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Original poster

the end of sex

265 replies

tdotb · 10/12/2007 16:13

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

OP posts:
LieselVentouse · 11/12/2007 12:05

what a lovely guy he was, He cooks and he wants sex. where did he go?

EricScrooge · 11/12/2007 12:15

I always find this issue a strange one because we have never felt this way about each other.

I can't begin to understand how heart-breaking it must be to lose this intimacy.

Very strange - but fairly common by the sounds of it.

Minum · 11/12/2007 12:23

We brought in a once a week rule after DS2, and it brought us back together, and now have a happy, rule-free sex life. And I totally agree sometimes we should "give" sex, like we give a home-cooked meal, or allow a lie-in etc etc, its ways of caring for each other, and if done with love, completely OK.

yogimum · 11/12/2007 12:27

Once a week! I'd have to take a lover then DH away for 4 months at a time.

EricScrooge · 11/12/2007 12:31

Yeah - there are no rules really.

The frequency changes for us a lot. We have got out of the habit recently cos i have been ill with sinus problems and having sex is the last thing on my mind when i my teeth have been throbbing in pain.

DeePancrisPaneven · 11/12/2007 17:18

to inverse a very old sex joke, I don't think it would be your teeth she'd be after, Eric.

OhGiveUsAPruniPudding · 11/12/2007 17:37

TO all of the people saying the op has a right to expect sex: we don't know this person - I agree with sophable's post in that it seems his wife is really angry and it would be interesting to know if the op knows or has an inkling of why things have got to this point.

EricScrooge · 11/12/2007 17:44

Yes - it's not just a simple case of 'I've had a baby so im right off sex'. There are other factors in play that need addressing. It's not normal to feel like that.

Immediately after of course - but most should be looking forward to getting back to a normal relationship with their partner.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 11/12/2007 18:59

Janitor - no idea, ask my (d)h. It is a big bone (no pun intended) of contention between us. We nearly divorced this year.

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 11/12/2007 19:48

Ohcomeletusadiorhim, I just want to say that I think it's horrid for you to have to hear that, IMO it's downright rude for him to even think that way let alone admit it!!

alliwant4xmas · 11/12/2007 20:27

fascinating subject! Good to hear not everyone is doing it all the time and i'm not the only one who thinks of it as a bit of a chore most of the time...

Original poster
tdotb · 12/12/2007 18:50

Gosh - what a lot of feedback, Again thank you all. I have no idea what this is all about. Our relationship seems good. I am still in love and i live assuming that my wife is too. I can not think of any anger or pain behind this. There are a lot of questions I would like to know the answer to but there seem to be a lot of obstacles to finding out.

OP posts:
DeePandcrisPandeven · 12/12/2007 19:15

and one of these obstacles is that we have no idea what your dw's response is at all.

The ability to understand, empathise perhaps, and assist you in stiring the pot a little will be massively enhanced IF there was the other "half story" to know.

But you know this now,and there's a reason as to why you aren't being honest.

Original poster
tdotb · 12/12/2007 19:40

Her response is simply not to discuss the matter, it is a closed book. She is not angry, unless in any way I try to talk about it, or try to hold her hand when we are out at the pub.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 12/12/2007 19:46

Gosh if she resents physical contact to that extreme perhaps she really does have deep running issues that she , for whatever reason, has been unable to confide in you. Were things very different when you first got together? Before kids?

When you say angry at you talking, do you actually row? Does she admit that she does not ever want it again or does she stay silent and refuse to discuss?

DeePandcrisPandeven · 12/12/2007 19:58

I AM very sorry if this is the case. It marks, to me, to be an utter lack of respect for you.

if the case was explained with genders reversed, the pitchforkers would be out for the male.

Can you not even speculate as to why her reaction is so vehement?

zippitippitoes · 12/12/2007 20:01

I think she must feel she could do with talking to someone too surely?this isn't normal at all...it is such a big issue to have stuff like this hanging around unspoken...

Original poster
tdotb · 13/12/2007 21:49

I did suggest that we talk to someone - the problem is that I have to blurt it out, and I always get it wrong. She did not talk to me for a week.

OP posts:
OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 14/12/2007 09:43

I think that you shouldn't have to be treading on eggshells regarding this. If she loved you, she would want cuddles at least. There must be something deeper. I do feel for you.

bethoo · 14/12/2007 09:51

have you told her how you feel?

toomanysleighs · 14/12/2007 09:57

I feel for you tdotb. And I am incredulous at your patience. 8 years! As other posters have said, the fact that she won't even let you hold her hand is very serious. She sounds absolutely furious and resentful about something and I can't believe the rest of it is all hunky dory if that's the case. Aren't you furious? I second Sophable's suggestion that you seek help. Go to Relate alone, if DW won't. Or get DW to come on here. Does she not see it as a problem that yo uare not having any physical contact?

ISawSantaKissingKerrysNorks · 14/12/2007 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EricScrooge · 14/12/2007 11:38

8 years?

My God.

I just can't fathom that at all. I know everyone has different desires - but i can't think either of us would be truly happy if we didn't want to rip each others clothes off regularly.

It's nice to have that latent passion for someone that is always lurking under the surface all of the time.

We spend a lot of the day sending rude texts to each other. It brings a smile to both of our faces regularly.

If you are missing out on all of this then i hope you can regain it at some point - altough with such a lot of water passed under the bridge it must be difficult for you.

I hope you sort it out anyway.

Original poster
tdotb · 14/12/2007 12:29

Thank you Eric - hope is a funny thing - sometimes it only makes things worse - somewhere down the posts one person mentioned age dulling desire - i hope that they are right, otherwise it will be a very tedious retirement.

OP posts:
rachaelsanta · 14/12/2007 12:50

Maybe you could talk to your gp on your own first.
Physical contact is really important in life, not just sexually. If you're not even holding hands you must be very lonely. I hope you can move forwards. I love my dh massively, but don't always fancy him. As lots of people have said, habits are formed and issues become brick walls. Good luck.