My lungs feel like they are on fire - part 3

[Casino218]

@longshot started a new thread as the other filled up and I thought you were poorly and people would be wanting to find out how you were doing.

Oh thankyou.

My dd(11) has had a cough for a week. I then had a banging headache on saturday.
On monday I had diarrhoea, a fever of 39 that came on quickly and I was sick. I have anxiety over being poorly anyway and even though Im 41 I rang my mum crying as i felt so poorly so quickly I was frightened.

She was furious at me saying that I must have mental health issues as I’d let anxiety take hold and that diarrohea wasnt even a symptom.

Since monday every night I’ve had fevers/chills/shaking and I feel like I have to just rock/pace/walk in the cold air to try to soothe myself. I then get cold/shivery and cant get warm again. This has gone on for days and I have literally slept about 6 hours over these days.

I havent eaten (nibbled two bagels in that time) and today I have extreme pressure and burning sensation in my chest. I have asthma so ive uooed my steroid and reliever.

Im conscious that my anxiety is tipping over and that my mum has made me feel like a fraud. My stepmum got me doing breathing exercises but it heightens that it hurts my chest and then panic sets in again.

Im on day six of active symptoms now that its officially saturday but im petrified. I have two dd’s who are loving being at home and i just cant get off the sofa to be with them. And my mum has made me feel like the squits means this cant be Covid and im a fraud and a phoney. Yet I know i feel so terribly ill and frightened.

I havent slept so here to talk if anyone else is stuck panicking

@DandyPenguin: I know exactly what you mean about those thoughts about life and death. I’ve got quite used to having them the last few years as my DH had lymphoma starting in 2017, and is currently under investigation for a brain lesion which might be the lymphoma or something else. We cycle through terror, existential angst, and zen acceptance (more of the latter than you might expect). One of the weird things about the last few weeks is that we have been joined in this strange place by the entire population of the globe.

I think the zen acceptance that comes from facing our own mortality can be really powerful - DH wrote a while novel over the last few months. The dark-night-of-the-soul terror is the worst thing and I had a few dark nights where chatting to strangers online really helped me.

@TheDrsWife (I’m assuming your husband isn’t a Dr?) it sounds to me like you could well have it BUT you are doing okay so far and you will cope like you’re doing so now. Don’t do exercises that make it worse, do anything that helps you. Your children will be fine if you are resting and they sound happy anyway.
Your mum and step mum sound a little erm unsupportive. Can you avoid calling them for now? Have you got a husband (dr or otherwise) and is he a support? I have heard warm liquids are good- and you do need to try to eat some more to keep your strength up. Little and often if you can. Soup?

@DandyPenguin: I had the one-side lung pain too, though mine is on my left. I think its a good thing as it suggests it is mainly affecting one lung rather than both.

I had all your symptoms, and days 8-10 were when it got worse for me. Then better, then worse again, but differently. But today - day 17 - I have been up all day and finally remember what it’s like to feel well. You’ll get there,.

@SchrodingersKitty its interesting that u say talking to strangers helps. All ive found to ease my anxieties have been to text people, but no-one else is feeling ill and I feel a nuisance or a reminder that this is a frightening prospect to catch. Everyone has said “sorry I need to go to bed” but I havent been to my actual bed since sunday. Im literally living hour by hour trying to pace my way through chills/fear/pain in my chest/anxiety/panic/guilt about not being there for my kids...this is my last hope of human contact in the depths of darkness

Oh bless you all, those that are answering and those that feel bleak too.

@SchrodingersKitty spot on with the rest of the world joining in the knowledge that no one EVER knows what’s round the corner... only mostly it’s a blood lonely place when you have that impact from the swift removal of “life as you knew it”... now though we weirdly have everyone in the same or similar boat and it’s still lonely as we all have to manage our reactions to it, our own fears and our own questions and keep our lives “normal” for our kids.
I am keeping everything crossed your husbands brain lesions are not lymphoma related and turn out to be something less scary than they sound. I had lymphoma back in 2004 but the fear never quite leaves you- nor the appreciation of life though...

A whole novel over the last few months Well done that man. Was he feeling ill at the same time it was he recovering/recovered?

@TheDrsWife46. So many people on here have had symptoms just like yours. We don’t know if it’s corona virus, but it is certainly something. The main thing is to accept that your chest is constructing but that you can still breathe. An open window is good as it helps you breathe more deeply. I find a hot shower really helps relax my chest too. And I’ve been mainlining peppermint tea - the steam and the warmth are really soothing. I’m asthmatic too and I find checking my peak flow helps, as I realise I am actually still oxygenated.

DH isnt a Dr, its an old user name that ive come back on with. Refers to my time as a moto GP fan.

I keep listening to meditation music in the dark desperate to sleep, but it heightens my breathing and the pain. I’ll go back and check the thread to see of anyone else has felt it, but this is unlike anything I’ve felt before. Ive been ill with infections/fever like mastitis and felt just as horrendous but this is consuming my whole body, the agitation of chills/sweats/fever frightens me. The lung pain is becoming acute but I can absolutely talk and I dont have the cough my DD has. Im so conscious that anxiety wont help me identify where I feel better again if Im constantly agitated anyway. But I feel so very very alone and scared.

I’ve nearly died from another illness and I think one thing that’s bothering me now is that I feel I hadn’t learned from that and didn’t get my arse into gear about certain things. Things would be better practically for me now if I had.

@Isadora2007 you’re right it could be positive. I’m going to write that list. I’m not going to say here what the number one (or even number three) thing I’m going to change is because it’s personal and I’m aware at least one person in RL probably knows my MN name. Happy to DM though. Or maybe start a Covid Change for the Positive thread elsewhere under a different name ...

