Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

You need to sit down and work out a budget. What is your total joint income? What are your joint expenses (rent, bills, good, EVERYTHING relating to your child).

Pay proportionally according to your income into your joint account for all these shared expenses.

Then split EQUALLY what is left over between you.

The amount you each pay into the joint account will fluctuate over time depending on both your incomes and outgoings. But you need to have a grown up conversation about money (good examples above).

The concept of his and her money, and one person struggling financially within a marriage is just baffling.

He's laughing at you op, you need to be tougher with him the reason you aren't tougher is because he knows how to get round you and you're letting him do it.
He's got savings but he wants to keep all his money just for himself and spend your money instead🤬🤬🤮
Please stop being such a mug, don't pay for anything for him buy and cook food for you and your child only.

You are covering half the rent, substantial amount of the bills and most of food out of SMP and getting into debt because "he doesn't want to touch his savings"

Please tell me you know this is ridiculous? Your joint savings should be covering your share of bills while on SMP which is barely enough to do anything other than food and nappies.

contrary to a lot of people on here who think everything should be pooled we have a joint account for bills, food, childcare and other house related expenses. We work out the costs per month and then pay a proportionate amount each based on our earnings. Then we keep the rest for ourselves as personal savings/spending. When on mat leave we’ve used joint savings to top up my “portion” as my husband doesn’t earn enough to pay both portions fully.

contrary to a lot of people on here who think everything should be pooled we have a joint account for bills, food, childcare and other house related expenses. We work out the costs per month and then pay a proportionate amount each based on our earnings. Then we keep the rest for ourselves as personal savings/spending. When on mat leave we’ve used joint savings to top up my “portion” as my husband doesn’t earn enough to pay both portions fully.

Me and DH sit down at least once a year and write down a super detailed account of our finances so that includes income, expenses (both joint and individual), savings, etc. We work out who pays what on a proportionate basis so higher earner would pay more.

I've been married 23 yrs and we don't have a joint bank account....Why's that odd?

You're married and have a child together and yet you're not a team financially and can't talk to him about this? That's really not right.

This is also a good time to plan where you see yourselves eventually. You are renting now. Are you planning on buying a property at any point? If so you both need a plan to start saving for that. You can frame part of the conversation about long term financial goals.

Sort it out now. I’m in masses of credit card debt, as I didn’t get enough from my husband, he’s secretive, I’ve no idea what he actually earns.
I suspect he had a bonus, but I’ve no idea, and then he said he didn’t get it.

i think he pays our joint mortgage solely so he has a better claim on the house ( jointly owned)
I pay most everything else.
I’m always overdrawn and have debt, while he got a platinum credit card !

And was very pleased with himself,

Why is no money ever put in it? This is surely the account you should be paying for groceries, rent, bills from, and the majority of wages should be paid into it.

You're on denial sorry. No he isn't lovely, he's financially abusing you.

A marriage is a financial contract and that’s actually all it's good for outside of end of life stuff.

His money is your money.

Is there some emotional stuff going on here? I suspect there is and his not offering to pay is just another slap in the face that says ‘I am happy for you to suffer’.

If there were nothing emotional going on you'd just say ‘can I you have half for the shopping?’ ‘what do you mean I should pay you half? We agreed you'd cover this month so bog off.’

But you're all in your feelings and it's less about the money and more about his attitude.

Stop being a pushover and start being smart.

Tell him you're opening a joint account where proportions of each of your money should go each month for essentials. Agree what the essentials are and a monthly budget for them. While you're at it ask to see his accounts and do a financial audit of YOUR money. How do YOU BOTH have in savings and how much is he spending on onlyfans or other type things? Ask for it all to be laid bare and work up a fair monthly budget.

He doesn't have savings. You have savings, both of you.

And get out of your feelings, bet you he's not in his. He is treating you like a mug.

The cooking and the cleaning is purely to distract your attention away the fact that he is financially exploiting you.
You should probably get rid of this albatross.

Why would there be confrontation though?
You say hes a good guy?
So you would say love im struggling to afford to cover all this, I need you to pitch in
And he'd say yes of course.

But you should be doing that. He's abusing you and you're worried about upsetting him...is he worried about upsetting you? No of course he isn't.

It's probably a transaction to him i.e. he cooks and cleans in return for you paying for everything. You're essentially paying him to be lovely. It makes me wonder (from experience) whether he's positioning himself in the stay at home dad role.

You've got to assert yourself OP because it isn't fair on you or your child for you to be so stressed. You've got to stop being so passive. Eventually you'll see the light (sooner rather than later hopefully) and you'll be in a mess because you'll be in debt and it will be difficult to leave. How are you going to provide a home for your child if you're in debt? What if he decides that he should have custody because he has money? I'm catastrophising slightly but it could happen.

Put your child before your husband. And very importantly, don't accept a slightly better situation. Your husband is offering you as little as he can get away with and he'll continue to do that. All the money should be paid into a joint account and you each have the same amount of spending money. He shouldn't have his own savings while you're in debt. He must use his savings to pay off your debt. Also importantly, you shouldn't have to force him into this...it's not your job to tell him how to behave well. So even if he agrees to all this (he won't), I'd divorce him anyway.

Why are you afraid to confront him?
I think it's because you know he'll become aggressive but you're in denial and pretending to yourself that he's Mr sweet and nice.

So what. You're on SMP, presumably to look after his baby, yet you're still expected to subsidise his poor planning? While he fully takes advantage of knowing you'll never ask for it back.

Sure he doesn't have a gambling problem? Expensive hobby? That he's getting to enjoy and blow money on while you scrimp and save for all of you?

You need to grow a spine and think about modelling for your child what kind of relationship with others you want them to have: I assume you want them to speak up for themselves and not get treated like shit, financially or otherwise.

Have the conversation.

My husband doesn’t do that because he’s not financially abusive.

Your husband is weaponising your discomfort at a time when you are vulnerable. He has no qualms about demanding your money, yet squirrels his away. That it the behaviour of a nice man.

And you chose to marry this person???? Why?

Find your voice, because you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable talking to your husband and father of your child about finances. It should all be very transparent and shared.
Before you go shopping get the money from him

Pleased im single.

Well I pay the food bill because that's how our finances are set up. I don't pay the rent though.

I'd be asking myself, if I'm paying for everything then he can find somewhere else to live because there are no freeloaders in my world.

Pleased I’m married to someone who trusts me and whom I trust.

I appreciate that I've never been in an abusive relationship, and I am not having a dig at the OP, but every time I read threads like this, I am amazed at how people can have sex with people - and have children with that person - with whom they're too shy to have a conversation about money. If you're in a partnership, how hard it is to say, 'no I can't afford to subsidise you out of my maternity pay, use your savings (you tight-fisted scrub)'?

OP, your husband is taking the piss. Stop tip-toeing around him and tell him he needs to step up and stop acting like your second child.