I can't take this anymore

[anonymous229]

I just don't have the energy for anything. Today has been cold, grey and miserable and there's nowhere to fucking go because everywhere is closed. Yes there's the local park but I've been there about 500 times since March and I'm bored sick of it.

How much longer can they keep us in this fucking awful state? I've had enough, I'm drained, I'm depressed as hell.

We've sacrificed so damn much for a virus that kills about 1% of people who catch it. I know that sounds callous but I'm facing the loss of my job (I'm self employed in events - ha!) and potentially my home because of this. The toll it's taken on my mental health is disastrous, but I feel like me and my family (and other families like us) are just collateral in all of this.

I know people will probably say things like we're lucky to be alive, but I don't feel lucky.

I can't live like this any longer.

I'm with you. The one saving grace for this lockdown was that the schools are still open (i work in a school) so at least I could get out of the house. However, during half term my husband tested positive so I had to work from home the first week and a half of this term. I did one and a half days back in school and then the school closed. So I'm stuck at home again.
I'm done with it all. Ive turned into the absolute worst version of myself. I have zero patience and snap at everyone. So then I have to add feeling guilty to the medley of shitty feelings I have all day every day.
I didn't want to get out bed this morning because I just couldn't face another day of this. I had to though, the toddler demanded breakfast. I forced myself to pop to Argos for some things I collected. Then we went to b and q to look at the Christmas decorations and then to a couple of garden centres and then to costa. I felt so much better having done that.
I got home and pretty much instantly felt shit again, but it was a lovely couple of hours grace.
It's like walking around with a bloody dementor on my shoulder.
You honestly have my sympathy op. To feel like this and have a new baby and money worries too, must be such a daily struggle.

I'm considering retraining in something else just in the hope of getting some security back, but that could take several years!! What am I meant to do in the meantime?

Are there any other GPs in the practice? If not, can you look into changing to a different surgery? You need to be able to discuss this with them. Of course everything you describe is perfectly valid and may not be PND, but I agree with the pp that it needs to be considered.

You have had such a shit, stressful year, no wonder you are feeling this way. It is just awful. It won't be forever though. Perhaps you can start looking for jobs in other sectors, just see whats out there? Just until your business is able to open again. It might actually help you anyway to return to work (after your maternity leave of course!).

I think you need to stop seeing yourself as 'collateral' though as that is probably fueling your negative thoughts. Literally everyone is in the same boat and believe me, many many people are seriously unwell with this virus. It definitely isn't 'only' about deaths!

It is awful. It is depressing...I agree with you. So many people struggling. The whole siutation so unnecessary...I have no solutions but empathy.

You sound really very pissed off OP, it's understandable, it's just shit. Losing your job/business/income is awful and so stressful. I don't have any answers for you sadly, but I get it and I feel for you. I really hope that this will be over soon and your business flourishes once more OP.

I didn't want to get out bed this morning because I just couldn't face another day of this. I had to though, the toddler demanded breakfast.

It's good having the DC in a way, because there's a reason to get out of bed everyday. But on the other hand it's fucking relentless and a big part of me just wants to lie in bed and cry.

@Northernsoullover

Speak to your GP. They might be able to help. Its around 3-4% fatality rate though. I'm utterly miserable with it too. I totally get why we can't mix unchecked though.

It really really is NOT a 3-4% mortality rate.

The case fatality rate was 1.5% in August
Reference: www.cebm.net/covid-19/the-declining-case-fatality-ratio-in-england/ and is 3.7 now (see photo).

This is the case fatality rate so only includes those who had positive tests. So it doesnt include anyone asymptomatic or with symptoms so mild they don't get tested. It is not a good measure of the actual mortality rate.

The infection fatality rate is around 1% this country.
Reference: www.imperial.ac.uk/news/207273/covid-19-deaths-infection-fatality-ratio-about/

The deaths are heavily weighted towards the elderly, meaning infection fatality rate is lower in countries with a younger population.

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm? I don't 'get' the obsession with going out. Of course we need fresh air and a degree of exercise but it is lovely being indoors too, doing your own thing or doing nothing, sitting in your dressing gown all day if you want.

If you have children you can camp on the floor in the living room.

If you are on your own - what's the problem?

OP it must be so so hard doing this with a new baby. Maternity leave is a good time to go out and do things so you are quite right to feel cheated of this.
If this feeling continues I’d maybe seek some more support as it may tip into PND.
Take care and don’t feel you have to keep a stiff upper lip because other people might “have it worse”.

