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Original poster

Picking DD up - urgent

318 replies

takedphome · 02/04/2020 14:42

DD23 lives in a town 2 hours away. She has been furloughed. We really want her back for her safety. She also desperately wants to come home to us (her parents and DSis). Can her DP drive her to us? What are the risks involved? She lives with her DP.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 03/04/2020 11:09

@Nixen the signs aren't looking good for you though are they Hmm

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 03/04/2020 11:19

It is rare for someone in a long term relationship to be closer to their parents...

ArriettyJones · 03/04/2020 11:26

Given the updates I don't think the "partner" should have to do the four hour round trip to bring her back either. Talk about using the poor man. She doesn't want to be with him, isn't bothered about not going back to him, doesn't care about leaving him there on his own oh but drive for two hours there and back again to bring her home?

I think that’s fair comment. Why should he have to bear the risk of being stopped and questioned by the police about a non-essential journey?

Basically the poor chap is her cohabitee and is essentially being abandoned (dumped?) mid-lockdown, against official guidance with no regard for him or his feelings for vague undefinable reasons. Is she leaving him financially in the lurch too? Has he even had a proper explanation?

ArriettyJones · 03/04/2020 11:27

Go and fetch her yourself if you think ignoring the lockdown rules is warranted.

Sorbet18 · 03/04/2020 11:35

I don't think any of us can really comment on the daughter's mental health or relationship with the partner as we don't fully know the situation.

OP mentioned that DD's mental health was in tatters and the fact a GP telephone appointment was arranged to try and work out what to do for the best, suggests there's more to this than a reluctance to do a bit of cleaning. OP I hope the appointment goes well and your DD is able to get back to you if you feel that's required for her safety (whether mentally or otherwise).

jeremypaxo · 03/04/2020 11:49

The letter of the law is not relevant here, think about the spirit of the rules. The whole point of this lockdown is to reduce the spread of COVID-19. By travelling across the country and moving from one household to another your daughter is potentially moving the virus around the country (don't forget symptoms take time to show and sometimes don't show at all).

The only "safe" way to do it is for her to self-isolate for 14 days when she arrives, as someone else has said upthread. I still don't think you should be encouraging her to do this but you'll undoubtedly end up doing what you want anyway, so if she's going to return to you, self-isolation on arrival is the best way.

Original poster
takedphome · 03/04/2020 12:14

DD was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety back in 2018

Her relationship is complicated. DD loves him a lot, but sometimes questions whether she will be able to marry him. Sometimes she is more of a mother to him than a DP. He is maturing, but he isn't at her level yet. He has an illness in this respect. They have been together a long time and her DP values DD's happiness so much, as does she, hence he is willing to do the journey. He is a very good man, but takes things very literally so DD has to explain things multiple times and very carefully which is draining for her.

They live together, so DD wants to spend all her holidays with us (she gets the minimum allowance and sees her DP daily anyway).

We are a very close family and we love her DP. I know ideally in a couple of years time DD would love to live with her DP but still be near us.

OP posts:
twinkle2306 · 03/04/2020 12:40

OP I'm not sure what you want out of this. You've made up your mind so not sure why you would post on MN when you know what the response would be?
DD having to 'mother' DP and do the cooking and cleaning isn't a good enough excuse. You say they are close and care deeply for each other so once again if he get sick she'd be happy to let him struggle by himself with no support at all?
For everyone's safety especially your DH you should not be mixing households but you've made up your mind and nothing we say will change it so what's the point!

Rinoachicken · 03/04/2020 12:43

So he’s on the autistic spectrum then?

Has she discussed him this with him at all? Does he know??

LefttoherownDevizes · 03/04/2020 12:43

There is also a lot on unhealthy enabling going on within the family too

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/04/2020 13:04

So she really loves him, wants to be with him in a couple of years living near you however apparently isn't bothered about going back to him after this and won't care if he catches it and is at home alone while she's back with you?

She clearly doesn't care about him and so shouldn't use him to bring her home. You're clearly going to facilitate her coming back so you need to go and get her. Don't take advantage of this man that you claim to love. Poor bloke. He should get out while he can.

myrtleWilson · 03/04/2020 13:19

Poor Dp and poor OP's DH... neither look like they're going to be considered very much at the moment.

Nixen · 03/04/2020 13:34

I don’t know why you posted? You’ve clearly made up your mind and that’s your prerogative to do but it doesn’t mean we have to agree with it. It might be worth using the time your is back at home with you to work on helping her learn some resilience. It’s a big bad world out there and I’m sure you don’t want her running back to mummy when she’s 40?

Beansandcoffee · 03/04/2020 14:32

Please don’t ask your daughter’s partner to drive her back home. You and your daughter are using this poor man and if it was my son I would be disgusted. Let him go and find someone who loves him like a mature adult and not like a brother. Talk about enabling your daughter to have a dysfunctional relationship. What have you taught her?

Hugglespuffed · 03/04/2020 14:32

This is all really bizarre. It sounds like you've only really said she has mental health issues now that the thread hasn't gone your way.
I'm a 20 something single female with anxiety and I'm worried for the possibility of depression as I've just finished work and now aren't working for over 2 weeks. I'd love to be with my parents but the rules are plain and simple clear aren't they?
She shouldn't be coming home unless there is an actual genuine concern for mental health/ DV both of which sound like it isn't a problem? You literally said she doesn't want to be cooking and cleaning (on 80% pay!)
I think now is a time to teach her that cooking and cleaning are part of being a grown up..yes things should be split but he is still working so it is the kind thing to do to take a bit more responsibility. The fact at 23 she would rather be at her family home than with her DP is concerning and not a good sign for the relationship. I think she needs to have a long hard think and do the right thing in either ending the relationship or pursuing it.
I'm not meaning it as a dig. But I'd hate to have a boyfriend who left me during a lockdown because hed rather be with his family. And I'd question the relationship.

JorisBonson · 03/04/2020 15:02

I haven't seen my parents since December and would bloody love to go home and get looked after.

But these are very unusual circumstances and, like the rest of the population, I'm having to suck it up and get on with it.

You are a true enabler.

Rinoachicken · 03/04/2020 16:07

Please don’t ask your daughter’s partner to drive her back home. You and your daughter are using this poor man and if it was my son I would be disgusted. Let him go and find someone who loves him like a mature adult and not like a brother. Talk about enabling your daughter to have a dysfunctional relationship. What have you taught her?

^THIS^

HarrySnotter · 03/04/2020 17:18

My DH is actually in the vulnerable category which makes it even harder.

No it doesn't, it makes it easier. I originally thought that your daughter was in danger either from her DP or herself but given your updates it seems that is not the case. She is not in danger, she does not want to be on her own during the day - like millions of us right now. She doesn't want to do chores. She's worried that she has been in close contact with someone who may or may not have had the virus but it's too soon to tell and you are even contemplating bringing her into the home of your vulnerable husband. She should not be asking and you should most definitely not be putting your husband at more risk than he already is. I can't quite believe you would even think that was a good idea. If she needs help, you need to get it to her another way.

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