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Original poster

Massive family fallouts over covid

203 replies

mywombisfittoburst · 19/10/2021 23:25

My DM and step father went a bit crazy over Covid last year. Very very OTT, very judgey about anyone "breaking the rules" and both live in fear of catching it, seemingly convinced that if they do they will die.

DS is 14 and doesn't want to be vaccinated. I respect his decision. My DM is going crackers about it. Calling me up, ranting at me that I need to change his mind, trying to emotionally blackmail him - eg "what if he gives to me or DGP and one of us dies" "doesn't he care" "he won't be able to come for Xmas" and so on.

We're basically being made to feel like shit about this and I don't know how to deal with it Sad

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 19/10/2021 23:28

Has your DS been seeing your DM anyway? If so, then how is he suddenly a danger for not being vaccinated?
And if she has had bother jabs (and even booster), does she not trust them to work?

Chloemol · 19/10/2021 23:29

Let them rant. It’s his choice

If that means none of you see your DM for Christmas that’s her problem, not yours

Kiduknot · 19/10/2021 23:30

They both need to respect each other’s decisions.

Dm has the right to avoid your family, but she doesn’t have the right to rant endlessly.

RedToothBrush · 19/10/2021 23:50

"Consent is only valid if its given freely and not under duress or coercision."

"What am I teaching my kids if I don't teach them about the right to say no and that medical ethics are founded on the principle of consent?"

"If you have a problem with that, its unfortunate, but you are going to have to deal with it. I will not emotionally blackmail my child. Perhaps you should see the GP about your health anxiety issues from covid. Maybe you'll be able to get some councilling for it. We will see you when you find that grip you've lost"

Tilt head. Or hang up.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 19/10/2021 23:56

Your Mum and SF need to get a hold of themselves pronto. Having said said, the way things seem to be going I can see a lot more of this ridiculous behaviour in the weeks ahead....

louisa92 · 19/10/2021 23:59

That's a horrible situation, I really feel for you. The government & media have wreaked absolute misery with their demonising messaging.

Would you and your son be happy for him to test before he sees grandparents as a compromise?

CodeMode · 20/10/2021 00:09

‘Looks like you won’t be seeing us then,’ would be my one and only reply.

They’ve made their choice on how they want to live, you and your son are entitled to do the same.

Kokeshi123 · 20/10/2021 00:17

I'd just say "He's actually had COVID anyway, so is already immune" and then drop the subject. Given that it's said to be near-certain that all the kids will have had it by the end of the winter, it's not really much of a lie.

They'll get bored sooner or later and find something else to obsess about.

Siriisatwat · 20/10/2021 01:07

Honestly, I’d just tell her to shut up.

But I’ve got no time for people who act like that, no matter who they are.

MrsEricBana · 20/10/2021 01:26

Conversely, as someone who is double jabbed yet has just been very unwell with covid but not hospitalised, I see her point.

TreborBore · 20/10/2021 01:46

I understand your irritation but you sound judgmental OP. You can equip your son with the skills to make an informed judgement on whether to have the vaccine but otherwise I would stand back.

Nancydrawn · 20/10/2021 02:24

Your mother is allowed to make her own rules. She can say that she will only mix indoors socially with people who have been vaccinated. And you have to respect those rules. You seem to be judging her for being cautious, which isn't fair.

She's also, frankly, allowed to be disappointed in your son for making the decision that he has, a decision that's going to have an impact on her life.

That said, she doesn't get to rant about it endlessly. She also doesn't get to try to put emotional pressure on him--just a simple, "we can't see you until you're vaccinated, and I'm disappointed that you've chosen your fear of the vaccine over seeing us." But that's it. She doesn't get to rant, get to put additional pressure, get to try to shift things. She complain about things to her friends as much as she needs to, but not to you or to him.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 03:03

Your problem is you for continuing to listen to her nonsense. Tell her once that this conversation is over, the topic is closed, and if she brings it up again, you're hanging up.

Pixxie7 · 20/10/2021 03:27

Presumably you know why’s she doesn’t want the vaccine?

