To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Wow excellent news LST. That is so exciting. I don't know much about the mechanics of IVF, so have lots of questions! My assumption of the process is roughly as follows: You'll have to take drugs to stimulate egg production, then they whip a load of eggs out of you (am not dwelling on how), your DH produces his sample and the two elements meet in the lab. If they succeed in getting some viable zygotes / embryos in the lab, they are then put back into you (again, drawing a slight veil over the process) and hopefully one will latch on and you are on your way to becoming a mummy. Is that right? How long does it take? Does it happen over the course of a regualr cycle? Sorry, I'm being properly nosy, but I find knowing the process helps me understand a little more what you'll be going through. I really really hope it goes well. Keep us updated.

Confused sounds like it was a good appointment. Your description of the 'handsome' consultant made me chuckle. If you ever did get to the baby producing stage, I can imagine it would be quite comforting to be in teh capable hands of an Aunt Agatha type. Interesting that you have mentioned it to your Mum. Makes it all more real and possible once its openly discussed in RL. Lots to think about...

HP how's things? Hope you are having a good weekend and not dwelling too much on possible worst case secenarios.

Suerock what's the latest on your job situation? Hope all's ok with you (and if not, we're here to sympathise).

We are failing somewhat in the pursuit of the first BFP. DH has been working loads and is knackered. I like to get the procreational activity started a few days prior to and after ovulation, cos its an inexact science pinpointing when ovulation occurs, but we have failed abysmally this month. Our sex life hit an all time low on Thursday when DH fell asleep whlst in the act! . The arrival of the weekend has allowed me to finally harvet some seed . Its all romance and passion in the YorkshireTeaDrinking household at the moment!

Right, an afternoon of rugby awaits, I'm off to cheers on Wales.

Hi All,

There seems to be such a lot going on for us all, its hard to know where to start!

I guess I have to start with YTDs DH! Top marks for wearing him out, but its going to be a bit tricky getting to BFP with him fast asleep. I hope he was extremely apologetic once you had woken him up and that he made up for it afterwards . I hope that this turns out to be The Month for you, often people say they get pregnant the month they thought they hadnt done it enough, or they missed the 'right time' etc

Confused - you told your mam? That is quite a green move! I bet she was if you havent spoken about it before. Apart from you ladies, the only other person who knows my baby-thoughts is, well, DH. I think its a really good idea that you went to the appointment after all. How do you feel about her bringing up the time issue? Thats my freak-out trigger, especially when it comes from someone like that, ie with actual knowledge (and a 'handsome' face!). But anyway, I hope you got all the info you need and its helping you to think about it all. Its interesting that you went more towards the green end of our spectrum after the appointment.....

LST - is it sinking in a bit more yet? How exciting. You were worried about it taking months and months, as well, and it turns out to be really soon! Its great but must be a lot to get your head around. How is DH doing?

Suerock - any word on the job front? I notice from your stats that you are viTTC, you may end up with your own cardigan .

And as for me? I have calmed down a bit now, Im still really worried but cant do anything now until I see the consultant. Im a bit nervous about standing in front of people in just my pants (Im having the full body check) but its the least of my worries about all this. Wish it wasnt happening but so many of you seem to know people who have been checked out and have been fine, so the odds are it will turn out to be nothing. But there is always that doubt - what if Im the 1 in 100 or whatever the odds are? Ill be glad when I know whats going on.

Other than that, a further bit of baby news. DH and I had the best chat we have ever had about this whole situation earlier in the week. Really good, in that I think we both understand a bit more about how the other feels. Basically, he doesnt feel ready yet to have a baby, he wants some time just with the two of us, so we can go out, go away for weekends and holidays, and have some fun now that my PhD is done and we have some money. I sort of agree with him, but I pressed the point of time running on and my ovaries not getting any younger. He did finally understand, especially when I explained how all this fits in with my work, so we either do it now (until June) or in 18 months to 2 years. Writing it out, Im not sure now what we finally decided. He said that having a baby is a matter for the heart, not the head, and if I want to have one tomorrow he is on board and we will make it happen.

Since then, all I have done is have dreams about bumps and babies. I can smell them, see the chubby legs, the little clothes and wriggly bump.

But given that he really wants to wait, I dont know what to think. So that, combined with the worry about the hospital thing, meant I was sat last night at 11pm holding my pill in one hand and the folic acid in the other.

I took the pill.

FFS! You took the pill?!

Can't really type as with DH and meant to be making Valentine dinner but will come back when I can, x

[shame emoticon]

[coward emoticon]

[frightened emoticon]

Right, I am back as told DH I 'need' to speak to my 'virtual friends' for a moment (yes, sorry all but that's now how I refer to you all to my DH - he is the only person in RL who know's I am on this site.)

