How independent should I be as a step mom?- Feminism chat

[jaystar666]

HI friends, I live in a High cost of living area with my bf for the past 2 years. He has two children, ages 2 and 4. He got divorced shortly after he had his second child and I've been in their lives every other week since then.

We are moving to a lower cost of area because we simply cannot afford where we are anymore. I am interested in going back to school full time so I can get a job (probably in nursing). I'd be able to make a good wage after 1 year of schooling but wouldn't be able to be a STAHM.

I haven't told my bf of this yet, because he wants me to stay at home with the kids because he is an artist. The place we are moving to has a vibrant art scene, and he told me if I just "wait a few years" he'll be able to give me "everything I dreamed of and more" if he "makes it". I do believe he has potential but he won't be able to get far if he doesn't have anyone helping him with his two children (He also has ADHD, PTSD from the army and gets extremely drained from his children).

I don't know how I feel about completely relying on my bf for support in a new city and also giving up my chances at a career. I'm 30 and not getting any younger and I want to secure my future and this sounds like a risk. He thinks feminism is really ruining modern relationships because we need to work as a team, yet I'm putting all my eggs into a basket that isn't secure (he doesn't want to get remarried).

Any help?

If he can't look after his kids, he needs to leave their with their mom and pay maintenance. Not nice in the first woman to come along and expect her to look after them whilst he fails to make a proper living.

Get A Job.

Let him sort out his kids.

If you leave now you will feel you have nothing and have wasted 2 years. If you stay you will eventually leave and feel you have nothing and have wasted 5/10/20 years. If you don't want children then you don't even have that nagging doubt that at 30 he's your last chance to become a parent. You can make a good life for yourself but you need to start that journey. Best of luck

I would run for the fucking hills.

This is a pretty good summary. He's also a future faker - promising you the earth but in the mean time you become more and more worn down by this guy and his children (obviously not their fault that they have two useless parents).

You're not responsible for him, his mental health or his kids. Go and retrain and get your own career because you'll be waiting a long time for him to get his arse in gear.

He doesn’t care about his kids that much.

He just wants someone to step in and parent for him and so he can selfishly faff around avoiding responsibility responsibility.

He is not someone who should have had kids. He’s a child.

SleepingStandingUp- I don't really blame him for not being able to pay his bills, its almost impossible to be able to afford everything, especially where we live and that's why were moving. It's become crazy in the last 1/2 years. However if I had two kids I'd be busting my ass for him. I did get a restaurant job, then he convinced me to go part time because was saying I wasn't in the kids lives at all... then they basically fired me because they said they only needed full time (wish they would have given me the option to go back full time but oh well) . Also then he told he he was going to pay me for nannying, but once I lost my job he rethought about it and just doesn't have the $ right now to do so. So I'm back at square one and pretty miserable.

Penguinpairs- I'm not sure if I can have a good life for myself. I'm worried about being able to even get my liscense and if I'm smart enough/can focus enough.

SingleMum11- yes I agree I don't think he should have had children. They were both mistakes. He does love his children and worry about them constantly and wants a better life for them than he had (he had a complete shit childhood) but he has so many problems. He's anti abortion for that reason but I told him if we got pregnant I'd get one.

TheQueenMakersDaughter- I don't have any financial security or independence at the moment but, I do want it obviously. No, I don't want to be a servant, he said eventually we can get a nanny/housekeeper when we can afford it. He's just telling me it's a hard time right now for us and it's going to pay off for the both of us.

Personally I think you should carry on with the plan to do a nursing degree. For the following reasons..
*The children are his and his Ex’s, it is there responsibility to arrange care for them .if you take on an integral role in their care it will be near impossible to withdraw from it at a later date and he is shirking his responsibility
.*Doing the degree will offer you the best future possible both if you stay with him and If you don’t.
*Why should his “career” be prioritised over yours when it is HIS children that need care. That is a bed precent to set.
*He has had several failed relationships already suggesting there might be a reason his relationships fail. 2 yrs is not long term enough to be sure it’s a permanent thing.

OP
You don’t have to reply to each person, but if you want to you can see the ‘quote’ feature via the three dots on the top right of the post. If you @ you can highlight an individual poster. ☺️

As for your situation- omg, don’t. This isn’t about feminism, this is about common sense and respect in relationships. If your boyfriend respected you, he would not try to highjack your future for his benefit.

Also, there is zero common sense in not investing in your future.
Think about who will be most impacted in a negative way if you break up? It will be you.

You're giving up a chance of a career and having your own children to be an unpaid nanny for someone else's children to support a sexist bloke with mental health problems and an inability to look after his finances??

