Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

You don’t need a joint bank account.

You can share finance by having a joint credit card for example.

When it comes to joint account it doesn't need to be all or nothing. The way we do it, salaries get paid into our personal accounts - then we each put 75% of our salaries in to the joint to pay for mortgage, groceries, bills, holiday (basically all shared expenses). That way you keep a healthy independence, so you can treat yourself when you want, while also never having to worry about 'who is paying' or transferring to each other for every little thing.

And this is what he uses to sponge off you; you're uncomfortable to talk about it. But he's not uncomfortable letting you pay even though it's his turn?

Married - we've never had his or hers, but ours. My parent's were the same.

Oh I'd missed that.

Why couldn't he just say sorry?

He's not sounding very nice!

Are you sure that money is as bad as he says & he's not just keeping his & spending yours?

So for his birthday don’t get him anything.
He has set a precedent that birthdays are not important to him, so surely would not expect anything for his.

It's really not pointing the finger if you are speaking the truth of a situation...he owes you money and a big change in behaviour

Are you as young as your username suggests? If you are, do you have anyone to support you? Can you speak to a health visitor or similar?

Abusive men are lovely, when they are not being abusive. That's part of why people stay (that and the ground down confidence, being trapped by lack of money or children, no support network).

I would weirdly never describe my husband as lovely. He's my best friend and he's on my side. He'd never see me in debt while he had savings. It would make zero sense to him.

Please have this conversation in real life

So he's really tight then. This is supposed to be your husband fgs! I don't know what to tell you because he seems so mean. Is this the norm in his family?

But you’re married - how can you not talk about these things!

Yeah unfortunately all my savings are gone and i'm on debt now too. I know before anyone else says it i should talk to him about it. I have tried sometimes but he never pays me back. I'm just so exhausted and i love him i do but sometimes idk how or what im supposed to feel toward him

I know we don't need a joint account, obviously. We don't have joint anything on paper, apart from the house and DC. But we do share money. he pays for more than me because he earns more. No spreadsheets, no sitting down and going through each others finances. No stress.

Because you can so easily end up with this situation like OP of transferring each other 20 quid every time you go to Tesco as if you're housemates. Or weird power dynamics of 'he pays the mortgage so he feels like hes in charge', instead of it all coming out of one shared pot that both have access to. You can have your own account too for personal spending, but just quicker, easier and fairer if there's a joint pot to pay shared expenses.

If you cannot speak up for yourself now, then how are you going to advocate for your child in the future when they need you in their corner?

If you’re not scared of him and he’s not abusive, you need to finding your voice in this marriage. There’s plenty of advice and coaching on how to have difficult conversations. You really cannot avoid discomfort or potential conflict for the rest of your life.

So not a nice guy then.

When DP is upset about something I've done, I often don't understand why she's upset. We're very different people and a lot of things that would upset her wouldn't bother me and a lot of things that I'd be upset by wouldn't bother her.

But me understanding why she's upset isn't important. Understanding that she Is upset, apologising, and fixing the issue is the important part.

Your husband doesn't seem to be particularly bothered to do any of that.

You’re married, therefore you’re a team. Joint finances, joint goals. I really don’t think that it works otherwise, certainly when raising children. I found when I had my first and my income dropped I really needed a budget, this stressed DH out, so I did the planning and shared it. He absolutely was on board, but we were both a bit crap with money and it was an adjustment. For us the easiest thing is to have everything go into a joint account and all bills and day to day spending goes there. Then we have various savings pots, one for each of the kids, one each in a S&S ISA and one each in cash ISA for bigger purchases like cars and holidays. I have a credit card which is paid off in full each month for when I want extra purchase protection or I want to delay the spending by a few weeks.

Don’t think of it as nagging, think of joint financial aims.

Tell him no! Say no I’m not paying you can.

This sort of thing should have been decided before you got married . It's not a sort of thing you're supposed to be deciding on the hop while standing at the supermarket checkout!

Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

And when he asked you to pay half you said?…..
Did you remind him of the agreement? Its no wonder you end up paying for everything if you can’t talk to him because you don’t like confrontation and it makes you uncomfortable

Not normal at all. Savings are for things like covering maternity leave. He needs to use them. And you need a joint account!

@arcticpandas

Yea his family in the nicest way possible is a bit of a mess. Dad has gambling issues and has had issues with physical abuse/ coming in and out of their lives as he pleases.

His parents are together kinda but never married although his dad still lives with his parents.

I'm not a fan of his family tbh, not my type of people

There are fewer types of men who are worse in character than a mean man.

Your husband is mean. And he is happy to be that way. He is happy to have no respect for you, for your effort and for what you provide for him. And he will always feel wronged if you try to make him change.

You definitely need to have a chat about it OP you can't go on like this with you both spending money you don't have or at least using all of your savings for day to day stuff. It doesn't have to be confrontational either, just tell him that you're worried about the household spending at the moment. Set up the conversation and give him some responsibility to talk about it too.

Fwiw my DH and I have always had separate finances, no joint account. We've been married for 30 years now and have never had a problem with finances as it works for us. I like having some financial independence too.

Mine moaned about being broke this month he gets paid twice a year dividends from the company. He's tied up money in an interest account that penalises him for withdrawing, he loses the months interest. Well tough his income is five times mine.

I have a Barclaycard. Every month I tick off what is his to pay, food, house insurance. Present him with the total, he moans. I've paid four of them this year because he's pleading poverty.

I know I need to stop caving in. His hobby alone is 10k per annum.

He's a bit of a dick because I do his tax returns so do know his income. Yet still he pleads poverty.

i told him i paid it all last month and he said he would pay to this month, his response was " but then i'll be left with nothing" meaning his current account not his savings included