To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Hi all

I feel so lucky with my parents, who are both great - although torturing me with hopeful looks whenever anything vaguely baby related is mentioned, and wounded looks when I do or say something which reveals I'm not pregnant...

I'm also feeling green lightish now (ironically because a bit rested - perhaps should be cherishing that feeling rather than throwing it away forever by having kids!). Good vibes to us all (if that's what we want) for a way forward, and convincing our feet-dragging DH's/partners...

Hello? Is anyone there? I am tiddly (after my week, you would be - trust me with this one!) and would rather distract myself with baby talk from like minded (ie indecisive) people such as yourselves.....

Im here! May be a bit 'on' and 'off' as DH is lurking.....

Ooh! Very late in the day. Have been busy being self indulgent! C'est la vie, eh!

Got an email today from dickhead father saying he got this terrible illness in Laos, and was 'seeing a doctor in a beach hut' who then suggested he go back to Thailand. This inself wouldn't be credible but... well, look up the Laos on Google - IT IS A LANDLOCKED COUNTRY. Also, he claims, they don't 'admit to tropical diseases due to it affecting tourism.' One simple search on Google turned up numerous sites on 'tropical diseases' - most of them govenment one's. He clearly thinks I am dead from the neck up.
Sorry to rant and sorry to get off subject.

So, how's the babyometers today?

Confused - are you still here? How horrible and awful - the whole situation sounds crazy. Can't believe what you're dealing with at the moment.

My sister is having a terrible time with her son (3 months old) - he's only sleeping 1+1/2hrs at a time at night at the moment, and then will be awake and want feeding for another hour or so - she's going absolutely mad with sleep deprivation. Her DH is away at a conference at the moment too (getting a week's good sleep and in Trieste - I think she wants to kill him!). I know it's (hopefully) only a phase but it does make you think... But Paws and others on here have such a different experience (there's even someone on another thread with twins who says they're very chilled and easier than her first child!). How does one ever know??

Hi All,

Am just surfacing after a great day yesterday at a family event, was up from dawn till midnight so taking it eeeeasy today.

God, Confused, that all sounds awful - poor you having to try and sort it all out. Whenever my mam goes pyscho I have a monastic chant that I repeat over and over again 'I am not responsible for the actions of others'. Doesnt really do much apart from lower the chance of my head exploding. So, feel free to rant, sometimes it helps.

Babyometer. Was surrounded by babies and little 'uns yesterday, have to admit to feeling some strong twinges. I had one two small large glasses of wine and nearly told DH that I was having a hormonal increase in desire to breed, but frankly got too tired and tipsy to do it. Possibly missed a chance there, but after the last Diasterous Disscussion also didnt want to spoil what had been a lovely day. Although one of the little girls at the event had a meltdown, which did make me relieved I didnt have to deal with it. Your poor sister, Levi, must be going out of her mind. Not fun. Not fun at all.

I guess Ill just hang on and see what happens - if the Ometer drops from green to amber/red in the coming days Im back to square one. And, avert eyes for TMI, but Im on my pill-break week next week and usually that is preceded by complete RED status of babyometer, so the current green is unusual.

Anyone else feeling a colour?

Hi all, and sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.
HP - I think I may try out your mantra to also try and stop my head exploding with the recent developments re my dad. DH says we ought to simply ignore him and get on with the rest of our lives (have decided not to bother with telling his mum about him not actually being ill - I think she probably know's anyway but is pretending otherwise.) However, I would like to write an email to him one last time explaining that I know exactly what he is up to and why, and also not to insult my intelligence by telling me such rubbish in the first place. I shall leave with a parting comment about the latest of his friends, I had been trying to track down numbers or contacts for him as was franctially trying to find out where he was last Sunday due to him being so, ahem, ill, who could barely bring herself to speak to me. This because she too had been fed the same other bollocks about me demanding £30,000 weddings and then disinviting him when the cheques had all been written. (He didn't pay and penny, was very rude about ALL of it and - actually, I'll stop there as this could go on forever! Lets just say, it's all rubbish but very hurtful, and easier said than done to rise above when you have people hissing at you that you are such a brat.)

Anyway, back to the task in hand...! I am currently trying to focus back on nicer things so, after some exploration, my Babyometer is a amber / pale green.

To be honest, I think it would have been more of a green before I read the post from Levi about her sister (my brother was similar, didn't sleep through till 2 years old and woke up, on average every 2 to 3 hours - my mother said she nearly smothered him.) I hope things improve for her soon! I suppose these things are usually just phrases and I sincerely hope this is a short lived one!

HP - I think it is a good thing you didn't mention the baby thing to your DH when tipsy, especially after the disasterous discussion. Hypocritical of me to say as I don't think I have ever brought it up sober to my DH, nor he with me, but it's a tricky one as it is. Also, imagine going on about how you were wanting to, him being his usual ambivalent self and then the little girl throwing the wobbler! Talk about bad timing!
Do you have any plans to bring it up again ssoon? It's so frustrating it didn't go well llast time; even a bit better would have been a help - give you both a bit of a step towards the big TTC.

