30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

[CurlyCasper]

Come in, come in. The wine is mulling, the bird is stuffed and cooked. We have a huge table at which to enjoy our festive feast, and the rippling Ricky Whittle is the centrepiece, draped in berries to be removed by whatever method you choose.

A bottle of Gin and an elf-man in a box awaits each and every one of you. Just make your wish and when you undo the bow he will appear.

There's a nativity tableau in the corner, for praying to the baybee Jebus and, most importantly of all, Santa has been asked to deliver the gift of exceptional fertility, so that each and every BESH can enter the new year with a baybeeee in their tum tum.

Oh, and I've let a few cats in to aid with the 2WOOFL menkulness.

Now, let's get together and get the tree up!

Get the tree up? Was I using the wrong thing to attempt a Christmas conception? Are willies no longer the accepted method?

Heh heh, my last comment on the last Fred was to vote for this name! Oooh, I like the new place -so festive, so cosy! I hope Santa will bring me my giant wooden spoon, hand-whittled by teenage mothers of triplets!

Well, that's one way to make a wooden spoon, I guess, VAG!

Why am I suddenly obsessed with wooden spoons?!

dunno, but I nearly hung some of the wall while decorating the palace. Maybe I'll do some with tartan ribbons, and creat a mobile/candelabra type thing to hang over the table...

New palace! It's beeyotiful!

Scorp Am so menkul that I can't post about it. But take comfort in the knowledge that I, too, am sitting in the corner, pulling attractively glittery and festive straws from my hair, while cradling a cushion and hissing at anyone who tries to take it from me.

BTW Uggs, opaque tights and mini frayed denim skirts are the uniform of the students at my work. (along with floppy, long, silky, swept over fringes and big scarves)

In our house we call ladies of a certain level of muttony 'Kronenbergs' - 16 from the back, 64 from the front

Just had a thought. Perhaps, instead of placing the wooden spoon under your pillow the gentlemen need to jizz into the bowl of the spoon and then insert into their female partner, tipping her upside down to ensure that it all comes off the spoon and doesn't stick to it like syrup, or honey.

Jinxed self. Droid has arrived. Was dreading this happening on Christmas Day itself, tho, so not all bad news.

2010 better be the year of babies. Otherwise I want a refund.

The day TYF tries to shove a wooden spoon up my Inner Sanctum is the day he gets his PS3 worked up his arse.

I wear short dresses and skirts, does this make me a Kronenburg? In my defence, they are cool retro-styled frocks, etc. , not sno-wash denim minis and the like and my legs are my one good feature - well, they're disproportionately long for my body, which has the effect of giving me a munchkin torso, so I have to get 'em out so I don't look like Humpty Dumpty in a wig.

Camel, can I set up a playdate for our cushions? Little Cushette is nearly walking now and can count to 3!

No scorps you have to be well into your 40s closer to 50s (like Homs ex wife, par example), long blonde hair, tight top, etc etc.

Whereas you look boho-chic which can be carried off well into middle age and besides which you look no older than 19.

Camel, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 2009 was rubbish in general, let's look forward to a new decade, one where we are all mothers

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to take Camel over to this corner to seduce comfort her

2010 is definitely going to be the year of baybees camel.

I have my traditional Christmas cold. So along with bleeding everywhere I get to be extra snotty. Lovely. Christmas is going to be so much fun.

Oh Camel that is rubbish news. Have an elbow to the nose. Next year must be year of the BESH baybee... 2009 was indeed shit and I will be glad to see the back of it. Bah....

Hi there, can I join the menkulness? Been reading about your adventures for a while.

I'm just about starting ttc (took last pill yesterday and am way too impatient to do the whole waiting for your cycle to sort itself out thing) and am thinking that gin and random violence is going to be a better way for me to deal with it all than scary looking lists of statistics.

So is there any room in the palace?

Ooh fresh blood! The test! the test! Do the test! You know, the one about the holes and the gin and the lesbian crush!

I took my last pill on New Year's Eve 2008. Ah happy memories. (sooooooo ooooooooooold)

Hi there ocarina. Did anyone bring the quiz over? at reading us for a while - stalker eh? .

Well clearly going off the pill is a bloody stoopid idea. You need to keep taking it, preferably use condoms and according to ski lurk in Tesco or Asda next to "young men". HTF she ever caught a baybee I don't know .

Anyway, welcome and come in, drink some gin or mulled wine (plenty left over from last night - I made 3 litres and only the vicar turned up (tee hee) and get shagging praying to baybee jeezuz.

THE BESHTEST

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. what colour are your walls?

7. Number of pets?

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

9. Lesbian crush?

10. What are your views on camping?

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Afraid you will have to supply your own biro, someone wee'd on it in a gin-fuelled confusion.

Think we scared off newbie honeybadger somewhere half way through the last thread. Whoops.

Anyone still there?

I'm now munching on cookies brought in by my workmate and planning to bake some yummy looking cupcakes with white chocolate butter icing

Just discovered the joys of the Domestic Sluttery website... [glee!]

Oooohhh:

www.domesticsluttery.com/2009/12/cocktail-hour-french-75.html

Tsk I went out for a slow stroll around town & lunch - only to return to find you've already scared off the newbie stalker lurker.

So sorry camel - I really want you to win a baybee soon. Wtf is weewee with her adoption shiz? I bet she's kept all the cute ones for herself.

Curly I am truly shocked about the uniform there - when I went it was jeans & fleece and NO deviations - even make-up was seen as a little risque in those circles. The times they are a-changing!

mmm, I like the sounds of a French 75 - a round over here please David.

Lovely new thread, if I had had a chance to vote, this is the name I would have chosen.

And here is to baybees all round in 2010 - we will be swi between Christmas and New Year.

should read thread really

sorry camel. here's to 2010!
Hope you feel better soon muser and welcome stalker ocarina - are you here to stay?

ski they wear mini dresses on nights out and everything these days. It's a new age altogether!