To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Thanks - night! xx

Golly - maybe I need to get a life, but one of the first things that came into my head when I woke up this morning is that Honey-Petal Sparkle-Pants is coming off the pill. And not only that, but NEXT WEEK! I am starting to suspect that she is going to get more and more green, as is her DH, as time goes on. Perhaps even, and this could be pushing it but you never know, towards the point of getting more and more 'relaxed' about things in general and instead of planning houses / jobs and whatnot around the potential TTC. But! Let's not get ahead of ourselves!

I would now add that I just knew the first BFP on this thread would be HP but I think, while that would work better in a book this is RL so I hope to goodness it's LST and YTD...

HP thought of a question for you re T1D - I thought the chances of me passing it onto a child are quite slim (and seem to get less the longer you leave it for some weird reason.) Is this so? It wouldn't put me off as such, but I would obviously prefer not to inflict someone else with it. (The idea of looking after a diabetic child sounds like it could be bloody hard work, and I know that I was that child!)

Hello ladies

Wondered if it was ok to join this thread? I posted a very similar thread this morning (spookily the same title) and a lovely person pointed me in the direction of here! I am not quite sure how to link the thread i started over to this one so I can introduce myself (without having to type the whole shebang out again!) so I will try, if not I will be doing a copy and paste.

here's me

Hi all, hope you are all enjoying a fun Sunday.

It's so funny that I popped into your head this morning, Confused! I still can't believe it, that DH and I Actually Decided Something!!! I only realised when I went to bed after our chat last night that as I had finished a pack on Friday night, I have already taken my last pill. I think technically Tuesday will be CD1 (tee hee), but it won't get into uncharted teritory until next Saturday, when I don't start a new pack . I'm relying on all of you lovely ladies to hold my hand through the next few months, in case I turn into that girl from the exorcist or a horny monster.

I'm not sure what colour I am at the moment, we have had a 'grown-up' kind of weekend of flexibility, shopping and eating in lovely restaurants, which I think swings all of us on here towards amber-red. What I keep thinking is 'how seriously am I taking the not-
ever-having-children option'? If it's not that seriously, then surely getting on with it before my ovaries wither
is the best decision, but if I am considering it as a real option then lots of careful thought is needed (quelle surprise).

I wonder if other people do read this thread and that we are like characters in a book to them. I agree with Confused, I really, really want YTD and LST to get their BFPs. The rest of us are trying to prevent pregnancy, in one way or another, so we are outsiders at best!

Hi lizardqueenie, and welcome to the thread! It's so weird you started one with the same name as this (speaking of which, we are going to need a new thread soon!). Feel free to make yourself comfortable. It's lovely here! You meet me at an excited moment, I am relinquishing control of my body to M. Nature!

I'm thinking about your question, Confused. I don't have any data to hand, but I would say that there is a chance of passing the risk of T1D on, but it is not a foregone conclusion that the end result would be a child with the condition, for all the reasons we discussed last night, in addition to the fact that the baby would have 50% DH genes. Now, if you want the actual risk figures from the published literature, I can get them for you tomorrow, but if you would rather not know, we don't have to look. The simple truth would be that there is a greater chance, but it's not certain. xx

Dear all,

Lots to say - not least wey-hey (sp?), HP, how exciting! That's exciting not just for the fact of it, but also what sounds like a very significant change in the ongoing conversation with DH. Fab news! Good luck with the next few months - it feels like it was a million years ago for me, but I don't remember noticing much when I came off the pill so I'm not sure there is always much impact. Might even be solely positive!

It's slightly weird reading what you say about S, confused - my friend went through all of this, and I remember thinking it very weird when they told her too to eat junk food. I think they just wanted her to put on some weight or maintain her weight (which wasn't going to be easy with what she was going through) and that was the most efficient way. She had anaemia or problematic blood counts once or twice too but they managed to stabilize her without too much problem. Sounds like he's not feeling too bad on it at the moment, anyway, which is really good.

