To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Not too cheeky at all!
Libido went up hugely. I was on Microgynon and I found out that this is a major issue with this particular one - google it and it comes up a lot. My periods came back quickly - can't remember how long but it was something around the normal 28 days and then, as we were thinking about possibly 'trying' I found it immediately went to a regular 27 days. Like clockwork and no longer or heavier than it was before.
I am now back on it, a different one, Cilest or something, but when this packet ends I can't have any more and have to swap for something else. I was put back on as it was only for 3 months till after the triathlon - being diabetic they didn't advise getting pregnant without having the recommended tests. However, now we are not really able to, or sometimes even want to, I don't know what we'll do. (When I came off the pill we used comdoms a few times but most of the time, ahem, withdrew and all was fine - not wholly responsible I realise, but all was fine in the end.
Are you thinking of using the coming off the pill / massive rise in libido link as a selling point?!

Its a possible option!? Ive been on the pill so long I dont remember what Im like off it, but it would be interesting to find out, certainly! I have mentioned the endless sex when TTC to DH, his eyes do light up, bless him.

Am now 5 days PDD (post disasterous discussion). We havent spoken about it since, so I guess we will follow the usual pattern of leaving it for a couple of months, then repeat DD, get back to normal, repeat DD etc etc etc.

But this time I am determined to intervene in the pattern...some decision has to be made, no matter how small. I might ring around some local nurseries and see what the figures really are.

How is everyone else doing?

Hi HP!
Have now got more of the hang of this MN business and hence I have changed my name to something other than my, er, initials (when I registered I didn't really think about actually posting things.)
So, the pill and coming off it. I do indeed think this is possible. I had been on it for years and years and didn't think anything of it - others seem to have problems with the pill, mood swings and so on - but I never did. However, when I got told that I cannot really stay on it for much more I got reading about it (well, contraception in general) and found that a reduction in libido is a very common side effect. When I came off it it really did make a difference, and thankfully other things I wasn't so keen on (eg longer periods) didn't crop up so I was pleased all round.
Great idea to be proactive about your decision making business and calling round nurseries. I was wondering about childcare (ie doing it myself, I used to work in a Montessori nursery) and saw that childminders (registered) seem to earn about £4 an hour - not good if you are considering childminding yourself, but perhaps better if you have the child that needs minding! If you have some solid facts for your DH at least it's something more for you to go on and you can make more informed decisions.
I am currently in a 'wanting to have one asap' mode which is not good (cash again - yawn!) and even the childbirth threads aren't putting me off. Oh oh! Still, give me a few days and I might have a totally different opinion and it may be appealing as, well, childbrith. Who knows! Still, least I am not the only one who dithers and sneaks onto MN!
To let off steam, my DH says he 'doesn't think he can do the kid thing' and then, when on his own in a room with one of my friends, is telling them about a 'scare' we had in April and how he was actually disappointed. Then, when we hear a child having a wobbler in the street, for example, he pulls a face to imply that he / we should thank our lucky stars we don't have that to deal with. I have got into the habit of asking him if he does want to have a family when drunk (I generally seem to want one more then than when sober too) and he usually agree's we could 'try' and then goes off the idea. If I asked him now he'd give an outright 'no' but then I get the impression he actually likes the idea. (Shame the 'accident' scenario isn't really an option!)
Not sure why I typed all that to be honest but it helped to write it down regardless. I think I want him to say 'yes' and then I will and, similar to yourself, I think he only would even initiate it if I did.
Have I just gone round in circles? Hmm, I think I have...

Hi! So I should call you Confused fron now on then!

The whole point of this thread is to go around in circles and write it all down in a fellow-dithery, supportive environment. I know what you mean about the face pulling - if a story comes on the TV about how agonising birth is or how expensive dummies are, DH just looks at me out of the corner of his eyes and kind of pulls this weird face. Thats why Im struggling with his 'Im up for it but only if you are' claims. I wish some hormones or biological urges would get involved, in many ways that would make life easier.

So you had a 'scare' - how did you feel about it? Is that what made you think about TTC? Ive never had anything resembling a 'scare', the closest was recently when I was 12 hours late (I know, but Im like clockwork usually...). Im really good at remembering my pill, I could count on one hand the number of times I have forgotten it. Anyway, so you are feeling baby-tempted today then? Quick - write down your feelings so you can read it on a non-baby-tempted day to see if you can still relate to them.

Im going to get a list of nurseries together. May as well have the cold hard facts at hand.

Hello!
Okay, the 'scare' was when we went away for anniversary and DH said I looked to have a huge bust (normally a distinctly average 34B). This then led onto wondering when last period was (had come off pill and have never been someone who took note of these things, have enough to take note of being diabetic!) so, to put ourselves out of our misery we got a test. Did it together and watched, in a nervous way. Was negative, and we both then felt quite anti-climatic. And then, erm, got drunk.
DH here = back in a sec!

