To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Hi CHW

Im in the middle of a very similar freak-out (excluding the T1D) and posted a thread along these lines a few weeks ago on this forum. I got some great advice from some lovely people who were very open and generous with their time. I dont know how to post a link directly to the thread, but its called 'How do you know if now is the right time to start TTC?' and is further down the list of threads.

The general theme of the advice (to summarise a lot of information and opinions!) was that it is indeed a big fat scary decision but the sooner you make it the better, as if you go for it TTC can be a challenge.

As someone who is utterly useless at making decisions, I totally understand where you are coming from.

I don't have children yet myself but here's what someone wiser than me said when I asked the same question not too long ago:

There is no way of preparing yourself for the impact a child will have on your life. The most important decision of your life is one you have to make unprepared, unknowledgeable and without evidence of anything useful. Science won't help you here.

Do not worry about costs, changes, planning and analysing.
Do not worry about whether you should have a child or not.
Only worry about one thing -do you want to have a child?

If you know you want one, then go for it, now. You will regret it later if you don't

Controversial, perhaps, but for some reason worked for me, and here I am

Cool - will look that one up (guessing I can via a search.) So, are you TTC now or are you like me, ie dithering?

ps good luck if you now are TTC or have already C'd!

If you go to the 'conception' main talk page and scroll down, its there.

Nope, no decision made as yet, still lots of dithering. Am thinking of coming off the pill to see if I even have functioning ovaries. I have a lot of swirly things swirling in my head about all of this, and MN is a bit of a refuge for me as I cant talk to friends in RL. Too personal, IYKWIM.

ImmaterialGirl - good advice! Realise it's not yours, but forwarding it in the first place is commendable enough!

HoneyPetal - do you think the fact we are on this site al all must be saying something? Perhaps we ought to both heed the advice posted by ImmaterialGirl and see where it takes us. I am also wondering if it is too easy to over think and over analyse and hence putt yourself off. But then, a life filled with school runs, 6 am starts etc etc doesn't apppeal much either.

Am also thinking that the fact that almost all my friends have them makes me feel more like doing it myself, but the reality isn't as appealing.

Can ask how old you guys are?

Of course you can, Im 32.

I know what you mean, surely the fact we are cruising MN and conception threads means something, right? Im big into research, and saw MN as an opportunity for some serious investigation. Ive never made a 'heart' decision in my entire life, its all been 'head' only....

I am the opposite, heart decision and never head. I also have no patience, so once I want to do something I want to do it NOW, not 'wait a few years.' I am 35 - which I may have said but forgot, it's the wine! - and have loads more to do (or at least try to) but also not loads of time, esp with being diabetic. The type of diabetes I have, n case you're not familiar, is the 'juvenile' type, which is not linked to unhealthy lifestyle or similar, just means my pancreas doesn't work. Apparently this can make the whole babymaking thing much tricker and riskier although guess this is relative.
Do many of your friends have kids? Do you think that's a factor (I can't decide!) in the whole thing?
Glad there's someone who can't decide, but is on MN, same as me! I agree it must mean something but obviously not enough to take the plunge!

So many people on MN have told me that the TTC decision is a 'heart' one, as long as you have given at least some consideration to the 'head' stuff, eg finances, relationship status, career etc etc.

My overall feeling when Im a bit low is that I dont know what the hell happened to my twenties, and now that witch Mother Nature is forcing the issue! Your situation is obviously more complex due to the T1D, but Im sure the medics will look after you 100% if you decide to go for it. I have read a lot of posts by people on MN who have underlying health concerns.

Some of my friends have kids, some dont. Im at that stage where friends and relatives are getting pg and having babies but its all new. I love babies but handing them back and then skipping out for a glass of wine is also nice!

I am at a later stage, friend wise - they are mostly all either with their first or now even their second. I think, occassionally at least, this makes a difference.
Ideally I would like to 'see what happens' but as I am diabetic this isn's such a good idea, although not surely the end of the world as surely even diabetics have mistakes??
Me and DH got married a year ago this April, have a top house, a wonderful dog and two lovely cats. However, due to my dad (long story but lets say we are 'no longer in touch') dropping us in the sh't for over £40,000 (yes, really) we are not financially secure despite both having good jobs. This is a big factor, admittedly, but we can't wait for the £40,000 debt to be paid off as will be both in 40's.
As for my twenties - mine passed in a haze of spliff, drugs and wild parties! But now, poss as done it so many times before, it doesn't have the same appeal and a night in being relatively sensible can be just as appealing... Usually anyway!

