30s TTC: The BESH Palace - where the bar never closes, booze is free, the humour is black and babydust is strictly for snorting through a rolled up 20.

[PollyPoo]

Welcome BESHies to the new palais. Plz to come fill it up plz.

For your delight and delectation I have dragged across the bar and the pit. Along with Mitchell (of course) to grant your every wish (but you will probably have to fight Scorps for him first... good luck with that).

I have even brought the Kylie infused absinthe. Now, who will join me in a Blackhole?

I reckon watching Da Sex that is 007 whilst eating sexy chocs will make you spontaneously updiff anyway, lorry....

I'll take your Take That guilt and raise you BOTH albums of Glee soundtracks. All together now: SEE HER IN A SMOKEH ROOM, SMELL OF WAHN AN' CHEEP PERFOOOOOOOHOOOOOM...

I also see the rabbit. What gives.

I thought you put him there?

Nope, nowt to do wiv me. Well, not on purpose. Am a bit crap wiv t'interweb.

Arsebiscuits! Didn't work.

Don't follow the rabbit, Alice!

Poo, so sorry to hear about poor little Iris I will understand if you cancel our hot date Am sending you a mail in a few mins about it, but I just hope both of you get a break soon

Gin, please cheer up Extremelybrave by reminding her that as soon as she's discharged she must book into the BESHpital for total recuperation: intravenous booze and choccy, naked male nurses of her choice, every film or tv show she could wish for and a full range of pampering treatments (ie, Cunty will boot her repeatedly in the back till she gets better).

And whilst you're at it, book yourself in too. Dr Scorpette will be round soon for secret hugs and hair-stroking therapy. No extra charge

Headache, I feel your pain - someone who was my best friend at school (we lost touch cos drifted apart but she friended me on FB last yr) is all over FB about how she's about to drop her sprog - as we delightfully say around here. Despite the fact that she has always hated kids, has always said she never wanted any but has now got pg for the 2nd time within the first month of trying - despite being 5 stone overweight, a heavy smoker and drinker who eats constant crap, and with her husband, who is obese, also a heavy smoker and drinker and has had a vasectomy reversal. It's taking the fucking piss!

I reckon they're only doing it to mock us.

PS Cheggers, how are you and the double trouble doing at the mo?

Knew you'd geddit, Scrofula. Oh that I had the time to list her virtues. They include being a full alcoholic by the age of 19 (no jest) and having been thrown out of sheltered housing for permitting drug dealing in her room. Oh, and the longest she's held down a job must be, ooooooh, coupla months? Because Dotty P's expect you to arrive on time every day. Or something. I have been permitting myself full-scale mad-writer fantasies about social services giving me her baybee because she can't look after it. Me = full-scale bonkers bitch.

Can I join everyone in the not-quite-the-pit-more-of-a-Gloomy-Room? Apologies to those of you who have proper valid reasons for being there.

I feel ever so pre-menstrual . Have got that awful sinking/depressed/impatient/rage feeling. But I have got a spot - do you think I might be pregnant?

Off for my spar treatment. I know I should be happy and cheerful

Allo AiryFairy. Come 'ere for a grope better look. Yeah, looks like a testosterone spot to me innit. How're your tits feeling?

(Incidentally - am I the only BESH that has gone SO menkul they automatically symptom spot even when they know they're not diffulated?! My gums bled this morning. DIFFED! my subconscious shrieked, to deafening applause. Then I remembered I am having a droid. )

Tee hee, that made me chuckle anyway. Tits feel rubbish but no more so than is usual at this sad time. Am very much struggling with whole 35-today-and-no-baybee feeling. I'm going to die alone and be eaten by Alsatians, aren't I? Aren't I everyone?

Oh an 'happy' birthday Ariel - hope against hope it isn't the distant sound of beeping

Oh Aries you daft cow. 'Course you're not gonna be eaten by Alsations. Lonely old women get eaten by their cats; everyone knows that.

Happy Birthday, Aries! Don't worry, you are a mere child compared to some of us crones on here! Am intrigued by your 'spar treatment' - are you going to try to buy some bread and milk from a couple of moody teens in tabards who are studiously ignoring you?

Have a brilliant day and I hope your hurtynorks are just an April Fool

And Head, I have those split seconds of thinking 'Updiff' when my gums are bleeding... during my period. Am also glad you are as mean-spirited and judgeypants as me about lucky differs

Right, off to work! Laterzzz, ma beyatches!

Happy Birthday Aries. Course you won't be eaten by Alsations, cause they don't exist anymore - they call them German Shepherds these days...

Anyhoo, sounds like you have many reasons to eat chocolate and be merry. Early Easter eggs for the birthday girl. I have laid some out on the bare chests of 15 well-toned rugby players for you to enjoy...

*(It's cos the Alsace is now French, innit, but the mutts are Deutsch)

I got the bunny!

no idea how - it came up when I previewed my message. Maybe if we mention Easter?

Easter

nope

Easter eggs

I want me some chocolate Easter eggs ...

chocolate Easter eggs?

arse

Just got one on PESH without mentioning Easter. But chocolate was in there.