To sell my belongings and give up my dogs

[Staceyp788]

So...I'm in the same boat as most people rn. I had a good job that I have up to do something I enjoyed, we weren't well off but could afford to live and have days out and yearly holidays etc. Then we all got hit with the cost of living and shits hit the fan. I can't afford my bills. I have cut out all subscriptions, I buy everything from aldi and their essentials range if we run out of something in the week then tough it's gone. The only thing I haven't done is quit smoking...yes I know, I know...I will give it up, I have done it before and will do it again...however the £100 a month this would save us doesn't make up on what we are missing. My husband tried to better himself and get his HGV licence. £3000 later and it turns out that he's really good at driving a lorry, but doesn't like it... that put us in a hole for 5 weeks, cause his anxiety couldn't take it and he didn't go back to work. We have been playing catch up ever since. So now I have to sell my motorbike (crappy Chinese model) my car (crappy old fiat) and my gym equipment(a fit cube, a cheap cross trainer and a hill climber)...and I cant afford to feed the children, let alone the dogs. There is no help for us. I've already checked. You can't just walk into a food bank. And also I can't just get a new job cause I'm in the middle of an apprenticeship. So basically, life's shit and I've had enough.

Can't believe you'd give up your dog before cigarettes!

Well your DH will have to do something he doesn’t like for a bit won’t he?

my partner left me in my late 20’s and I have to work both my days off to cover the shortfall. You have to do what you need to do. It’s short term though, surely you’ll earn more when you finish your apprenticeship.

Some suggestions for practical help -
Food pantries do not need referrals generally and you pay a small subscription and get 3 - 4 times the value you pay and can use weekly
School Uniform - many (not all) local authorities have grant schemes, so worth contacting your local council / contacting schools, many of whom now have second-hand school uniform sales / rails
Are you entitled to any benefits - Turn2us has a benefit calculator https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/ - always worth checking as many assume they are not but actually are entitled to benefits
If you are on Universal Credit (even if you only have a tiny award it entitles you to a great many other benefits) and are you on social tariffs for water, broadband, phones, power? UC might also mean you are entitled to a council tax subsidy and this you apply directly to the local council for.
Local authorities have recently had their local welfare funds topped up and you might be able to get some help via these.
If you are a social housing resident, they may have funds to help or be partners with the local authority for welfare funding

I’m better at practical solutions.

1. obviously quit smoking but you know that
2. Food banks, get a referral from your GP, health centre , school or SS.
3. Tell school about uniform, they have pupil premium to help kids out. I’m not sure how that works but friend works in a secondary school in a deprived area and she organises uniform, san pro and ingredients for things like cookery lessons for lots of kids.
4. Contact the Cinnamon Trust, they may be able to find foster home/s for your dogs https://cinnamon.org.uk/ ( don’t worry that it says older people they’ll be happy to advise you and help if they can)or Dogs Trust https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/ to rehome. I think Blue Cross have pet food banks. https://www.bluecross.org.uk/PetFoodBank
5. Could your husband consider a driving job for 3 or 6 months? Having a time limit might help his nerves. Otherwise he’ll have to get two jobs and just work days and evenings or weekdays and weekends ( I did two jobs for twenty years, it was just the norm for me)
6. Work on top of your apprenticeship IF that is going to bring you a much bigger salary on completion. Bar work, shop work etc.. Otherwise put apprenticeship on hold and get the best paid job you can.
7. Check you’re claiming everything you’re entitled to.

Watching your life unravel is shit but you can get it back. Your DH has to realise you have to work as a team.

Hello everyone.

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

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Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon.

OP I’ve been in your position before when I became a single parent. Admittedly got help from UC but it wasn’t enough to cover all my outgoings, there was nothing left over. I stopped smoking (even vaping costs £20 for the thing and £1 a bottle of e liquid), I sold everything I had that had value, ate my kids leftovers before I saw her without and I had pets. Time to make some hard decisions, get your DP back working + muddle through. I’m more financially stable now but I still buy most my clothes secondhand, I’ve had my hair done in a hairdressers once in the last 5 years otherwise I do it myself (and DD!) dont drink, rarely do takeaways or go out.

I would probably consider getting rid of the husband before the dogs 😂

This minus the laughing emoji.

He sounds like a drain on resources. I'll bet he is shit at housework etc. too

If you had given up smoking at the start of the year you would nearly have saved enough for the uniform.

It sounds tough, OP, but remaining in an apprenticeship because it’s something you enjoy isn’t a luxury you can afford nor is smoking but you’ve mentioned you’re quitting so hopefully some of the savings from that will go towards food for your kids.
Why is the second half of that all crossed out? I see that a lot on here.
OP he needs to step up.
Give up smoking and see if you can put the first £100 you save on second hand uniform (for the branded bits).

💯

Well don't a lot of people hate their jobs? Isn't mh affecting us all of late? Get rid of him op. He brings nothing to the table.
Literally.. Give up smoking and feed your ddogs!

It sounds to me as if you need a rant and a hug more than anything else. And possibly your OH needs anything between a gentle nudge and a serious kick up the bum. You do sound understandably depressed, so I am genuinely sending that hug. I'm also concerned that you are not eating properly - The Bootstrap Cook has lots of really cheap recipes, and if you are really desperate there's a very good group on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/155365141797826 - not the most nutritious, but some good ideas about eating cheaply that might help.

This too will pass.... if you can keep your apprenticeship going, hopefully there is something good at the end of it. x

Your husband 'doesn't like it'?? Am I missing something? That doesn't sound reasonable to me at all. SUCK IT UP. Loads of people in jobs right now that they aren't crazy about but it's what to do if you want to eat. He can look for another option when you've saved some money and are in better circumstances.