God, thats awful about the 40k, I am sorry you have that hanging over you. I can see why that would be a factor in your decision, its hard not to feel completely secure.

Perhaps the first step for you (like my 'coming off the pill decision') would be to make an appointment with your doctor/consultant and discuss the situation with your T1D and potentially TTC? Unless you have already done that? It never hurts to have all the information to hand and to alert your 'healthcare professionals' to your current thinking. Baby steps and all that (rubbish pun intended!).

I agree re seeing the consultant etc. We got so far as to speak to the diabetic specialist nurse at my Gp's who gave us loads of print outs. Scared DH to death but didn't really me, as I know my own body and realise these guides also have to include those who haven't the foggiest. Have considered the prescription folic acid and seeing what happens approach but so far haven't taken the plunge - this would also mean watching my diet and especially blood sugar so rather like acting as if you are pregnant even when you are not. So, the ground work has been done but then it has ground to a halt.
I kind of wish we could have a 'mistake' but also don;t want to be in a panic for 9 months about whether I have done any damage! By the way, one last thing, am actually pretty well controlled with diabetes on a day to day basis, it's just having a baby could make things go haywire!
As for the £40k - hmmm....

ps enough about me, what about you...? What are your pro's and con's and why, like me, are you finding it so hard to come to a conclusion? It's great to speak to someone (also a 'neutral person' I don't know in person) about this. Makes it easier somehow...

Morning CHW -Hope you're not feeling last night's wine too much...

Sorry for the post-and-run -ended up wedging on sofa watching crap tv with DP all night

As for your questions -I'm 29. I would happily have left it another couple of years, but DP is a bit older and very keen to 'get going' so to speak.

What I've found is that since making the decision to stop the pill and 'see what happens', I've become increasingly certain that this is what I want, almost to the point of obsessing about it. I'm also rather impatient, but sadly the nature of TTC is one in wich a lot of patience is needed.

As for my advice above, it obviously comes with the caveat that 'only worry about whether you want a baby or not' is not necessarily the right advice to, say, a teenage girl. But it works for someone in their late 20s/early 30s in a stable relationship. I do think we tend to overanalyse and overplan things.

I understand, however, that you are worried about your diabetes. The idea of a 'mistake' is tempting, but I think the worry and panic that you'd done any damage isn't worth it.
In my own humble experience (and I realise this is nothing compared to your health issue), when I first came off the pill I was all 'I'm not changing my life just yet, just seeing what happens' so kept drinking (not heavily but not pregnant-moderatly either), and eating foetus-unfriendly things. Then, when I was coming up for my first period I was racked with guilt and actually relieved when it showed up. This next cycle I've given in to 'officially' TTC and changing my behaviour. So I think there is something to be said for properly making the decision and accepting that, yes, this is what you want.

Not sure if that really helps you, but perhaps just sharing thoughts and experiences is a good thing in itself?

Hmm, this turned it to a rather long post. Sorry for rambling on

Hi,
No, thankfully no hangover! After doing the triathlon (on 2nd Aug) I seem to be making up for lost time in the booze department. Not excessively, mind, but a few glasses of wine almost every night. Ooops!
Anyway, thanks for the advice / info on yourself. It seems as if we are both overanalytical about it all but I suppose, when you get to our age (oh dear, that makes us sound ancient!) you are more stuck in your ways and it seems quite scary to do something that will change things so dramatically.
I particularly paid attention to the stuff you were telling me about the boozing etc and then being actually thankful when you found you weren't pregnant. I think I would be the same. I guess it is also an excellent reason to stop drinking etc and be uber healthy - which can't be a bad thing surely, even if I have just been semi saint like as been training for the triathlon!
The cash situation does bother me too, and I am over worrying perhaps also about the fact that my husband works from home which is not ideal with a noisy baby (it's not a small house, it's a three bed Victorian one, but it's not so big you can really escape) and also about me and work etc. All the usual probably! I guess I am also wondering if I really want to forfiet the relative freedom we have at the moment but that's the overplanning bit again?.

