30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

[CurlyCasper]

Come in, come in. The wine is mulling, the bird is stuffed and cooked. We have a huge table at which to enjoy our festive feast, and the rippling Ricky Whittle is the centrepiece, draped in berries to be removed by whatever method you choose.

A bottle of Gin and an elf-man in a box awaits each and every one of you. Just make your wish and when you undo the bow he will appear.

There's a nativity tableau in the corner, for praying to the baybee Jebus and, most importantly of all, Santa has been asked to deliver the gift of exceptional fertility, so that each and every BESH can enter the new year with a baybeeee in their tum tum.

Oh, and I've let a few cats in to aid with the 2WOOFL menkulness.

Now, let's get together and get the tree up!

Morning BESH's.

Think festive nostalgia has brought me back! Had a fab time in the land of the ladyboy. Not as much of the horizontal tango as I'd have liked due to DP being an arse & getting incredibly sunburnt. I tried to reason that his love stick wasn't sunburnt but in fairness the heat radiating from his shoulders would've made me spontaneously combust. How was Thailand for you VAG?

I seem to have put all this baybee mallarkey into perspective & have relaxed a bit more. I've also - DUN DUN DUN - TOLD SOMEONE IN REAL LIFE! My friend was moaning about her sister losing the plot about trying for her 3rd baby, so in the interest of family harmony I told her it was easy to lose the plot etc etc. She immediately came over armed with wine (!) & demanded the full SWI story.

DP also had results of spunk in a pot test. No real ishoos but slightly lower than average "normal" sperm. So consultant mentioned possibility of me going on clomid to make me super-fertile so DP's lazy abnormal sperm have more chance of reaching the holy land. However, consultant calmly mentioned risk of multiple birth!! Then who knows how or why, both my Nana's mentioned over a pre-Christmas lunch that they have twins on each side of the family. How have I reached 37 without knowing this? So at this rate I may have enough bay-bees to share around & still sell some on ebay!

Anyhoo, last day in the office before the arrival of the big guy with the heavy sacks so better look like I'm working.

Ta-ra,xx

?lo you lot

Have been avoiding y?all for a while I?m afraid... I got a case of the mad last week and realised I need to Calm The Fuck Down. Have been trying to work out why I have ended up getting myself so worked up about getting diffed when I was horrified at the idea at the beginning of the year and still can?t really imagine myself with kids. I think it?s more to do with fear of failing - ie if I can?t have kids it is no longer my decision not to and then what if I suddenly desperately want them but am not able to. Whatever it is, I am managing to turn myself into a lunatic twice a month and that just ain?t helping anything. Sadly I think posting here is making me worse so it?s my new years resolution to try to stay out of the palace. The very idea makes me wanna blub but I feel like I need to get used to the idea that diffing could well take another year so I need to chill out or I?ll end up proper krayzee. I will no doubt still lurk and will be on the other place to keep up with y?all as I genuinely couldn?t leave completely - you?re all just too entertaining and lovely.

An extra headbutt to ginster for good luck. Sorry I wasn?t here to add to the BESH-support - it sounds like a royal nightmare and I really really hope it all works out. I can?t begin to imagine what hell it must be after what you went through earlier in the year

Anyways, I?m off on hols tomorrow so will be offline till Jan so hopefully cold turkey will help quell the addiction. Maybe I?ll take up sniffing glue as a substitute...

A BESHY merry Christmas to one and all and here?s to a fruitful 2010...

Love yers all (god, I am gonna blub!)

xx

Ski - fangsverymush for the thoughts but I'm at the SWI bit at the moment. Impressed with lorryload's potwankin' partner - TSF has become very much more enthused about SWIing since I asked him to go get tested - if he knocks me up he won't have to knock one out for medical research etc. I'm quite enjoying the shagging at the moment, I think this year has been a bit pants for that and I'm in a zen Christmas state of giving myself a rest from the mentalness.

