Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

There really shouldn't be any confrontation, household bills and every day items need paying for, there's no excuse for not knowing this it's part of life and your DH can't, or shouldn't expect you to pay all the time.

If he's strapped for cash due to less hours and it not being his fault then that's fair enough, in MN world normally when married all money is shared money and your DH would be expected to pay up if it were the other way round but you really do need to have a conversation starting with incomings and outgoings.

If you ask for nothing, you will get exactly that.

@TeenGirl2024 my ex husband used to be like this, even used to make me pay for his boxers! X

How does someone ‘make’ you pay for their boxers?

As you don’t have any money at all, you need to tell him that you can’t pay for anything anymore and he’ll have to dip into savings as yours have all gone.

You need to prioritise paying off your debt before the interest you are paying escalates and makes you trapped in a loop.

Is he unaware that you have no money because you haven’t told him?

So you're earning very little on SMP, looking after his son, but you're still paying the bills?
Why can't your share you money, as you're married? He will always earn more than you if you're looking after your child. Why is that money his and not both?
No need for confrontation. You're a team surely.

it's not just the finances either, for my birthday he didn't buy me anything, not even a card. it's like i don't expect you to spend lots and lots of money on me for my birthday but even something to show appreciation would be nice and when i talked to him about it, he brushed it off and didn't see why i was so upset by it

Why is it "odd"?

How have you got this far through life, marriage and babies without talking about money like adults? Do you not look at who brings home what and divvy up the bills/contributions to the joint account and any savings accounts accordingly? Is he in debt?

I can't remember the last time DH and I said "who's paying for this then?" Because absolutely everything gets whacked on a joint credit card that is split up (fairly!) at month end when we both get paid, along with everything else.

Your situation sounds exhausting and you need to have a serious chat, I couldn't live like that.

I once dumped a guy years ago because I was working and he was a student and he automatically assumed I would pay for everything, no discussions. He once interrupted me talking to my friend in a supermarket to ask if I'd pay for his beers. Entitled and a massive turn off.

OP you are married to this man and he is standing back and watching you struggle. You should be able to have a normal conversation with him. If you are scared to do that, it signifies bigger issues in the marriage.

Seems , strange marred 60 years alway s had a joint account , even while retired , hum must have changed , mind you gone to a single account now as partner passed away

So he's not in fact a nice guy then?

I live with my long term DP. We have a joint account. A set amount goes in from each of us every month, all joint expenses, holidays, etc come out of it. Job done - no discussions about money required. Why make it hard for yourselves?

I thought you said he was lovely?

OK ignore my post above this man just sounds like a prize twat. That is needlessly cruel.

He doesn't sound lovely at all, he sounds like a loser

Same! Together for 33 years, married for 22. Never had a joint account, never rowed about, or had issues with money. And we are very much a team.

Me and my husband share money. We never monitor who pays for what and if one of us runs out of money the other will send them across some cash. We both trust each other that we spend sensibly.

I definitely wouldn't be getting yourself into debt if he has savings. If you're having to get yourself into debt, you don't have the money to provide him. If he wants extra money, he should either use his savings or get into debt in his own name.

If you were using the joint account then it wouldn't matter who actually paid would it?

It is sounding as if things are tight though if him being sick makes such a difference.

No because both of our salaries go into a joint bank account.

If you can't or don't want to physically force someone to do something you can just make their life so difficult if they don't do it, that they do it 'voluntarily' to avoid the discomfort you would otherwise cause. If you live with them or have children with them this is very easy to do.

I’m sure other people have said but this doesn’t sound like a partnership. Living together or marriage people should contribute fairly. If he’s tight about contributing to food he’s probably hiding stuff either he can’t budget or perhaps has debt. Iwpuñd sit down and do a full budget together and consider a joint account for food, shared bills.

Why did you marry him? And why were you willing to have a baby with him?

Good advice here op and I think you sense posters are questioning is there more to all this than just not paying bills. Wise of you to seek MN insight and advice.

please carefully consider the financial trajectory of your and dc life (I think only one but I may have missed an update) before having other dc. Get this sorted soon

He sounds like an asshole OP, especially the update re your birthday.

Also, why do you refer to it as HIS savings not OUR savings? Don’t tell me that’s separate too? (I say that as someone who has a joint savings account with DH but not a joint account for bills etc)

SMP is very little, how are you affording rent/food etc? Please don’t say you dipped into YOUR savings while he doesn’t touch his?

Id not be tolerating this.