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Original poster

How independent should I be as a step mom?- Feminism chat

113 replies

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 16:37

HI friends, I live in a High cost of living area with my bf for the past 2 years. He has two children, ages 2 and 4. He got divorced shortly after he had his second child and I've been in their lives every other week since then.

We are moving to a lower cost of area because we simply cannot afford where we are anymore. I am interested in going back to school full time so I can get a job (probably in nursing). I'd be able to make a good wage after 1 year of schooling but wouldn't be able to be a STAHM.

I haven't told my bf of this yet, because he wants me to stay at home with the kids because he is an artist. The place we are moving to has a vibrant art scene, and he told me if I just "wait a few years" he'll be able to give me "everything I dreamed of and more" if he "makes it". I do believe he has potential but he won't be able to get far if he doesn't have anyone helping him with his two children (He also has ADHD, PTSD from the army and gets extremely drained from his children).

I don't know how I feel about completely relying on my bf for support in a new city and also giving up my chances at a career. I'm 30 and not getting any younger and I want to secure my future and this sounds like a risk. He thinks feminism is really ruining modern relationships because we need to work as a team, yet I'm putting all my eggs into a basket that isn't secure (he doesn't want to get remarried).

Any help?

OP posts:
gestroopd · 31/12/2023 19:13

Btw he's only against "feminism" because it inconveniences him!!

Original poster
jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:18

gestroopd- I've definitely thought about why he blames feminism for the fall of humanity according to him. I've straight up told him before that he's not being the "traditional provider" that he needs to be in order for me to actually not work. BBL getting a job asap.

OP posts:
TheQueenMakersDaughter · 31/12/2023 19:20

He. Is. Lying.

To you, to himself, whatever.

Lies.

Original poster
jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:20

He's also told me before if I leave no man will love me like he loves me. I do love him and it hurts me to think about that. My therapist told me that's not true, and I'm still young and If I'm single and working I WILL find someone, it's just so so so hard with these children involved. It makes everything 209439860x harder.

OP posts:
Original poster
jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:25

TheQueenMakersDaughter- He said he would get married to me again but he does not want to get the government involved. Which is understandable but still now I understand why people want to get married before raising children. Gives them $ they deserve if they end up needing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:26

Not that I would get any because they're not my kids.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 31/12/2023 19:29

He's a cocklodger living off you;my husband has ADHD and has a paying job;my daughter has AuADHD and manages a full time college course and a part time paying job.

As far being a SAHP for his children;that's a bold assumption that he'll get full time custody;sounds more like he has no intention of parenting his own children and is full of shit and essentially a future faking leach.

The two divorces are a huge red flag.🚩

Bin him off;don't tie yourself to him and for the love of god don't let him impregnate you.

Original poster
jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:30

gestroopd- My mom was definitely financially reliant on my dad and they had a beautiful life together! I do understand most women here have my back and want me to get out so I'm seriously considering- thanks everyone.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 31/12/2023 19:31

They're not your kids and you don't love them. Which is OK, totally OK.

But then why are you making all your life choices around their needs and the needs of their father?

Go to your parents. Start over. Go to school. You can have a totally different life.

And he's right, no-one will love you like he does because no two loves are the same. You might meet someone who loves strong, independent career women, for example. You might meet someone who wants to build a family with you, rather than use you as an unpaid care-giver. You might be loved by someone with no baggage, no PTSD, who just loves having a laugh and a good time. All those different loves you could have...

Lavenderosemary · 31/12/2023 19:32

Look how articulate and thoughtful you are. You've got everything it takes to go places independently. Move back with your parents, then you've got a future of your own making to focus on. Moving back with your parents won't be for too long . If you don't look after you, noone else will. What's your life going to look like in 5 years if you a) stay as you are, or b) move back with you parents and reboot... Take time to think carefully about the answer to those scenarios. x

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 19:47

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:20

He's also told me before if I leave no man will love me like he loves me. I do love him and it hurts me to think about that. My therapist told me that's not true, and I'm still young and If I'm single and working I WILL find someone, it's just so so so hard with these children involved. It makes everything 209439860x harder.

You're thinking this is hard when it's really very simple.

He says he loves you, but what does he actually do to demonstrate that ?
He is using you to look after his DCs, it's pretty clear. Apart from that he doesn't sound like much of a keeper.