Mostly. Obv.

Lorry Thailand was much nice and decadent and indulgent. You didn't stay at a resort with initials IP did you? - only a very kind couple moved so the four of us could have sunbeds together and I thought "Bet that's Laurie" - but of course couldn't launch at an unsuspecting stranger like that.

It's eery quiet up in Lunnontown - I feel like I've come in on a bank holiday by accident. What time would it be reasonable to send the dept home? (am the most senior person here - argh). 4pm?

Aw wee - know exactly what you mean. As long as you still love us, we won't take it personally at all if you just lurk occasionally. We love to hear your exotic stories though so keep us up to date on not-baby stuff. [nosy fecker emoticon]

Now, get yer ass under thishere mistletoe....

Merry Christmas weewee. Hope sanity prevails. Snogs

Oh weewee I know how you feel. I am trying to avoid the palace as it makes me even more mental. But I am failing cos you is all too lush for me to leave.

I thought having a break until we start the clomid in feb would do me good - give me the chance to relax and enjoy christmas. So far, all its done is make me even more emotional and fuckwitted than ever. [mental bint emoticon]

I need to find ways to ttc without the menkulness (not least because it is worrying TG but more importantly, it is putting him off sticking his winky up my foofoo).

We luvs you Wee. Come 'ere and let me have a festive grope.

Hello all. I must have had a chem updiffment, droid came along yesterday and poas said NO, YOU BARREN FREAK.

I have posted the letter to my womb below as a starting point; Scorps - you and I clearly need to have some serious words with our baybee growing equipment - how shall we move this forward? Maybe a disciplinary hearing?

Private and Confidential

Written Warning

Dear My Womb

It is with sadness that I must give you a formal written warning for your continued poor performance in your role as My Womb.

I had hoped that following our last conversation you would 'up your game' to a standard commensurate with your position; I am disappointed to see you are still not meeting your agreed targets.

I attach for your reference your last performance review, in which we discussed your lack of commitment, poor attitude and inability to be a team player. You will note that you have not yet met your performance objectives for the last quarter, this is really not good enough.

You have been here some time in your current role and are an integral part of the team. I hope you will take this opportunity to re-evaluate what you are looking to achieve in your position as My Womb, and to strive to improve. To assist you in this I have the following suggestions:

1. be a team player, we are more effective when we work together;

2. work to create a more welcoming and hospitable atmosphere around you, nobody likes a negative Nancy;

3. if you feel that you are struggling, persevere - don't give up so fast; and finally and most importantly

4. keep your focus and see your projects through to completion.

I very much hope that this formal written warning will be the end of the matter; however, I feel it is only fair to warn you that failure to improve your performance may result in more drastic action; I would naturally prefer not to take this matter further but if I have to I will seek external assistance.

Yours sincerely

[insert name here]

btw - if anyone who actually works at Mumsnet is watching, I am not really appreciating all the adverts for the portland hospital as somewhere I can have my non-existent baybee. It would be really nice if they would fvck off.

laurie n figgy great to see you both,you've been missed!

wee totally understand. Is fucking hard all this mentallism lark. Thanks so much for the headbutts,and pleeeease keep in touch as we does heart ya.

News from gin's pants - who the fuck knows. No bleeding yet today,but I expect there will be (has been everyday for past week after all.) am just hoping am still pg,and that I am not sooo on santa's naughty list that I am gonna get an un present at Xmas iykwim.

Speaking of Santa,any jack bauer fans here? I have a funny link to post (weak smile emoticon)

anyone up for coming over n helping me with mani today? Is so icy am not sure can leave the house...

Santa and jack

beshie sorry,x posted,or am blind or something. Really sorry about the shitting fucking arse faced bastard twattish cunt of a droid. Am doing swearing for you in case you are at work and being careful.