I have another job (temp one) starting on Weds so hopefully it'll take the edge off the cash situation. Phew! Also, DH is getting loads of work in (he's a freelance designer, designs toys) which is also making things look better. (Shame we're still £40k in the red - cheers 'dad, again! What, me bitter?! But, looking on the bright side, things are better than they were cash wise this time two weeks ago.

Oh my dear god.
Babyometer now on a very vivid RED.
(Yup, been at the childbirth sections again and there was this link.)

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/birth_stories.htm

Red. RED. RED!!

Those poor, poor people.

RED.

Doc: 'If you wanted your health you shouldnt have had a baby'

Ive seen enough.

Yup!
beggars belief doesn't it!

So, Im still in shock over those traumatic birth stories. How is everyone else feeling?

Congrats on the new job, Confused, thats great news! And maybe it will turn into something more permanent, you never know.

Babyometer on full on red. Too scared to even go there.

No don't read the birth stories - stick your head in the sand and try and pretend they don't exist - honest its the only thing that works Says me who's 21 weeks pregnant and still feeling scared of the responsbility/money aspect of things.

Hmmm.

Quite.

Still red.

Hi folks,

Have been away for a bit - hope you're all OK, and that things are improving a bit re. your dad, Confused - or that other things are giving you some distraction, at least. Good luck with the pregnancy (and hello!), Liskey - it must be scary, but lots of people (including my mum, who is a very anxious person) say there comes a kind of restfulness, psychologically (obviously not in other ways!), with the inevitability of it all (pregnancy, the early looking after of a baby etc.), and the fact that it all has its own momentum.

On the other hand, I'm still on a reddish light - my sister's situation is getting worse, if anything, and she is having a very bad time at the moment with her son not sleeping. She's always been very capable and competent, and it's scary when she talks about not being able to even brush her hair until 5.30pm... I think this will (hopefully) be the worst of it, though, as she's trying to impose a routine on him, and not go to him immediately, and so of course he's screaming blue murder!

The birth thing is terrifying - I remember friend who literally shudders every time she thinks about the birth of her first child (suggesting that it is a myth to a large extent that one forgets quickly about the worst of it). On the other hand, she has two further daughters now (and is happy), so it didn't put her off completely.

Also, my DH went violently off the idea again this month - can't work out why, quite - and I am just wondering whether it is wise to press ahead at the expense of threatening the relationship. In particular, I don't think he'll give up drinking, or even cut down significantly, which he needs to do (for three months!) to give the IVF the best chance if we do go for it. It sounds selfish, but it is part of his deeper reluctance about the whole thing. If it happened naturally, he'd be ok, I think, but it is going to be hard to have any sort of treatment if I have to drag him kicking and screaming. Sigh.

Hi All,

Good to hear from you Levi. Im sorry to hear about your DHs current change of heart. Its such a tricky one, and IVF is such an emotional and physical rollercoaster (my closest friend went through it, worked 2nd attempt, beautiful baby boy). When I read some of the other TTC threads a lot of the DHs seem really committed and excited, which makes me a bit sad. But everyone is different, and every couple is unique, I guess. Is the drinking going to significantly interfere with the IVF process, or at least his 'contribution' to it (and I hope that the drinking is ok by you, dont want to pry, but are you ok with it?)? I know exactly where you are coming from in the sense of not wanting to push for something that will so massively impact on a happy relationship and maybe risk everything, especially when the decision seems one-sided. But Im still so unsure myself that I cant blame him too much!

Im really gutted about those birth stories. I know lots of women have a positive experience all things weighed up, but the thought of being physically destroyed afterwards is heartbreaking. Maybe these things matter to me so much that I shouldnt take the risk, and shouldnt have a baby.

Anyway, I hope things improve soon for your sister, bless her. It cant last forever. In the meantime, I hope she gets through it with enough time to brush her teeth, if not her hair.

Hi there,

Thanks for the support, HP. I know I'd feel entirely different about it with an excited DH. I do think that he will/would jump on board once it's a reality. It's just getting to that stage. The drinking is a bit of a problem in general and makes me fear for the future - it's not utterly disastrous, but it's certainly well beyond healthy, and it's possible it's decisively bad re. conceiving. But I can't do a thing about it - have talked about this on another thread (probably more than one) but he isn't one to respond to nagging or any sort of pressure. All of which makes him sound a bit of a nightmare - he's fantastic in most ways, loving, generous, great friend, and he is doing very well in a demanding job so there's no worry in that quarter. And I can't really talk, as too often I 'give in' and join him in having a few glasses of wine (which I love too, don't get me wrong) because it's more fun and of course makes me relax about the whole situation. Have been doing this less since TTC, but probably still too much some months. The latter, at least, I can do something about though so should attend to the log in my own eye or whatever that phrase is! Mind you, on my red days, which are still quite frequent, I find it hard not to think what the hell. Yep, am thoroughly messed up!

Anyway, sorry about this long self-absorbed post - it's nice to get this off my chest here. Am going to ring my sister later and am praying things have improved a bit for her. She didn't sound too dead/crazed on her answerphone message!