Reread your posts as if a friend had written them, would you advise her to stay with such a boyfriend?

pikkumyy77 · 31/12/2023 20:17

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 19:30

gestroopd- My mom was definitely financially reliant on my dad and they had a beautiful life together! I do understand most women here have my back and want me to get out so I'm seriously considering- thanks everyone.

Look: my mother was a SAHM and had a great life (70 years married!) and I was a SAHM supported by my wonderful husband until I went back to school at 56 and now have my own practice. But what these two happy marriages have in common is not “traditional “ men or “SAHW” but high wealth, security, snd extremely loving husbands who can afford snd more than afford to support their families.

Stop assuming that mr “Im an artist” is going to be able to support his children snd his unpaid nanny (you!). Marriage isn’t something he can afford—even if he were interested. He has no assets, he has no income, he has a track record of poor decision making, financial and marital fuckups, and overwhelming responsibilities to his children. Marriage ISN’T EVEN IN THE CARDS but if it were it wouldn’t solve the financial issues.

Original poster
jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 20:30

pikkumyy77- Well, sounds like you got very lucky just like my mom. So should a man be single his entire life because he's not wealthy?

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 31/12/2023 20:43

This whole thing sounds like a fever dream.

If it is true, I'm bloody glad I'm not in the US!

Wooloohooloo · 31/12/2023 21:25

He's a fast mover, I'll give him that. He started seeing you as his youngest child was born and is now asking you, within two years, to be an unmarried SAHM to HIS children?! He knew what he was doing- he lined you up straight away to look after HIS young kids to avoid parenting and drudgery duties. Clever bloke. But don't fall for it.

PurpleBugz · 31/12/2023 21:29

No!! No no no. Never be a SAHM if you are not married. They are his kids anyway he should be parenting not outsourcing to you. You are being used. I wonder why his marriage broke down 🤔

Wooloohooloo · 31/12/2023 21:29

Feminism is nothing to do with this. They're not your children and he's emotionally abusive- telling you no one else would ever love you like him?! Thank god, because his version of love is toxic.

Namechangeforthis88 · 31/12/2023 21:55

Future faking so hard he needs a medal for it. The next big win is just around the corner!

This man will ruin your life without hesitation. Please don't allow that to happen.

LorlieS · 31/12/2023 22:03

@jaystar666 I married a wealthy man first time around. I lost all of who I was, he expected me to give up my career to become a SAHM. It was all about control and my life was hell.
I'm now married to a man who earns a pretty low wage doing an incredible job. I work in a job I love and I feel completely valued and respected.
Wealthy men are most definitely not always good men.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2023 22:11

My friend did that. She gave up work to look after her sds. Eleven years later her partner kicked her out of his house with nothing to her name. During that time he'd always undermined her parenting too

Bladwdoda · 31/12/2023 23:34

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 20:30

pikkumyy77- Well, sounds like you got very lucky just like my mom. So should a man be single his entire life because he's not wealthy?

Is wealth relevant here. What’s relevant is he wants you to prioritise HIS work and HIS children over your own career. You would be the one sacrificing and gaining nothing, while he sacrifices nothing and gains free childcare.

Obviously if he was wealthy he could pay a nanny and the issue probably wouldn’t exist. Buts he’s not and neither are you.

LorlieS · 31/12/2023 23:38

What do you believe his view of feminism to be?

Saggypants · 31/12/2023 23:41

I feel like I have nothing if I don't have him

You're 30, the prime of your life. You have no job, no qualifications, poor health. You're a domestic servant to a bad tempered, conspiracy theorist? guy who can't pay the bills.

You could settle for that, or break away while you're still young enough to start again from scratch. I bet your parents would absolutely love to see you back and out of this!

FreezyFord · 31/12/2023 23:44

This can’t be real, surely!

educatingrati · 31/12/2023 23:54

So he's been married a couple of times, the mother of his children in abusive, and he suffers with PTSD, he's an artist but hasn't actually 'made it' yet.
And he met you within weeks of leaving his wife with a newborn. And he wants you to stay at home and look after his kids on nothing more than dreams and air.
Yeh this has 🚩 x1000 all over it. Disengage and find someone else or be prepared for being miserable until he moves on to a younger model.