking i had nothing to look forward to

Hey tdotb, it sounds as though this is really effecting your self esteem, and it goes beyond just wanting to have a physical relationship with your wife, it's changed the way you think and feel about yourself.