Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

You are not stupid but you do sound incredibly naïve. At a relatively young age, you jumped headlong into marriage and babies with a man that you can't talk to and you barely know. He earns very little, definitely not enough to support a wife and child. You don't know how much he earns, what he does with his money, how much he has in savings... I'm sorry but he doesn't sound lovely, you don't sound comfortable with him or like he's your best friend - you can't talk to him, when you do he doesn't listen, he didn't bother with your birthday.....etc. Read through this thread again and imagine what you advice you would give to your best friend, little sister, or daughter if they were in your shoes. Are you both from the UK? You mentioned that your family are in another country?

My ex husband was like this constantly. He worked I didn't and all the finances I got was the child benefits tax credits etc he spent wages on himself and left me to pay all the bills rent etc out of the little I got for the kids. He would occasionally send me a little towards the rent around £100 per month and sometimes even less than that. All whilst trying to get me to go back into employment whilst declaring that once I'd found a job he was going to quit working and be a stay at home parent. I'd try to have the conversation of him contributing fairly and he would get arsey and tell me that the tax credits cover all the bills so he didn't need to pay anything considering I didn't have a job I shouldn't moan and be grateful that I "get money for doing nothing"

My husband earns more than me, he pays the food and holidays, plus more on household bills. I pay most of the kid’s stuff and top up shops.

I just can't understand how/why married couples don't have joint accounts.
All our married life, both wages, money given or inherited has gone into a joint account.
So there is never an argument of "who pays".
We both pay.
Try it. It works.

We don't have this because although we don't have a joint current account, we do have a joint bills account. And because my partner isn't a cheeky cunt.

No harm @TeenGirl2024 , but its now time to put the big girls pants on and take control of finances, seeing as he doesnt seem to want to /be able too

You are married, what's yours is his and vice versa. It really shouldn't be yours and his savings, it really should be "OUR INCOME. OUR EXPENDITURE, and OUR SAVINGS

A joint account and a single account for each is how me and DH work

We have our bills - our joint expenditure - housing , utilities , food, - split 60/40 - he earns more

What's left we decide where its going - x amount to Christmas , x amount to birthdays, x amount for leisure, X for savings, then the rest is split - 50/50 into separate accounts

Those accounts pay for our personal bills and expenditure - our cars, phones, clothing, haircuts etc

How we spend what's left in our own accounts is up to us

If he asks me to go to the pub, then hes paying, but Im more then happy to buy a case of beer for indoors - he has more disposable income then me as he earns more

He says I fancy steak for dinner - I say cough up cos the food budget doesn't cover steak and Im not putting more of my own earnings in unless he does

It sounds so clinical but it's not really. Just means we have what we think of as our own money to do what we want with - no matter who earned it , yet we both contribute equally ( pro rata ) to day to day living

Im a saver, hes a spender, I couldn't sleep not knowing to the penny what is in any account - hes of the mind "a long time dead and you cant take it with you "

Seriously, you are married, you are bringing a child into the world, you really do need to have this conversation. I mean that really kindly

My DH is the most kindest, gentlest, generous man who you would be lucky to meet, but let him handle the finances ? Not a bloody mission

He sounds like a penny pincher and not in a fun way.

Does he have a plan for what he wants to spend these savings on or is he just into accumulation?
How did he manage to pay his way before you came along?

No not normal. We have joint finances

OP for difficulty with money conversations go to Money Helper. https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money

I used to work in the area of financial planning for those about to be married. We highlighted areas most couples don’t even consider.

Many couples find a hybrid system works best:

Joint account for shared bills (rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, insurance, kids’ costs).
Personal accounts for individual spending (clothes, hobbies, gifts, lunches, etc.).

Contributions to the joint account can be:
59/50(if earnings are similar)
Proportional to income (e.g., one earns 70%, so contributes 70% to bills)

The point here is, everyone knows what’s coming in and going out.

