the end of sex

[tdotb]

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

If you cannot imagine being with anyone else then you need to sort it out with her. Unless both are happy in a sexless marriage (and as someone else said something they are) then it's a major problem and it's not acceptable for anyone to discount it because they are happy not having any sex. It was always part of the marriage contract or deal and it's not normal not to have sex. I think once a week minimum should be expected if people want to put an amount down as a marker (with an exception for the time when you've just had a new baby) and if there are physical or mental reasons then you get them seen to, sex therapist, GP (for her) etc.

I haven't read back over the whole threat but have you tried just getting on with it and seeing what her reaction is?

But I got the impression they used to have sex okay and then they had children and it's faded out as it does for a lot of couples and then it becomes a "big thing" the longer the leave it.

I wasn't suggesting he forced her, just that he didn't have a big song and dance about it, just reach over for her in the bed and see what happens. The classic way to deal with sexual problems is do everything except sex and that's another possible approach.

Once a week is perfectly doable for most people - if the woman doesn't feel like it then that's tolerable and if the man is desperate once a week will just about do.

It's a lovely idea, but we are in seperate beds these days, so it just is not going to happen.

I will maybe write a letter tomorrow - I usually bring flowers home on a Tuesday

No one with kids who does it every week! Might depend on the age of the child but I think at least once a week. People do it every day you know....

dot - if you go for the letter, good luck.
I really feel for you.
I know you've said you want advice about how to live with things as they are. But I think maybe we are reluctant to do that when it does seem from your posts that there is so much unresolved and unsaid between you and your dw. I like the idea of the letter. The problem with talking is that we all get into ruts, where we end up having the same stuck conversations again and again, following the same pattern, because the same emotional buttons get pressed.
It does feel risky writing a letter, though, it means making yourself vulnerable, and having to wait for a response. I know it is hard. Really hoping it goes your way.

Sorry to say this but could your wife be gay??????

The Op's wife I mean?

What happened, come on the suspense....

that did not go down at all well. The letter thing, that is.

We are just talking to each other again after 48 hours.

I wouldn't talk but book a romantic break, just the two of you that involves relaxing, enjoying yourselves and laughing, get to know eachother again. If that doesn't do it I'd be surprised. I think you need to be taken away from your functional role to remember how things used to be.

xenia, people say they do it every day..there's a difference.

well at least it's something that can't be ignored anymore you have to discuss it.

sorry to hear that the letter didn't work

the fact is though that even if your wife doesn't 'owe' you sex she does 'owe' you an explanation. Not just childish silent treatment.

What were her objections to the letter tdotb? I do think it's unreasonable of her not to even talk about it. There have been times in my life when I just didn't feel like it for long stretches, usually when breastfeeding, or if very tired from working FT and coming home to children. But 8 years is far too long.

I personally think there is nothing more likely to put the final nail in your sex life's coffin than discussing it and making a big issue of it.. i'd work on being more intimate and getting to know eachother again - going back to sharing beds for a start, it needs to be more gradual than 'come on get your nickers off' actually that might do it The environment needs to be right.

I suppose I agree most with DropDead really, you don't need to discuss it to death but you do need to know whether it is seperate beds and no sex ever for the rest of your marriage or whether she is open to the idea of sharing a bed again and being more intimate although sex may be a long long way off.

The letter may have been a complete shock to her she thought perhaps the status quo was accepted and she was happy with that?

tbh, rebelmum, if it were the case that a new baby had been born a year ago and sex had never really gotten back on track, I would think your suggestions would work, i.e the romantic breaks, cuddles etc. But after 8 years and with someone who doesn't even seem to want to be touched at the moment, I really can't see it working. tdotb and his dw really need some counselling, I would think but she doesn't even seem open to that.

Yeah I guess, needed to do something sooner really. She might of course no longer be attracted and not need sexual counselling as such. Rather than a myriad of complex issues I'd look at more straightforward reason. If this is the case it needs to be addressed, and tackled up front.

Even without the sex, intimacy is important, otherwise you're just house mates.