Smelly drains,STD soldier but no Clap

[PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock]

Just in case we have more crimes,murders and general mischief to confess to.

Please leave your shoes at the door, have a Dettol wash and then stand awkwardly while not consuming any perishables.

Ironic smiles and head tilts are ALOUD but absolutely no laughter,fun or enjoying yourselves.

Disinfectant and disposable whips will be provided.

Love this thread.
I’ve had a bad morning, nearly swallowed the dogs tablets (they were in my mouth 😬) but maybe they would have given me a nice shiny coat. My hair is looking awful after a diy fringe chop yesterday (think Dumb & Dumber esq) and my hairy legs may look better with a nice sheen!! Alternatively I might start cocking my leg up trees and sniffing bums 🤔
Also just been out with the dog for his second walk. It really is due to his medical needs and I put my hair in a ponytail as a disguise to fool the curtain twitchers!
Just off to clean the fridge. I’m sure that means I need to drink the bottle of Prosecco taking up shelf space.
Living the dream as always (and who the f**k really dettols their shopping but saying that I think I really need to bleach the dog as one of the great unwashed stroked him at the woods, unfortunately he didn’t want to stroke my glossy legs).

@Bananabixfloof, did he think you might want him to re-enact Indiana Jones and the Supermarket of Doom?

I wondered where in the aisles of shite in aldi he was going to find whips and why he thought I needed more than one if any.
Still giggling

Little pup appears to have become a certain twitcher!

Confession time. Oh mumsnet, I have erred.

I have had an outsider in the house. To fix my boiler. I could have survived without heat or hot water for the next however many months. But I'll be honest, I didn't want to.

Isabelle, if you hadn’t got a plumber in.....I’d have had to my use AK47.

Thank goodness you did. I wasn’t a natural born killer, it was the covid hysteria wot done it.

I can't drink the alcohols now because I'm on antibiotics for a week

Will resort to making bread so at least my carb craving will be satisfied

Anyone here made beer bread? Everyone seems to be making banana bread but I have no bananas. I do, however, have beer.

I received delivery of 4 more items and I have wine being delivered next week, just in time to finish my antibiotics. Not sure what my head count is for all those very essential purchases

afternoon murderers.
crow that is rubbish news about the antibiotics. Definitely much bread and chocolate eating for the next week to make up for lack of aclohol.

well, I have basically done bugger all today. totally lacking in motivaiton.
I did have a nice long bath though, and my new dress and nail varnish has been delivered - keeping my kill count up quite respectably.

now need to find something distracting to watch I think until alcohol time......or is alcohol time already? I mean it is the weekend.....

My new cat eared fluffy fleece hoodie came and it's frikking amazing!!

As light and soft as a blanket. Well I likened it to actually wearing cat fur but DD said that was creepy. Which ofc didn't stop her from stealing it even if it's 10 times her size. At least I'm not as grumpy about the cold ,wet weather.

Part two of my confession. If my neighbours are curtain twitchers, they will be 'discusted' and, no doubt, 'fumming' at my boiler repairs because they were done...by a friend, whose van they will have seen her regularly over the years. So they'll think he was just here for a jolly. And that I am a murderer of our angles in blue.

Is it wrong that I am almost hoping to be shamed on facebook? Just so that I can reply with an 'actually...'. and maybe a wee 'judge not, lest ye be judged' for good measure.

Whomever said money can't buy happiness doesn't have one of these!
I also have cat shoes, because I'm apparently stuck at the age of 5 but hey ho.

Have just been out on my bike for two hours and may or may not have slightly cleared my throat as I went passed a scowly woman as I was going up a steepish hill 😂😂( let’s face it love, if I had IT then I wouldn’t be able to cycle up this damned hill would I? 😆😆 ) from the look of ‘discust’ on her face I suspect she is a mumsnetter and I have Murdered at least Fifty people 😂😂😂

@Maxandezra it is indeed sucky but my secret admirer good friends just sent me a big box of chocolates to ease the alcohol free week of antibiotics. Yay!

@PrincessConsueIa I would 100% wear that

Grr the words secret admirer was supposed to have a line through it. I need to wear my glasses more

crow "secret admirer friends" sounds awesome! We all should have some of them

@DancelikeEmmaGoldman yes I get boxes. Either a box of 6 or 12 bottles (a case) or the sort of box with a tap and a bag of wine inside.

But a cask of wine is a barrel type thing... I want to know where to buy that!

Contemplating baking either triple chocolate brownies or a chocolate orange cake. Which should I do?
Will probably also bake a lemon drizzle for The Nurse Next Door.

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock where did you get that, I need one!

(I actually do need something as I didn’t realise I lived in an igloo until I started working from home!)

Freakypet.com

Tbh it's slightly expensive but I just had to have it. I think I might have a discount code for friends in my inbox somewhere if anyone wants it.

Oh and here are my cat shoes. Yes I'm just bragging. Plus cats(in any form) make me happy.

@max it seems since lockdown boredom hit, some of my single male friends have suddenly realised I'm a woman. I'm not complaining, so far that's produced a delivery of wine for next week, and today a big fat box of chocolate!! I'm trying not to consider the after lockdown implications

crow yeah, I would just keep accepting the gifts for now LOL You could always move to the other end of thr country after lockdown

Painting going well, though I fear I have caused mass murder.

MIL rang to say the stairlift wasn't working, she can be very, eerm, persistent and rang all the mobiles as well. At this point the short arse that I am is balanced on a stool to reach the not very high bits, so not really in a position to answer.

I was tasked with going down, long and short of it the emergency stop had been activated. So I just said (well yelled from the hallway) that she must have caught the emergency stop button, which she firmly denied and blamed DH. So now she doesn't know what she did or what to do if it happens again so if it does I will have to go on another murdering spree.

Even worse, I stopped off at Heron foods (cheap freezer food shop) and got lots of chocolate. Was very bemused at the three older people stood in a huddle having a long conversation and blocking the aisle. I then popped into a shop to buy a birthday card, but the chap is 90 so you know, it is worth it.

Greetings my Fellow Banana Republicans,

Blessed fruit upon you all (in these troubled times) and deep obeisance to her most regal of Banana Princesses. Thank you one and all for your brave camraderie and Your majesty for your most wise and magnificent leadership (in these troubled times).

I am responsible for many deaths this afternoon. I have ventured out more than once for non essential items. The child did argue that snickers bars and white chocolate ice cream are crucial to her well being. I didn't have the energy to argue with her and any excuse to get out would have done.

We ended up taking the scenic route to the shops - don't worry, we breathed in for the duration. This entailed driving through our nearest town centre. It was like boxing day.

We both sighed at the fact that we couldn't stop at Costa for a hot beverage and a spot of people watching.

I got very emo last night (after several essential gins) and nearly popped on here to thank everyone for keeping me sane (in these troubled times). I know myself well enough to know it would have been an incoherent blubber of a post so I wisely refrained.

However, thank you and princess for starting and maintaining this thread. I feel less alone.

I'm off now to polish my AK47 and re-bleach my bum. Take care my errant comrades.

I know myself well enough to know it would have been an incoherent blubber of a post so I wisely refrained.

No need for that pink , as you can tell I lead by example so I've had my fair share of midnight rambles and rants. I mean if it's really bad we might be sending you some bull whips, but we're generally fairly understanding...or also drunk.

A bit less so lately as I can finally sleep again. Yay