To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Night confused!

Am off to bed myself as I have this new baby-shaped alarm clock that's ever so good at its job

Hi

Reading through your posts really struck a memory with me. I'd told DH I was pregnant last year (turned out to be a missed miscarriage) and he reacted with something akin to horror (didn't help I'd woken him at 6am on a Sunday to tell him). I spoke to a cousellor in the end about how confused I was feeling, as he'd reacted so badly/panicking, and She asked how would I feel if he'd been excited and happy about it. Of course I'd have been over the moon. We want them to be as excited as us - but in the end it was more my decision than his.

However as DH got used to the idea he did get more excited and then I was diagnosed with a mmc - he was very upset about it all. However I am now 19 weeks pregnant and DH is once again nervously excited about this - though he's said more than once we can only afford the one.

I came across this thread today. I've definitely gone through this and am the among last of my friends to get pregnant - 16 weeks today.

pawandclaws - thanks for sharing the tips on how to keep a tidy house (and happy child!). That has put my mind at ease. I had been worrying about what I had got myself into. That "would I be happy at 50 without a child" question was exactly the question I asked myself that got me over the TTC or not TTC dilemma earlier this year.

Once decided (though DH wasn't keen and we had been jointly dragging our feet for years, I put my foot down and said we have an obligation to spread our genes ) and after the first 3 months of TTC when we didn't - ahem - get together at the right time (just happened that I had business travel during ovulation), DH got to the stage when he started getting worked up about his plumbing (i.e. why wasn't it working?). Nothing like getting the competitive drive up. 4th month we really went for it before and after ovulation and happily it worked! That was fun, hadn't done that since our first few years together.

Having done the deed (I didn't do any research before since I'd not been pro-baby), I then read about all the pregnancy effects they never tell you about. But you know what, your hair gets shinier, ppl are friendlier, DH is pleased as punch and very attentive (he was never this attentive even when we were first dating!), and even the MS during the 1st trimester has been minimal. So not everything in that things they don't tell you about pregnancy thread happens to everyone. As they said when you were learning to swim - just jump in!

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your lovely posts! They are erring me more and more into the Green Zone... The extra posts for me and HP are really swaying me and I suspect they are for HP too (if I may be so bold and say so!)

MY breaking news is that I spoke to DH about it today, and even better is that he brought it up rather than me - and we were both sober, which is an improvment as we usually have this as a drunken conversation! I was realising mid sentence I was about to quote people I know as 'honeypetal' and 'pawsandclaws' and tell him some of the things you have been telling me when I thankfully realised, just in time, and inserted a friends name instead! I think that was the best tactic for someone wanting to be taken seriously!

In short, he feels the same way as me but is worried sick about the money side. He works freelance and I temp at the moment (looking for permanent but not a lot around, still, I'm working on it!) so that, and the added £40,000 my dad dropped us in the merde for makes things tricky. I pointed out to DH that he was the one who was more confident about 'getting by' if we needed to and he agreed, but it still worries him (as it does me.)

Anyway, before I get in the bath, I just wanted to say that we have decided to go to get the elephant strength folic and acid 'for the time being' and 'see how things go' with regards to both work and money. Oh yes, and he also said he'd 'do it tomorrow' if it wasn't for the cash aspect and I think, as he said it first natch, I would too...

(cant write too much, watching a film with DH in few mins)

Wow Confused, thats pretty big!! How great that DH brought it up and it sounds like it was a really positive discussion. Full on green alert! Its so funny you nearly refered to us as our code-names (I like to pretend we are actually secret agents). Im having to stop myself using the shorthand (TTC, anyone?) in conversation, that would certainly reveal my crazy secret MN stalking.

Many thanks to the posters who left their thoughts and experiences for us to read. It really does help.

As for me? Amber, no sign of green.

Better go. Take care.

Enjoy the film and I'll presume you'll read this tomorrow.
Yes, we are crazy MN stalkers, who have 'friends' whose advice they take to heart (and why not!) but have no idea of these people's names or anything else about them other than they are, unlike us, likely to have children (or are having some in the coming months.) Put like that it sounds ridiculous, but I think it's great (being a novice chatroom lurker, at least those on this one seem to be able to string sentances together and not talk in the dreaded text speak, even if there are a lot of abbreviations.

So, yes it seems 'we' are on green but I also think it is a very pale green, lets not get too carried away. Things would be better with more stable incomes and also no debt (obvious I know) but that will take a long loooong time, and as well as having no patience I don't think putting it off for at least 3 years is a good idea. However, it looks like the financial side of things is really the main issue, if not the only issue as DH seems as keen as I am (in the on and off way frequenters of this thread have either been or are.)