I?m totally with the others on the child in the pub ? outrageous! I?m a bit like Suerock in that I always think that any child I have won?t be like that ? though I guess it?s a bit harder to put that into practice. If I have any influence over them at all, though, I?d like to think they?d be a bit considerate towards others ? though I can almost go the other way, sometimes, and am too accommodating and basically a bit of a doormat, so would have to guard against instilling that into them too if I can help it. I know it will be a minefield either way! But that behaviour (getting back to the incident in question) ? way out of line in my view. Kids these days etc. etc. (me and HP both).

Lots going on in my head (if not much particularly actually happening in TTC terms), which is partly why I've not been on - went to a support group for IVF this week and it was really useful but has put me into a certain amount of turmoil. It all sounded so tough, and the emotional aspect of it particularly - those who had had failed attempts were obviously really suffering and hurt by it all (unsurprisingly). I think they probably wanted it more than I did to start with, but one of them seemed like she'd been a bit more like me to start off with, but then was really gutted and quite shocked when it didn't work. DH continues to be very reluctant indeed about the whole thing, and tries to put me off (not very insistently but enough) occasionally. Anyway, I know this is nothing new but it's another thing to mull over, and it was quite scary to hear directly what it all entails. Thanks for your supportive words in the last emails after my last rant - it's really helpful to know that you'll be here whatever I decide. Meeting with the doctor towards the end of this week so we?ll see how that goes, anyway. (Also had some potentially very scary news about a very close family member - could all turn out to be ok but enough to put me in a bit of a spin.)

Anyway, must head to bed as I?m dropping (7 hr train journey (well train, bus, train, tube, train, bus) back from Wales today!). Should just say welcome, lizardqueenie though! It?s a great thread.

Hi Ladies (and gents?)

I've just found this thread and have had a little read through. Looks like lots of people are considering the same stuff I am - like can we afford it and can we move to a house that would accommodate it?
I desperately want TTC now. I think this is not even a question of head or heart - this is totally down to Hormones. I think if I listen to the head it says 'no you don't want to worry about that stuff now!' But the hormones only shout in response - they don't even use words they just do some kind of primal scream.
I'm 25 and am getting married in 11 months. We have also just come back from travelling so I haven't secured a permanent job yet so really it isn't the best time.
So I may be looking at this from the opposite side to some of you lovely ladies? I want to but is it the right time? I like the idea of being younger parents but I refuse to walk down the aisle looking like a whale (besides I already have a dress that won't accommodate a bump) and my grandmother specifically told me she doesn't like pregnant brides or babies at weddings (funny really as she isn't very conventional usually)
So if anyone has any advice or knows of a way to shut the hormones up then I would be very grateful.
And just to be clear - we're not uneducated, trailer-park dwellers either (people always assume I'm thick when I mention that I want children young - and 25/26 is not like being 16!!!)
frustrating being held to ransom by my body!

Anyway enjoy the rest of your day

Afternoon all,

Welcome lizardqueenie and Tabby2. This is a lovely quiet corner of Mumsnet. As you may have noticed the discussion ebbs and flows somewhat and we like to talk around the subject of TTC or not quite a bit. Ditherers at all stages of (in)decision are welcome.

Tabby2, sounds like Mother nature has snaffled you early. I?m a bit of an conservative old duffer, so I?m with your grandma on the whole pregnant bride thing. Also, your wedding day is a real opportunity to wear a fantastic dress and feel gorgeous (again, I refer you to earlier posts on this thread!) so I would recommend that you hang fire with the TTC and make the most of your wedding day. There are times and seasons for everything, and personally I favour the route of formalising your relationship (via marriage or equivalent) before moving on to the next stage. I know I found the emotional stability that came with being married a contributing factor to starting to feel ready to TTC (or at least NPP). We?d been married a year and in our marital home for 8 months when I ran out of pills and we took the joint decision for me not to bother getting any more (16 months later ? not much has happened!). I think having a certain amount of emotional and financial stability is necessary before you can really commit to TTC. I don?t think you need to wait until you?ve got all your ducks lined up (I?d never be ready if we did that!), but you do need to be in a situation where you feel ready to cope with the huge changes that parenthood entails. So, rather predictably, I would say wait, enjoy the stage of life you are currently going through, get yourself a job (with a decent maternity package ) and start the process of preparing your life for children.

