Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

You could use your UC application to start a conversation. Eg “- Let’s hope our application is successful, in the meantime let’s look at our income and outgoings together so we can make a budget between us.”

OP has a joint account with her DH, and yet, here we are. So it's less about the mechanics of having a joint account, and more about having a conversation or two.

I would of then pointed out you had to spend your savings and get into debt while on smp so you could keep contributing so it’s not unreasonable of you to ask him to also dip into savings

Why when you’re married are you talking about personal savings? They might be in a particular name, but they are joint assets? I have more money in savings in my name than my husband, but I’m not better off than him, we are married it’s our joint money.

So he is not ‘lovely’ then.

He is a tight arse that would rather see you in debt than dip into ‘his’ savings and doesn’t give a shit about you or anything meaningful to you like your birthday.

But he cooks and cleans - big whoop. That’s what you’re supposed to do as an adult.

I just couldn’t live with an arsehole like that. Why are they ‘his’ savings and not joint money? Why are you having a child with this mean tight-fisted twat?

But he's happy for you to be left with nothing.

Speaks volumes.

If you really can't say it, copy out the basics of the post above from @HelpMeUnpickThis at 12:41 that lays it all out and hand it to him. And also tell him the fact he's made you feel you can't say these things is also deeply concerning and doesn't bode well for a sustainable marriage long term.

And also keep in mind the family history (your FIL) of gambling.

You've created a life together, you've married one another - the time for discomfort is long gone!

You've had some great advice already, please take it otherwise, things will never change and your resentment, and there is resentment, will only get deeper.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking, no need to say if you'd rather not.

But he would probably prefer that - it just vindicates his mean spirited worldview. And the op still gets no acknowledgement of her day and is still hurt.

We have separate finances, we both have set things that we pay for which work out proportionately fair. My husband paid for everything while I was on SMP.
it reads to me like he’s financially abusing you.
does he do other things that control you or your finances?

You are going into debt to cover all of the household expenses even though your husband has savings and you think he's lovely. He's worried about paying bills because he will have nothing left but you are paying the bills and have less than nothing left.

He's not lovely, he's a selfish freeloader.

I wish you all the best but if you think he's lovely despite how obviously he's financially abusing you then I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say to make the scales fall from your eyes. Perhaps you will overcome your discomfort to discuss the issue now but it will not change who he is and your life will be an endless struggle trying to get him to financially contribute in a fair way.

My advice would be to make sure you always know what's in his savings account so you will know what half amounts to should you ever get tired of being treated so badly and divorce him.

Being crude
but if you can open your legs to fuck him
you can open your mouth and tell him this needs to change

I suspect though he knows exactly what he is doing and doesn’t care

This is financial abuse

Why can't you talk about it? Why can't you say, No I paid all the rent last month, so you need to pay it all this month. I can't afford to pay more than half. We need to sit down together and work out how we can jointly afford CoL fairly so neither of us is covering more than we can afford.

What on earth is ‘lovable’ about him??

We each put in an amount to a joint account that leave us with the same amount left over in our own separate accounts just for ourselves each month. Would that set up work for you?

My ex was like this.

I left after staying a lot longer than I should have done.

If you do t have access to the money for essentials it IS financial abuse

@StirrednotFried

Thank you i appreciate this.

I am 20 and he is 25

I'm finding it increasingly hard to see in what way he is "lovely". He mooches off you despite the fact you have very little, he is unwilling to spend his 'savings' on food or bills. He can't even be bothered to buy you a card, let along a gift, for your birthday.

He is far from lovely OP.

But his savings will be earning less interest than the cost of your debt, so jointly you are worse off. What are your plans for the future? Mortgage, pensions, holidays, cost of university/driving/starting out for your child? Where are you aiming for? Because wherever it is it will be much easier if you plan together. I don’t understand why you would get married if you’re going to live like flat mates?

When kids are tiny it’s often just about getting through, everything is tight, but in a few years that will change, and eventually the kids aren’t there, mine are now teens so we’re talking about driving lessons, university costs, how much money do we spend on holidays, how much needs to go to pensions. You simply can’t make these decisions on your own if you’re married, you have to work it out together.

We have joint accounts. But no, my husband would not make me pay using SMP. It sounds like your husband is enjoying forcing you into absolute poverty

OP I really don't mean to be unkind but this is absolutely ridiculous. Stop pussyfooting around and pay for nothing until you are out of debt - go shopping? No sorry I can't pay I have no money left I am in debt. If he won't pay - put all the shopping back on the shelves and walk out of the shop if you have to!!!!
This has gone beyond 'I don't know how to bring it up and I don't want to sound confrontational'. He is taking the piss royally. Stop paying rent, utilities, stop paying anything other than food for you and whatever baby needs (nappies and whatever). When the matter comes to a head talk about what you both need to put into the joint account in order to ensure the bills are paid fairly - and talk about 'his' savings. As long as you are on SMP you should be putting in a very reduced amount indeed if anything. This is only going to get worse when baby starts costing more. If you stop paying all bills until he is reasonable then at least you are both in debt rather than one of you which is progress. I bet accessing that savings account will suddenly look more attractive to him too.

What on earth? You are MARRIED with CHILD. It means your finances are tied anyway. Keep a personal account in case of divorce but household and child expenses should be in a joint account for this very reason

He isn’t lovely when he is expecting you to pick up the tab all the time and you don’t feel able to address it or have an adult conversation about it with the person that is supposed to be your husband. That isn’t a decent mutual partner.

If he's not earning enough to repay you or pay his half, he needs a better paying job or side hustle. No two ways about it.