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Original poster

Picking DD up - urgent

318 replies

takedphome · 02/04/2020 14:42

DD23 lives in a town 2 hours away. She has been furloughed. We really want her back for her safety. She also desperately wants to come home to us (her parents and DSis). Can her DP drive her to us? What are the risks involved? She lives with her DP.

OP posts:
HarrySnotter · 02/04/2020 17:39

@takedphome Why does she want to be with you rather than with her DP? Is she likely to want to see him in the coming weeks and if she is unable to, will that affect her mental health negatively too? You're in a difficult position, no doubt, and the fact that she's an adult (I never get why people seem to think that you should almost have nothing more to do with your children when as soon as they turn 18) makes no difference, she's still your child and I understand why you want to help her. I said earlier that you shouldn't go and get her, but in truth I don't know what I would do in these circumstances. It really does depend if you feel she is in danger from her DP or she could be a danger to herself, both of these factors change things.

welldonejean · 02/04/2020 17:42

(the latter journey is a worry for me, if he was to get stopped, what would he say?)

that's his look out, he can tell them he's on the way to the supermarket or whatever. He can tell them he had to do a medicine run.
He's not going to get stopped, the police are already in hot water over the interpretation of the guide lines, they don't have the power to stop people over this. It's not illegal to travel, we're being asked NOT TO make unnecessary journeys and this sounds necessary.

Pippinsqueak · 02/04/2020 17:46

I'm not sure why you asked, you know it's not allowed but you're going to do it anyway so why is asking a question going to do? No one here can stop you, no one here can give you the right excuses to tell the police if they're stopped. Sort it out yourself

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 02/04/2020 17:48

If you feel her MH will be better with you, that she won't change her mind about being in lockdown with you, that she can access any medication or medical support from your house, then I'd bring her home. Her DP can explain he's out to care for someone that is vulnerable (which he is).

Gingerkittykat · 02/04/2020 17:50

There are exceptions to the rules on movement for people escaping domestic abuse. Is the safety you talk about DA or a risk of self harm/ suicide?

Go and get her, any controlling behaviour is likely to ramp up if they are cooped up in a tiny flat for weeks.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 02/04/2020 17:54

There isn't any DV or controlling behaviour.

Op, where is her GP? Is she registered with your GP or one where she lives, two hours away? Is she ok with not seeing her partner until this is over? Is he ok with that? What if he gets ill and is at home on his own? Will she be ok accepting that she can't go to him?

Ragwort · 02/04/2020 17:57

I think you should get her, perhaps it would be better if you or your DH drive to collect her.

Mumsnet is so militant about this, I go out to help vulnerable people most days (Food Bank). If I don’t go, they will starve - what is the choice?

MamaGee09 · 02/04/2020 18:38

@UnaCorda

I replied saying as a mum as not everyone on here is a mum so people who are not mums may have a different answer.

While reading the thread I presumed it was her dd’s mental health that was suffering due to her partner being willing to drive her home. For her daughter to want to leave where she has been living it has to be serious, who would want to take chances with their loved ones lives? And as we have found out later in the thread her daughters mental health has deteriorated! Would you rather she left her with her partners and her daughter did something drastic or would you rather she was safe at home? I know that as a mum I would rather anther my child was safe at home, if I wasn’t a mum my answer may be different.

Thefaceofboe · 02/04/2020 18:41

If you’d posted about your daughters MH in your OP or in the following comments you would of had a lot of different and more understanding answers.

coachman · 02/04/2020 18:41

I would say yes, provided she stays for the rest of the lockdown period and the partner doesn't visit. It's still early in the lockdown so she should do it now but shouldn't change again.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 02/04/2020 18:42

If she is staying with you and you are worried for her safety then yes get her. I wouldn't even be questioning it.

VistaOfFreedom · 02/04/2020 18:53

Yes, have her come home

DrFosterPuddle · 02/04/2020 19:31

I think your daughter’s dp could say he was travelling as a one-off urgent trip related to care needs of his family member.

(Or, is he is wfh, could he stay with you all for the duration too?)

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 02/04/2020 20:39

If you’d posted about your daughters MH in your OP or in the following comments you would of had a lot of different and more understanding answers

True, but before COVIC-19, there wasn't a pack of bullies ready to descend on every perceived transgression from their rules. People weren't THIS ready to attack. It's pretty bad here right now. The OP didn't deserve half of the responses she got.

saraclara · 02/04/2020 20:49

She has made her decision when Boris announced the lockdown - she should have come to you then.

Except she's only just been furloughed. Until then she had to stay for her job. If she waits any longer, it might be that the lockdown is tightened even more, and it [roves not to be possible at all.

Mental health is going to prove to be nearly as much of an issue as physical health. If you think she's at risk in any way, then yes, have her come to you. Can you meet half way, so that you're each just travelling for an hour?

Quartz2208 · 02/04/2020 20:53

if her metal health is at risk then yes she should come to you

This is all a risk weighing exercise and if you think her greatest risk is staying then have her come to you

itsgettingweird · 02/04/2020 20:57

If it's for MH reasons and her DP is working and so cannot care for her then it comes under the care aspect of leaving home.

But I would suggest that you set up to isolate for 14 days just in case as that would be a responsible compromise.

Lunar567 · 02/04/2020 21:09

I would not even ask on here. I would go and collect my daughter if she asked me to.

m0therofdragons · 02/04/2020 21:57

The point of lock down is to stop people moving round the country. You're supposed to only exercise within 2 miles of your home so picking someone up from 2 hours away is a no, no matter what excuses you come up with to justify it to yourself. The rules apply to you and breaking them puts everyone at risk!

UnaCorda · 02/04/2020 22:02

I know that as a mum I would rather my child was safe at home, if I wasn’t a mum my answer may be different.

If you weren't a mum you wouldn't have a child, so your answer would be moot.

Anyway, it's not about what you'd "rather" have or do in a ideal world - I'm sure the OP of another thread this evening would rather her husband hadn't just died from COVID-19. That's why people need to think beyond their wants and preferences.

StormyClouds · 02/04/2020 22:06

You're supposed to only exercise within 2 miles of your home

Total rubbish- the regulations don't mention how far away you can exercise or how long you can take.

This is yet another made-up rule from the mumsnet police.

HarrySnotter · 02/04/2020 22:10

You're supposed to only exercise within 2 miles of your home

Are you @m0therofdragons? Where did you get that info from, I've been running further than that.

SunshineCake · 02/04/2020 22:11

My MH isn't great but I am on day sixteen of coughing and day nine of not being able to leave my bed and I still say don't risk it. But do what you want as you are going to anyway. Hospital yesterday was not fun.

WomanIsTaken · 02/04/2020 22:15

Get her home, then self isolate.
I hope she feels better soon Flowers

LimescaleCowboy · 02/04/2020 22:17

Essential travel includes moving house, and fulfilling a legal obligation, both of which include moving students out of student accommodation.

So tired of these lockdown fanatics trying to boss around other people on here.