The Lockdown Saving and Spending Continues! May Frugaleers continued

[LaneBoy]

New thread!

That does sound tricky Wolf.

Pleased you had the discussion Em. I hope there is some improvement now.

born that’s exactly what I’d do. However we’ve established that dh isn’t on the logical scale.

He’s said he wants to go to the garden centre tomorrow to get xyz and also do xyz around the garden. So no work.

I’ve promised ds that we’ll do baking. Orange drizzle cake, savoury muffins and some flapjacks.

I suspect dh will be laid up in bed. He’s somehow hurt his back. So that’ll be me with no rest again. Sigh. And no running as can’t leave him alone with the kids.

If I sound unsympathetic I really don’t mean to. But it just seems like every time I get a sniff of something for me he spoils it by hurting himself or getting sick. I do not think he’s faking it by the way. And nor do I think he hurts himself on purpose.

Spoke to the boss earlier and said that as of Monday I’m working mornings only with an evening catch up if necessary. I’m planning on a couple of mornings in the office.

Have chosen this carefully as if I play it right the kids nap from 230 until 4...!! But have told dh that it gives me more time to get things in for meetings if I need to.

Tactical Em! I opted to work afternoons with dh doing mornings for a similar sort of reason, that's that the dcs are great in the morning usually but get tired and tantrummy as the day goes on

If he’s hurt his back he needs to stay active em. Lying in bed will only make it worse 😜

@Wolfcub sorry have been following the DC clusterfuck so didn't see your question.

Sounds as if there has been a lot of grumpy OHs and teens. I hope you are all getting to a better place. I have had a run in with my DM - she was getting annoyed that I wasn't immediately saying that their house hold would be in our bubble at the expense of DH's mum who lives alone or one of our friends who is in a very dark place due to isolation. Thankfully the govt have changed the idea and we don't have to choose one over the other. I may still develop a cough because they are doing my nut in with the hand wringing, science "knowledge" and their mastery of political pools & Westminster gossip.

Pay day yay. Paid myself first. Ended up working on and off until 9.30 last night and will have to work part of today which is annoying as today was marked out for interview prep work

Reported.

Morning all. I’m struggling to get enough work done (DH also acting like he’s a priority 😬) so it’s head down for me today, as much as kids allow. I have other ‘stuff’ to do too - some for school (I’m a governor) and some arrangements to make for our kids too, as DD goes back to nursery on Monday and DS to school on Wednesday and I have questions for both settings. I do get pissed off that it’s me that does all of that, it eats into my work time but DH still huffs and puffs about looking after the kids when he’s meant to be working. Grrr! There’s no doubt that the pressure of work + young kids at home is very tricky for parents right now, everyone feels short changed but women are still doing more than their share.

We have a big American style fridge freezer and the freezer isn’t maintaining a cold rough temperature. I’m worried we’ll have to replace it and it’s £££. We’ve already had to replace the washing machine and tumble dryer this year, ouch.

We’ve also got a problem with our front door - bought a new expensive one 3 years ago and had no end of problems. The surface keeps developing a. Blistering effect. We’re on our third front door right now (One a year!) and it’s developed the same fault. I don’t want another one under the guarantee, I want my money back in full. So I’m battling for that too (apparently also my job )

Back later if I have time, have a good day!

Morning all. Dh is in rather a lot of pain. He’s got his tens machine on at the moment so hoping that helps.

But it probably means he won’t be able to do much today. So there goes my quiet time.

Tempted to ask Dm to come up this morning to help me.

As of today apparently we’re allowed people in our houses. It’s been leaked again by our government. But not officially announced until later this afternoon.

Thank goodness it's pay day. Thought I'm still on my old wage.

Sorry lots of people are struggling, in one of them tbh, Its shit balancing everything. I also think we are too hard on ourselves. I certainly am.

Sorry DH is poorly again em. I agree he needs to keep mobile but you might not want him moaning under your feet. Yy to recruit help. Can dsis take them for a walk for you?

£94 ish Sainsbury's c&c today.

Dsis would but she’s in work (teacher). I’ve called Dm. She’s coming up at 9ish.

I’m not working today so that’s a blessing. But yeah. It does feel like dh is doing this on purpose if I’m honest although I know he’s not. Make sense?

Em after lots of years of having a sick dh and having to pick up the slack yes I empathise entirely with what you're saying. Particularly when they are miraculously well enough to do something for themselves but not something that is needed by the family.

