the end of sex

[tdotb]

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

I've just read this thread and think that it is the saddest thing I've heard in a long time. You work hard for your family, you are a loving husband and father yet your wife wants nothing to do with you. Leaving aside the fact that she hasn't let you have sex with her since you impregnated her, that she won't even let you give her a kiss or a cuddle without going off on one is apalling. It's one thing not to want sex, but to deny you any kind of affection is not normal and it's not fair.
Have you thought about going to see Relate on your own just to chat to someone?

"YOu are right to expect sex in marriage. If you aren't getting it then it's a serious problem (arguably breach of the marriage contract)"

what a load of baloney.
it is not a breach of contract at all.

sex is something that takes effort. I am 27 years old. I would be completely happy to never have sex again apart from that it makes Dh unhappy and cross and irritable, and then we have rows about nothing and i want to kill him. So I make myself have sex with him as I want him in a good mood not a bad mood. And every time I have sex with him I think 'that was so lovely, i must do that more' and then the next night he gets home from work at 10pm, i've only just sat down having finished everyones homework, music practice, bed time, housework etc, and just want 5 mins of me time. he starts the remotest bit of affection and I freeze - its not that i don't want the affection, its that i fear it will imply i want full on sex on the sitting room floor when actually i dont, and if he gets the wrong message then the choice is explicit rejection and go through something that at that stage of the evening, is the equivalent of climbing a mountain.

8 years is a long time though, but its up to both of you to sort it out. You need to give her time, and space on her own to relax and like herself - she needs to feel attractive herself before she can even begin to let you near her. then slowly and nicely and gently, you can start again, make it no pressure, make it clear you want what ever she wants and will stop whenever she wants.

i don't think you're selfish at all, but neither is she. I reckon she is probably just completely exhausted.

are you actually my husband i wonder?!

how many children have you got op?????!

Ummmm

Unless the children have special needs or there are a very large number of children or dot's dw has a very demanding job then I'm not sure why his wife should be that exhausted, as his youngest is seven, so well into school. However it is of course very diificult to know what another person might be feeling. Maybe his wife is depressed for example (can kill your sex drive) or has self esteem issues too, could be all sorts of things.

My dh and I had major issues about intimacy after our two were born. Something went really wrong on the sex front and it was a combination of many things, starting really in my second pregnancy. dh felt that he couldn't initiate sex, and unless I was really in the mood (and initiated things) we didn't have sex because if he approached me I mostly rejected him, and then after a while he stopped. We got locked into a very frigid relationship which was quite unpleasant for both of us in a lots of ways although for quite a while we continued to be best friends too. I suspect that there was a bit of a power play thing going on, and we were both quite angry with each other.

Anyway after a couple of years like this dh had an affair. Then we had a really rocky year when he wanted to split and I refused. And then he finally moved out. Weirdly that was the beginning of things getting better. Once we only saw each other when we chose to we found that we really did enjoy each other's company. The sex life came back (although we had agreed not to) and two and a half years later we are now back together and have a good intimate life.

I guess what I am saying is both that it's not impossible to fix things, and also that the reasons for intimacy going are not always that significant.

The other thing I would second is that looking after yourself is really important. Go and see a councellor for your own sake - it may not fix your marriage, but it might make you more resilient and able to make decisions about what to do. Try to make an effort about making friends, and looking after your health. If you are feeling better about yourself it helps. I hope things work out for you - you do sound like a nice guy in a difficult place.

I'm mildly dubious about all this.

Good luck tdotb, if you get a knock back, just smile, she may be grateful you tried, sometimes things go so far we don't know how to react.

Will be thinking of you,

Desi, I honestly don't think it's a trip trap - or a very odd one if it is. What's got your antennae twitching?

tdotb, hope it went well this morning.

sorry, 'a case of trip trap'

tdotb, I think sometimes what happens is that the early days are all consuming, you get tired, dw is hormonal and possibly sore so sex gets put on hold. Then the fear of what it will be like post birth sets in. It depends on how you approach it as well.

Ask yourself these questions.
Do I give cuddles/kisses etc freely without it needing to lead to sex? If the answer is no then you need to do this. Practice being tactile without expectations. The worst of it is though that you might not expect sex, but DW may feel that you do. This would put me off being intimate.

Do you help around the house enough/ childcare? If the true answer is not really, then consider that DW could feel resentment for doing lots more and may be too tired to be bothered with sex.

DW could be depressed which affects sex drive. HTH

tori, at the moment it's a big deal for him to be able to give his wife a kiss on the cheek ...

tori, at the moment it's a big deal for him to be able to give his wife a kiss on the cheek ...

OK, Peatbot

I have several reasons for thinking that tdotb is not on the level.

Firstly, he posts in the Mensroom, but only one man responds. This man is largely ignored by tdotb.

Secondly, tdotb has made only a handful of contributions to MN, all of which have had SEX in the title. OK, they've been about no sex .. but is someone trawling the word?

Thirdly, if a man was looking for an affair in the 21st century, what better tool than the internet? All these kind women telling him what a lovely bloke he is. What a turn on ... for him.

Fourthly, I cannot think of a single man of my acquaintance who would go eight years without sex, unless he was naturally celibate. This woman cannot be the love of his life. It's entirely unthinkable that a man would say that, or a woman, after eight years without a shag.

