To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Hmm, where was I? (Just broke up spat between my collie and the beagle over a bone, buried by said beagle last time she was here - DH said it's worse than kids!)

Yup, you hit the nail on the head. I think we do but we are not convinced enough to insist to our DH's we want to. However, if the DH's were very much in the green zone we wouldn't need to discuss it 100 times more just to make sure.

We are both in MN - BY PARENTS FOR PARENTS - saying we are in the 50/50 dept about whether we go for it or not. If we were as unkeen as we said, we'd probably draw the line at reading the Family section of the Guardian and that's it.

I personally worry about cash, work and also how a child would fit into our life. When I think of this in detail it all seems very difficult, but, as has already been said, there is rarely a perfect time to have a baby (if only!) so you could carry on we have been forever.

However, all this is well and good but I don't think it is me and thee we need to convince!

The beagle is cute but a very stubborn little sod too!

I am now not totally sure you are indecisive, I suspect you just want your DH to take the inititive... What do you think?

[adopts crap mockney accent] Its a fair cop, gov.

Seriously, you may well be right. If the DHs switched to green, I think its possible that we would find ourselves mysteriously becoming much more green than red or amber. How have we found ourselves in this situation. Madness!

The devil does indeed seem to be in the details. Thats certainly what Ive been wrestling with for the last couple of years. Between you and me, you are so right, I would love for DH to take the initiative. Is it a bit pathetic to want that? It feels it! How about you - if DH really suddenly wanted to, would you fel relieved?

I tried googling to see if the pill has been linked to suppression of 'urge to reproduce', couldnt find anything apart from a load of nasty propaganda from groups determined to show the pill is evil and woman shouldnt have any right to choose their futures. I think I knew Id find nothing, but one of the posters to my previous thread did say that coming off the pill may reveal feelings either way.

Hope the doggies have stopped scrapping!

Hmmm. news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5082780.stm

Hi, glad you're back! Have been looking at diabetic pregnancies - hence the link.

Yes, if my DH said lets go for it right now, I would. I also think that I would like the feeling that he was really wanting to rather than I was more than he was. Not a control freak but don't want to suddenly come across as baby obsessive, which is why I am pretending to be on Facebook. Again.

Will fink links to libido and the pill and post them, give us a sec

ps why, WHY is this so much easier to discuss with strangers?!

Anecdotal admittedly, but typed in libido and mycrogynon and got these. Halfway through some wine (bottle not box!) so can't be arsed reading the specifics - www.google.co.uk/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4DKUK_enGB320GB320&q=libido+%2c+mic rogynon

DH finished watching tv so going to show him lovely pics of friend in NY's baby and hope for 'correct' response. Watch this space...

Ok. That probably does not make you feel at all good. You would have every right to feel freaked out. I havent read the paper and cant access it at home to have a look at the details right now, but all I can say is that phrases like 'four-times higher risk' need careful examination, as if the risk in the healthy population is very low, then four times that is still low. You would really need to talk to your consultant to really go through this but the two points that really jumped out at me are:

1. She also called for more pre-pregnancy counselling clinics to be established to offer expert advice to women thinking of trying for a child.

- you can force this yourself by booking appointments and being really pushy.

1. A national framework for diabetes has been introduced since the study was carried out.

- studies like this often take years to complete and publish, in which time changes and improvements can be made.

We cross posted again while I was reading the article!

I have the framework if I want it, but I don't want to go without DH and, especially, without DH knowing!

CAn I ask, what do you do for a living? I ask as you are very very logical!

AM confused now to what who is responding to (post wise)

Ok, Im responding to your post 21.13.49.

Im a research scientist, a post doctoral researcher in medical science. Wont say where as I am a bit paranoid that a work colleague might be cruising MN, see my posts and put two and two together!!

I think you would be very wise to activate whatever help is out there for you. You mentioned that DH found it hard to cope with exposing you to the potential risks, which is really understandable, so maybe you should go by yourself at first, then take him when you know more. I dont mean keep it from him, but maybe just ease him in.

(oo-er, that last sentence may look a bit fruity!).

Fair enough re being rumbled! ANd yes, the last sentance kinda looked fruity but know what you mean!

I have considered the going myself for the checks etc and, in some ways, don't mind but guess I have a rose tinted idea of going together and doing it all, like, togevvver...

I think I need to see the diabetic nurse at the docs for a chat. Will call Monday. I also, and I cnfess here, have forgotten to take the pill a few times (literally about twice) and also feel, at least in the back of my mind, I wouldn't mind if we had an accident and all the questions and quandries got taken out of our hands. Hence, AND I DON'T MEAN I AM GOING TO BE SNEAKY - I CANNOT BEAR THAT - I think I might get onto the mega folic acid all the same.

I think I would feel anxious about me if I was my DH I'd feel anxious about him too. Thing is, I have been doing this soooo long that it would be weirder not to. But, obviously, he's not the diabetic one.

Oh no, he's the one, watching me type furiously at 9.30 on a Friday, who thinks I am working on my book...

I know there are a couple of (much younger, incidently) girls at work who may be TTC, so Im a bit nervous about them guessing who I am if they happened to be on MN. Paranoid, moi?

