30s TTC - Our BESH GussetWatch Ever, With Guest Star Joe Mangel!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, you raddled old caaaaahs, whotchoo waitin' for?

I've gone for a groovy 60s psychedelic theme, so get your fat upper arms comfy in the hanging globe chairs and hide your mememe shame in the glow of the lava lamps!

Russell Howard is our new bartender, although I don't think he's happy at the flares 'n' kipper tie outfit I've forced him to wear. And of course, Mitchell is in the pit, nervously awaiting his first guest.

Let's make this one diffalicious!

beshlet at hotmail dot co dot uk!

Sozzles!

Right, here goes. Prepare to be stalked, beyatch!

Just an aside, it will be my proper email address. Now I'm concerned because you have a BESH one. Is that common practice? Don't want to do it wrong (I know how you love emoticons)

Laurie - POAS! PAOS! POAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right, who's for a bit of superiority complex, to cheer us all up. Judgey pants on? Let's go...

here

A therapist sounds like the kind of thing you'd be good at Scorps. And it could be done just as well I guess (though I do know nothing of course) with the health probs you've got. You have a blog? I shall have to stalk you. Glad you're feeling a little cheerier. And I think a boyf doing 60, nay 75% of the housework is perfectly reasonable. Isn't it?

I heard something awful the other day. A friend of ours has a 17 yr old daughter who they've been having problems with over her behaviour and attitude to them etc etc. All the normal 17 year old stuff. Anyway, he came round the other night really sad, because they've discovered she has some kind of syndrome (can't remember its name) which means she only has one kidney, no uterus and no vagina even. She's never had periods so when she got to 17, she needed to be checked out and that was what they found. She and her boyfriend had apparently tried to have sex and couldn't so he dumped her and she's been one big angry mess ever since. Poor, poor cow. Add insult to injury, she's now facing all sorts of internal examinations and scans etc, which at 17 would be hideous enough anyway. Am so sorry for her. And as a father and therefore a man, he hasn't got a clue what to say to her to try and make her feel better. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman - Dolly got that bit right at least.

Oh my God Bessie. OH MY GOD! That one year old is scary! Let's just save some cash and send him to jail now. (or is that too judgey-pants and superior?)

I started a thread on it on 'in the news' and quite a few mothers said they feed their toddlers happy meals all that salt and fat... urgh.

Thanks GoodQueenBess, a good judge was just what I needed! But seriously, feeding a one year old a happy meal? The mind boggles and the heart sinks. At least being a decrepit BESH means that we've (hopefully) got some bloody sense about stuff like that!

Aries, feel v sorry for your friend's daughter Transgenderism and gender issues are my academic speciality and I should know the name of that condition but I can't recall it off the top of my head. It is a form of Hermaphroditism, in any case. Am pretty sure they can form a shallow vagina by the use of inserted cones, but they're v painful and it has to basically be done for life if you want it to stay. Absolutely devastating stuff for them all.

Right, NOW I'm off for needling!

Aries I haz replied, but something peculiar has happened to the damned email account and I cannae see if it has sent or not?

Am pleased you said that HBPencil because I received a blank email back! Did I mention that I was a paranoid, ginger social numpty with no self esteem?

Oh no poor you! That would have totally freaked me out! I shall try again. This subterfuge thing is obviously really working out for me

Aries am so for your friend and their daughter. How horrible.

Well, now, DS (who only turned 2 at the weekend so was 1 when all this happened) has had precisely 2 happy meals bought for him in his life. BUT chicken nuggets rather than cheeseburgers, fruit rather than chips and milk rather than Fruit Shoots. And in both cases it was cos I was stuck somewhere at his mealtime and was desperate. Does that exempt me?!

Actually, in both cases, he wouldn't eat it. And he eats dog biscuits. Go figure.

one for the cunning linguists. Might even cheer you up...

Yay! Your email got through, Headcase, or should I say.... ha haaarrrrr!

Just sent it this very minute. Keep your curls on!

Um, hello ladies, am I in the right place? I'm certainly old enough to remember Joe Mangel...

To your other email address

grumperina welcome, please locate and complete the BESH qualification quiz

Is it even on this thread? . You may want to look back at the previous BESH threads, especially the Buzwamcam one, where it's towards the end of the thread.

Something in Grumpy's manner leads to me to suspect she is a name-changing BESH

Don't worry, I've passed the first test by locating the test! Answers in a mo.

And no, I'm not a name-changing BESH

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   Natch. Especially Hendricks. And even more especially in a martini.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   Technically, the latter. But that's all I have in common with Courtney Cox, I promise you.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   Sorry, the tumtum's full of cake at the moment. And that got in there through another hole altogether...

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.
   Ooh, definitely (a), as (b) makes me want to vomit. (Hey, do you think this could be morning sickness? Should I POAS??)

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.
   Is this a chemistry test, or what?

6. what colour are your walls?
   Apparently, 'Treacle Tart 2' and 'Melon Sorbet'. Tried licking them: they don't taste as good as the names suggest.

7. Number of pets?
   Do books count?

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Charlie Brooker. (Or is that not inappropriate enough?) Er, Tim Roth? David Mitchell?? Stephen Fry???

9. Lesbian crush?
   Nigella Lawson. Or Marina Hyde. Yes, I'm a typical Guardian reader, I'm afraid.

10. What are your views on camping?
    Not for nothing do my best friends call me a 'gin-raddled fag hag'. (Oh, wait - you mean TENTS?! Not a chance, matey.)

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks
    So far, only about £15. But I've only been at this for a month so far. Give it another few weeks and I'll be dealing crack at the school gates to feed my POAS habit.