I find it really annoying that people are acting like the OP can just give up her addiction at the snap of her fingers. I was addicted to cigarrettes for 45 years and for most of that time would have loved to have just given up.

OP, I thoroughly recommend Allen Carr's book "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking". I think you can find it in pdf on the internet.

Ask if the school has a hardship fund to help with uniforms.

driving a lorry, but doesn't like it

Tough, it earns well, so off he goes to drive lorries, taking anti-anxiety meds if he has to. Why should you give up your apprenticeship and the unconditional love of Ddogs because "D"H won't pull his weight?

Do yourself a spreadsheet that costs out life as it is now and life without "D"H present.

Can the younger kids wear the older kids uniform that they have outgrown?
Both my ds have always had new uniform every September but I just can't afford it this year. Luckily I bought big last year so he's wearing that in year 6 come September. He's the tallest in his school so unfortunately no 2nd hand available

First off look at turn2us calculator to triple check what help you can get.

And also to suss out what financial position you would be in if you were to split from DH.

I think his behaviour is unreasonable, it doesn't particularly matter whether he likes the job. He has three children, you have sacrificed for him, he should get on with it, and continue doing so until another comparable job is secured and/or you finish your training. If he has anxiety, he needs to get treatment.

A lot of what you've described, including smoking, is not "living" but luxuries. Will regard to the smoking I would find 2-3 days where you can be in the house, buy a lot of gum and just go cold turkey. It is hard, but the financial/health cost is too much. After that point, stay away from smokers/anything that you would associate with smoking and try to get to 3 weeks, 3 months etc, setting manageable goals.

When is your apprenticeship done?

He has a job now, but because he was unemployed for a period of time it's put it us in a financial hole as we needed to use credit cards to keep up with bills and food. (Silly me for thinking I could just get a loan and consolidate those debts 🙄) Just spoken to the school and they're going to help (hallelujah) thank you for all those trying to help. Now on to the credit cards. Also my employer is fantastic and she's going to help me with some extra hours... I would never give up my dogs. And I will always go without so my children can have what they need. But also some perspective .. my energy bill was £47pm this time last year...its now £245. I'm not the only one whose struggling and they probably have more bad habits than me.

Sorry you're getting a bit of a hammering here OP. You're not allowed to have any vices on Mumsnet. And if anyone can find the smallest slither of a reason to offer judgement, you can be sure they will.

Firstly I'd say (similar to others) that it's not COL killing your budget but your DH's lack of work. Is he getting help for his mental health issues? Medication, CBT/counselling etc. If he's not seen a GP, then he defo should. If he's rendered completely unable to work then are you getting any benefits you might be entitled to?

If he's not accessing help and isn't being proactive in looking for work then, well, that's a whole different conversation.

But secondly if DH really can't work it might mean that you do have to put your apprenticeship on hold for a while. It sucks hugely especially if there's a history of you always being the one to make the sacrifices. It's not fair and I totally understand that.

I think you do have some choices to make but I'd start first with DH and decide whether his lack of work is being of 'won't work' or 'can't work'.

I hope you get some pressure lifted off you soon. 😊

Your husband 'doesn't like it'?? Am I missing something

Yes. He has anxiety. Being responsible for a huge HGV is pretty terrifying when you think about it. So it's not just 'not liking it'. Personally I'd be preyty worried about an HGV driver being on the road and close to a panic attack.

OP, would he be okay driving a van and being a courier? He needs to get a job asap, and you need to go to citizens advice to make sure that you're getting all the help you need.
And what everyone else has said about uniforms.

Don't think its helpful for people to keep piling on about op smoking. Its an addiction its not as easy as "just give up".

Sorry if you've said op but try elf bars or similar. They aren't as faffy or expensive as refillable vapes and yes they still carry some risks but they are a lot cheaper and I find just a few blasts does me when a craving hits so 1 elf bar or a juul pod does me for about 3 days and costs about £4 a time. Good luck!!

Don't buy uniform, speak to the school, they should have a second hand offer.

Some.of the national food banks are a bit shit and rely on referrals only and only 3 times. Join your local FB groups - you can choose to post anonymously - and ask about local community fridges and food banks - they will be walk on and self declare. I volunteer for one, almost entirely staffed by people currently using it or who previously used it. There will be no judgement and no questions except to see if they can give you more support.

Sorry you are going through this, it's awful. Please try every avenue except leaving the apprenticeship as if you can hang on now, you will be better off soon.

Apprenticeship ends July 2024. And I could do that with the smoking, but I'd be worse off cause he smokes too (face, palm) so I leave the house and sit in the park behind my house and watch my kids muck about and do some assignments. I'm making progress, so I'm not about to beat my self up for over halving the amount spent. There's still work to do and I am doing it. Emphasis on I. Yes he's a dick, yes he's a waste of space...BUT there are plenty of things he does do and does not do that make him worth having around. Yes he needs treatment for his anxiety, he has had this in the past and...well...it royally fucked him up cause he was on the wrong stuff for too long without a review and the doctors kept fobbing him off so now he's lost his faith in them. I'm sure there's stuff I do that piss him off too but we're only human. Please rest assured I DO feed my children and my dogs! And am not adverse to throwing away my pride to beg if I have to.

Absolutely ridiculous to moan if you haven’t firstly given up smoking

DH needs to keep lorry driving until you have enough money to feed your children EVEN if he doesn’t like it. FFS people do jobs all the time they don’t enjoy in order to provide food to their children

Op would it help to post exactly what you've got coming a in and going out to see if anyone can spot any thing you can't see? It's so dark from the bottom of a hole, sometimes you need to borrow someone else's torch to see the steps.

How old are the kids? How easily can they pass sound uniform? Glad school are helping.

Are you sure if you're on an apprenticeship wage you can't claim any UC top up?