How independent should I be as a step mom?- Feminism chat

[jaystar666]

HI friends, I live in a High cost of living area with my bf for the past 2 years. He has two children, ages 2 and 4. He got divorced shortly after he had his second child and I've been in their lives every other week since then.

We are moving to a lower cost of area because we simply cannot afford where we are anymore. I am interested in going back to school full time so I can get a job (probably in nursing). I'd be able to make a good wage after 1 year of schooling but wouldn't be able to be a STAHM.

I haven't told my bf of this yet, because he wants me to stay at home with the kids because he is an artist. The place we are moving to has a vibrant art scene, and he told me if I just "wait a few years" he'll be able to give me "everything I dreamed of and more" if he "makes it". I do believe he has potential but he won't be able to get far if he doesn't have anyone helping him with his two children (He also has ADHD, PTSD from the army and gets extremely drained from his children).

I don't know how I feel about completely relying on my bf for support in a new city and also giving up my chances at a career. I'm 30 and not getting any younger and I want to secure my future and this sounds like a risk. He thinks feminism is really ruining modern relationships because we need to work as a team, yet I'm putting all my eggs into a basket that isn't secure (he doesn't want to get remarried).

Any help?

You admit yourself you are "in an abusive situation with bad health".
Go to your family for a few months (discuss it ahead of time) and get back on track.

Have you been dealing with any mental health issues?

He won't get married, yet wants you to give up your own source of income so you can look after HIS DC.

He sounds like a right catch, can't think why you're questioning this "offer".

In which case he would be much better reducing the level of contact and having quality time. I'm sure he would like them around 100% but what is best for them if he can't cope with them for longer periods. If he doesn't need your help all the time, then surely he could work around your course/your being employed?

Feminism didn’t take women out of the family, or steal his women from him, or cause a tidal wave in Japan. This asshole can’t keep any woman happy, can’t take care of his children, can’t be a famous artist, can’t pay for a new wife/maid/nanny. Feminism has nothing to do with it.

You need some breathing room to figure your shit out. Leave him, go home, and stop wondering what he thinks, or why he thinks it. He thinks and says whatever other jerks like him think and say after too much talk radio or youtube of other idiot men sho need to explain away their failures.

You don’t have the bandwidth to manage him and his problems. You can barely take care of yourself. Take time and space and relearn to manage on your own.

He wants you to take all the risks and he'll get all the benefits. Don't give up your job. You will be totally reliant on him and if your relationship goes pear shaped you'll have no home and no job and no way of supporting yourself. Do do it, especially as he doesn't want to marry you.

Go out and get yourself a full time job. You do realise the longer you have gaps in your employment record the harder it will be to get back into the workforce. Let him deal with caring for his DC or getting after school care or nursery care to do so. Not your kids, not your concern.

@caringcarer The idea is that it gives him free time to help his career which would help me "long term". If we build together. I hope you understand. Obviously they aren't technically my concern but I've been in their lives since they were 1 and 3 (and now they're 3 and 5) so its definitely a bonus- mom situation more than NACHO (nacho kids, nacho problem)

He gets all the benefits and you take all the risk. Why can't you build your own career?

The art world is notoriously fickle, he might put a ton of effort into his art and come out with nothing. It's a gamble. And you are taking a lot of risk because you don't get to build your career during this time, you're the unpaid housekeeper and nanny. Surely it would be possible for you to have study or work around the responsibilities HE has for his kids?!

OP I feel like you posted here for a reason and that your gut knows that what your partner is trying to achieve is unreasonable. Definitely try and get your license and get a job. Being a SAHM is incredibly hard work and doing it for my own kids pushed me to the brink of a breakdown and resulted in incredibly poor mental health - doing it for kids that I did not birth is genuinely the stuff of nightmares for me. Nursing will be easier! Working will be your break.

If you aren't in counselling already could you perhaps try to get some? Being financially dependent on a man who doesn't believe in women's financial independence is really not a good idea as you won't have proper control over your own life. It really sounds like you need to work on your self esteem. Is this man older than you? How many times has he been married? Are there other grown ups who are involved and active in the kids life? Your post really concerned me many levels.

From your OP and response it really seems like you are in a coercive controlling relationship and there could be some trauma related issues you need to explore, independently, to figure out why this is what you have decided is acceptable for your life and future.

I think this man is a vampire OP. He sounds like he is draining you dry. You seem very empathetic and kind but you need some boundaries here and this relationship does not seem healthy in any way. And you seem kind of stuck in it. I just read about your yoga teaching. This could and should be a career for you if you love it? 500 Hrs is generally expert level? But what about boundaries? And Patanjali and "minding your own business" - seems like your hands are so full with this mans truama and poor decisions that you dont have any time or space to mind your own as you too busy minding him? The kids I'm sure are great and awful as kids are but it's the big kid that wants you to stay small I'm most worried about here. I hope posting here and taking this opinions has made you pause xx

I've just read your thread OP I do hope you're ok and decided to move to your parents' to give yourself a fresh start @jaystar666 .

Sorry I haven't read the full thread. But my advice is- love yourself, leave, move in with your parents, go back to school, get a career. Then find someone who loves and respects you.