Anyway, HP SP you and this pill business. I think it would be easier to wean you off smack than it is to prise you away from your artificial hormones! Read what you've told us recently - your DH is fine with it, you're fine with it etc etc and it's not like you are going to TTC but still you've gone back on the pill - at the first 'hurdle'! You can go back on it easily enough if you need to, but don't go on it so soon, not after all the umming and ahhing and finally coming to a conclusion! Or, at least, don't just default back to it immediately.

Yes, am writing this in bits and bats but hope I made at least some sense!

You still around...?

yes, Im here

It was three things that moved my hand towards the packet:

1. The failure rate of condoms (1 in 50 with perfect use, compared to 1 in 1000 with the pill - I cant help it, Im a scientist (back me up, Suerock)).
2. The scary thought of an accident and treatment for, well, you know.
3. DH looking a bit sad and saying he wasnt really ready, all things being equal.

Just one more hit, man, I can handle it, Im good for the money, its not too late, Ive only taken one....

On a totally different note, here is a pic of the figurines we did for our friends wedding

I just laughed out loud at the 'one more hit, man' bit and now I have to go and stir fry pak choi....

Can see your points but also think you're being VERY cautious. Right, back shortly as dinner will burn otherwise

But! On reading your posts again, I have to say that your consideration towards your DH is lovely! (Really)

However, re the other stuff, I still think you're being over cautious...

'I'm not one, but half of two' (quote from some film I saw years ago about a Dutch mathematician in the war).

I want DH to be happy, and I'm not sure a child will make him happy

Anyway. I know I am being cautious, but how much caution is too much caution? Can you see now how much of a nightmare I am about deciding things?? Especially this thing.

Feel a bit rubbish.

(ps. I can't see your figurine thingys on the link) x

Ooh HP, I was getting so excited about you coming off the pill. I'm afraid I'm with Confused again on this. Let me summaize the HP_SP story so far:

You and DH have just had a great discussion and been really upfront and honest. Your DH doesn't want kids now (not never, just not yet) you are not proposing TTC now, just coming off the pill and using alternative methods of prevention. The idea being, to give your body a chance to get back to normal. However, as the stats for unplanned pregnancy whilst using condoms are much higher than on the pill, you have been a big cowardy custard and taken the pill.

I think you need further clarity about what you are trying to achieve. The choice is not about being on the pill or TTC, so giving yourself a choice between the prenancy-prevention pill and the pre-pregnancy-preparation pill was a false one. All you are planning to do is swap one form of contraception for another.

I think it is great that you are considering your DH's feelings in all this, but you are two halves of the one whole - how happy will he really be knowing he is the barrier preventing you from getting what you really want, I quote:

"Since then, all I have done is have dreams about bumps and babies. I can smell them, see the chubby legs, the little clothes and wriggly bump."

You are absolutely right, you have other things to worry about right now, so maybe it is right to allow yourself another month on the pill. But no more than that!

And remember, even if you chucked the pills out the window and didn't bother with the wellies, it can take months and years to conceive (evidenced by the very small sample on this thread). And even if you were bristling with eggy fertility and you DH was producing bucket loads of super swimmers, it takes 9 months for the baby to grow. You carry on being just the two of you for that period.

Finally, as I have to go and get on with painting the skirting boards, which is the main reason for me having a day off today, in answer to your last question: "but how much caution is too much caution?". I'd say cautious is 50-1, over cautious needs 100-1.

And I will let you DH have the final word:

"having a baby is a matter for the heart, not the head, and if you want to have one tomorrow I am on board and we will make it happen."

Hello,

I lurk from time to time on this thread as it reminds me of some of the things I wondered about before having my beautiful DS nearly two years ago. I hope you don't mind me nosing in but I've found it really comforting to read some of your worries about whether to ttc or not as I felt some of that too.

I just wanted to say to HoneyPetal that you should do whatever you feel comfortable with and I understand now might not be a brilliant time to ttc but your comment about dreaming about bumps and babies made me think that I think you really are beginning to move towards wanting a baby and if your DH has said he'd be OK with that I think perhaps you should let life lead you for once (once you've got your health worries sorted) and begin the amazing adventure that is ttc and parenting. It doesn't have to start immediately but sometimes, you reach a stage where you're a bit scared of the enormity of it but you just have to jump in the deep end and go with the flow. That's a scary thing to do, but can end up being maybe the best thing you ever do.

I hope you didn't mind me intruding....I'll slope off now

I am now imagining a line up of Scary Ditherers yelling at me 'You haven't just let yourself down, you have let everyone in the class down. Now go and stand in the corner'.

