Relative still shielding from covid

[Worriedabouttheworried]

Without wanting to give away too many specifics I have a relative (early 40s) who is still shielding from covid. This means not going anywhere apart from an occasional walk to the park, and does not include meeting people in the park as this is seen as too risky (they don't have a garden). They live with someone who feels the same, and have built a shared narrative, where, it seems to me, they feed into each other's anxieties and justifications about why this is a reasonable choice. Perhaps it is a reasonable choice and I am being unreasonable.

They both work from home, but on short term contracts, so there's a worry about getting ill and the financial insecurity that may bring. They also have pretty bad asthma. The one time they did step out of their comfort zone they unluckily caught covid, and were pretty ill (needing steroids from GP but not hospitalisation). This has definitely increased the risk perception and magnified the justification that they are doing the right thing.

I'm so concerned about their mental health and the long term trajectory of this. I realise it's their life to lead, and really it's got nothing to do with me, but I care about them and cannot see an end to this way of life for them. There's talk of eg 'when I get another booster I might feel more comfortable', but after the booster or whatever there's always another reason not to change anything. They talk about being prepared to live like this for years if necessary.

It's such a difficult thing to be on the sidelines of. I really feel they'd benefit from talking to a counsellor (via zoom) but don't think they'd do it if I suggested it. They already perceive me as belittling their choices (because I've tried to raise it, which makes them very defensive) and possibly as acting irresponsibly by going out and about.

Has anyone been through similar? Does anyone have any recommendations for online counsellors who might specialise in this, or other advice? For those of you who are GPs etc what do you suggest when you encounter this?

I'm trying to just step back but feel like their reasoning has become so skewed. Maybe I'm the one who needs to talk to a counsellor about this to find a way to cope with the potentially unchangeable.

Should also add they've never been on any shielding list or officially classed as vulnerable as far as I know.

There is nothing you can do except pass it on to social services. They are adults making decisions. You will drag yourself down if you continue to take such responsibility.

Some things in life require you to put yourself first. There is nothing wrong with doing that.

At this point, they're suffering from agoraphobia, not 'shielding'.

Sorry, posted too soon and meant to add, seek advice on helping people with agoraphobia.

I agree this isn’t shielding. I was ECV and shielded. I’m fully vaccinated and back to doing normal activities.

Other posters are right. This is a mental health condition. I’d look for advice for this. One of the legacies of Covid policy unfortunately.
Could you speak to then with other family members. I would also be offering to meet in person - distanced and outside if necessary and reducing online contact but still texting eg WhatsApp .
Only they can change their behavior

Do they prefer to live this way? It doesn’t sound at all healthy but it’s not inconceivable that anyone still living like this just prefers it?

I know a couple in their mid thirties doing this, although I am not related. They are totally enabled by the Covid narrative.

Nobody can work out how to address the issue and they rebuff all attempts from friends and family.

Leave them alone. Live your life the way you want to and let them do the same. Just because someone has different views about how to live and what they want to do doesn't make them mentally ill.

Some people just like living on a remote farm or island with no other people. But living in a city maybe finances can’t help that and maybe Covid has given them the permission to live as they feel?
The person who said refer to SS, for what? No one is being neglected and both partners are in agreement. If they lived this way on a Scottish island you’d think they were eccentric but leave them to it.
oh and some people medically had to live this way pre Covid, but I see they weren’t officially shielding anyway, but just a FYI.

The one time they did step out of their comfort zone they unluckily caught covid, and were pretty ill (needing steroids from GP but not hospitalisation). This has definitely increased the risk perception and magnified the justification that they are doing the right thing.

So they are justified in shielding - as am I and at least one other person (severe asthma) close to me. It is their free choice not to support the happy, happy, joy, joy completely deluded 'the virus has gone away so we can celebrate with mass consumerism' narrative.

You are judgemental and a busy body.

So people think you are mentally ill and need reporting to social services because you dont want to socialise in the cold damp winter months, suffer badly with asthma, have been unwell with covid before, and dont want to become ill again and potentially lose your job, maybe offering support and empathy would be more help.

Someone I know who's in their early 50's and lives with their mother (70's) hasn't left the house since March 2020.

They both suffer from anxiety but no physical conditions that would make them vulnerable, and admittedly they didn't go out much before but I'd see them walking round town/shopping etc.

