How independent should I be as a step mom?- Feminism chat

[jaystar666]

HI friends, I live in a High cost of living area with my bf for the past 2 years. He has two children, ages 2 and 4. He got divorced shortly after he had his second child and I've been in their lives every other week since then.

We are moving to a lower cost of area because we simply cannot afford where we are anymore. I am interested in going back to school full time so I can get a job (probably in nursing). I'd be able to make a good wage after 1 year of schooling but wouldn't be able to be a STAHM.

I haven't told my bf of this yet, because he wants me to stay at home with the kids because he is an artist. The place we are moving to has a vibrant art scene, and he told me if I just "wait a few years" he'll be able to give me "everything I dreamed of and more" if he "makes it". I do believe he has potential but he won't be able to get far if he doesn't have anyone helping him with his two children (He also has ADHD, PTSD from the army and gets extremely drained from his children).

I don't know how I feel about completely relying on my bf for support in a new city and also giving up my chances at a career. I'm 30 and not getting any younger and I want to secure my future and this sounds like a risk. He thinks feminism is really ruining modern relationships because we need to work as a team, yet I'm putting all my eggs into a basket that isn't secure (he doesn't want to get remarried).

Any help?

@Summerhillsquare Summerhillsquare - I don't think this post is specific to the US, can you correct me if you think I'm wrong? , I am genuinely curious!

@Namechangeforthis88 Namechangeforthis88- He has ruined my life a lot already I feel like. I don't know if I actually have the support of my parents to move back so I feel that I am legitimately trapped with him because I have no resources.

@Coyoacan Coyoacan- Sorry to hear that, I've told the bf before "What if you decide to leave me one day?" but he always finds a way to deflect it.

@Wooloohooloo I basically became that because I've been incredibly sick for 2 years, but that's been partially because the kids come home with every kind of virus from day care.

I lost like 4 jobs, my most recent being because I asked for part time because he told me he was going to pay me to watch the kids if I went part time. So I asked for part time which they gave the OK, then randomly 1 day before my job they said they can only have people full time so they took me off the schedule. Then he decides he actually cannot pay me to watch the kids. so I'm back to square 1.

Go to your parents, get your degree and have someone fall in love with you who actually deserves you.

No but his wife can’t afford to be a stay at home wife. If you are so much under the glamour of this fool there is no point discussing it with you. But stop fantasizing about how other women get to be SAHcwives. He can’t afford you. And you can’t afford him.

@heartofglass23 so I talked to my mom today and I'm thinking she's not stoked on having me at her 55+ new place.. even though they have two extra bedrooms. I hate this american culture sometimes. I could really use a new start.

@pikkumyy77 I appreciate your help and I am trying to understand.

Trad wife to an ex military guy with a shaky work history and fantasies of striking it rich and living off the grid with his girlfriend or plural wives is ver american. Its also not sustainable. In reality the communities where this happens are basically supported by welfare payments to the wives as the men are not economically viable.

So we’re adding abusive tendencies to his list of shortcomings - telling you no other man would love you is a horrible thing to do.

You don’t have to love his children. They’re not your children. Children are bloody hard work. It’s ok to not want to look after children who are not yours.

The reason you’ve lost jobs recently is: him. This is him dragging you down to his level. He wants you to think you can’t get that nursing qualification so that you stay looking after him. He wants you to think you are useless and don’t deserve more in life. Prove him wrong!

The custody thing, I suspect he wants his children half the time because that means he doesn’t owe child support to their mother.

She doesn’t have to be stoked about it. If she’ll let you stay there just so you can get back to school, get yourself sorted, do it. Today, preferably.

This relationship is a total shit show. Leave him, he won't change and he is totally using you.

This.

I read your OP in horror. Run for the hills. So many red flags.

OP, you need to beg your mum to let her stay with you while you study. Tell her how precarious your life is..

