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Original poster

How independent should I be as a step mom?- Feminism chat

113 replies

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 16:37

HI friends, I live in a High cost of living area with my bf for the past 2 years. He has two children, ages 2 and 4. He got divorced shortly after he had his second child and I've been in their lives every other week since then.

We are moving to a lower cost of area because we simply cannot afford where we are anymore. I am interested in going back to school full time so I can get a job (probably in nursing). I'd be able to make a good wage after 1 year of schooling but wouldn't be able to be a STAHM.

I haven't told my bf of this yet, because he wants me to stay at home with the kids because he is an artist. The place we are moving to has a vibrant art scene, and he told me if I just "wait a few years" he'll be able to give me "everything I dreamed of and more" if he "makes it". I do believe he has potential but he won't be able to get far if he doesn't have anyone helping him with his two children (He also has ADHD, PTSD from the army and gets extremely drained from his children).

I don't know how I feel about completely relying on my bf for support in a new city and also giving up my chances at a career. I'm 30 and not getting any younger and I want to secure my future and this sounds like a risk. He thinks feminism is really ruining modern relationships because we need to work as a team, yet I'm putting all my eggs into a basket that isn't secure (he doesn't want to get remarried).

Any help?

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 31/12/2023 16:39

Dont do it.

PuttingDownRoots · 31/12/2023 16:41

Your BF wants you to a sahm for his children?

Not married.. no to being a sahm
Not completely in your household... no to being sahm
Both scenarios? Run for the hills

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 31/12/2023 16:41

I'm not sure what feminism has to do with it, but no - I would not move. It sounds like a dreadful idea. What are his plans as an artist? What networks is he in? Does he have a fine art degree? Is he selling work currently? Has he had exhibitions?
Obviously some artists succeed without this but it is unusual.
And in the meantime, he needs a steady income.
Even afterwards with the state of cultural funding lately.

Hermittrismegistus · 31/12/2023 16:41

Are you in the USA?

singlemum93 · 31/12/2023 16:42

Are you crazy?
So you want to give up your life/hopes/dreams to be a mother to his children?
His children who he left the mother of as soon as they were born?
And you would want to be with this man why exactly?
Do you want children of your own? Cos I sure as hell wouldn't wanna marry this guy or have his kids.

singlemum93 · 31/12/2023 16:43

His children/childcare is not your problem. End of.
Pleaseeeee run for the hills

LegoDeathTrap · 31/12/2023 16:46

Run

Nellieinthebarn · 31/12/2023 16:47

Are you mad? His kids are his responsibility, if you want to be a hands on stepmother that is your decision, but it is not your responsibility to look after his kids at all. He is using you for free childcare.

Of course you shouldn't rely on him to support you, especially as he wont enter the legal contract of marriage with you. There is absolutely no guarantee he will make any money out of his art, he may get lucky but the odds are against it.

You would be very wise to get a qualification that enables you to support yourself. In fact this is the only sensible part of your post.

As for feminism ruining relationships. This is only true for lazy weak men who cannot handle an equal partnership with a strong independent woman.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 31/12/2023 17:04

When you were a little girl, was your dream to be an unpaid nanny to two little kids that weren't your own?

Nope, didn't think so.

This is madness. Don't do it.

I could never be with a man who thinks feminism is ruining relationships by the way, that's instant ick. What he means by that is feminism is making it harder for him to find controllable women.

Also I imagine there are thousands of female artists out there who also get drained by their children, and who have them more than every second weekend, and yet still manage to make work. He has at least 50pc of his time childfree, doesn't he? That's something many women artists would give their eye teeth for. Nothing to stop him working like a demon when he doesn't have them.

Trisolaris · 31/12/2023 17:08

So he wants to have his cake and eat it!

If he prefers a traditional relationship then he should want to marry you so you have security.

If he prefers a modern relationship then he shouldn’t be pressurising you to give up your job to be an unpaid nanny to his children.

Original poster

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 17:25

Sorry I'm a new user here so I'm attempting to reply to the messages in order.

@PuttingDownRoots- Yes, my BF wants me to a sahm for his children.

He's already been married a couple times. Once when he was way younger (he's from a state where that's normal...not normal in my home state) The mother from his children and him had a very nasty divorce and she threatened to take the kids away from him, or "run away and start over and make two new kids with someone better" etc, very abusive emotionally and physically. So he has good reason to not want to be married again, but it's unfair to ask me to do all the married things without it. I didn't care to ever be married, but in this situation it feels only fair.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 31/12/2023 17:29

How does he support himself now?

He sounds like a typical cocklodger who wants to piss around with his hobby while his "partner" has the real job that pays the bills but she also takes care of his children as he can't be arsed to.

Blames feminism but he picks and chooses the part of relationships and tradition that suit him.

Not offering marriage or offering a substantial income to provide for a traditional family.

KievLoverTwo · 31/12/2023 17:30

If you currently live somewhere where you know people and have a support network, DO NOT LEAVE.

Do not end up somewhere where you know nobody with this man, who sounds like a big Pile Of Nope.

Living with a man who has ADHD is hard enough when you don't have kids. It's a daily struggle for me.

I wish you luck with your future life decision making.