Now they go nowhere. House is all shut up, never seem to have the windows open, get food delivered, live on benefits.

Did you live this way before Covid? What did you do about all the other respiratory illnesses you are vulnerable to?

It's entirely up to them. I'm not socialising indoors, and WFH. When it's warmer I will go out more for drinks outside etc. and I'm still wearing an FFP2 mask
People get very worked up about this but it's not their health or money they're risking

@YetAnotherSpartacus
Wooooaaah!!!!! No the OP is not a busy body or judgemental. She is a worried caring family member. Unless you were officially, medically told to shield ( which the weren't) then there is no reason for them to shield, to continue to do so for 'no reason' means that there may be MH issues involved. Are you the OP's family member? If not, perhaps you should give your GP a call? Health anxiety is a real thing

I think it’s incredibly difficult to move forward from the fear when you’ve been living a life that’s enabled you to continue to ‘shield’ from covid and the risks are magnified out of proportion.

I struggled hugely with this and circumstances enabled me to continue to live a very limited life for quite sometime which just served to make me feel more fearful of normality.

I say this as someone in my 30s with no health conditions other than anxiety. Start from a place of empathy as it’s an awful place to be but it’ll feel very real to them. Encourage cbt therapy to help them to adapt and find a new normal but accept that even if they are open to this it’ll be baby steps to begin with.

I wanted to change for my family and accessed therapy, it’s taken a long time and it’s been a very slow journey but I’m now back to living a normal life again, the only things I’d currently avoid are ill people and very crowded gigs etc but I’m loving life again and the freedom that I have back.

It was fear and anxiety that held me back and while that looks very simplistic from the outside it’s very real to anyone who is struggling and complex to tackle, you are far more likely to be able to help by supporting and taking the time to understand. Be aware that progress to begin with will be very small things. It’s taken me several years of therapy to get back to going out for dinner and doing the things I love. The biggest change for me was getting back to a job that required that I met with people and realising that I’d magnified the risks of small interactions.

This with bells on

Covid has not gone away, and still poses a severe risk to those with some types of pre-existing conditions.

There are somewhere between 0.5 to 1.5m people still advised to shield for medical reasons.

I am at high risk, but I'm vaccinated and know the virus is now much less virulent so I'm doing most things I used to, although probably more shopping on line (but that is really convenient!) But I get a bit freaked if I find myself in a really crowded place, and fairly rapidly extricate myself. Don't use a mask, but I do still use hand sanitiser after handling things in public places, I hadn't thought about all the bugs we pick up like that from dozens of grimy hands previously on things, so think that is a good habit to continue.

I think people should be allowed to live how they want to, whether that’s due to covid worry or not.
Are they happy living this way? Because if they are, then it is absolutely nothing to do with you.
If they aren’t happy then, and only then, maybe you could try and help them to access some medical support - anxiety meds/counselling. But that only means if THEY are unhappy, not if their choice is making YOU unhappy.

Have you spoken to them about it at all?

It sounds like you're grieving the loss of their company - have you said that to them?

I think they enjoy it for the most part, but they had an active social life before covid, so this is quite a change in behaviour.

@YetAnotherSpartacus this is exactly the kind of defensive response I anticipate with my relative. It makes a discussion pretty much impossible. Justified is a very subjective term here, and a look at the actual risk versus the actual and potential harms doesn't lead me to think it is justified. They, and you, disagree, which is fine but I am still worried about their mental health.

@Hartlebury you've hit the nail on the head here of why I think this behaviour isn't rational. They did all sorts before covid without worrying about flu and other illnesses beyond getting vaccinated and avoiding people they knew had it. It seems to be a covid specific anxiety. Perhaps it's given as a 'reasonable explanation' to justify an underlying agoraphobia, or perhaps it's really just about covid. I don't think I'll be able to discern that.

Surely its up to them how they live their lives? Maybe they like living like this.
I'm still shielding and my husband alongside me. I have blood cancer (along with lots of autoimmune conditions) which puts me in the 500k most vulnerable in the country. I've had 6 vaccinations but blood test show that I haven't developed any antibodies .
I'm too young to die from something that I can avoid

Thank you, this is a really useful perspective. Well done to you for overcoming it.