He's gone out now - didn't want him to see screen and notice what I am up to!
Baby tempted - hmm. Okay, I like the idea of the being pregnant bit (which is possibly something, in reality, I would hate) and also think of the post made by the lady calling herself pawsandclaws. I also think I want something more than my cats and dog (much as I love them) and I also, after being adamant all my life I did NOT want children want them because of meeting DH. Before DH they did not appeal in the least.

Oh yes, forgot to add - no, the 'scare' didn't lead onto the TTC at all. We had made a decision to TTC after the triathlon a few months before that, and this was when the triathlon was 4 months away. Now we / I / he has gone off the idea, or seem to on and off. Before that we talked about it a lot, about what we'd do and where we'd go and what it would be like etc. I also got some info from the diabetic nurse but then got a bit irrriated as DH didn't read them for, well, until recently - over 4 months after I brought them home. I inwardly fumed that this didn't bode well but didn't want to nag him into reading them. I think perhaps I was a bit unreasonable at this though as I guess he see's things with a bit less urgency than me (ie I want to research it etc NOW and he, as he's a bloke, thinks why rush as we're not going to do anything about it for months and months.) He has now read the stuff and says, and I admit they make scary reading (disproportionately so, as these things have to be written to cover the whole range of diabetic patients, from the very well controlled to the clueless and in denial) that he 'doesn't want to put me through that.'

Lastly, I am amazed you can time your periods! I have no idea (esp recently as ran two packets together due to triathlon and last period was something of nothing, presume as just started back on pill - BUT NO, IT'S NOTHING TO BUY TESTS ABOUT!!)

There you go! Read that back if your swingometer goes the other way and see how you feel.

If I decide to have a baby it will be 85% down to pawsandclaws. She should work for the Department of Procreation, or something.

oops, crossed posts - I didnt mean re-read your last one!!!

Yes, my periods are very, very prompt. Well, my fake ones, anyway. I know to the hour when the fake-bleed will start. God bless the good ship Pill, and all who sail in her. Im going to miss it a lot once the Feds make me stop taking it due to increasing age or whatever other reason crops up, regardless of if Ive had children or not.

My DH has said that once of the reasons he is being low key is that all the physical things will happen to me and he has no right to ask me to do that. So no wonder your DH was a bit freaked out. Like you say, patient leaflets are always written with the full spectrum in mind, and they always have to put the 'worst case scenario' even if that occurs in 1 in 10,000 people. The fact is that pregnancy and childbirth is a crazy biological event and cant be predicted. Thats why I was so keen on you to check with the medics if you did want to start TTC. But I am a bit of a hypocondriac!

I agree that P&C does have a lot to answer for! It really struck a cord and not an angle I had ever considered before but it explains a lot really.

Yes, the stuff I was given re diabetic mothers went on about potential damage to eyes, kidneys and so on; extra screening to ensure baby is developing and not getting massive, also that their organs are working proerly, my immune system doesn't attack it, likelihood of Csec and / or post birth infections - the list was horrible and endless! However, i am well controlled (have been since diagnosis at 4 years old) and know there are a lot of diabetics who eat / drink what they like which puts massive stress on the body and can be made worse by the stress of pregnancy. I instead put stress on my body a more positive way by getting super fit and doing an Olympic distance triathlon! (and not remotely sporty.)

Where's your babyometer today - in the red or in the green? And, so you too can read back on it, why?
Lastly, is it your DH and the thought of his child that has brought you here or have you always toyed with perhaps having one (pre DH) - hope that make sense, if not due to cooking and typing at same time!

Sorry to but in especially when I am not ttc but am pregnant and have one dc already. But I was being nosy and reading your very sensible posts and thought maybe I should what we did - it may be of some use or none at all.
When I was pregnant with ds - dh was not hugely enthusiastic, anyway we were renting a flat and he was working, when ds was born he quit his job and our lease was up - we were broke - so moved in with his parents while dh started his own business. Not ideal and certainly not much money but it was fine - we managed.
Now 3 years on we own our house or the bank does , but also due to huge problems with my side of family we are 60 grand euros in debt, and I am having number 2.
And we will manage, we still have holidays and go out and have a social life etc, we keep an eye on the budget but we don't watch every penny, and there is still only dh working.

What I am trying to say is money isn't everything and while it should be considered it wasn't for us a deciding factor - as there never is a perfect time to have children.
Apologies for the rambling.

Hey, thanks Timmette - that is actually really helpful. I agree that money isn't everything but it is a frightening aspect, or at least it is for those who don't have DC's to worry about instead!
While we too are skint we still also manage to buy things like wine and occasionally go out (though less so now, but I think that we are also less inclined too - another reason a baby wouldn't be such a bad idea now...?)

Hmmm, you're not in cahoots with PawsandClaws are you?

