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Original poster

the end of sex

265 replies

tdotb · 10/12/2007 16:13

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 10/12/2007 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yogimum · 10/12/2007 18:15

Obviously if one partner does want sex and the other does then there is an issue but my dh and I haven't had sex for almost a year and we are still very much in love so not an issue for everyone.

DeePancrisPaneven · 10/12/2007 18:15

I may be ruffling things here.....but..8 years IS a long time, and implies in you an acquiescence..or at least a 'suits me at the mo.' position, which has gotten horribly out of hand.
tbh, it sounds a little like you are scared of her and her reactions, which is never healthy. Does she 'drive' other things in your rel. and so can 'assume' she drives this as well??
Nothing ever stays the same, and 'no action' is more than just a 'lack of action' - it's a movement toward atrophy.

So, how does she react when you raise it. as it were??

zippitippitoes · 10/12/2007 18:16

I couldn't contemplate life without sex..and it was something that really worried me when I split up with my partner and I didn't last 5 minutes without finding a solution so how you can manage for all that time in a relationship without feeling hurt and isolated and frustrated I can't imagine

Domesticgodlessyoumerrygents · 10/12/2007 18:19

tdotb
My relationship is the same. We love eachother and are best friends. The lack of sexual desire is (mostly) on my part.

I have said to dh that if he wanted to have an affair and/or leave me to satisfy his sexual needs I could understand it, because we are friends not lovers. He said that our relationship is not about sex but something more than that so he does not want to seek it elsewhere.

However I don't agree with Xenia's prescription of 1 shag per week. What if one partner does not enjoy it? Is that really better than none, or one every 4 weeks or 4 months or whatever that is enjoyable.

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 10/12/2007 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needmorecoffee · 10/12/2007 18:28

I agree its sad but we are in the same boat. I adore dh but just don't want sex. Don't know what to do about it either.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 10/12/2007 18:32

My h doesn't fancy me (I'm a size 16) and we nearly split over it recently. However, when we talked everything through, I said that I needed cuddles even if he didn't want it to go further.

I think sex is immensely important, but affection and openly showing it is so much more important. I can't believe she won't let you near her at all - that is sad.

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:33

Why can't you just do it Need?
If you know it would make him happy,can't you put your own feelings of non interest aside.

Like a lot of things,it can be quite enjoyable once you crank it up (in smae way as aerobics,running,going to the gym,singing in church,ironing,doing an assignment.)

DeePancrisPaneven · 10/12/2007 18:35

And I want to see the rest of Xenia's rule book!!!

needmorecoffee · 10/12/2007 18:38

because Moondog, dd made such a mess on the way out it would hurt like the blazes plus dd is brain damaged and rarely sleeps and after spending all day caring for a disabled child its the last thing I feel like doing. Thats why.

sallystrawberry · 10/12/2007 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 10/12/2007 18:40

If it still hurts NMC, do you think you might need some medical attention? Sex should be enjoyable, not a chore that we do to keep the other person happy. If it doesn't hurt, you might enjoy it.

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:41

Have you tried to get the physical stuff sorted out?
Sympathise hugely with you on the other stuff (we have spoken on other threads). Do you not have time in the day when your dd at school? Sorry,asking personal stuff here but just wondering if there is a viable way around the issue......

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 10/12/2007 18:41

When sex is great it's 5% of the relationship when its rubbish it's 95% of the relationship Can only second the advice on here.

fairylights · 10/12/2007 18:42

i think you must be the most patient man ever, bless you. Don't think its that fair for you to have to just "accept it" although i can see your dw's pov too.. but if it is making you unhappy in your r'ship then surely it needs addressing??