I'm so soooo sorry for being crap. Even Pipoca thinks I'm crap. In my (only) defense, I'm crap and scared.

I'm just leaving work, will post fully and face everyone properly once I am home.

I will have a good long think as I drive home, and think about what I have done.

Hello,
I wanted to post last night but the site was down (argh!) so couldn't.
I am kind of tempted to leave HP SP and the 'pill situation' as it is, as I don't want her to start feeling persecuted! I also think we've said all we can on the subject (until or if HP talks further...)

Oooh, don't forget everyone there's the One Born Every Minute on tonight at 9!

Well, the site let you off the hook lat night HP, but I think taking out the mumsnet servers was a pretty extreme way of avaoiding facing the line up of accusers on here!!

We're not accusing really HP, we just don't want you to miss your opportunity. At times on this thread you can out green even me, so I'm feeling quite confident that we know what your heart wants, even if there are a range of practical barriers and you are scared.

And you are probably right to concentrate on one obstacle at a time and you have what we all confidently predict will be a small hurdle to get over soon (and whilst you are probably worried that it could be a bigger hurdle, there is only a tiny chance of that being the case, remember) and that's probably enough to worry about for now.

So please don't feel persecuted, just mildly chivvied. We only want what's best for you.

(And thanks for chipping in pipoca - its always lovely to hear from those who've taken the plunge and found it all very much worth while)

On a completely different note, my DH made effective repartation over the weekend for falling alseep on the job last Thursday. However, I'm pretty sure its all in vain, as I am becoming convinced that I have some sort of blockage down there (have had random bleeding over the past couple of days, suspect it could be a symptom there of). My mission today is to make an appointment at the docs, so we can get the results of my retest and hopefully get our referral to the fertility unit where proper investigations can commence.

I will be watching One Born Every Minute an hour later on C4+1, as I'm out this evening. I'm not sure how wise it is in my current state of thwarted greenness, but hopefully a bit of birth trauma will go some way to reconciling me to my current apparent barren-ness.

Hi all,

Just a quick one - am away and only limited access to the internet. I´ll write properly about the IVF process soon, YTD, but you´re fairly accurate apart from a first stage before all that when they actually decrease baby-making hormones (´down-regging´) in order to better regulate body´s response to the artificial ones they will put in. All a bit grim, especially egg collection (as you implied!) - opted for a local anaesthetic for that, to be brave, stiff upper lip, my medic mother´s daughter etc, but may actually wimp out and change my mind and go for a general when the time comes as the women at the IVF support group said it was fairly horrendous with a local. Basically if we start at end of March, might have a BFP in mid-May! (I know I´m taking the fun out of this rather re. the thread, the element of surprise over first BFP etc. -although still a HUGE question mark over whether we will have one or not, and YTD (or who knows, someone else?!) may get there first anyway.

On that note good luck with all the baby-making, YTD - rest assured we´ve hit MUCH lower lows than you re. TTC sex and come out of it (for now, at least) fine! (Though we´ll see what a small person does for that, if we manage to make one (or the lab does, rather!)).

You sound pretty positive, confused, and a bit greener than you have for a while. And glad you´ve finally dealt with some competent and helpful health professionals! Hope you feel going to the appts was worthwhile.

I think I´m a bit more with HP on the pill thing - though perhaps as I have moderate cold feet and am projecting my caution/hesitation/reluctance, no longer an option, onto you! But doesn´t sound like you´re ready this minute, and if it would be stressful, given that, to come off, then sounds like the best plan. (Your words about more quality time with DH (or rather his) also make me really wonder what I´m doing! Oh well...) Oh and hope you´re doing OK with the tests - no fun, but will be over soon.

OK, better go but will keep you posted re. my treatment (though will try to save the inevitable IVF-related whinging for a more appropriate thread).

LST xx

LST - feel free to use this thread for any sort of whinging - IVF-related or otherwise. I think we have demonstrated a fairly loose association with the nominal topic of discussion here. I mentioned our TTC failure on the first time frolickers thread as well, and felt quite reassured by the number of responses I got saying 'me too'. Looks like TTC has a detrimental effect on lots of peoples' sex life. Something for HP and Confused to ponder on when succoming to creeping greenness, perhaps?

We are starting to run out of space, as thread limits are capped at 1000 posts, so I have taken the liberty of preparing a new thread for us to continue dithering on.

Click here to go to the new thread.

Just a last? post on this thread...

YTD, think I missed your penultimate post - sorry to hear you think there is some actual problem (and are having a possible symptom of such) - that's hard. At least if it's something specific there are many ways they can help - mostly without having to go quite as far as we are.

Hello pipoca - sorry to miss you on my last post - slightly distracted at the moment as you've probably gathered!

See you on the new thread, folks? x