Smelly drains,STD soldier but no Clap

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

Just in case we have more crimes,murders and general mischief to confess to.

Please leave your shoes at the door, have a Dettol wash and then stand awkwardly while not consuming any perishables.

Ironic smiles and head tilts are ALOUD but absolutely no laughter,fun or enjoying yourselves.

Disinfectant and disposable whips will be provided.

@LalalalalaLlama finally some sense!

Thanks everyone.

I used to volunteer in a library. I felt useful in a different way than looking after my DC. It was something I could do that was mine. But can't do that now.

I will be all right. I have my needlepoint and a lovely family including the black and white kitty curled up on my legs.

And I have you lot even if I don't post much. Wish we could all have a street party together. I bet we could all have conversations where we could even disagree civilly with each other.

@ISaySteadyOn you MUST post kitty pictures. It's a requirement,even more so than bum bleaching.

Is there other volunteering you could do? Like delivering meals/medicine , keeping in touch with people that live alone etc?

Best kitty here. I will be fine. I have 3 children to civilise and educate and that's useful. I just had a brief wobble which is over now. You all really helped. Thanks.

ISay that is a very lovely kitty, anyone who says they don't wobble at the moment is lying. Good luck with the civilising 😁.

ISay glad you are feeling a bit better. Wobbling is totally nromal under the circumstances. I have periodic wobbles. yesterday was a bit of a wobble day for me - gin and frolicking in the garden yeterday evening helped Kitty is lovely and will also help Im sure.

right, I have semi tidied the lounge and bunged a load of washing on.
have cheered myself up messaging my sister who has made me laugh cause she was telling me about deliveries that keep turning up for her of things she's forgotten she ordered when drunk! (she would love this thread I feel, might point her in this driection!)

off to soak in a lovely bath for a bit, with a bath bomb. Which will no doubt cause a fiar few deaths somehow.(unless maybe I save the water afterwards to purify and cook with?)

Under His Eye

lama that is brill

Just so long as none of you buy birthday cards online.

I’ve come to think the entire carry-on over what constitutes essentials is akin to going out in clean underpants in case you’re in an accident.

Obviously it’s nobler to die horribly after buying a basket of gruel, hard rusks, powdered milk and tins of spam, than to perish for the sake of a packet of salt and vinegar crisps, a large KitKat and cask wine.

Like the difference between dying a hero on the ramparts and falling off a cliff taking a selfie.

“She was a proper hero”, they’ll say. “She came back from the supermarket feeling poorly, and after she died they found her trolley was full of essentials. We did a whip-round and made up a nice bunch of dandelions for the funeral.”

“Not like that hussy down the street”, they’ll say grimly, “Her basket was full of gin and nail polish. Her poor husband, he couldn’t hardly look you in the eye for shame”.

I have had 3 zoom parties in a row, the state I am in cannot really be described as hungover anymore. Plus I have another Zoom party tonight with possibly my most alcohol friendly bunch of friends. I may be dead by this time tomorrow but at least a) I will die happy and b) it won’t have been due to corona.

In my contribution to today’s 15 minute laugh May I present this GLORIOUS video of an excellent lockdown makeup tutorial... sort of. Made me actually cry laughing, but then I’m in a slightly demented state right now so may not have quite the same effect on you lot.

Laugh you miserable sods

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock - well, that didn't go down well. I just went and completed my 15 mins of Cabinet mandated laughing. Apparently it's Just Not Done. Sent the curtain-twitchers into meltdown. And all before lunch on a Saturday. That's one day too close to the Lord's Day, I'll have you know.
Laughter. Really! How very 2019.

On another note, I will be committing patricide later and also decimating the remainder of the neighbourhood, as well as Dr Hillary, as I am planning a cold drop of a power washer from my Dad, who is being 'forced to stay inside until he is dead', which are his words, btw, as he got a letter telling him to shield. He is a healthy 70 year old but had some heart issues in the '80s and now claims the government have marked him for death. Anyway, he will be sneaking out of his house on his tippytoes to leave the power washer at the end of his drive, for me to surreptitiously collect, without murdering him one bit.

I then plan to spray the cul-de-sac in virus wash the car and possibly aim it at my knockers and flap as well, as they certainly need a good hosing :)

As you were, soldiers.

Also @DancelikeEmmaGoldman I want to know where you shop that they sell wine in actual casks? Would save me a lot of trips out...

And all before lunch on a Saturday.

I'd say that went wonderfully well.

Well done my little minion of doom,well done indeed.

@Smilethoyourheartisbreaking it’s good isn’t it 😂 I’ve lost track how many times I’ve watched it. But it’s still making me laugh.

Contemplating doing my own with DS, but I’m not sure his arms could reach around me I’ve eaten so many quarantine snacky-snacks!

Do you not get wine in boxes?

ISaySteadyOn

Would it help to imagine me letting loose with my AK47? I’m sorry you’re struggling. It is horrendous. I find rage is the only way.

Hopefully the idiots washing their cereal in Dettol will get what they deserve.

The Dr Hilary thing has to be a wind up?

Dance “ She was a proper hero”, they’ll say. “She came back from the supermarket feeling poorly, and after she died they found her trolley was full of essentials. We did a whip-round and made up a nice bunch of dandelions for the funeral.”

“Not like that hussy down the street”, they’ll say grimly, “Her basket was full of gin and nail polish. Her poor husband, he couldn’t hardly look you in the eye for shame”.

——

You are all great writers, you should def get paid for publishing this!

@ISaySteadyOn so sorry you and your son are struggling . Its a horrible situation.

I am currently doing some painting using my illicitly purchased paint.

This is what lockdown has driven me too - painting woodwork. I absolutely hate decorating.

See?! Lock down drives people insane.

My morning confessions as I'm sure I will do worse later today! My son and I have just come back from the shops where we committed the following horrors:

Laughed with the cheese lady in the market about the lack of queues because its raining

Both queued for Sainsburys as separate shoppers even though we are both from the same household and technically not allowed in the shop together!

Laughed in the (short) queue with the lady in front

First item in my basket was Gin

I didn't go on the one way system as only needed gin and pasta and sugar so I skipped some aisles

Then we sniggered on the way home at the woman who literally pushed herself into a soaking wet hedge so that we passed her 6 metres away rather than 4! I know I shouldn't be harsh on people who are seriously worried but...............................

Ah beautiful kitty isay.
I have laughed myself silly today, not difficult as it happens, I wrote a shopping list for dearest DP. I'm not known for much better than a chicken scratch kind of writing style. So I'm in my murderous 1 hour bath and he comes to say "our lass does this say bull whips?
I nearly drowned with laughing, no it says baby wipes.
Still giggling 3 hours later.