As for you being on Amber - do some of that research (after all, it seems to be a forte of yours!) on childcare etc and cobble together the hard facts. And then get him drunk and sign something....!

Keep me posted!

CHW if you're still there I'm also type 1 and am currently trying to conceive no. 2. The diabetes does throw a lot of spanners in the work and makes it a good deal more stressful than a normal pregnancy. It can be doable though and it's all about making it work for you. I used my first pre-conception appointment to get the obstretic consultatnt to tell me exactly how much wine and diet coke was permitted when pregnant and all the other things people say you shouldn't have. I saw no need to deprive myself when I was already going to be limited on the carb front as the only way I get exemplary control is through low-carb diets. If you want to talk about any of the issues relating to that am happy to do this on board or if you CAT me.

Other than that, it takes a while to come to a decision on it because you know ahead of time the difficulties involved. I had about a year of good control while I considered it in the back of my mind before finally asking for a pre-conception appointment.

Yes, am here! Don't go - will read your thread and back in a sec!

That is really good to hear tigger, thank you.
I have been offered the pre conception stuff and have also been told my control etc is okay anyway but would have to be more careful than others re drinking and other things that would make my levels go up and down. I don't let it bother me usually (what's the point?!) but the pregnancy thing does worry me a bit - after all, it's not just me to consider.

My Hb2 whatsit is 6.5mmol so all good there, and have no eye or kidney issues, but guess a consultation would be good anyway (although makes it all so definate too, in my tiny mind anyway!)

Can I ask you about your control, pregnancies and so on and how they affected you?

Tigger - have been reading your previous posts. Hope you don't find this stalkerlike, but it's good hearing views from another Type 1.

Reading this thread, and your comments - eek

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=childbirth&threadid=537637-being-induced-because-type-1-diab etic-can-i-have-a

Damn, its hot. Im not complaining, but its chuffing boiling here!

So, Confused, pale green? Thats cool! Well, I have to say that you seem to be making much more progress than me. And its great that Tigger has some first-hand advice and experiences for you. Any colour change today? Sunday is a tricky one - the long lie in, the lazy brunch, the post-lunch pub visit....

We are now 7 days post-disasterous discussion. No more has been said. My place of work offer free independent 'counselling' on any subject. Its got so bad Im actually thinking of boooking an appointment. I know its a little dramatic but Im so unhappy both with the situation I find myself in and also my own inability to make decisions that perhaps they can help me. Or maybe thats a daft idea and I just need to get over myself?

Hi HoneyPetal

I said I'd spoken to a cousellor last year when I was feeling confused. It was through my work as well - telephone couselling - it really helped me. It made me realise that I was happy being pregnant and I wanted DH to be as happy as I was however that was't possible (at that time). I think it really is helpful - talkign to someone totally neutral can be very theraputic.

Wow, I'm away for a few days and this thread goes crazy! Wonderful to read all these posts. It's SO nice to read about things that you have experienced but have never discussed with anyone - feels great to 'share' these things. Especially re. HP and Confused's posts - I also am very used to DH grimacing or looking at you meaningfully when a baby screams or children strop, wishing that he would take the initiative, knowing that you'd be much keener if he was keener (feels scary to take responsiblity, but not just this - wanting so much that it's an experience we go into with similar hopes, feel the same about, get through together, basically both WANT as much as one another).

I'm having an amber to red day, having said all that - had my nephew over again, but he was really cranky the whole time this time, and my sister pretty exhausted. Still lovely to see him, and sounds very shallow, but even with a baby I love dearly, was almost glad when he left. Mind you, am utterly utterly exhausted after week of insomnia (very envious of the ability to sleep some of you speak of!), and organizing an enormous party for DH's 40th birthday yesterday, catering for 70, also being woken up at 3.30am by husband after he was out clubbing with his brothers over from Ireland... So the idea of coping with a baby is a lot harder today than usual - and take Pawsandclaws' point about how different it is when it's your own. Also sometimes think when I'm sleeping particularly badly that I might as well have a baby as am going through sleep disruption for nothing at the moment!

Anyway, this sounds terribly grumpy - was a fantastic weekend, even if too exhausted to enjoy it to the very full, and feel very blessed by friends and family. And DH very loving and grateful, even sober today, and insanely so when drunk last night (though he was having to grovel for waking me up!).

Also to Confused - a friend of mine has thalassemia (very serious blood disorder), and is diabetic (don't know if they are related?) and had masses of potential for health problems while pregnant - but had a great pregnancy, wasn't sick, and has a lovely and very healthy daughter. Obviously this means nothing for anyone else's case, but just to say there are positive stories and it can be a very positive experience. Of course you know much more about it than I do but just a thought.

OK, enough for now, but greetings to all and thanks for all your posts - this is a lovely discussion thread!

