Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

If he is as lovely as you say why would there be any confrontation involved?

You need to discuss finances as part of your life together, so you are a team, a partnership, so you each know where you are headed in the short and long term.

You are clearly unhappy with things as they are, lovely husband should not want this to continue and should want to work together.

Not being rude but this. We discussed finances and completely pooled them when we moved in together and now only have joint accounts with joint access as a married couple, with a separate savings account each. Your set up is my worst nightmare! Sit him down and talk about it.

You both need to set up standing orders into an account used for your joint liabilities : rent, utilities, groceries and (eventually) childcare costs. That way there is no room for “forgetting” to contribute.

If you don’t already, you should see if you are entitled to any Universal Credit to tide you over - but you need to apply as a couple so you both need to sit down and look at your income and outgoings

I have one like this (it’s stingyness not lack of money, he earns well and has plenty of savings), and yes it is really noticeable that he sits on his hands or finds DS “urgently” needs taking to the loo when the bill comes. I have resorted to sitting on my hands myself, or coming out with no wallet (summer dress, no pockets!) in order to get him to cough up.

Why do we have joint accounts, because he wouldn’t let me buy anything for me or DS if it was joint. He literally wears rags himself to avoid spending money, it isn’t financial abuse (unless he is also abusing himself), just wildly different approaches to spending money. He does cough up for rent and bills though, that isn’t negotiable for me.

We have applied to UC, find out in a few weeks how much we get and i've put down my bank account for it to be paid into so i know where the money is going

If you are struggling to have a conversation would these kind of phrases help?

"I'd like to have a look at our finances together. I'm finding things a bit tight at the moment. Could we sit down on Friday evening and see how we're doing?"

"Shall we look at our bank accounts and see what's coming out of where?"

"Maybe we could use the joint account a bit more? We could put in £amount each to get pay for the shopping."

If you are not sure quite what to say, write down something you are comfortable with and practice.

That is financial abuse, he is making sure you have no financial freedom while sitting on savings. Look at documents on Women’s Aid, they more or less say if something feels not right or unbalanced in your relationship it usually is. They also have a whole section on financial abuse. If he is not paying for groceries is he spending his own money on fun stuff or saving it all? He is either using you as a bank card because he is miserly and wants his money for just his own enjoyment which is abusive and a terrible trait or he could be using it as a control thing, at the moment he has savings and you have debt and you are the one paying for everything while he gets a free ride. You are in a much weaker position than he is financially and at the moment all family money is in his name.

I would go through your bank statements and look at what you are spending on groceries a month, how much he has paid you back and look at how much he owes you for groceries in the last year (or more if it’s been going on long term) - add on the rent. Show him what you have spent versus what he has contributed and ask him to pay it back from his savings along with the rent or you will be speaking to a divorce lawyer and then half of his savings will be yours anyway. If he says he can’t afford to pay you back make him show you his savings account and make him show you what he is spending his income on as this is not okay.

After he has paid you back you need to set up a fairer system where both of you pay a percentage of your income into the joint account on pay day, this money is to be used for shared expenses only like groceries, bills etc (not for individual holidays, hobbies, gym, gambling, amazon purchases etc).

If he won’t pay you back do speak to Women’s Aid and a lawyer - you need to protect yourself and your child.

Thank you. This would definitely help

You are two adults, married with a child. You should be comfortable discussing finances with each other. The fact you’re not is quite worrying, that he’s either financially abusive, or that you’re both very immature. You both need to figure out what you each pay into the joint account for ALL bills, rent, food shops, child related expenses, any joint expenses like family days/meals out. Anything else for personal spends can be kept separate if you wish AFTER all of that is covered. Obviously having a joint savings account for any holidays or emergency spends is also a good idea.
You absolutely need to sort this out immediately. And a discussion about finances should have certainly been had before TTC and having a baby/going on maternity leave.

Sort this out NOW or you’ll end up also paying for everything for your joint child.