Fifthly (I've never used that word before), the OP sounds more like a woman than a man.

Hmm. My brother only just walked out of a sexless relationship, sixteen years down the line. It's not impossible, just sad. I guess you can never tell whether anyone on the internet is on the level though.

I agree. It's not impossible. It's just that something is ringing the little bells.

And my little bells could be all out of tune, in which case, huge apologies to tdotb.

apology accepted Des.

I don't feel the need to prove anything, this is the only place i can admit to this, let alone try to get some perspective on this, because saying to your best mate in the world "oh, you know my wife wouldn't touch me with a bargepole" isn't going to happen to the most metrosexual of us.

No, I have not posted anywhere else under this name - shallow huh?

But that makes it all seem about sex, it isn't, it is about this idea in my head that if she loves me, she might want to hold my hand, or kiss me, or just let me feel the warmth of her body next to mine.

Apolologies if I am a little wordy tonight, but yes, I am having a drink or two, because I went to kiss her as I left the house this morning, and she did not even notice - no "wha are you doing" because we seem to be past even that, she did not even notice, I missed.

Oh, and I am not having an affair with anyone, and I do not want one, thank you for the offer.

Oh, and I am not having an affair with anyone, and I do not want one, thank you for the offer.

how did she not notice you try to kiss her?do you think she noticed but pretended not to?hard as the sexless life must be no affection must be very hard

Mate, you know this relationship is over, don't you?

Not because she won't have sex with you. To an extent, a woman can do what she likes with her body.

But because she doesn't have the respect for you, or honesty, to talk it through, explain, listen, share her emotions with you.

She may be completely indifferent to you, or she may be getting some gratification at some level that you are still around, still trying, still in love with her and that she has this power over you. Either way, your relationship is over.

She's treating you like the lodger, with the added benefit that you bring in an income and share the child-minding duties.

It's up to you to make the decisions to change something. That could be accepting the situation as it is, but we know that you are finding this difficult and hurtful. Or it could be developing your own life, independent of her. Perhaps that will lead to separation, perhaps it will shake her up. Either way, the current situation is untenable, and you are the one who needs to change it.

t.b well done for trying. For your sake we'll put a positive gloss on this: 'ignoring' has to be an improvement on 'full scale row'. Perhaps little-and-often might soften her up, but goodness only knows hw long it will take.

Whilst we are waiting, remind us again why you love your wife. Are you in love with her or the idea of being in love and living happily ever after? What is so special about her that stops you even thinking about looking twice at anyone else?

"I don't feel the need to prove anything, this is the only place i can admit to this, let alone try to get some perspective on this, because saying to your best mate in the world "oh, you know my wife wouldn't touch me with a bargepole" isn't going to happen to the most metrosexual of us."

Listen to yourself!!!! I bet you know loads of people who are not the world's best-looking but, despite this, their partners still have sex with them because they love them. She's the one with the problem, not you.
look whar she has done to yout self-esteem.

So how did the kiss go this morning, when you left for work? And does your wife post on MN?

Thinking of you tdotb. No-one deserves a relationship like this.

Sorry you've already said she didn't noice you this morning.
Sorry for you.

Nooka your post is a very interesting post for me as I feel that DH and I could be heading that way after having our 2 children (5 & 2).

Sex is infrequent, mainly due to me, not being "in the mood" or "too tired" We have talked about at length and tried various approaches but so far nothing has worked.

A lot has to do with me physically, I am about 2 stone heavier since having the children (although now go to SW to try and rectify this). I just don't feel sexy

Also whenever he tries to get close I just feel he's after sex when all I want is a cuddle so he doesn't cuddle me....and so the circle goes round

Anyway DH has been away for the past 2 weeks and while he was gone I purchased a book which I'm hoping might ignite a spark. DH has always said he would never have an affair, I am the only one he wants to sleep with and I believe him but I don't think we can continue like this forever.

I wrote "YoOu are right to expect sex in marriage." If you aren't getting it then it's a serious problem (arguably breach of the marriage contract)"

On PCOS' " what a load of baloney.
it is not a breach of contract at all. sex is something that takes effort. I am 27 years old. I would be completely happy to never have sex again apart from that it makes Dh unhappy and cross and irritable, and then we have rows about nothing and i want to kill him. So I make myself have sex with him as I want him in a good mood not a bad mood. And every time I have sex with him I think 'that was so lovely, i must do that more' and then the next night he gets home from work at 10pm, i've only just sat down having finished everyones homework, music practice, bed time, housework etc, and just want 5 mins of me time. he starts the remotest bit of affection and I freeze - its not that i don't want the affection, its that i fear it will imply i want full on sex on the sitting room floor when actually i dont, and if he gets the wrong message then the choice is explicit rejection and go through something that at that stage of the evening, is the equivalent of climbing a mountain."

That's very sad. Can't you change things to the evenings aren't so busy or so that you feel sexier?

I just think that it's part of the deal and women who think it's fine not to have much sex are not being very fair on men (and the other way round -plenty of women are in the converse position too). I do think it's accepted just as it's part of the deal you don't sleep with anyone else, are reasonably nice to each other, don't disappear for 12 months, support each other etc

Obviously if both people are happy with a platonic relationship or sex once a month then that's fine too but it rarely is.