@jessstan1

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm? I don't 'get' the obsession with going out. Of course we need fresh air and a degree of exercise but it is lovely being indoors too, doing your own thing or doing nothing, sitting in your dressing gown all day if you want.

If you have children you can camp on the floor in the living room.

If you are on your own - what's the problem?

I've been inside all week. Its mental cruelty

I am completely with you. Family all locked down in other cities. Walking the dog on the same muddy track day after day.

I can see no end in sight. And I feel very guilty to have had dcs because the world seems poisoned and wrecked and greedy and unsustainable.

I think you need to stop seeing yourself as 'collateral' though as that is probably fueling your negative thoughts. Literally everyone is in the same boat and believe me, many many people are seriously unwell with this virus. It definitely isn't 'only' about deaths!

I can't help it though - I know this is shit for everyone, but I do think it's easier for some than others. I was chatting to a friend the other day for example, who said she's actually really enjoying lockdown and just getting to spend quality time at home with the family, doing crafts and baking and whatnot. She doesn't know what I'm going through to be fair - if she did she wouldn't have been so insensitive. But it does make me feel like we're really not all in the same boat!

@outofthemoon

I am completely with you. Family all locked down in other cities. Walking the dog on the same muddy track day after day.

I can see no end in sight. And I feel very guilty to have had dcs because the world seems poisoned and wrecked and greedy and unsustainable.

I can't see an end either they are saying even with vaccine still have to have restrictions wtf

op, do you have a local garden centre with xmas decorations you could visit with your baby. its a change of scenery and isnt outdoors. I know it won't fix this for you but may help a little.

@jessstan1

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm? I don't 'get' the obsession with going out. Of course we need fresh air and a degree of exercise but it is lovely being indoors too, doing your own thing or doing nothing, sitting in your dressing gown all day if you want.

If you have children you can camp on the floor in the living room.

If you are on your own - what's the problem?

Yes, it's lovely to do those things once in a while. Not every bloody day. I used to really look forward to a nice pj day with the kids. I can't imagine ever looking forward to one again!

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm?

What, for a month? Sorry but you just don't get it.

@anonymous229

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm?

What, for a month? Sorry but you just don't get it.

I agree with you they don't

I agree OP, I know so many people who are really suffering from the lockdown, trying to deal with elderly parents with dementia,, having medical treatment delayed, losing their businesses that they have put everything into.

The sanctimonious twats who are sneering and condemning people as selfish granny murderers because they dare to complain are making things worse, and they seem to be enjoying it!

It's like Covid is the only game in town and everything (and everyone) else can get fucked.

op, do you have a local garden centre with xmas decorations you could visit with your baby. its a change of scenery and isnt outdoors. I know it won't fix this for you but may help a little.

I do but I'll probably have to queue for a fucking hour to get in.

they are saying even with vaccine still have to have restrictions wtf

Oh God - I haven't heard that before. Please tell me that's not the case.

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm? I don't 'get' the obsession with going out. Of course we need fresh air and a degree of exercise but it is lovely being indoors too, doing your own thing or doing nothing, sitting in your dressing gown all day if you want.

If you have children you can camp on the floor in the living room.

If you are on your own - what's the problem?

FFS really. how is this comment vaguely helpful? who the hell camps out in their living room.... Jesus fucking wept!!!

losing their businesses that they have put everything into.

Yes, it's completely and utterly soul destroying. I just don't have the energy to start again.

I get you. A windswept park, a vile mudbath of a country ramble filled with bobble hats and grunting runners....its shit absolute shit.

We were meant to go horse racing today. Oh well.
Went out to cafe for bacon sandwich (not been out all week, wfh and by time finish, dark so can't go anywhere, CBa going for another walk at lunch
Not allowed in cafe, bought takeaway breakfast ate in pouring rain
Walk, in pouring rain
Home, soaked through,
Great this, isn't it

OP I totally get it. Also had a baby in lockdown and have another dd who is 4. Some days I wake up and hear the rain and cry before I even get out of bed because I’ve run out of ideas to fill the day.
I live in a beautiful area by the sea. But there are no toilets open and it’s now too cold to feed the baby outside. Also, no matter how beautiful it is, I’ve done the same thing every day.
What you said about feeling guilty for bringing a child into this situation really resonated with me. I love my children, but my youngest hasn’t even met my whole family let alone other babies. My mat leave is boring to the point where I consider going back to work early. And I hate myself for considering that.

I agree with you. Enough already! We have to get back to normality