the end of sex

[tdotb]

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

I have three kids and would probably not be the one to instigate sex in our relationship, but am grateful that my dh still has the energy so to do as I enjoy it. This is a BIG problem in your relationship and your wife is being very unfair to you. It sounds like she has some big issues which need addressing by a therapist of some sort, unless she actually WANTS the marriage to fail - is that a possibility? Do not pussyfoot around her, you are way too polite and forgiving. This is flat-sharing, not marriage.

could you go away for a weekend just the two of you?

raggy

not sure whether it was me that said something you agree with i am more interested in lunchboxes than packed lunches lol

but I think dot is wise to be thinking of taking some sort of action to mend things

there is a lot of trutth in the adage ' the more you have the more you want'
if you could just almost force yourselves to do it once a week for maybe 4 weeks -you might click into a bit of a habit - i am unsure of the physiology of this line of thinking but it is definitely true for dh and i

I think by "OP" you mean me - sorry, I've only come here for the recipes before.

Trying to take it all in and thank you everyone I can say that i do have a sexual appetite if that is the best way of putting it. Even the language is treachourous - i say "sex" but I could say "making love" or something fancy but the long and short is I do not even want to use the words anymore.

We have been through every stage of talking and discussing and it ends in a row everytime.

And now I want not to have any desire or want. I do not care if I have the problem or my wife had the problem. I just want there not to be a problem and if that means changing me then fine. We are past rejection here. It is not "can I live without sex" but how do I?

i know nothing except what you have posted. on a gut level though, it feels like she is very angry. do you think that might be true? maybe that is way off, but there is something up, something big in that hugs and cuddles are not welcome.

you are absolutely right to be concerned, but as a good friend of mine said to me, when there is something wrong in a relationship sex can be the first thing to go and the last thing to come back.

I really think that rather than focussing on sex, you need to look at your whole relationship. a sexless relationship is not one partners fault, or problem. it is a relationship problem. perhaps you both need to look at yourselves, and yourselves in relation to each other.

dare I offer that it sounds like you could do with some help doing so?

tdodb so are you 'resigned' to a life without sex?

don't think I can help because I've been in a relationship with a drought before and I know that long term and even now not in a relationship sex is important to me for all kinds of reasons so never again would be a total deal breaker..I couldn't live knowing it was written out of the script permanently

i guess what i am saying is that sex is the least of your worries!!! and resigning yourself to a life without sex just isn't a feasible option....

you can work this out. you obviously love her. something has gone very wrong somewhere and you can fix it together.

i wouldnt "resign" yourself to a life without sex. take her away

Does your wife still say she loves you?

Xenia, I just read your post about 'giving it' to my dp. He said he would prefer not to have sex than have it because I 'gave' him it.

To the OP, I'm not sure what to advise, but there are a million and one ways to make a woman feel sexy, IMO, make her feel special, appreciated, and above all the love of your life, where sex isn't important.

Try things slowly, work on touching her, not sexually, just a hand on her hip, or a ruffle of her hair, somethiing that makes you get closer. When you feel she is accepting of that try a little more, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, keep doing it til she responds (not daily but over a decent period of time) and each time take it that little bit further (tiny baby steps here).

Treat her, cook her a meal (romantic meals IME are much better at home cooked by the man you love) do all the things you would hope to lead to sex, but without ever mentioning or even thinking (us women are mindreaders) about whether or not it leads to sex.

From what you have said you need to get the intimacy back first, and it has taken eight years to get to this point, could take another to get back to how you were.

Sometimes, we are extremely tired and sex is the last thing on our minds, then we notice that our partners are so desperate for it that every attempt at physical interaction is like a cue for sex, so we become further and further apart, each attempt at a hug feeling like pressure to have sex if this isn't dealt with, you end up with a situation like you are in now, a form of stalemate.

Your dw needs to know that you can have intimacy without any form of sexual interaction, the better that ets the more likely it is you could, one day, rekindle your sex life.

Lastly, this isn't yur fault, nor is it hers, it means nothing about how much you are in love. It just means you need to relearn how to be lovers.

tiny great post

"Xenia, I just read your post about 'giving it' to my dp. He said he would prefer not to have sex than have it because I 'gave' him it." But relationships are all about giving. Why would anyone object to giving?

Also the person above who said if you don't use it you lose it is right. Just making yourselve do it once a week will probably get it all working agian.

But it seems the question has changed to how can I get used to life without sex. Most men in that situation take it elsewhere and their wife turns a blind eye or agrees to that. That's one option if she really won't sort out her sexual problems - it's she that has the problem not you.

Second option is just masturbate a lot or a bit and manage without sex with her. I don't see why you should have to but lots of people do cope with sexless marriages for many decades and male sexuality declines anyway over 50 in many cases so you may not have too many years left as it is.