PurpleOkapi · 20/10/2021 03:39

If she doesn't want to see your or your DS, that's unfortunate, but she doesn't have to. This can't be a new problem - vaccines were only recently allowed for his age group, so I imagine she didn't see much of him before that, either. If he doesn't try to guilt-trip her into seeing him in spite of the risks and her fears, then she owes him the same respect. (And if it he does, tell him to stop it. But at 14, he has a much better excuse than she does.)

3asAbird · 20/10/2021 05:33

I would choose not to see them for a while op.

Sounds tricky. I respect my kids make their own decisions although they were quite keen to have the jab.

Theres so much negativity around the vaccination with anti vaxers outside schools.

NewIdeasToday · 20/10/2021 05:36

Why doesn’t he just get the vaccination? The virus can do long term damage even to kids and teenagers.

Original poster
mywombisfittoburst · 20/10/2021 06:57

He doesn't want the vaccination because to his mind plenty of his friends have had it and have been fine, whereas he's not convinced about the long term proof of the effect of the vaccine on growing bodies. He won't enter into further discussion about it and I can't force him to.

DM has been seeing him until now but she is also being panicked by the news - "Covid cases are so bad in your area" "my friend's cousin says the ICU is full" etc. She's not worried about him catching it, she's worried about him giving it to her/her husband/my DGP.

I think you're right and I'll just have to advise them that if they want to stay away over winter then that's their prerogative.

OP posts:
confuseddotcom090 · 20/10/2021 07:01

Does she know the vaccine doesn't stop you getting or transmitting it?
For those that had it more than a few weeks ago, you are MORE likely to be infected (UK government data), so what's her thought process?

Lullaby88 · 20/10/2021 07:11

I understand her anxieties as if she's in an older age bracket there is a higher chance of her being hospitalised vaccinated or not. I know few people who were double jabbed and who got really sick and someone in my area unfortunately passed away even after being double jabbed it might have been a rare case but it can happen. He might have had underlying health issues though don't really know if there was more to it. But it shocked the community.
Ur son has a right to refuse the vaccine also as it's his body and his decision.
So ul have to respect and empathise in this situation. Its just a very sad situation.
What if u all had a PCR test before u visited at Xmas would that reassure ur Mum?

moregarlic · 20/10/2021 07:12

She does know the vaccine doesn’t stop transmission, right?

I can’t believe what covid (or more accurately the governments response and weaponising of fear) has done to so many people.

Dozer · 20/10/2021 07:16

Wouldn’t entertain any further discussion with her on this subject, at all, and would make it clear to her that she is not to discuss it with DS. Would also advise DS on assertiveness, eg ‘broken record’ if you think she will nonetheless continue to bring up the subject when she’s alone with him.

If she decides not to see DS or spend time with your whole family due to her concerns, that’s her choice, if she decides to continue to see him she should shut up about this issue.

Cindi85 · 20/10/2021 07:17

I am very pro-vaccination but we have to respect each other's decisions. Your parents will come into contact with non-vaccinated people in the course of their lives without knowing it. They are vaccinated, that is all they can control. Sorry you are in this difficult situation, but I would just repeat this stance until they find something else to flap about.

Bromeliad · 20/10/2021 07:18

The vaccine does partially stop transmission. I wish people would stop saying it doesn't. The problem at fist was that they don't know by how much not that they didn't think it would at all. People got the wrong end of the stick and now quote this nonsense all the time.

It's not clear how effective it is against Delta transmission but again it definitely stops some transmission.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 20/10/2021 07:23

@Nancydrawn

Your mother is allowed to make her own rules. She can say that she will only mix indoors socially with people who have been vaccinated. And you have to respect those rules. You seem to be judging her for being cautious, which isn't fair.

She's also, frankly, allowed to be disappointed in your son for making the decision that he has, a decision that's going to have an impact on her life.

That said, she doesn't get to rant about it endlessly. She also doesn't get to try to put emotional pressure on him--just a simple, "we can't see you until you're vaccinated, and I'm disappointed that you've chosen your fear of the vaccine over seeing us." But that's it. She doesn't get to rant, get to put additional pressure, get to try to shift things. She complain about things to her friends as much as she needs to, but not to you or to him.

Ridiculous! Fear of the vaccine? She’s ok to do what she wants and they are supposed to understand but not the afforded the same bodily autonomy? And you think she should be able to emotionally blackmail a 14 yr old?
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