How selfish would this be?

[Jourdain11]

I just need a sounding board because I don't trust my own judgement any more and don't want to freak out my family and friends, many of whom are already struggling at this difficult time...

So as not to drip-feed: I'm not very health-anxious and have been coping okay with the Covid-19 situation up till now. We had a case at work very early in proceesinfa and got locked down. Husband is a PS teacher and working this week. We have been reasonably sensible and socially isolated, but of course we're all getting exposure through him!

My dilemma is this: for the last about 4 weeks, I've been really wiped out. Really exhausted, achey, weak. I've also been getting lots of nosebleeds (unusual) and people have been commenting that I look really pale and asking if I lost weight. I've actually lost about a stone, but it may be lack of appetite.

Of course, I looked up my symptoms and got worried ... so made an appointment with the GP, telephone (natch) and spoke to a GP who I've never seen before, who said this is classic anxiety, everyone is anxious, to practise breathing techniques and mindfulness, etc. He may well be right, but my issue is... I haven't been feeling that anxious. I'm generally quite a day-by-day person and haven't felt this as hard as many others.

I tried the relaxation.. but basically, I'm just concerned it might be more. And I'm now scared that if I wait till I can get a face-to-face, some time in the long and far distant future (!!!) it might be "too late". Blah blah blah. You get what I'm saying.

My GP surgery are saying absolute no face-to-face and they can refer me for IAPTs but it will be a long wait. If I think I need something quicker, I should go to the local hospital Urgent Treatment. And I'm almost at the point where I will go....... but it seems so bloody selfish to go at a time like this?

I just don't know. So please, any thoughts will help!

Yes - Go. The worst that can happen is I'll waste little bit of NHS time and piss off some overworked staff.

No - Don't go. I'm being selfish and ridiculous to contemplate it!

Thx v much à l'avance.

I'm glad too, the more waiting there is, the more nervous I would have had the chance to get.

I'm trying to get mentally and practically prepared. Apparently in normal circs I would have had another appointment before, but because of the Corona situation they will do everything that would have been there on Day 1. My nice GP rung up today and talked me through a few things, which I thought was really kind of her. The main thing she was keen to get across was that if the anti-nausea drugs aren't working then I should say STRAIGHT AWAY so that they can try something else!

I'm getting a lot of "you are a fighter and you can beat this" type messages from friends. And I do really appreciate their support but actually, I don't think I'm the slightest bit of a fighter and I'm not really feeling myself engaged in battle....! I'd rather just carry on being me. Just heard Raab declare that the PM is a fighter and will win his battle .... seems like if one doesn't kit oneself up in a mental suit of armour and draw a sword, you don't have a chance!!!

I’ve been lurking Jourdain11 but stuck my head up to say I hear you! You aren’t fighting anything, this isn’t a matter of will-power! I had cancer too and when I was going through my treatment that would irritate me. I clocked it when Rabb was speaking about Johnson earlier and it irritated me then too. I think people say this because they want to be kind though but can’t think of anything to say.
Just carry on being you. You sound great, I’ve been wondering if you live near me and if I could bring you cake when we can get out. I don’t like anybody!

Sun fresh air and naps are all just what you need right now OP. And very glad to hear the DC are good over video-conference, and the treatment starts on Thursday. I find nothing wears you out as quickly as emotion, so not surprised you're more tired than usual - it's been a roller coaster for you. Good to get some lists together of music, books (on tablet too), films, make sure you've got good headphones etc, order new ones if not, all for Thursday. Pocket hankies. moisturizer etc. Hugs. And hope for a good night's sleep for you and DH.

Hi OP
I've just read the whole thread.
You are your family sound absolutely lovely. I want to meet your dramatic mum and hear her thoughts on the fat mayor!

Sending you so much strength and perseverance. Remember, being strong isn't never crying or being upset.

We are all behind you

I loathe the fighter rhetoric - so do an awful lot of people. I really wish it would fall into disuse,

Sizing in the fun sounds like a pretty damn fine plan!

Glad you don’t have to wait long for treatment to begin. Any idea how long you might be in for?

You're not being lazy, you're enabling your body to be at it's best for Thursday!

You're lucky with your GP! I'm glad you have such a good one. She's right about the anti nausea - don't be shy to say it's not working, it makes all the difference (and my op was only minor!).

Dreams are weird aren't they! Such a thump back to reality when you realise they're not true 😢

Try to spend today snoozing, reading, sitting on the balcony eating nice food. 😊

Relaxing is good. This article is good about the rhetoric of war and disease it is not helpful at all https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/07/horror-coronavirus-real-imaginary-war-britain?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

Hi Jourdain11! Popping in to wave 👋

I hope you had a decent nights sleep. I find the Calm App very helpful in helping me to sleep when I'm anxious (other apps are available).

Chemo gave me nausea (as did pregnancy: possibly related), and they put me on two anti-nausea drugs which did the trick. They can't give you the really good shit when you're pregnant, but they can when you're having chemo.

I agree with the 'strong' and 'fight' rhetoric being utterly unhelpful, whatever people's intentions. Apart from anything else, does it mean that if someone doesn't recover they somehow didn't try hard enough? I know, I know that isn't what people mean, but it is gauche at best.