Yes, I am very impatient and also think, once a decision is firmly made, the waiting each month would drive me round the bloody bend! I also would hate to become one of those obsessives who drag their husbands out of work as their temperature has gone up! But can see how easily it can be done?

How long have you been trying? And has it been exciting or stressful?? Still can't imagine actually making that decision 100% but guess I'm starting to come round?

Hi CHW,

Sorry I disappeared last night, I was literally falling asleep on the sofa, so DH packed me off to bed (he doesnt know Im stalking MN, keeping that quiet so he doesnt think Ive gone baby-crazy).

I know what you mean about a 'mistake', Ive considered that such an event would take it out of my hands and force the decision, but my body is so saturated with pill hormones that a mistake is all but impossible. I think in your situation a visit with your specialist would be a good idea, a wander over to the pregnancy threads (only go there with a large glass of wine and a strong stomach!!) reveals that being pregnant is such a physical strain anyway that being as prepared as possible and taking every precaution to look after yourself can only be a good thing.

As for me, I have a combination of factors that come together to leave me struggling (but my own inability to make a decision is the main one!). Ive been pretty career focused for a decade and have worked extremely hard to finish my training, which I did only 18 months ago, so we had no money at all in our twenties. A major issue is my DH, after our wedding we tentatively discussed babies and he revealed that he may never want them. Although I wasnt 100% sure myself it knocked me over - 12 years and he never thought to mention it?? Anyway, since then he has mellowed a lot, and is now very passive, saying 'if you want them, we will have them, but you have to decide'. Great. And then there are all the other things - the financial issue of childcare (I would have to work FT), we live miles from family, we are saving for a deposit to buy a house etc etc. A lot of the same stuff that everyone else has to wrestle with.

You two sound as dithery as me and my DH! He too doesn't know I have been lurking on MN. While we have, of course, discussed things (he is a toy designer and has put samples of toys up in the attic 'just in case') we both seem to swing one way to the other.
We both did, as I keep rabbiting on about, the London triathlon on the 2nd of Aug so are both fit and also pretty healthy. Having a border collie (ie high maintenance, 3 hrs walking a day that kind of thing) we are also generally quite fit. On a more negative side, we also both like a drink (not ridiculously, but more than you should if you are considering starting a family) and being diabetic (yawn!) means we'd have to be extra careful to keep things on an even keel first.
I think, and you have yourself to thank (blamee?) for this that perhaps it is a good idea to get checked out, take the folic acid (need the super high prescribed one as diabetic) and see how things go. I guess, realistically, the occassional slip up wouldn't be too terrible as it's not like we're heavy smokers, druggies etc too. A few of my friends were doing all manner of things in the weeks / days before they found out they were pregnant and their babies where fine (not that I am planning a cocaine bender, by the way! Just for the record!)

As for your DH, I suspect that if you do go for it he may do an about turn and suddenly want 6! I say this as my DH ended up having an 'accident' with a psychotic exgirlfriend which resulted in his son (now 16) being born the day after he finished uni. DH said it was the most amazing eetc thing and there are pics of him holding his son with this look of awe on his face. At least your DH isn't against the idea, but it's a shame you can't decide together more.

The more I think of it, the more I suspect that perhaps the both of us need a boot up the bum otherwwise we could be lurking on this site feeling frauds forever!

Not that I am willig to make the first move, mind, which brings us neatly back to square 1...

ps apologies for the spelling! I can spell I just don't seem too hot at typing properly by the looks of things!

OMG, we could still be here in ten years, umming and ahhing, lamenting the loss of our thirties. Its not a pretty picture.

Ok, perhaps a plan (please feel totally free to ignore!!):

You : go to see your consultant, get the info and any checks you need, start taking mega-folic acid, keep eye on glucose.

Me : tell DH I need his input, go to see GP, ask for preconception check up (as recommended on another thread), start on folic acid, come off pill and buy extra thick condoms/cap/non-hormone contraception.

Too much??

PS. No probs about spellings, I would be stuffed in RL without spellcheck!!

I like your thinking! Better than dithering and, like you say, we'll still be here months later at this rate!

Why is this so much easier to discuss with someone I don't know! It is though, weirdly.
After all, it (the actual getting up the duff bit) could take AGES couldn't it...?