C'mere and have a cuddle (tho be warned,I may start snivelling...)

ah fanks Gin. If I hadn't have poas early I wouldn't have got the line so I wouldn't have known about the chem updff although would obv still not be too happy about ANOTHER babyfail. Shouldn't be so impatient.

How are things with you? Are you feeling ok? How many weeks are you now?

ps I love swearing but I am shy about doing it at work.

And lovelycamel am sending you smooches.

End of gin's monologue.

besh that's why I did it for you Personally I go into work for the sole purpose of swearing! Have a bit of a rep as a fishwife type Am proud of this.

I'm not great, as have bled on n off everyday for a week,bit scary. Had scan when I was supposedly just past 5 weeks (stupidly early,not ny idea) and nothing showed up,however tests showed my hormone levels were going up well,so it seems was prob even earlier than I thought...

So doc says if bleeding doesn't kick off more hopefully it'll be fine. Is a bit up in the air and I'd like bleeding to stop for good please.

In theory am about 6 weeks. As dates were prob out then I dunno,may be bit less I guess.

To those who know all this shiz,sorry.

ginhag I will be thinking of you and keeping everything crossed. I bled for a couple of days with dd when I was about 8 weeks gone and all was fine.

Oh, btw, dp gave dd one of your xmas cards yesterday (I hadn't told him about the extent of my mnet postings in case he thought I was tragic so it was a coincidence). It's a lovely card about her being naughty to save santa the trouble of having to stop by our house

Beshie - So sorry, hon. Bastard fucking evil droid. It seems to be getting loads of us in time for a truly shite Xmas

Gin - no more bleeding for you is top of my Xmas list. I shall be kidnapping and torturing Santa a la Reservoir Dogs until he agrees

And Weesmell, I don't want you to go Over the last 2 months I've tried to wean myself off here because I didn't know if it fuelled my menkul or not, but then I realised that I was going to be menkul and miserable anyway and might as well bore moan whine get some support on here and lighten the load. Don't be a stranger and be a regular visitor to the other place

Now then, I'm-a gonna group hug you all and there's nowt you can do about it And not forgetting the rest of you

Now then, what do I get in return?

(Too much?)

scorp check the link I posted re interrogating Santa

bessie so sorry about droid. Had high hopes for you. Wanna grope?

weewee I hope my message didn't sound like a quick send off. I don't actually want you to go - but will love still have you about in t'other place.

gin still sending dry pants thoughts...

scorp forgive me if I've missed it, I have looked... are you full on PPing or is it still intermittent? I NEED to know. It bothered me all day yesterday when I wasn't able to get online

I don't feel much in the mood for gropes thanks, Caspar, i'm having full on cramps.

Scorps - sorry about your droid. For sure we deserve updiffment in January.

Have a nice gentle belly rub then, bess and feel better soon.

scropes - an update please, I know you are here somewhere wallowing over your awol pressie...

gin, it will be something like that. Pristine festive gussets for you!

Can someone make me do something? Have got to pack for Xmas holiday with ILs, trek to Royal Mail collection point then Tesco for things MIL has forgot to get in () and do loads of last-min housework, inc. major washing up sesh and cleaning bathroom. But find myself snuggled up at gone 3pm on sofa, still wearing dressing gown and playing Solitaire obsessively on laptop... AAARGH!

For fuck's sake get on with it scorps

P.S thanks for the solitaire idea - I'm sitting here bored out of my skull!

Hello, hello! wee Think we've all been there with palace-menkulism. Am torn between hitting you with sticks and shouting don't leave, don't leave and respecting your need for sanity.

Nah, sticks. Am not grown up enough to do the other.

Scorp how's the gusset today? And you know you just don't want to leave your lovely, cosy flat for Xmas hell. Mmm, dressing gown. Mmm.

Gin, am in Bath, so would happily come and help look after gorgeous Mani. But would mean leaving husband with my parents, and I think he might kill me.

Bessie love the womb letters, hate the droid. Poor you.