Anyway, back to the point. Of all the things you have told me, I think the fact that you wouldnt mind an accident is very telling indeed. It makes me do a wry smile when I speculate that after all this has come out in the wash, actually DECIDING to go for it may be the hardest part of the whole process. Although Im having Vietnam-style flashbacks to the pregnancy/childbirth threads, so possibly not.

Good plan to call the nurse up. Do you feel any closer to a (hesitates) decision?

I think I do feel closer to a decision, yes, but also sunk the best part of a bottle of wine.
Okay, she says again... we have umpteem reasons not to have a baby. But! We or I have 1 to have one which overpowers everything else.

Will call nurse up as good idea regardless. As you say, the DECIDING is almost more scary, also, I have always snorted with disgust at women who plan an 'accident'.

What is your plan of action? How is the nursery research going?

ps Would be just as paranoid as you, don't worry!

Sweet alcohol, it helps grease the wheels of decision-making. And has probably played an important role in many a pregnancy!

Planning an accident does seem...unseemly. But an accident would force ones hand as well! see, we cant even plan a decent, deceitful, non-accident accident without deliberating.

I had a scoot online at local nurseries. Prices are ranging from £750 to £1100 a month, at first glance. I will ring up the ones closest to work and get the latest figures direct from them. Its a lot of cash, a lot of hard earned cash in anyones book. But nothing is happening on this front until I own a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. I have worked chuffing hard for a decade, before anyone impregnates anyone else, I want to tiptap down the street, red soles flashing.

Im still tempted to discuss with DH coming off the pill. My logic is, if Im knackered in the ovulation department, then all discussions are pointless. But being pill-less may end up in a mini-HP. Some experiments have variables that you cant control.

Hello ladies

Me again...

How are you getting on?

Just to add a few more things. I know I've probably been very lucky, but not all babies cry all the time or are awful sleepers. My DD is now 7 mths and has always been a great sleeper, give or take a few late nights/early mornings. She's slept through since 11 weeks old though, so even if she's up at 5am if we've managed to get to bed at a decent hour you can still get 7 hours in.

As for a neat house, the trick is good storage. I have a big (stylish) storage box in the lounge that I shove all DD's bit and pieces in, so the place isn't bursting with baby stuff all the time and therefore in the evening DH and I get "our" lounge back, it doesn't take a second to chuck everything in the toy box until the next morning.

I have drawer dividers in the nursery so the muslins always live in one section, the vests in another, the socks in another and so on. I have a baby laundry hamper (a wicker basket) in the nursery. The cot has a storage drawer underneath so the sheets and blankets are always in the right place when I need clean ones quickly. The nursery is pretty much self-tidying as a result.

I have had DD on a fairly loose routine from 2 weeks old and it has been the best thing I could have done. DH and I are rested, DD is rested and because she's properly rested, she is completely alert and un-cranky when she's awake. Everyone comments on how happy she is, from strangers to shop assistants to family. She's been to a few big parties and got passed around approximately 40 people at one and everyone got a smile, she didn't cry once. [proud] I thoroughly recommend some sort of routine!

If I had any other advice to give (for future reference of course ) it is involve your DH/DP from day 1. If you learn how to do something, or a new way of doing something for the baby, share it with him straight away. Don't hog the baby even if you are the Mummy and you are breastfeeding. Try to get to the point fairly quickly where you can both do every task equally and competently (bar breast feeding, obviously) from bathing to dressing to entertaining to soothing.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a very long-winded way, is that having a baby doesnt necessarily blow your life to smithereens and put untold pressure on your relationship. You do adapt to the baby but the baby will adapt to you just as much, if you are kind, fair, fun and keep your sense of humour when you are tying to leave the house for the third time when baby does a leaky pooh all over their party outfit.... .

Hi Pawsandclaws, lovely to hear from you. As you probably saw, your last post made quite an impact on us hardered ditherers! Thanks for all the info, if I ever do become a mother I hope that I can acheive what you have acheived. How lovely to have a healthy, happy baby that is thriving due to your care.

The lovely Confused has drunk the best part of a bottle of wine and is already feeling in the green zone of the babyometer - I fear your post may have tipped her over the edge into TTC!!!

Just realised I used the word 'lovely' three times in as many sentences. Apologies for lack of vocab, may have to go to bed before eyes close and I drift away.....

Oh eck! pawsandclaws has done it again!

I think you'd make the most lovely ;-) mother HoneyPetal, given the consideration you're putting into TTC or not TTC - the same sensitivity and careful thought will serve you very well should you take the plunge .

For me, when I was trying to decide when to go for it - I asked myself (aged 33) "Putting aside the next few years, looking into the future do I want to reach 50 not having had (or at least tried for) a baby" and the answer was No.

From that I logically deduced that at some point between then and 50 I would be trying, and the earlier I tried the more time I was giving myself to should there be any problems (there weren't, happily).

I used to look at other mums and wonder how they did it? the organisation, cope with the tiredness, stretch the finances, manage the relationship going from 2 to 3. Now I know that you don't get any instructions, but like having a headlight in the dark, you get just enough light to see you through the next few metres at a time. You don't need to see the whole of the M1 to trust that it leads to London...

would write more but the beagle / collie madness of this evening it making it all tricky.
Till tomorrow...?
x

Till tomorrow. DH away till lunchtime, hence all the posts!
Thanks ladies. Goodnight...zzzz..zzz..