Some friends are coming over in a bit so best go but will be around tomorrow.

Hi, hope you don't mind if I join this thread. Am on another but many of those people, who are lovely otherwise, already have babies or are pregnant so it's not quite where I'm at. This has been a very interesting thread to eavesdrop on - I've been ttc for nearly four years, so obviously in a very different position (from CHW and HP), but feel similar to you both in some ways (though I know I'm mega-lucky not to have health issues (other than being inexplicably infertile) or too many financial worries - at the moment at least). I'm now at the point where I'm contemplating IVF in the next few months, and still - unbelievably - don't know whether I 100% want kids or not. Sometimes I feel bereft at not having any, really broody, really upset when I get my period, really positive about the thought of a family etc. And I'm fascinated by other people's kids and the whole experience of raising them. At other times I love the lack of responsibilities, the adult conversation, the freedom, my great relationship with DH etc. Am also poised on the boundary of a possibly exciting career change, and so think I need and want the time for that, whereas having a baby might keep me in my current job where I'm not 100% happy (though I know I'm lucky to have it).

Anyway, this all sounds very selfish and a bit silly if I've been trying, increasingly seriously, for so long - but it hasn't resolved anything! It's nice to see others feeling similar things. Hope you both get what you want, whatever that works out to be, and of course that you're well through pregnancy CFW.

Sorry, should have been CHW at the end there - too sleepy... And sorry to appear to ignore Immaterialgirl - when you say "here you are" is that ttc? Good luck with that if so!

Hey LizBaz, welcome to our mini-group of indecisive ditherers!

All you say I can relate to, and the fact that you have been trying for 4 years and STILL feel like that makes me think there's no hope for the rest of us! The freedom, adult conversation, lie ins etc etc are all something that I LOVE and would miss enormously, and the bummer is that only actually having a baby would make us know if it is worth forfeiting those things.

Following HP's plan of action, I spoke to DH last night and suggested we perhaps have a talk with the diabetic nurse and maybe make sure things are in order JUST IN CASE. Not that I am planning anything rash but mistakes do happen (although I don't want one to.) I think it is better to be prepared, even if we don't actually take the plunge (as that changes all the time - last night I was all for it, this morning I am not at all.)

Sorry to hear it has been difficult for you to conceive. By 'inexplicably infertile' I take it that you've had to have all manner of tests and things and nothing has shown up? Poor you! Fingers crossed something works out very very soon as it must be so frustrating (or at least frustrating when the Babyometer is in the hot zone and not the cold zone!)

LizBaz -sorry to hear that you're having difficulties. I really hope it works out for you very soon!

I'm very new to this. When I say 'here I am', then, yes, that's TTC. And it's only my first month of officially doing so, after coming off the pill in May. Who knows how long I'll be here?

For me, it's been exciting so far. But when you ask what it's like, TTC, you should probably ask someone more experienced than me. It's been a real eye-opener learning so much about how things work, and this site has been a godsend, but I also remember reading a post here somewhere that first-timers should be banned from reading these boards for at least the first six months of trying as it's bound to freak you out. There might be some truth to that.

Whatever you all end up choosing to do, I wish you the very very best of luck, and hope you get what you want

Hi there,
Yes, if you haven't been trying that long (or haven't started!) don't be put off or worried by these boards - I'm 37 and lots of my friends have started trying around that age or older and conceived very quickly. And there is hardly anyone who didn't get there in the end. I'm the exception among my friends (for better or worse!). Yep, CHW, I had every test in the book, including all sorts of Victorian-sounding STDs (syphilis, anyone?!), and all clear, thankfully. (Not that I thought that I had syphilis, or anything like that, but if you go to a GUM clinic they test you for absolutely everything!) Seem to be ovulating, and DH's sperm ok, if not fantastic, so they can't really work it out. (Sorry if this is all TMI!)

I guess it's hard to make an absolute judgement about whether it is better or worse with kids. There are probably mothers who wish they hadn't, and some who will even (bravely and admirably in my view) admit this, but I guess my view (today - as you say, it could change tomorrow!) is that I've had a lot of non-kid experience and fun by now, and some of it will be available after kids - albeit in a very reduced form! - so I am ready (after a fashion) to try some kid experience. Which probably won't stop me feeling desperate to get back to kid-free state half the time if we do have them!