This guy sounds like a nightmare. You will lose your chance of a career, much of your youth looking after someone else's kids. He gets to continue to undermine you, tell you that no one else will have you, and mis manage his money. He has a history of broken relationships so if you stay, there is every chance that you will bring up his kids and he will move on to the next model when he is done with you. You will have no career, no security at that stage.

Run for the hills.

I know this isn't the point of the thread, but quite ironic that with talk of feminism the fallback option is to move in with a retired woman, and then blame it on American culture when she's not overjoyed about her 30 year old DD living rent free in her presumably small retirement flat because she made bad relationship choices.

How far away is he planning to move from his children? Will it make having them 50/50 very disruptive on their lives? I feel really sorry for them in this scenario but ultimately they aren't your problem.

If you're considering school, can't you get accommodation on campus?

Im not sure what this thread ever had to do with feminism but I fail to see how daughters turning to mothers for help in escaping abusive men is NOT feminist. However a more serious issue is that the mother is in 55+ housing. She probably can’t have the 30 year old live with her.

OP I really don’t know what to recommend. We do not have the safety net the UK does snd even if we do it varies wildly by state. But to the extent you can: run for your life.

Don’t do it.

Or if you must, get married first.

He thinks feminism is really ruining modern relationships because we need to work as a team, yet I'm putting all my eggs into a basket that isn't secure (he doesn't want to get remarried)

Just read this properly. Don’t do it. Really don’t do it.

@rookiemere "I know this isn't the point of the thread, but quite ironic that with talk of feminism the fallback option is to move in with a retired woman"

Because women supporting other women is sooooo unfeminist.🤔

Why does he want the kids 50/50 if he in essence wants you to look after them? Anything to do with financial reasons at all?

Fucking hell. He is a nasty shit of a man. Please peel back the blinkers and see how naive you are being.

Get yourself the job and future that you need and deserve. This man's only investment in you is as little as he can give to get a full time nanny for free.

Any man who tells me he doesn't agree with feminism = instant red flag.

Any man who tells me nobody else would love me = instant red flag.

He only wants you as a bang maid and nanny. He's not even willing to give you any sort of legal protection for your future should the relationship break down.

Do not bet on jam tomorrow with this man.

@LorlieS my thoughts exactly - often when 50 50 is insisted upon it's to avoid paying support. And if your default is to have your partner provide the childcare - how is that in the best interests of the children? Surely access should be about spending time with the parent.

rookiemere- It's my mom and my dad's house and it has two extra bedrooms. And I am in an abusive situation with bad health and would appreciate some compassion.

Minieggy- Im sure dorms would be almost or just as expensive as getting a normal apt, even if they do offer it . The closest city is unfortunately 4 hours away.

pikkumyy77- I can live with her and my dad in their 55+ . I can’t really “run” anywhere. Also I want the homstead, not him, dont think he cares about that

LorlieS- he looks after them too he just wants the ability to have all the freee time it takes to create art (it takes a lot of rest time and isloation time as well to create) also he has physical problems from the army so his body kills him when he has to stand for a long period of time painting in private homes, commercial buildings etc.

LorlieS- His view of feminism is that woman got jobs to sustain their own and it broke apart the household I think.

@Saggypants- I don't have 0 skills... I have a B.S and a few certs. I'm about to get my 500 level yoga cert (an advanced one after teaching a few years), real estate liscense but I stopped after my partner and I split up. and poor health I think only because of the kids day care.

buidhe - he's not having me provide all of it, he wants to be in their lives 100% and considers the 50 / 50 not ideal either but what else can he do, but he just runs out of energy quick and also loses his temper, yells at them etc, can hardly get out of the bed most mornings when they wake up early (he has sleep apnea also..)

OP this man is bad news in everyway.
Move in with your mom, regroup and get your life on track.

The most reliable barometer of future behavior is past behavior and he has a horrendous track record and blames women for every failure in his life.

You have already been given the answers by many women on here already: get away from this man and don't set such low standards for men in the future.