@TheDrsWife46 given than you’ve been pacing and not in bed and you’re STILL anxious and messed up about it all, can I gently say to try getting into bed and wrapping yourself up warmly and listening to some gentle music on the radio and resting. Anxiety and fear and guilt sound very much like future based emotions- the what if? The hows? All of these may not come to pass- I can assure you many won’t. I can’t assure you none will, but I can tell you that they may hit you over like a wave but then you WILL get up and get on with it because you’re a mum. And god forbid- but if you’re not around, then you won’t be around to see that. So harsh as it sounds that is empty emotion wasting too! When faced with actual death (see my reply to SC above) I figured the least I could do was not to leave my kids with the lasting memory of a sick mum who never did anything except sleep or cry. So I got on with life every single day that I could- doing nursery and school runs when I wasnt really meant to and reading bedtime stories which I had to rush through to vomit after when my chemo had been rough. I got through it. So you can and will get through this and you ARE already- and you’ve said yourself your girls are happy. So you’re already doing a good job. BUT you need to take care of yourself and rest, drink water or camomile tea or warm milk. Pamper yourself and get into bed... and try to sleep or rest. And know that some stranger on the internet is sending positive and healing thoughts your way right now.

Is blurry vision a symptom when tired?

@DandyPenguin don’t mind my nosiness... your list is for you- unless you feel you want to share in which case PMs are always welcome. I can relate a little to your changes:frustration as I too feel like I should have changed some things better for myself but had begun to take life for granted- but we are human. And so I forgive myself and move forward as that’s all we can do- changing can start now. And we can always start again and again and one of these days will actually change... fresh starts don’t have a best before date.

@TheDrsWife46 you are not alone

Also meant to say, so sorry to hear of your husband’s possible brain lesions @SchrodingersKitty I’ve been following your Covid journey over this thread and last and it’s helpful and pragmatic to see similarities and to know that it getting better then worse is normal (or the ‘new normal’, to quite a current buzz term!)

@Isadora2007 you sound awesome

@Isadora2007 thats actually made me cry. Thankyou for being so kind when actually you’ve faced worse than this. Thisnhas shown me that I already have a health anxiety that I hadnt acknowleged. I can recognise that Im catastrophising and its not helping me manage the ‘now’. Ironically it doesn't help for me to be identifying an anxiety issue when dr’s are busy elsewhere. I had a pulmonary embolism once which was a frightening experience and I think now i’m scared of getting ill. The fact that I so so poorly with this is making me recognise that god forbid I had to face chemo I’d struggle to quash the panic response and perhaps I need to address the health anxiety asap.

Thankyou so much for the kindness and apologies if I havent acknowldged all messages, we didnt even have the ability to respond @mumsnetters when I was last here.

@DandyPenguin: he was on steroids to shrink the brain thing and they gave him strange hyper focus. He didn’t feel ill otherwise. His first novel took him 15 years; the second four months. Meanwhile the steroids shrank the lesion so much they were unable to get a sample in the biopsy, so we arecstuck in limbo of scans and uncertainty (and more uncertainty because of Covid 19).

@Isadora2007: thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been there too.

@TheDrsWife46. It sounds like you need to separate out the anxiety and the experience of the illness. Hot water bottles would help with the chills. Are you taking paracetamol? You need to convince yourself that your main job now is to listen to what your body needs. And that is rest, medicine, warm liquids and some food. Very few people will need hospital treatment. You will be able to ride this out but you need to stay calm and help yourself. Can you snuggle up on the sofa with a duvet if you can’t face bed and find something mindless and absorbing to watch?

No you weren’t being nosy. And I like nosy.

I’m angry at myself for wasting so much time and not investing for the future by making changes before. Changes that could have really benefitted my children too.

I think one change is like to make us moving country.

Thankyou to all. I’m going to see what I’ve got like peppermint or something scented/soothing and a drink. I know i cant sleep but I can rest here in the dark. I am breathing and although it hurts it is do-able. It means everything to be believed and not ridiculed I can see why people would be desperate for a test to justify and validate how ill they feel!! Thankyou already.

@TheDrsWife46 having been almost to the brink of death with a health condition before (no exaggeration), I think that like you with your pulmonary embolism, having being ill before can make you more scared. Because we’ve lived that almost worst case scenario. And maybe there’s a part of us that thinks how lucky can I be to have a lucky escape again?

It’s so hard when this is causing so much dearth and panic and we hear about all the hospital beds set up.

I’m terrified about me becoming ill not for myself but for my children who need me so much (SN).

I also feel sadness that if I went I’m not sure many people would really notice or miss me that much.

@TheDrsWife46

I recognise your very low mood and anxiety. I get like that when I need something to eat. I think it's a chemical thing, it's different to low blood sugar but along the same lines. Even one or two mouthfuls or a sweet drink alleviate that relentless panicked feeling for me.

@TheDrsWife46: that sounds like a great idea. I might join you for my 10th mug of the day. The main symptom bothering me now is chills. Particularly, and oddly, of my upper chest and neck - it was my lower legs and feet last week. I think I’m now resigned to the strange random symptoms and fairly confident that they’ll eventually go.

@DandyPenguin: I imagine for most of us, the fear for our children is uppermost now. Mine is 20, in his first year at uni, but I’m still terror stricken at the possibility of him being left alone. But all the odds are in our favour and we just have to grit our teeth and get through this.

I’m going to join you both too with a mug of drink. It’ll be the first time I’ve ventured downstairs into the kitchen in 10 days! DH has been bringing me everything. I’ve been self-isolating to avoid them getting ill. DH is sleeping in the living room.

Going down to the kitchen feels thrillingly rebellious I’ll wipe down everything I touch afterwards.

And as someone said upthread, think of the superpower of immunity we will hopefully have if this is corona virus.