Smelly drains,STD soldier but no Clap

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

Just in case we have more crimes,murders and general mischief to confess to.

Please leave your shoes at the door, have a Dettol wash and then stand awkwardly while not consuming any perishables.

Ironic smiles and head tilts are ALOUD but absolutely no laughter,fun or enjoying yourselves.

Disinfectant and disposable whips will be provided.

I have been told I am “not a very nice person”. Apparently I am now personally responsible for every Covid case in America...

Wow that IS impressive even by the crazies on here!. How did yo do that?

It was on a knitting website...knitters are apparently high strung...(yes pun intended...better laugh now...the jokes won’t be getting any better.

@PrincessConsueIa ouch yeah I can't run to that price unfortunately! Yeah I was on the phone to Argos for an hour on Thursday and they said the warehouse for my area was due a delivery of trampolines today at 10am. Alas that wasn't true. I've been on the site every hour refreshing and there is stock just not delivering to my postcode. Meh.

My ex thinks covid doesn't exist and he's already had it anyway and is definitely immune and lockdown is my fault and he's still visiting friends because someone else's granny dying isn't his problem. It's like talking to a moron (even more than normal) so I've blocked him and I don't care. He FaceTimes DD on her tablet after I said no fuck off to visiting if that's your stupid attitude (he's flakey anyway it's hit and miss he just turns up as and when the fancy takes him, perhaps an hour or two sat in my living room every couple of weeks or a trip to mcds) and I really don't care if I'm the worst person on Earth, he's not playing Russian roulette with our health.

Apologies for my absence but further to the recent ‘I’ve had an Amazon book delivered how long should it be quarantined for in the garage’ thread in AIBU I have been working on a multiple choice maths problem.

Mr X buys a newspaper on Friday, wearing obligatory gloves and mask, he returns with the newspaper, removes all clothing at the front door, showers in bleach, picks up newspaper and has a choice to make:

A. Place the newspaper in the garage in a lead lined box and leave it for 72 hours, at which point all news will be out of date.

B. Thoroughly bleach every page of the newspaper thereby making it illegible

C. Read the paper outside in the garden in a fenced off area wearing full hazmat gear, oven gloves, wash hands after turning each page and shower in bleach for the second time once the paper is finished.

D. Stay home and eat chocolate.

I confess to buying plants from B&Q today and also hand delivering an Easter egg to a friend, and I’m ashamed to say we had a conversation at opposite ends of the drive and at one point we both laughed.

Boob cream?

Getting irritated with “not Londoners” saying London should be locked down further.

I could do some much needed painting but I have no DIY click and collect open near me.

PS even had a non London friend saying it’s right the police should move you on if you stop to look at flowers in the park.

I read about the first twenty posts of that new book thread before I realised nobody was joking and I backed away slooooooowly......

@HalfDutchGirl

picks up newspaper

Since he's naked and bare handed (you didn't mention putting clothes back on or gloves) he can just resign to his fate and wait to die while reading the paper. That'll learn him!

Speaking of dementors... what would your Patronus be?

In normal times I would've said a cat or platypus, it must be toilet paper shaped now.

P.S. If you don't know what a Patronus is considered yourself banned and exiled to the land of froth and pitchforks.

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock you are so right, he is doomed from the word go, stupid man!

@MutteringDarkly so pleased it wasn’t just me!

@MutteringDarkly

It’s a good thing you did back out of that one, you’d be stuck in the garage with the books for 72 hours otherwise.

I was 😳 at the idea of spraying dettol on a book.

I couldn’t sleep so I’ve just murdered several thousand vulnerable people by getting a Tesco delivery slot for my 88 year old parents - who despite being old (shock horror) don’t want to live on spam and will probably fill their online basket with all manner of non essentials including medicinal whisky. Once I was on the site, I realised they had slots for my post code as well (parents live 300 miles away), so I have a slot too. I’m a selfish murdering bitch, but in my defence, I do have a vulnerable DD home with us for the duration.

I'm so glad I found this thread. Just read the amazon book situation in disbelief, if that op can no longer get a delivery I'm assuming either her or her DH will be sleeping in the garage for 72 hours upon their return from the shops Seriously though, I used to have OCD and I'm finding it so bizarre reading about everyone's routines as though it's now normal to be in tears about forgetting to perform some sort of ritual on bottle of milk before it can enter the house.

“ Someone went as far to say people in flats shouldn't play music either, or only with headphones or something. Why is it MNetters sole ambition to make everyone as miserable as possible!”

Living in flats is pretty miserable, I love my music but am very careful not to disturb anyone.

Lol at “ritual over a bottle of milk”.

I really think we can open up now, people are too scared so I’ll have to go out and be a lyrical gangster (murderer) so they’ve got people to blame 😂

My 82 year old mother will be like a machine gun in the supermarket tomorrow.

I do understand that a lot of this ritual cleaning behaviour is a way of having some control in a truly awful situation. And although I keep going at people posting this stuff online, I suppose my misery does love company, (spell check corrected that to “sexy loves company”, which is also true).

But I can’t, for the life of me, summon much sympathy for the Mrs Grundys of the crisis - I fear they are enjoying it all too much.

Can I join? I keep being told off for not wanting my allotment to turn into a weed covered dust bowl on other threads. Apparently me trying to work out if a quarter acre allotment is subject to agricultural or exercise rules is going to bring the end of civilisation.

Also, in the spirit of confession, DH added 3 bottles of gin to the twice weekly shop so that I could make rhubarb gin.

Not sure which is the worse sin, the gin or shopping twice a week. We are currently a house of 6 adults and he physically can't get all the shopping in one trolley.

Morning evildoers!

My guitar is arriving today! I'm thinking of doing an AIBU to ask how to quarantine/clean it. Bathe it in bleach? Scrub with wire wool? Leave it outside for a fortnight? I don't have a garage or any outdoor space being in a fourth floor flat so it'd have to be on the communal front doorstep where the local kids play football etc. So of course it may catch plague from them or a passing pigeon. What to do?

Of course if I hadn't been such a selfish murdering psycho I wouldn't have to worry about things like this would I

@GnomeDePlume you can repent by turning the gin into hand sanitiser and distributing it among the needy in your neighbourhood (while maintaining social distancing and wearing a full hazmat suit obvs). Otherwise it's straight to hell for you I'm afraid.

Morning all. My killing spree will be resumed today.
Stupidly excited because I'm getting an Argos delivery today, It's only stuff for DD but there will be packages to open!! Hazmat suited and booted ofc.

@GnomeDePlume I'm sure allotments are still allowed . Even Gove said so.

@QuimJongUn have you considered putting your guitar in the freezer? Where there's a will,there's a way. You can do this!

@Smilethoyourheartisbreaking bras? Really? If you really cares about this country and the angles in blue you'd use cling film. If you need such frivolities as "pretty" you could always add some drawings on them with sharpies. Murderous harlot!