This. Do not pin your hopes on him managing to somehow financially support you and his children. It's not going to happen. However little confidence you have in your ability to earn well, having a job is still the only way to safeguard something of a future for yourself when it all inevitably falls apart with this man. He just wants a woman with whom he can park the children he never wanted, so that he can piss around pursuing his artistic dream.

No he doesn’t worry constantly or want a better life for them. Look at his actions. Not his words. If he did he’d be parenting them himself and not asking a stranger to do it for him. He really isn’t caring for them is he. He’s a wreck and he’s denigrating their mothers, avoiding paying child support and it’s damaging for them. This is not okay. Those poor kids.

Bladwdoda- He believes if I go to work he will not be able to work on his career because taking care of the children takes too much out of him. Well, it takes a lot out of me too, especially because I get violently sick usually 1-2 times a month. (I have covid last month and a 3 week flu this month with a week long fever) Why should his “career” be prioritised over yours- he's told me because he's already worked on his craft for so long he's "almost there" and almost ready to break through in the industry. I just don't know if I can wager basically my whole life to believe in him- isn't this what most young couples do? (usually married, I know, but still)

Dotcheck- Thanks for the info,I don't want to use a quote because it would make the the post too long. I did break up with him several months go, got a low paying job living at my parents and I was even more miserable. This time if I go back I'll go to school and at least I'll have a reason why I'm at my poor parents house.

Dotcheck- Oops now I see I accidentally quoted someone elses post in responding to you, lol hope you can follow the conversation. I need a nap obviously 💩

Has anyone ever told you this: don't move away to escape your problems, because your problems come with you.

You seem like a nice young woman who is a bit lost and who loves her boyfriend. But your dreams and goals, you know, they just don't align. That's OK. You can part with love, follow your own dreams, make your own family.

You don't have to be stuck nannying his.

Please don't be this gullible. No one loses their home after only 2 missed payments

AllProperTeaIsTheft- You might be right. It's very confusing for me because my mom dad a job as a nurse, and my dad convinced her to quit after she had my brother and I because he was making enough money and he wanted her to stay home with the kids. I was told to have a career but my mom was basically a SAHM and they went from being pretty poor to a nice sized home and security. He obviously wanted the children because he convinced her not to get an abortion.

SingleMum11- The birth mom is a stripper. Not sure if she is the best role model for them either.. He also wants to be in their lives, I've suggested every other weekend like a lot of dads but he wants to do every other week, not 100% sure why.

Babasaclover- he told me he didn't miss a payment for 10 years but missed the two, and since he was out of state chasing his ex they did a foreclosure and he didn't know. By the time he got back it was no longer his. That's his story. He is a veteran with a pension and has had plenty of jobs so I don't see how it was taken away from him unless it was done so unfairly.

@jaystar666 The fact he can’t manage his children’s care is his problem to sort, not yours.

“ isn't this what most young couples do?” - no most young women don’t give up their own eduction to raise someone else’s children, many do for their own kids, and those women are often in precarious financial situations when their relationship ends:

It’s your choice, but caring for his kids while he dosses bout playing at something that is unlikely to make money (even if it does it won’t be your money) is a BAD choice

LaviniasBigBloomers- Well, I don't know what to because I can't leave here any longer, rent is going up 1000k a month every year. Thanks. I just can't........love his children. I do love them, but not deep love, and their voices sound like nails on a chalkboard after we have them a few days. It would be easier if everything else wasn't such a fucking disaster. Thank you for the comment.

@Bladwdoda I agree, thank you. I just don't want to end up at my parents house again, but it seems like thats the only place I can go, and at least i have that option.

Basically this!

OP run as fast as you can to get away frim this man.

The paperwork alone would take sooooo long to do honestly he's lying to you. Get the fuck out

@Bladwdoda My other option is to move with him and tell him I'm going to school and that's that, but I'll probably then have to pay half rent and also do most of the chores, unless we get a cleaning lady. And I'm also thinking I won't have time to be in school and also do everything i'm "obligated" to do in this relationship.

Go to your parents and don't think twice about it. Tell your mum he wants you as a nanny - because basically he's saying he can't work AND have his kids so you have to not work. Your mother, I'm sure, will understand.

Study nursing if that's your passion.

It doesn't matter about feminism or any other titles, women should NEVER be financially dependent on a man. Once they are, the dynamic changes. It makes leaving nigh on impossible, and you can't choose to stay in a relationship that you can't choose to leave. Go now while you can and LIVE!