To just want to end it all now

[EinsteinVonBrainstorm]

It just can’t do it. I can’t get through this winter. We already have no money. We literally don’t have enough to eat this month and I can’t afford my Sertraline prescription. We’re not even low earners but we have historical debt (I know some people on MN are rubbing their hands together in delight that people who are in debt are struggling even more) and we can never get out of it especially now. “D”H won’t talk about it and just ends up shouting at me. I’ve been in floods of tears because he says I have to sell my paddle board which is the only thing I own that’s for me and it helps my mental health so much. He won’t talk to the credit card company and try to work out a payment plan or just offer to pay only 2 weeks late incase it ruins his credit so he’d rather our child starved. It’s that serious and it can only get worse. I had my first panic attack since I was a teenager today probably because I haven’t taken my sertraline since Tuesday. I can’t stop crying but this just makes “D”H more angry and he just keeps coming back to shout at me. It’s his fucking fault we’ve got no money but he just expects me to fix it! He’s got no compassion at all.

I went to Aldi before and bought the bare essentials. Walking around calculating everything in my head and how I could feed DS while spending the least amount of money by buying the cheapest crap. I couldn’t even buy shampoo but plenty of other people had trolleys full of stuff and bunches of flowers etc.

Then to top it all off, a notification came on sky news about people getting the cost of living payment. That’s the exact amount we need to survive this month but of course we’re not entitled.

”D”H jokingly mentioned doing Only Fans yesterday and I bloody well would if I knew how to.

Of course I will sell my paddle board because feeding my child is more important than my own well being but what happens next month? How will we survive? I don’t want to be here when there absolutely no joy in life and we can’t even afford the most basic life and all I do is go round in circles cleaning up after people. What the hell is to become of us this winter? Im just done. I don’t even know why I’m posting but I’ve written it all out now so there we go.

In regards to the Setraline can you sign up for a pre payment? It’s £10 ish a month which I know is still LOADS when you don’t have anything but all you need to worry about this month is this months instalment. I’ve done this and it’s taken a pressure off as I know I can get my medication still.
Try food banks, olio etc
we have cancelled all subscriptions, sky package etc. we have also gone through everything in the house and sold anything we don’t use / wear etc on vinted. It’s not loads but it’s enough to pay for a few months of prescription pre payment.
do you have a side hustle you could do?
Hang on in there 💐

Why was the historical debt run up?
Why is your husband's priority his credit rating?
What is leading you to think that his comment about only fans was a joke rather than an intention to plant a seed into your head ?

oh, no, I was just joking...well yeah, I suppose we could do with the money ...well, its up to you, only if you really, really want to, mind

{6 months later}

...only fans isnt bringing in that much money, have you ever thought about going down to SexyLegs and seeing if they have any spaces for strippers hahahaha.. no, course its a joke baby, you know I'd never have you do actual stripping, or prostitution.....although I have heard that it pays well and we could do with the money.

I have PM’d you. Olio is a great app if you are struggling - food for free (and other household items etc)

Can you tell me what a foodbank reference is? I'm a GP and I've never heard of it.

Also it’s not the sensible choice but I have told companies that we owe debt to that I can’t pay over winter. I’ll have to deal with the consequences later. My children are the priority: rent, heating and food x

www.trusselltrust.org/get-help/emergency-food/food-vouchers/
I think it depends on the food bank.
@EinsteinVonBrainstorm I'm afraid I don't have anything to add to all the good advice already posted. Look after yourself 💐

@Sarahcoggles a common misconception that GP's can complete food bank referrals, food banks requiring a referral need it from a health visitor, social worker, family support worker, sometimes school, they don't come from GPs normally

GP surgeries very often complete food bank referrals. I would imagine it’s usually administrative staff or allied health professionals who fill it in but I’m boggled a GP wouldn’t know what it is.

Why are you surprised? I'm a doctor, my job is to diagnose and manage illness. Whether someone has enough money to buy food is not a medical issue. Of course it may become medical if it leads to illness, but until then it's a social and financial problem. Not medical.

@EinsteinVonBrainstorm - I really feel for you. I'm not sure if anyone else has suggested this but have you tried Citizens Advice. They do all sorts of things but I just looked at their website and their number 1 topic is help with the cost of living. First paragraph...

"If you don’t have enough to live on, you might be able to get help from the government or your local council to afford essentials like bills and food. This includes the Household Support Fund and Cost of Living Payments".

