30s TTC - Our BESH GussetWatch Ever, With Guest Star Joe Mangel!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, you raddled old caaaaahs, whotchoo waitin' for?

I've gone for a groovy 60s psychedelic theme, so get your fat upper arms comfy in the hanging globe chairs and hide your mememe shame in the glow of the lava lamps!

Russell Howard is our new bartender, although I don't think he's happy at the flares 'n' kipper tie outfit I've forced him to wear. And of course, Mitchell is in the pit, nervously awaiting his first guest.

Let's make this one diffalicious!

Well? Am I in? Please, please, pretty please?

it's looking good, grumperina but you might want to try looking a bit less eager. You know, play it cool...

Crushes not inappropriate enough grumps. We already have Charlie and David imprisoned as barmen/pit slaves. Welcome! (Did you bring any of that cake?)

I'm not normally that bouncy (hence the name). But I'm at the very tail end of a 2WW and going slightly menkul. Also, am working from home today, which is why I'm able to eat cake for lunch and bounce around inappropriately. (Sorry, the cake's all gone. But I'll bring round some marzipan cookies next time I make them.)

Will try to think of some really inappropriate crushes. God, you wenches are hard on me.

MARZIPAN COOKIES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

Hint: we here call it the 2WOOFL, ie, the two weeks of obsessive fucking lunacy. You have my sympathies. Last 2WOOFL I was rummaging in my fanjo for evidence of the droid whilst, crucially, at my desk.

How old are you, Grumpyknickers?

Why weren't you sacked?

Yes, how old are you Grumps? (Not ganging up honest.)

I'm 2WOOFL-ing too. I don't feel remotely, well, anything really. Had a stare at boobs this morning to see if I could detect blue veins. No. The alcohol question the other day was utterly self deluding. Bit headachey, but that's because I need some fresh air. I'm so not diffed. Nothing to see here. Move on.

How old am I? A lady should never let on her true age... but I'm no lady, so I'm happy to tell you that I'm 33. Not quite over the hill, but old enough to start obsessing about how I'm going to fit in baby, further study and career (fucked around for ages before retraining in my present career and don't want to spoil it all by spending the next 5 years at home developing a mushy brain and unable to talk about anything except how my darling lickle snowflake angel produced another fairy-scented rainbow poo).

Hmm, not sure now that I should be here - life would certainly be easier as a career-obsessed barren hag

'Fairy scented rainbow poo'

I think I like you.

Now STOP IT everyone I have WORK to do. The world isn't going to administer itself you know!

When you say work pencil do you actually mean work, or is it just more fiddling with yourself under the desk??

Welcome grumpty You're depressingly new to the game but if you pass me some marzipan cookies I'll overlook it.

Seriously Cass, I was actually seated in my office, WITH THE DOOR OPEN, wanted to go to the loo to check my gusset for droid-bleeping, saw someone else was in there and thought, feckitall, and went for it. No mean task when you're wearing a top tucked into your waistband AND Sloggi pants AND opaque tights.

None of this is endearing, is it?

Oh heads you really are a wronger. But that's we love you.

MARZIPAN???!!! What fresh hell is this? Marzipan is the treat of the Devil! Other than that, hullooooo young Grumper. Could we have a slow flash of the norks as the final part of your acceptance?

I like your style. You are young and quite bouncy, but you'll learn. Oh, you'll soon learn, my Gal, mark my words...

Please imagine the above said in manner of bitter and slightly deranged sailor with an eye patch cornering you for a chat in a seedy pub.

Well, I have done an volte-face on my self-pity and despair and have turned that frown upside down with the help of my Needles Lady - or St Ruth as I now think of her. Lots of chatting about diet, stress, positive and negative thinking and so on and really helping me see how to make small, positive changes step by step and concentrate on the good side of change, not begrudging having to give things up or whatever. She is also physically v similar (and age-wise) to my Mum, so I feel a real affinity to her. I shall never whine or be self-pitying on here again...

... till the next time

Moshpit, words fail me at you checking your tunnel of love at your desk! You only need to pretend to be touching yourself when you're a phone sex operator you know! Little wonder you want a new career

God, I never thought I'd say this but I feel so sorry for Gordon Brown

Your Needles Woman sounds ace, Pet. Where do you live? I want her.