Hope things are ok with you all. xx

Hi All,

Levi, I cant offer any advice other than an ear to bend (IYKWIM, dont know what the typing/visual equivalent is!). Firstly, I know I too would feel differently with an excited DH, it would feel like an adventure or joint project, rather than what it feels like currently which is a crap no-mans-land. From reading other threads on maximising ones chances of conceiving, I guess the drinking isnt ideal, but its one of those things that you may never know if its having an effect or not, in your particular DHs case. But regardless of fertility, if you feel the level of alcohol is on the other side of healthy, its difficult to know what to do for the best. Most of the current advice seems to be 'cut right back on the stealth drinking' but thats easier said than done if its part of someones life. Im keeping my fingers crossed for you, and post as many long posts as you want.

Speaking of which, where is Confused? I hope you are ok, petal, drop us a line if you want and let us know how things are.

As for me - amber day.

hello, hello, hello! I'm back and this time I am definately more chirpy!

So, where were we....? Ah yes, those bloody birth stories. Hellish aren't they? I have now managed to get over the initial horror and am able to distance myself, to an extent, and say that surely (surely) experiences like that must be rare? Of my friends, one made it sound about as traumatic as having a big poo, another felt horrific but said the baby at the end makes it more than worth it and others say that it was as expected (but not worse.)

Like you HP, I am on an amber today, although it is a pretty pale shade. I am getting really into writing my book and know that distracting myself with baby things would be a bad idea. However, I seem to have now given in, hence I am back on Mumsnet. (I'll use the excuse of being tired for not getting on with my book - pretty true anyway!) Also, I made the mistake of looking up stuff on the net about getting your book published and wished I hadn't (very very hard - won't say more and remind myself) and morale has taken a kicking. Ooops.

Sorry to hear about your sister Levi, it sounds horrendous. A friend of mine had one the other week (baby that is) and said that her baby cries a lot too (but is less than 2 weeks old) and sometimes she feels like she's going to crack up. However, she then also says that she takes one look at the baby and 'just melts.' It must be all in the inner psyche (or something!)

Will post this now as not been on for ages and hopefully one of you might be online...

Im here! Hi Confused, good to hear from you!

Those birth stories have really, realy freaked me out. Call me fussy, but I quite like having control of my bowels.

hey, me too! and my bladder come to think of it.

typing with one hand at the moment so excuse lack of caps.

i still haven't planned to see the diabetic nurse to get the elephant strength folic acid and think i may be putting it off. however, am 35 on friday (!) so need to start thinking more seriously - the diabetic business makes it more tricky, as does age. if i wasn't diabetic it isn't as big a deal. sorry if said this 1000 times already. i think i almost want to be bullied into it as can't take the plunge myself and dh is just as bad.

have you any further plans to bring it up with your dh?

Yes, bladder and bowel control would make it near the top of my list of 'things I would miss if they were gone.' Shudder.

So we have both stalled at Stage 1 of the plan, huh? Well, this is a place of tolerance of the dithering, so all is forgiven. God, its tough though. I think Im going insane, unless Im setting up a nightmarishly complex experiment at work, I almost constantly have baby-thoughts swirling around my head along the lines of 'Do I? Dont I? Do I? Dont I?'

Whats scaring you about the mahusive-folic acid? Is Stage 1 too much? Do we need to come up with Stage 0.5?

No. No more plans to have a discussion with DH. Am feeling very, very emotional at the moment, dont know why. Cant face it. Although I did say to him that I may be feeling a leetle bit broody and he offered to impregnate me on the spot, as he was relieved to have a hint of a decision....either that or he was feeling saucy.....

Feeling saucy i thinkl! Sorry!

Yes, a 0.5 stage would be perfect, if a little unhelpful. It's not that it scares me, as such, but I just don't know if I can be (and I realise how this sounds) arsed. One hand I do, but I want everything else to be in place too (book written and piublished, money in bank etc) and, really, I think that's probably somewhat unrealistic! I think of our lives now and I like it - but there is niggly niggly thing at the back of my mind all the time. This is why I'd love, in theory, the idea of a 'mistake' even though it's not a 'mistake' if I am on MN etc. It's more of a devious decision. I say devious as DH says yes in an ambivalent way too and so I think taking matters into my own hands (not that I would) would make him swing madly into the 'yes' catergory. He has said lots of times he thinks I'd be a fab mum etc but we have too many other issues (not with each other, things are great there) to just take the plunge.

Not sure if that makes sense or not. Hate typing in this little box and then seeing it posted with all the mistakes / badly written. I am meant to be a writer after all (ha ha fucking ha)

Are you having problems with MN - mine keeps crashing and claiming server problems?

Rest assured, I know its not much help, but your post above is pretty much what I would write. Having a baby is hard bloody work, emotionally, physically (!), financially, etc etc, so considering whether you can be arsed or not is a big part of the decision. We are basically fighting Mother Nature here, the draw to reproduce against the draw to own expensive shoes and sleep in at weekends, amongst other things.

(your posts arent badly written, and unless the dreaded DM gets holds of them, only lovely fellow posters will be reading them, so worry not!!).