You can consult them without your DH

Thanks for the support everyone. I’ve sent H the link to the Step Change website. If he hears the advice from anyone but me, he’ll actually listen 🙈. I’m going to contact the pharmacy today to see if there’s anything they can do to help but if not someone has kindly offered me some.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to a food bank as they really need to be for people who have no access to money. We’d have enough to feed ourselves if H will just do the sensible thing and put us first.

Well done OP. You’re taking sone great steps and I really hope things improve for you.

Id make an appointment with stepchange. Tell your H you have done this. I’m sure he will grumble to start with but he might end up going with you. I’m sure they will be able to help.

Please do NOT sell your paddle board! People who aren’t into sport don’t get just how vital exercise is to mental health and alleviating is the best because you can do it any time, you get v huge cognitive benefits from the slight singing movements you are constantly making, benefits from being outside on the water -it c really is better therapy than any drug -do not let him deprive you of it. And those who say the season odd over -NO! Even more vital in the winter for mental health. For me, I would absolutely prioritise it over my own food or anything else for ‘me’.

1. housing
2. child s food
3. paddle board and medicine

He's abusive OP 😔

Agree with PP who advise that there is adequate financial support for single parents. You would get universal credit with housing support. LTB your one and only life and precious DC are not worth this prick who continously treats you like shit.

Keep your paddle board or could you pawn it and get your prescription. You feeling down will be no use to your child either. Do you have a mortgage?

Really would recommend looking to see if you have a community fridge in your area, they really aren't just for people 'in need' and 'having money' isn't much help to you if it needs to be used for things like prescriptions and other essentials that aren't good. Hope you've been able to sort out your prescription

You might also want to point out that currently, he has more earning potential on OF than you do.

If he can 'suggest' selling your body, you can suggest that he sells his! Prick!

This is an excellent post and what I came on to say.

Re: being overtaxed. If you are a low earner in 2 jobs and only being given a tax free allowance in one you can end up paying too much tax. This happened to me once and I got a £800 cheque from HMRC.

Sure this has been covered by others, but you and your husband probably need debt advice. Not sure if you have already spoken to someone though and your husband has then refused to follow the advice. Anyway this page may help:
www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/money-troubles/dealing-with-debt/debt-advice-locator

Also you could try the citizens advice bureau if you have not already.

Hope things get better for you OP 💐

Thanks everyone, just to update once I could think clearly, I’ve put my big girl pants on and asked my parents to borrow some money. They were awesome and just said they’d send whatever I needed. I feel mortified as I haven’t had to ask to borrow money for over 10 years when I was a student and all it’s really doing is kicking the can further down the road but at least it gives me the wriggle room to make H see what we need to do.

Another piece of good news is the H is likely to get a promotion at work (he could have told me this before freaking out and trying to make me sell my things). I’ve no idea how long it’ll take for it all to be sorted out as it involves a major structural change within the company he works for but he should be able to negotiate a decent pay rise as he’ll be managing 2 departments so maybe that’s some light at the end of the tunnel.

I won’t be selling my paddle board, it really helps my mental health and I’ll continue to go until it’s too cold for my hands. The thing with selling all our stuff is that, if things get better, it’ll cost more to replace them. We have got some things up for sale like DS’s old bikes but there’s been no interest what so ever. Maybe everyone else is cutting back too.

That’s good, @EinsteinVonBrainstorm. I hope you are keeping at least some in a separate, private pot. Especially as your H has shown he is unwilling to prioritise your or the kids’ wellbeing when things get difficult.

I'm really glad that the weight has been lifted for a bit OP. I had to do the same with my parents, and like yours they were fantastic. Look at your own dc and know how much you would want to help them if you could. Use this breathing space to work things out. And go to your gp, get a prescription and ask for more packs in one go.

Things will improve. Sometimes it seems impossible but it sound like you have a supportive family and you're asking for help. Never be afraid to ask help if you need it.

Your credit cards are not a priority.

Food
Housing costs
Transport
Anything else

Pay bills In that order .... set a reasonable budget for food.

The credit card companies may have to wait. Just send them a copy of your budget and make token payments. How much do you owe?

@SparklingLime I got it sent into my personal account instead of the joint account and I will only send over what we absolutely need. Then if there’s any left on pay day I’ll sent it back to my parents.

@Floydthebarber that’s what I thought, I was so worried about asking but I know that if it’s DS in the future I’d be exactly the same and send what he needs (as long as he doesn’t take the piss and I have it to spare of course) and I wouldn’t want him to feel worried about asking in any way.