Scrofulous are you mad? Marzipan is delish.

Good to see you're feeling better.

Has anyone heard from Gin?

Flaaaaargh, Marzipan is rank. Mind you, I also hate bananas, mashed potato and doughnuts but love tofu, brown rice and goat's cheese (not together), so who am I to judge?

Marzipan is the food of Satan. Along with sprouts and meringue.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Also feel sorry for Brown - press have a field day revealing his private comment (I find it fair to call a bigoted woman a bigoted woman in private, meself!) and then attack him like he's been wandering the streets like some uncontrollable Tourette's sufferer bellowing insults at the populace and making him answer for it!

I'm no fan of his and I certainly won't be voting Labour (down here it's a completely wasted vote. Cornwall is all gold!) but that picture of him with his head in his hands makes me want to pat him consolingly and tell him I appreciate how hard he works. No one can deny he's had colossal bad luck and the press in this country are so utterly bitchy and negative, it almost makes me want to bring in censorship. The Mail are having an absolute field day. Do you know, I actually regularly post on their horrid little message boards, purely to tell them what twats they are. Sometimes they even publish them. It's interesting - you should try it. Make a really reasonable, well-informed comment and see how many red arrows you get from the the UKIP BNP brigade. Tis sport.

I feel sorry for Gordo too, his wretched day's gone from bad to worse hasn't it! He spent over an hour at the bigoted woman's house late afternoon apologising. Like he didn't have stuff to do, poor bastard.

I dunno. I did used to hate him but I've definitely softened on him. His other gaffe, with that military mother and him miswriting the name, then it transpiring that he handwrites all those letters despite not being able to see billy-o -well, I respected him for that. And I do think Cameroony is a twat, and I think the Tories are putting up a shockingly poor campaign.

Pah. Who knows.

Head I secretly love you a bit after that revelation. My belly is still so hung over after DS that I'm not sure I COULD check my fanjo at my desk

Day 27 tomorrow, let the menkulness continue. Have been tired, grumpy and ravenously hungry the last two days but tbh that sums me up half the time anyway, so who can say?! Will be PingOAS Sat a.m. if no droid cometh before then as have practical day at college with the pelvis and need to let tutor know if tis a yes... guaranteed to put me in a right bad mood for the day!!

Personally I think that what GB said was quite restrained. Had that been me, she would have been a bigoted old bitch with a bad set, and that would have been much more difficult to extract myself from

Glad you are on a positive tip scrope. Despaired on your behalf earlier, until I thought perhaps you could write a memoir about living with allergies of hideosity for the good of other people in your position. I was going to suggest it earlier, but I couldn't be faffed logging on at work...

Cunty - see my FB status on the matter re: restrained comments!

Fanks, you sexy bitch, for the encouragement. There's a very good American blog n book called 'Gluten-Free Girl' about living with coeliac disease which is v similar to what you're suggesting. Have long thought about maybe doing a cookbook for people with allergies, but a) there are already loads on the market and b) I am a lazy dreamer. I have been thinking of doing it more seriously recently, as lots of people have been suggesting this - I would add lots of info about lifestyle and clever tips about shopping and suchlike that other books of that ilk don't really go into.

And on the allergy front, St Ruth of The Needles gave me hope - said that adrenal fatigue causes allergies and intolerances (which not bastard Doc has ever told me) and if you get that sorted then lots of them just disappear! If I could win a baybee and the ability to eat more stuff then I'd be in hog heaven (with the emphasis on hog...)

Anyway, how are you? The baybee still practising Thai boxing on your liver?

More or less constantly. I am having 'difficult episodes' where everything hurts, but am just being a whinging old caaaaaah. Been watching DIY SOS (oh I know - it's a subject close to my heart though what with our house being in ruins) and they are doing for a family with a small kid with a brain tumour. Now that is thought-provoking .There's so much that can go wrong, I can't believe we all actually want to do this

Gah, the menkul found me. Am currently fighting massive urge to go to all night Tesco and pick up some early tests....

Resist! I oppose early testing. It is only ever a mindfuck.