Can I join this thread???
Because honestly, reading some of your posts, I think I've found my twins!
I'm 32, 33 is creeping up fast, and if you'd asked me 5 years ago, I would have assumed I'd have at least one child by now. Even when I turned 30, I vaguely had 32 as a good time to start. And now 33 is right around the corner, I'm desperate to put TTC off another year or 2 at the very least. But then part of me wonders if that means I just don't want kids full stop...

Like you, LizBaz, I have a nephew who I love so much it hurts - but God, do I like being able to hand him back at the end of the day. Especially if he's been extra hard work. Plus, the part of our very special relationship that I mostly enjoy is the fact that I can be Fun Auntie - not stressed, sleepless, disciplinarian mum. I do like to be popular, and I know that's not always a choice with your own kids! Basically I think I'm too immature in some ways and certainly too selfish to justify having a baby at the moment. I love my life, I have fought very hard for my freedoms from a difficult family, I adore my job and have only just started to do well at it... I love my DH so much that I even worry about the impact on our lives if we have to let another person into it, and a hugely important person...

But then I worry that one day the urge will kick in and it will be too late. I'm already undergoing tests for PCOS which I'm pretty sure I have got, and I have friends who have either struggled to conceive (though all eventually did) or have miscarried frequently thanks to PCOS. DH and I had our first (after 13 years together!!) very open discussion about TTC a few weeks ago and for the first time I think he understood the female fear of leaving it too late...

We agreed we'd leave it for now, as the thought of chucking out the condoms freaks us both out so much. If the PCOS tests are positive, we agreed, then we'd rethink and maybe bring our timetable forward (control freak, moi??) but tbh, if that is the case then we should start TTC in the next few weeks, and I have the feeling I'll always find another reason not to...

Thanks for starting this thread, it's a great one - though I suppose what I really want from it is for someone to give me the answer - should I or shouldn't I - and I know nobody can!!

On a final note, a good friend of mine had her first baby at 38 and is now at 39 pg with her second - she is the happiest, most chilled-out mother I know, having waited until the time was really right and she was in a good place financially (I didn't even touch on my financial concerns in this post!!!) and emotionally. Lucky, lucky woman.

Hi emeraldgirl1 - may we call you emerald? And of course, welcome to the thread! Im sorry to say that after reading your post it seems that you will fit right in around these parts. (The only unwritten rule, though, is STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILDBIRTH THREADS - but we cant seem to resist them!).

Your story could be my story. I felt completely alone until I posted a similar thread month or so ago, and then Confused set up this thread and its been enlightening and cathartic ever since. Despite still having a slight weird feeling hanging around on a conception discussion board on Mumsnet, its been so great to talk to other ladies in the same or similar position to me. I hope the others feel the same! But none of us (yet) have the answers to what the hell we should do for the best.

The swinging between feeling not ready to have babies and then blind panic that time may be running out seems to be a common issue amongst us. I feel that Mother Nature is holding all the cards (and my ovaries) at the moment and I may just be a passenger along for the ride......

Indeed, Honeypetal, you may call me emerald!

Yes, it's a scary twilight world, isn't it...? And easy to feel alone in it - DHs, however fundamentally understanding, aren't all that keen it seems to have the same endless discussion round and round in a loop with no conclusion... friends who have babies take mortal offence (at least mine do) at any suggestion that you might not want to dive headfirst into the world of sleepless nights and baby sick on your clothes... and my single friends who haven't even got a relationship they're happy in yet are blithely unconcerned with all the soul-searching.

It's us control freaks who have otherwise good lives that are the problem!!

Glad to find some like-minded souls, I'm going to take time to read all the posts carefully and freak out at how similar they sound to me!

God, dont read the ones from when we were tired and emotional, or three sheets to the wind!

In vino veritas!!

Oooh, hello HP and a new hello to you Emerald,

Sorry for the lack of Mumsnet lurking the last few days, I have had a few other things going on (in short, my estranged father in Thailand scamming money out of his mother for supposed medical fee's - don't ask it's too long a story!)

It's always good, Emerald, to find like minded souls. However, babies have been the very last thing on my mind with recent events and I am presently quite glad I don't have them! So, as you didn't touch on them in your previous emails, do you have many or any financial issues to also complicate things? Money, I guess, is always an issue to an extent but I suppose it really means to what degree. I know I am happier staying in now than going out, but it's still nice to have disposable income for the likes of meals out / pubs etc if the urge takes. However, I also think, at our ripe old ages, that we are likely to overthink things and think about what we are going to miss out on etc if we have a baby. We are so used to being stuck in our ways that the idea of something unsticking it is scarier than it perhaps need to be.