As a bad back owner I agree with others that staying in bed is unwise but also you do not want him under your feet

He’s staying in bed for the moment as he can get some quiet and use his tens machine in peace. So for now it’s sensible.

As I said I’m not disputing that he was ill. There’s no way he could have faked the high temp or the rather productive cough. The tiredness....maybe. Bad back...possibly but he wouldn’t take stuff for it unnecessarily. That’s not him.

But yeah. The not doing family stuff mental load stuff - annoying. Deeply annoying. But I can do it all on my own. I shouldn’t have to. But know I can. And like I said to dh yesterday I’d be ok if we were no longer together. I could cope with the dc on my own, my parents would help, he on the other hand wouldn’t cope and his dad is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Not that I’m thinking about that.

Plans for today. Dm is coming up to help me for the morning. Ds and I are going to do some baking.

I want to move some pebbles from our front garden to the back to make a border round our bean teepee - started it see pic. And want to get some grow bags for my tomato plants - so a trip to garden centre needed maybe.

Ds and I are going to make an orange drizzle cake, some cheese and brocoli scones and some banana flapjacks.

em
There was a thread on here about a similar situation where the DH became ill or hurt himself whenever he was required to step up.
FWIW I think stress/emotional distress often manifests itself physically when that person cant say "Im upset/ anxious/stressed as physical symptoms are seen as more acceptable in some families and he gets all the sympathy, you feel you cant tackle him as hes unwell.

However I do think he is bottling up his feelings and then coming out with a whole list of your percieved "faults" to relieve them which is the "blame game" and gaslighting.
I remember before you said he accused you of being lazy if you took a nap even.
The balance of home/work is uneven and he needs to step up and get some therapy to find out why he behaves like this.
I suspect your FIL/ his up bringing is at the heart of it.
Have you thought about a thread in Relationships?
Be forewarned though, they will tell you things that might be uñcomfortable to hear.

We are allowed another family in our garden from today so my brother’s family might come over. They would have to use our toilet though but I don’t see that as a major risk.

In fairness to your dh em doesn’t he normally do most of the shopping and cooking? I think you are both bound to be missing the support you normally get from your mum and dad so I’m really glad your mum is coming over today. When my dc were small I’d have been lost without my mums help.

Em can you share your banana flapjack recipe please. I'm mown out with bloody bananas

Good news for us today - housing association have agreed to a stair rail being fitted for DH. We just have to decide when we are happy to have workers in, so no pressure to have it straight away which is nice :) they’ll then look at bathroom adaptations as well

mango I am sooooo not mentally ready for a relationships thread!!!! 😂

wolf it’s the joe wicks wean in 15 one. A friend made it for her little one. Thought I’d give it a try!

Wolf. Recipe attached. They smell great!

Thanks Em

mango I’m trying to remember who you were before the name change!!

You’re right in that fil/his upbringing probably has a massive part to play. Fil prides himself on never changing a nappy. Dh is one of three. Cleaning etc is woman’s work.

To be fair to dh (as born said) he does usually do all the food shopping and all the cooking. He is an excellent cook. Can literally make something delicious from seemingly nothing. And he is usually supér with the kids. He’s essentially said Fil was a crap dad and he wants to be the exact opposite.

It’s just occasionally, probably when he’s tired/stressed he just shuts down. Which leaves me picking up the pieces on top of everything else and this is where I feel it’s unfair.

This morning I’ve been to boots and have picked up some Epsom salts for him. He’s had a long bath and has taken some ibruprofen. He seems to be ok ish now. Is up and about and is taking it easy. No picking up the kiddos etc.

I’m off to the garden centre once the kids are napping. I need to get out.

I think fundamentally em, and sorry if this is out of orders, the question is are you happy with DH and living like this.
You say he does lots of good stuff too which I don't doubt. He seems a man of extremes.
You have had a tough patch with lock down, illness and what not. This has brought out his dickish side.
This appears to repeat but we could hear more of it being a safe space for you to vent.

Does the good outweigh the want to bury him in the garden coffin?

I had similar thoughts about my DH couple of weeks ago as I felt disrespected. For me the good is more than enough.

((((Hugs))))

I'm not saying you should minimise or make excuses but as a strong independent woman is the balance of good v shit tipping the right way?

life excellent question. Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently if I’m honest.

The simple answer is yes. The good by far outweighs the bad.

This is a stressful time for everyone. So it hasn’t helped that he’s been ill and now this with his back. We’re both exhausted. And both feeling like we’re missing out on various things.

Fair enough em. That's good enough for me iykwim. It's so intense at the minute and illness just exacerbated it