Until it doesn't. How many threads have there been on here where one drains the account and fucks off?

Joint accounts are just not necessary for everyone. I've been married a long time and we've never joined finances. Its weird when people keep saying it is the done thing

Good god I despair at women sometimes. Raise the bar OP. Ffs

This, i think it matters if he isn’t paying because the money doesn’t exist or because he doesn’t want to.
If it’s because he doesn’t have the money because he’s been sick, then it’s a bad month & hard for both of you. However, if the money does exist then he needs to contribute fairly.
Also if he really does have £7/8k saved I think it will affect your UC claim, i think you get money deducted after £6K.
And I also agree he should use saving for emergencies instead of taking on debt.
What is he saving for? What’s his goal?
Also was this behaviour a one off because of a temporary setback or is he always like this? I think that matters too.

Hard agree.

I don’t understand why some women won’t help themselves.

Sounds like he’s use to not paying his way at home, and now doesn’t like having to use his money to pay bills. Did he pay board to his parents. He probably likes seeing his savings go up and is acting entitled expecting someone else to pay

I doubt many people experience this. I doubt many people are uncomfortable raising issues with their husband unless they are scared of him either. Are you sure you're not scared of him? Why would you marry someone you can't freely discuss finances with?
Your DH should be the one person in the world you could discuss absolutely anything with, especially as parents. I know you're on maternity now so assume it's only a baby but as that baby gets older there are going to be a lot of conversations that need to be had and joint decision making. They could be some very difficult conversations and decisions. How are you going to do this if you can't even tell him you are getting into debt because he isn't paying his fair share?

And you’ve had a child with him? What vould possibly go wrong here?

Let me guess - He cooks and cleans, though?

Yeah...that's not something to be rewarded - It should be seen as normal to equally cook and clean.

You're married to a man who doesn't financially contribute, doesn't buy you anything, doesn't celebrate you, and his family are a shit-storm. He sounds like a cocklodger. What use is he outside of normal, domestic duties? Stop enabling this nonsense and never settle for less. Grow your self-esteem, put yoir foot down, close your bank accounts, and have everything paid into the joint account. You don't have to bow down to this man, or act like the Mother he never had.

It should not be a confrontation asking him to pay his way. You just tell him how it is, not ask him. Marriage is a joint enterprise . Joint means money in together, bills paid together. I've never had it any other way. I couldn't trust a man who doesn't trust me with his money.

Everyday there is another financially abusive cunt being described as ‘lovely’
This is how selfish entitled men behave, nice men don’t ‘forget’.
Your ‘kindness’ and discomfort are enabling his financial abuse.

I get why people want to have separate finances but it's also extremely impractical. My husband earns 5 times what I earn. Let's say we have outgoings of 2k per month (for easy maths). Splitting that 50/50 would be very uneven. Even if I put 300 in and he put 5 times that, he'd have a disposable income of 4 times mine. Given part of the reason there's such a salary discrepancy is that I've gone part-time to care for OUR children, that would be extremely unfair. Even full-time his salary would be double mine.

OP is on SMP caring for his child. This is unacceptable.

@TeenGirl2024 he sounds awful. Maybe it’s time to rethink this “ relationship” ?

If he is on minimum wage and working between 32 and 37 hours a week his pretax income income is approximately between £1671 and £1936 a month. If he’s not paying bills or groceries and skips paying rent what is he spending his money on? He is either gambling which is so problematic or sitting on savings while you go into debt which is also highly problematic. You need to see his bank accounts!

given your username it sounds very much like you are a teenager who jumped into marriage (and parenting) far too soon to cope with all that comes with being married

if you cannot talk to him about crucial but in reality very mundane aspects of the relationship then get your parents to help (or seriously think about a divorce)

There's nothing odd about this. Be sensitive!! Relationship are different.

Of course it's odd.

I don't know why so many women put themselves into vulnerable situations like this. Leaves them high and dry if they want to leave.