Hi Timmette, thanks for posting for us. I agree, money definitely isnt everything, but it adds its grubby contribution to the decision mix! I am heartened hearing about people who find themselves managing financially after the arrival of DC. For us its the cost of childcare that strikes fear into our souls, working it out on ballpark figures we would have £50 left at the end of the month, on our combined salaries. Damn you, The TaxMan.

My baby-ometer is on amber today, but it has been red for a couple of days. Maybe the pimpact of the DD. But Ive been back at work and its so timeconsuming and stressful that I cant imagine having to balance a baby and work committments. Not to mention the lack of sleep. In my line of work I could spill something very nasty all over myself!!

To answer your other question, Confused, there is no pre-DH, we met aged 11 and started 'seeing eachother' aged 16. I had a mad baby-craving at about 22, but squished on it so hard that Im scared it wont come back. I thought I always wanted kids, but now it has come to it, find myself troubled. And DH and I didnt talk about it at all, hence the post-wedding shock.

Ha ha haaa! 'Pimpact'! I actually meant impact, but love Pimp-act.

Pimp--act, hmmm. Conjures up entirely different connotations!

Met at 11, blimey! I cannot imagine that. I have been with DH for, erm, nearly 6 years and noone has made me feel even broody before then. In fact, it's all DH's fault I'm here in the first place!

I would have thought the DD would drag you back to red and make you stay there, at least for the time being. Not sure if it creeping up to amber is a good or bad thing.
I think tbe lack of sleep to me may be an even bigger factor to consider than the money situation now I think about it. But I suppose that's where the post by pawsandclaws comes back in. Again.

A couple of my friends have been pregnant in the last year, and from what I can gather Mother Nature starts training you for broken sleep pretty early on by reducing your bladder to the size of a conker from week 3 of gestation. And then there is the heartburn and leg cramps. I got up once during the night for a pee last week and was nearly weeping with the nastiness of it. God, I love my sleep.

Just re-read Pawsandclaws post. Sigh....

Yes, a friend of mine is due any day now and can't remember the last night she slept all the way through. I have always been a good sleeper, my mum used to hold a mirror over my face to check I was alive. Hopefully, any child I have (!) will take after it's mother in that department...

Do many of your friends have kids? I am close to the only one now who doesn't and seeing them with their kids doesn't help with the babyometer (sometimes envious and sometimes thankful!)

Some, not all. In fact, most. We are almost the last, and are definitely the couple who has been together the longest and have not yet taken the plunge. I know everyone is speculating if we are TTC or even if Im already pregnant (how rude), along with DHs family and most of my work colleagues. It doesnt bother me though, and doesnt make me feel any pressure from that direction.

I do like my friends kids, and I love my nieces and nephews, but when we get home and the house is neat and quiet, I dont think about it too much!

The things that 'get' me at the moment are: adverts with dads holding babies, the nursery department of John Lewis, buying newborn clothes (as gifts for friends), beautiful postings by pawsandclaws

Just had an email from a very dear friend of mine who lives in New York and who had a baby 3 weeks ago. She, like me not an overly mumsy type (decided to as she was 39 so had to be now or never) and she said she loves it, even though it's a cliche.
Ahhh...

Thats really sweet, congrats to her! Does make you think...

Rushed that last post as DH came in and didn't want him to see screen (this is getting silly I know!) So, my friend said that it's not a doddle but 'its the kind of life changing experience you'd never change for anything else.' And this from someone who had an appetite for red wine like nobody I'd ever known!

Yes, it does make you think and you know what, I think the good bits must outweigh the bad so much that it's worth all the, er, mess, sleepless nights and leaking and / or stitched up body parts. I think I, and I suspect you, just need a DH to say the very same and not worry about the logistics or the cash and just see what happens. Its just a shame we are saying that to each other but it's a totally different matter saying it to the men in question.

Fcuk. Babyometer is now in green. Bugger.

You are most probably right. If our DHs turned around tomorrow and said 'I really want a baby, lets do it' I think we both know in our hearts what we would do. Sadly the chances of that happening for me are 2% so I have to let go of that whole thing, of the image I had in my head from years ago about how this whole thing would pan out. You know, the rosy pink romantic version.

Im so glad you posted that thread, it helps loads to know that there are at least two of us endlessly raking over this! Especially as we are on a 'conception' thread on MN!?! It does seem an entirely different matter talking to DH, but hopefully we will get there, both of us.

Unless you have abandoned me and rushed off to grab your DH in a mad ruch to conceive in a green moment!!

Nope - am here, but had a bit of a lapse as some friends came over with their beagle we are looking after for the weekend
However, back now.
It's such a bugger about your DH and his indecisiveness. Or is it decisive?
Will post this now so you know I'm still here while i think of my next enlightening and thought provoking post....

Oh, beagle, cute! I love beagles, and Im actually much more of a cat girl than a doggy girl.

Unfortunatly Im the indecisive one, DH is the passive one. Its a nightmare cocktail of faffing and blandness.