I hope you can find some pleasure in your day, and I'll be thinking about you tomorrow

I was just scrolling through the active posts and happened to come across your thread. I just wanted to send my thoughts to you. What a horrible situation and it's been made so much more complicated for you by everything that's going on. I know it's easy for me to say but you mustn't view yourself as a burden. Other illnesses are going to continue and this is what our health system is for. I will continue to follow what is happening as i so want for you to get through this. You come across as such a kind and caring person and I feel so sad that you're going through this ☹️ Take care xxx

I had some exciting GI symptoms when they fiddled with my meds - you need to be wary of OTC stuff, so ask for everything whilst you’re in.

This is because a number of blood cancer meds (including the one I’m on) interact badly with a lot of stuff or the interaction is unknown & so best avoided unless there is great need. Your team will know which ones are safe (which for anti-emetics tend to be the heavy duty prescription only, because if you’re going to risk an interaction it had damned well better be for max benefit)

OP I've just read this whole thread and I wanted to send you lots and lots of good wishes. I've never commented on a thread like this before but you (and your family) just sound so absolutely lovely I couldn't not say hi

I'm so glad that your care has been good and efficient, and I wish you all the very, very best for your upcoming treatment

Jourdain I read your thread last night and came looking for it again today. I just wanted to send you my best wishes. A very good friend of mine is just finishing treatment for AML. She had chemo and then a stem cell transplant and she is doing well. She has found treatment tough, very tough at times however you sound very positive and optimistic like her and this has stood her in such good stead. She is doing really well now, her bloods are looking great and everything is where it should be. She does have the odd complication ie the odd temperature that she needs to go into hospital. But otherwise, she is doing really well. We are all making plans to meet up and do something fun once this blooming leukaemia is gone forever!

I just wanted to let you know because I'm sure a cancer diagnosis is scary and I wanted you to hear a positive story. I wish you the very best x

All your lovely messages..... honestly, I'm so touched! You have all been so kind

I'm sorry that I have been quiet today but I've found there has been a surprising amount to do to get packed and ready, lots of people to speak to, and so on! DH's birthday is tomorrow - I'm afraid it will be not much of a birthday, to be honest, but we are hoping to celebrate properly in "happier times to come". And, as he said, at least he won't have to share his birthday cake this year....! The DC are fine, have been playing recorder, doing art and repairing my DH's tree house which he and his brother built when they were kids! I spoke to them on vid today and apparently DH had said something like, "when you next see your mum she might not have any hair". Of course, he meant when they see me in person, but when we came onto the call I heard DS say in quite disappointed tones, "Oh. She still does have hair."

I think I'm all ready and prepared, as much as I can be. Trying to be positive and calm, and sometimes succeeding!!

Thank you again for all your kindness and the messages and the advice... honestly, it means so much. And thank you for the reassurances about the fighting narrative.... I felt I was being ungrateful, since it all comes from the best intentions, but it was starting to irritate me a little! It is good to know that it isn't only me who has this reaction....

Sending good wishes to you all, stay well, stay safe, and I will try to write a little update soon.

Just come across this thread and didn’t want to read and not comment.
You are amazing. You sound like such an incredible person and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to send my best wishes to you and let you know that we are all here to support you xx

Hello Jourdain,
Just popping in to say I am thinking of you all.
I don’t think you have to be strong. I think you just have to be you .

Hi Jourdain,
Another one here popping in to say Hi and I hope you're doing well in prep for the first treatment. It made me smile to think of your little DS being a bit disappointed that you still have hair. Children are such a gift and so down to earth.

Everyone commenting on the metaphors of war - a good alternative metaphor for cancer, recommended by researchers, is that of a journey, involving paths and roads and navigation, and so on. Another point is most situations are complicated - a single metaphor might not work, we need different ones at different times and different people prefer different sorts of imagery.

There have been all sorts of threads on here, in which posters with cancer (notably TwitterQueen1) pointed out - repeatedly - how very unwelcome that rhetoric was. Never ever put up with platitudes you do not like from people you do not care about, and tactfully ask those you do care for to drop it. Metaphors are neither inevitable nor necessary, and if you don’t like any of them, say so

Happy Birthday to your DH !

But more importantly, all good wishes to you, and I shall be thinking of you today

What iVampire said.

I'll be thinking about you today Jourdain11

Thinking.of you today and hope it went as well as it could go

Fingers crossed it went ok today Jordain11. Wishing you well. Lots of different kinds of

I’ve just read the thread and wanted to send my best wishes to you. Thinking of you

💐

Just read the whole thing too, you're such an inspiration @jourdain11 and good luck with your treatment

Didn't want to read and run!

I have RTWT and just wanted to say good luck with your treatment! You sound like an amazing person and I hope things go well and you're back to good health very soon

With regards to the "fighter" comments my mum had breast cancer and used to get very annoyed when she was told to "keep fighting" etc and said in response to someone's comment once "I'm not fighting it...the chemos doing that! I'm just living" and I always think of that.