Absolutely approach it from, money is tight for us both at the moment. Can we sit down together and work through a budget for food, nappies, extras and see how we will cover rent & bills.

This is a great idea. Because although i'm annoyed at him for never paying etc i don't want him to feel like im just pointing a finger at him and saying you don't do this blah blah blah

What's he like when he does have money?

He is not lovely!

I don’t understand, why don’t you pool the expenses money on the same account and then each one of you does whatever they want with their remaining share?

Yes, he might cook and clean, but… he also lives there?? He’s not exactly doing you a favour.

That's your issue. It's a conversation that needs to be had.
I don't agree with pooling 100% of your finances, even when married, for many reasons, but you do need to have a joint arrangement to cover things that you are both consuming (food, bills, household, mortgage, child expenses etc). This needs to be fair and proportionate to earnings.

@TeenGirl2024

I think you need to reframe your thinking on this. It’s not about confrontation - this is purely a practical conversation.

Be pragmatic, treat it like a business discussion.

When you are on SMP and have a young child, the last thing you should be doing is getting yourself into debt. Any debt should be for emergencies only and especially so when there is another able bodied adult in the house who can work, does earn but is just choosing not to contribute.

You have to get it into your head that his behaviour is not only poor, but also unacceptable. It makes no sense - you would be better off without him because for one thing your food costs would go down.

Try something like this (in your own words); channel the business like energy. It’s not a debate, it’s not a confrontation - it’s facts that need to be addressed and quickly:

”DH i am on SMP at the moment as you know and money is tight for me. I cannot afford to pay for all the bills / food shops / rent payments on my own without any contribution from you.

This is unsustainable. I cannot and will not do this anymore.

You need to pay me back the rent money you promised me. I need it back immediately as I have gotten into debt to cover it and other bills.

I will need £xxx at a minimum for food shops.

I will need you to contribute to the joint ac regularly. We can sit down together and calculate our total bills and then how much we should be both putting into the joint account to cover them.

I need to tell you also that this has caused me so much stress worrying about finances.

I dont understand why you are not naturally stepping up to contribute fairly to the life we share, and that of our DC.

Your behaviour is changing the way I feel about you.

I need you to know that things cannot go on like this.”

Write it down if it’s easier.

After that you really need to ask yourself why you cant speak freely to your DH and why you have put up with this for so long.

I appreciate this

@TeenGirl2024 I just dont understand this mindset of his and hers money and going halfies on everything!!! one person trustworthy enough to look after money, if you cant trust each other then there is no hope for the future!! my dh and i have been married for 47 years, we dont have a joint account but I manage paying things from his account via internet banking, if thereis not enough money to pay a bill then money is taken from his account to mine to pay it. maternity leave twice, no bother (I did go back when both babies were only 4 months old because we didnt have the money.

He's not lovely, he's abusing you. He's forcing you to fund every aspect of his life, while keeping every penny of his money all for himself.

I'd say the fail-safe way to get him to pay is divorce.

Tell him he's a piss taker and financial abuse is a crime. All money for bills and household expenses goes in the joint account. Starting today. If he refuses then I'd say I'm leaving. See you in court.

We've got a joint account, no his money my money. We're a team with a kid. If either of us was spending tons on rubbish we'd know but we aren't.

This is called financial abuse

Why don't you both put enough into it each month to pay your bills?

And a bit more to cover baby costs too.

It is not confrontation if you can’t afford to buy food because he isn’t contributing to household expenses.

Confrontation would be putting an empty plate in front of him while you eat your meal.

If you can grow a baby you can grow a backbone.

You tell him that if you can no longer afford the bills and he can't/won't contribute then you, he and DC will end up homeless.

You are getting into debt, while he is sitting on savings?! Surely you can see this isn’t a normal way to run household finances.
If that debt is incurring interest or charges, it’s beyond ridiculous. As others have said, this IS financial abuse, and as uncomfortable as it is for you to address it, if you don’t it’s just going to spiral.