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 10/12/2007 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belcantavinissima · 10/12/2007 18:53

tdotb

you are not alone. my first child was born over 9 yrs ago, we have hardly had sex since i found out i was pg with him (a long 10 yrs ago!). we have since had 2 other children- this is thanks to me being super fertile and literally got pg the only time we had sex `(poss because only felt like having sex when i was ovulating). dh has been pretty much like you. v understanding but occasionally it really gets to him and we have a row. i couldnt say why your dw is like this. for me, it started off with being pg and it jsust didnt seem like the right thing to do iyswim. then i had a horrific birth and was traumatised by that for ages.
i honestly couldnt care less if i never have sex again. and thatys the honest truth. and sometimes i think thats a shame i feel like that but i guess thats just because it goes againgst what people always say.

dh tries it on every now and then. occasionally i might give in and give him a blow job lol but i just dont want to have actual sex. he normally just has a wank lol. i love him but i dont feel the need to be touching, groping , snogging and all that all the time. i dont know why. perhaps i dont fancy him anymore. i couldnt say. i do love him though. and i feel bad cos i know it upsets him really-the lack of affection rather than the lack of fullblown sex- but i cant change. maybe things will change as kids get older. but for me being a sahm with 3 kids whilst he is at work (which dont get me wrong is how we both want it- in fact hate going to work!) and tehn an evening in front of the telly is hardly conducive to passion so i guess its not surprising really.

on the very very odd occasion we have been to stay in a hotel on our own we have had brilliant sex though and wonder why i dont do it more often (note to self- must get out more)

sorry for wittering on, hope it helped in some way.

Judy1234 · 10/12/2007 21:14

So what if they don't enjoy it. Love is about giving. It's tough if it's too much to ask to pretend you enjoy it only just once a week. I think it's dreadful how mostly women think that's fine, not to be available for sex, not to try to restore their sex drive or even to "put up with it" when they don't want it.

If you feel so bad about it why not make sure you have sex with him every week. It's hardly a huge hassle. It won't kill you.

DeePancrisPaneven · 10/12/2007 21:28

Crisp as ever.

We are shadow boxing a little on this thread as we don't if I remember properly, don't know what the OPs DW says when intimacies are raised.

yogimum · 10/12/2007 21:29

I think its a sweeping generalisation that its the woman who doesn't want to have sex. And for the situation of needmorecoffee, she has enough on her plate poor woman without having to see to the needs of her husband. He can go have a wank if he's that desperate.

zippitippitoes · 10/12/2007 21:34

it seemed slightly to me that as someone else said the op probably wasn't strongly interested himself but is kind of now feeling that he might be missing something or that whatever meant it was ok before has now slipped away too

i think you have to broach the subject as it will become a taboo if it hasn't already

sex is good..I think people do miss it even if they don't think they do eventually in a relationship..being friends or companions asexually and raising children is not the same thing

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 10/12/2007 21:39

i instigate the sex more than my dp
i agree with moondog and xenia - i think sex and marriage go together
i am 'mad about' my dh but if he did not give me sex i wonder that our marriage would survive ... 8 years i dont know....
I cannot believe the ops wife does not think this is very odd.

Raggydoll · 10/12/2007 21:42

Certain contraceptives can destroy your sex drive - for me it was the hormone injection. Within a few weeks of stopping it there was a marked difference.

I also second what zippi said further down, when dh takes some of the burden and I am not up 'till midnight making packed lunches etc I feel alot warmer towards him.

UpsandDowns · 10/12/2007 21:47

Hi tdotb, a male response (using an old nickname so I can be more honest.)

I'm not where you are, but have a relationship where sex is not always easy. Partly past physical stuff and also our libido's are fairly evenly matched - once or twice a month would do for me. Sometimes it can go a few months, then it becomes an issue (this was before kids too). When we finally get round to it, it's almost always fantastic and we berate ourselves for not making more effort. I can live with this, as long as I know that we will have sex at some point in the future, and there is still affection between us.

When it goes too long, I lose confidence, feel unattractive and lose the nerve to instigate sex.

We've been in such a rut recently until (sing hosannah, choirs of angels) I made the effort. We did talk about it beforehand. DW had been very afraid of full sex following childbirth, and was very relieved and emotional. Are there lingering physical problems for your wife after your last child, or where they the reason behind the initial drought?

What sounds clear is that you're not ready to accept a sexless marriage (nor should you if you don't want to). It's arrogant of your wife not to be prepared to at least discuss it, and lazy (rather than patient) of you to have accepted it so long. Sorry if that sounds harsh; it's criticism I can level at myself too.

For what it's worth, I think a relationship probably can survive without sex if both parties truly do not want it. But in my opinion it cannot without affection and mutual respect. Sooner or later someone would come along to fill the need you feel (or whatever need your wife feels), and that's clearly not want you want. You know you need to address this.