Original poster

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 17:30

SuperLoudPoppingAction-
I am ready to move out as well. He is selling his work, but he's not good at saving/investing so always ends up living paycheck to paycheck. He prefers to risk everything in order to fund his dream, however it's extremely difficult to do with two children.

Hermittrismegistus- Yes I am in the USA.

singlemum93- No I am not crazy. My hopes and dreams are just to have a homestead and a home. My bf tells me he's going to get us there- he's had a home before, but lost it due to being behind in 2 payments when his son was born (he had a rare birth defect that cost millions of dollars and the mother also fled south with the baby, basically kidnapping, and he tried finding her..horrible situation)
He did not leave- she did. The day she got her citizenship.
I love him and his children and love his art too, but I no, we cannot even think about having children with the current finances, also his mental problems/health problems.

OP posts:

ItsMyPartyParty · 31/12/2023 17:39

Do not do it!

You should absolutely stay independent. He might make it as an artist, the hard truth is he probably won’t. That is not something to hang your happiness on.

Right now he wants you to give everything up so he can do exactly what he wants in life. He’s selfish. Maybe manipulative.

Honestly, I think you should reconsider the relationship altogether. He’s not showing you the respect you deserve, he won’t commit to you, these are massive red flags. A good partner would be working out how you can both pursue your dreams. But if you stay in the relationship, absolutely stay independent.

Lavenderosemary · 31/12/2023 17:40

Run, fast and far. This is never going to be a life for you. You're useful. You're an appliance to him. Get out, train, get a wonderful job and an independent happy life based around your dreams. Don't let him strip you of your future.

Original poster

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 17:41

Nellieinthebarn · Today 16:47

I am not mad. He has paid for rent and most food, however I have to get a job because obviously i have more than just those payments. I disagree with his view of feminism, although I believe if I take a job (which I most likely will do) he will not be able to really have the best go at his career. His fault for having kids I guess though..

LaviniasBigBloomers- you're right. He's so drained from taking care of the kids usually the first three days he sleeps. It's really hard on him, even if I'm helping. He's giving up in our current location, but has connections in our new location.

Trisolaris- you are right, though at this point it feels like I don't even want to be married to him if that's how it is.

RantyAnty- Well the problem is I had a full time job when I met him. Moved in with him because I thought my apartment had black mold. Was so sick for 2 years because they go to day care- lost like 5 jobs. Plus my area doesn't have good schooling so I'm done with this place anyway. He is a full time artist so his pay goes up and down.

KievLoverTwo- yes its a daily struggle. Ive lived in a very tourist area for the last 5 years where most people come and go. so I don't have a super strong support network here, at least my parents are closer to where were considering moving, my brother is in another state far away with a baby of his own.

OP posts:

Meadowgrasses · 31/12/2023 17:48

He sounds awful! Leave and find someone better.

Original poster

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 17:51

Lavenderosemary- I'm not sure if my dreams involve even being a part of his capitalism dystopian nightmare...

OP posts:

JollyJanuary · 31/12/2023 17:52

You're giving up a chance of a career and having your own children to be an unpaid nanny for someone else's children to support a sexist bloke with mental health problems and an inability to look after his finances??

Penguinpairs · 31/12/2023 17:53

If he has to sleep for 3 days after having his children for the weekend then how do you expect to have children with him? Even if finances miraculously change- which they won't as you say yourself that he's crap with money- he is incapable of parenting. You may love him but cut your losses and find someone you can have an equal relationship with

Original poster

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 18:06

JollyJanuary-

Well that's one way to put it...we met when we were both out of relationships and didn't mean to get into a new one, but we naturally clicked and we have had some really fun moments- going to festivals together, he took us on our first cruise together, we have shared interests but not much money to peruse them. I do feel bad that his mom abandoned him at 8 and he wasn't as privileged as a I do. He does want to take care of me better, he just has trouble even taking care of himself. If I didn't have him I would have been homeless- we have a really bad housing crisis where I live. As far as the finances, this is the worst spot he's ever been in, and he's begging me to just wait it out because the divorce really impacted him financially.

OP posts:

Original poster

jaystar666 · 31/12/2023 18:08

Penguinpairs- Don't want children with him and he doesn't want any more. After this experience I wouldn't want any more, as they completely drain both of us, even with day care. He loses his temper fast and doesn't handle it well, our house gets extremely messy fast and I'm the one to pick it up. I understand I probably need to leave, but I have no idea where to go unless I move back in with my parents. I feel like I have nothing if I don't have him or at least this life I've built for 2 years. The doctor said I'll be sick for another 2 years also, because of their day care, and I really can't even handle that idea.

OP posts:

Brainworm · 31/12/2023 18:09

I strongly recommend you build some security/independence for yourself so this relationship, or any new one that follows, is and remains an active choice, rather than a necessity to have a roof over your head and food in your mouth.

In prioritising being a homemaker for his home and his family, you are seriously compromising your options and future financial security.

I don't see how feminism comes into it - it's about being a responsible adult who is able to take financial responsibility for oneself and ones dependents. You don't have any dependents and if you plan to in the future, you need to make sure you can provide for them. Looking after his compromises your capacity to plan for this.

TheQueenMakersDaughter · 31/12/2023 18:13

This has disaster written all over it, I'm afraid.

Why do you want to risk your financial security and independence on a dream that isn't even your own?

Think about what you want. Is it really to be a servant to this man and his children?

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