I have said that me and DH have spoken very recently about this, and maybe taking the next step (the strong folic acid as I am diabetic) but now it seems a bit too weird so I am wanting to drag my feet. But! If DH wanted to drag his feet I'd suddenly want to have a baby ASAP, no doubt at all!

Hi All,

Confused - sorry to hear you are having such a nightmare with your dad. I hope the current situation is being sorted out and your nan's money is safe. x

A girl at work revealed that she is pregnant today. Shes been with her husband and had their entire relationship for less time than DH and I have been married. For some reason that made me feel weird. Anyway, perhaps what Im really envious of is her ability to make the decision and take the plunge!

at the phrase 'something unsticking it'! So true though. Some things are so 'big' they feel....well, too big!

Saying that, am amber-to-green today, despite DH pi**ing me off by saying 'if we get a mortgage and the interest rates rocket, at least we would be able to afford it as we'd have enough spare money to cover it'. So not thinking a huge amount about childcare then.

Anyway, hope all are well, take care.

Hi all - have changed my name (from LB) as posting even more compromising posts on another thread and wanted something my DH would not instantly recognize if he commandeered my computer without me knowing!

Emerald - can I reiterate the welcomes - we are truly like minds on here! I don't know whether I'm an advert for getting on with it (in that I may have left it too late, struggling to conceive now at 37) or not (still dithering myself, despite TTC). Good luck, anyway, and I guess the outcome of the PCOS test might be a clincher. On the one hand it's bad to have things forcing your hand (and obviously hope very much you don't have PCOS - though my friends with it did conceive ok, one naturally, the other with Clomid); on the other, maybe at least it might make a decision now a bit easier. Very best of luck with it all - it's a toughie.

Confused - very sorry to hear about ongoing problems with your father - I feel self-indulgent wittering on here with nothing like these challenges and difficulties. Hope things get a bit (or hopefully a lot) easier soon.

And sorry to hear about the less than positive conversation with DH, HoneyPetal. Glad you're feeling positive about the idea of TTC anyway - good for you. I'm in fertile week so trying to both enjoy that (despite the limited eroticism of TTC sex!) and think positive (feeling fairly safe on the other hand that it probably won't happen anyway if the other four years are anything to go by!).

Hope you all manage a happy Bank Holiday, anyway xx

Hi all!
Thanks for the wellwishing re my dad, the twat. I am currently trying to get enough evidence to prove he has not been in a hospital; there are a lot of holes in his story anyway (why, for instance, is all the corrspondence done via email - very odd to email under such circumstances, and none of the hospitals I have contacted on the island had him listed etc etc.) I have then got to decide whether to tell his mother or not; I have reservations as suspect she may know anyway but is doing the ostrich thing. I am also considering telling my dad, with the proof I have that it's all nonsense, and giving him two weeks till I go and tell her instead - by the way, we're not close, in fact she drives me round the bend. However, this doesn't make anything seem more acceptable.
Decisions, decisions! Hmm, almost better I am still job free as I have too much else going on (just a shame I've no cash to pay for it!)

Needless to say, TTC hasn't cropped up much recently but I am regularly logging on to see if there are any new posts. Will be back into the swing of the 'do I or don't I' once things have calmed down!

Cx

thanks LeviStubbs! And yes, the PCOS test results might at least give me some kind of push one way or the other... though with my Olympic-level dithering, I somehow know that I will find a way just to feel even more deluged with info and freeze!

confused, hope you are not struggling with your parental situation too much, with a nightmare mother myself I do know how this feels... wonder sometimes if one of many reasons I don't know about kids is that I fought so hard to establish a life for myself that did not involve my mum in any meaningful way and I know that if I had a baby I would invariably get pulled back in by her, the way my siblings already have...

Money is not a major issue in the sense that obviously we could afford a baby in most ways, it's just that we do enjoy our (small, but perfectly-formed) disposable income and the freedom it currently gives us...

Hello Ladies, and welcome to the Bank Holiday weekend!

So, what is it with insane parents? I cut all contact with my mother a few years ago after her behaviour went south of unacceptable. Although its sad, I just feel relieved that her poison isnt in my life anymore. My sibs also have to deal with her due to the presence of grandchildren, but I wouldnt in any way want to get drawn back in to her circle of doom. So sympathies to all dealing with shit we dont need from our progenitors!

Emerald - I hope the PCOS tests go ok, fingers crossed all comes back fine. My (possibly wrong?) impression from reading other threads is that with PCOS, often, medical intervention can be of some help with TTC. Let us know how you get on, and feel free to vent anytime.

My only news is that I am having dreams every night about bing pregnant. I suspect its because of checking MN most days, but still, its pretty weird. I do feel slightly on the green end of our traffic light system this week. All I need at the moment is for Pawsandclaws to post and Im a goner...