Third option which some people go for is a separation but that's very drastic.

Better 4th option is to go to a counsellor or even a sex therapist, the GP etc.

If you mean you can live without it and don't care then there is no problem. If you don';t like it that there's no sex then that's harder.

Xenia, I do agree with your once a week rule. Only because it makes me think about it. I have become a bit lax in the bedroom area after my daughter was born and have realised that once a week is a good marker just to keep an eye on this. It's amazing how once can lose track of a previously good sex life.
OP. If you did not expect a life without sex, it is close to impossible to accept and not feasible in the long run. We all need to make an effort.

tdotb: frankly I am rather more concerned about the refusal of affection and associated mannerisms that you describe in your relationship.

Sex, itself, is something that requires, trust, mutual respect, relaxation and an ease within a couple. It's something you do because you enjoy it, you want to enjoy it, you feel secure and safe, because you love each other etc.

Cuddles, kisses and affection are something else. They are always always spontaneous things, an outward display of a feeling someone has. To refuse this, to my mind, is something quite serious. No sex is usually a way of pushing someone away, because they feel unloved, and a cuddle etc is what is really required. But, to refuse love from you? That is something entirely different IMO.

You've said a few times that when you discuss this, it leads to rows, but, you havent explained what her side of the argument is exactly. What is it she gets upset about exactly? What are her reasons/excuses for her behaviour?

To "resolve" to not having something that is quite important in your relationship is one thing, but to suppress how you feel about having no affection at all is entirely different.

It's late, and I am rambling somewhat, but, perhaps you could explain a bit more about what has happened in the past when you have broached it?

Simply because I think you are way past the point of "wining, dining and indulging" to fix things.

yes VVVQV - there is still a half a story missing.......and whilst many of the 'tips' posts ARE true/useful/sensitive, the OP states he is beyond these considerations.

So, OP...what does she say??

Indeed pan

Will be back in the morning to check this.

actually i THINK THAT WAS A RATHER WELL PUT POST VVQ oops caps sorry

Like Pan, I was waiting to hear bit more about her grounds for rejection (and not only sex, all affection/intimacy it seems).

My question is if you are "beyond" all this as you say, what do you share exactly?
Is it limited to custody of the house and children?
Would you consider keeping a mariage contract, a common roof and leading more independent lives (incl. lovers?). Are the children old enough to cope with this sort of arrangement?
This is not an uncommon situation. Many couples with deep love and understanding and trust would not consider starting all over again. Rather than a major overhaul of the foundations of their life, just little practical arrangments.
Is this something maybe worth considering?

One way or another, you need to talk things through.There is no easy way. Resentment is just going to build up.

she might be afraid that any show of affection is linked to sex which she doesn't want which is why she backs off cuddles. I do the same. I don't want to be touched at all. And I don't want to talk about it with DH either.
I don't think the fault lies with tdotb (unless he's let himself go. Smelly breath can be a real turnoff) I think his wife is feeling like I do and she probably doesn't know why. Either tdotb accepts this and learns to live without sex - I'm not male so don't know how feasible this is - or his wife go for counselling to find out why. She might be afraid to say she doeesn't fancy him anymore but does still love him. Thats a hard thing to tell someone. A marriage can survive this if both partners want it too.
Those who say a woman should just give in...if one partner wants sex but the other doesn't, why should the non-sex partner be the one to give in? Usually the woman?

Xenia's 'once a week' prescription worked for me. What had been hormones and exhaustion became habit, and, although he was too considerate to say anything, I could see that DH was champing at the bit.

I started out thinking of it as a necessary evil, but it wasn't long before my perception changed, and now the 'once a week with gritted teeth' days are well behind us. It was well worth doing.

Lots of people are living in a fool's paradise not realising how important sex is to their partner (male or female). My suggestion of a once a week rule for many couples with children is probably wise even if you don't feel like it. otherwise it can become "the topic that will not speak its name" and the longer it's left the more of a big thing it is to put out etc.

Agree with Xenia, but not in that systematic spread your legs once a week and grit your teeth way.
It should still be sharing even if you are not in the mood for orgasm.

I think it's very selfish to want a marriage to go on without any sex if it's not a common decision.

Xenia, I don't know why DP feels that way, I assume IHO it seems like he is forcing me to do something if I do it to 'give it' to him iyswim.

I did actually agree with your post, there have been many times when I have thought 'we havent had sex for a while' and made a concious efort to do it, even if I wasn't really in the mood, although once I got into it I did enjoy it, so it wasn't really a case of 'giving it'.

VVQ, I agree 'wining, dining and indulging' is not going to sort this out, I think the real problem is not lack of sex, as it may seem, but a loss of all intimacy.

I also don't think (OP) that anyone in a relationship should have to resign themselves to living without sex, sex IMO, is something that both partners should have control over, not one.