Lizardqueenie sounds like you need some slightly different advice. Re losing weight ? unless you are seriously overweight / obese (e.g. BMI of 30+) then I?d say don?t worry too much about losing weight. Nothing to stop you trying to lose weight whilst TTC (in fact healthy eating / increased exercise can help with TTC) but I wouldn?t say it needs necessarily hold you up. And if nothing else, being pregnant gives you a bloody good excuse to be fat! . Re job, always difficult when TTC. Again, and example from my own experience, we started NPP whilst I was working for an (NHS) organisation that was in the middle of a restructure, so I knew I was going to have to move on. I actually used our wanting to start a family as a motivating factor for getting out earlier as I wanted to be settled into a new job before starting mat leave. We didn?t stop TTC throughout the process of me looking for and starting my new job. But I did make sure I got another NHS job (so T&C are the same) and we are not bursting with fertility, so never really thought we were running much risk of me getting pregnant whilst in the process of switching jobs. Starting TTC does not = getting pregnant immediately. It can take a few months or a few years and there is no way of telling. As TTC is such an inexact science, I don?t advocate putting your life on hold whilst trying. Are you wanting a complete career change? Or would a switch to another part of the civil service suit? Money ? it?s always good to get yourself in a good position financially, but I have outstanding credit card bills and we are ploughing on regardless. I don?t think you need to wait until you are debt free, just know that you can manage your existing debt repayments within a reduced household income.

Possible endometriosis means it might take a wee bit longer. So you might want to start NPP and see what happens? I?m really glad I had several months off the pill whilst not try too hard, as it means that now I?m getting increasing keen (desperate?) to conceive we will go straight to the top of the list for infertility investigations. But TTC is not an exact science and you might start thinking its going to take ages and then conceive immediately!

LST you may have explained this previously and I have forgotten / missed that post, but what other interventions have you had? Have you tried IUI, or have you gone straight to IVF? I have been reading around the subject in preparation for what may lie ahead and am expecting to be steered towards IUI (depending on what they find following correct blood tests / internal exam), so was just wondering what the process is for getting towards IVF. It?s a big scary level of intervention with IVF, so I?m not surprised you are apprehensive. I think you would do well to hang onto some TTC ambivalence as much as possible. The thing that worries me most about the whole TTC and not being able to C is getting desperate for a child and not being able to. This is why this thread is such a good place to be ? reminds me that kid-lessness is a viable alternative! You know we are always here to be vented at.

Confused lol at your first thought yesterday being of HP-SP being pill-less! HP I am still excited by the momentous step forward. I have joined Suerock with preparatory knitting. I have done a few scarves over the past year, but this weekend I moved on from blanket stitch on large needles and tried rib stitch and decreasing on 3.75mm needles. I am knitting for my best friends baby, due in 11 weeks time, and so far have done a pair of bootees, a hat and a pair of scratch mitts. I?m not quite up to cardigan standard yet though.

Right, best crack on - I am supposed to be doing some work now!

Bloody hell, that was a monster post! I am worn out with the effort and may need to go for lunch now!

Lizardqueenie and Tabby2 hello and welcome to the ditherers group! I did glance at your previous post, Lizardqueenie the other day but was in the middle of something so didn't have chance to reply (would have wanted to do properly rather than rushed something off.)And yes, how spooky that your thread had almost the same name! I've just read your post again and it looks like you have similar worries (even if only vaguely) to the rest of us. I think, and this is the bit that I struggle with, you need to work out if the good bits of becoming a parent will outweigh the bad. I know people say that you'll 'manage' and 'cope' re things like money when you have a little one but I am not sure if just 'coping' and 'managing' is what I want to do. Do you find yourself in a similar quandry? I guess time is on your side too, but could be made tricker with the endometriosis...? Dilemma! If you knew how long it was going to take to get pregant it would make a hell of a difference wouldn't it?! As for the weight loss side of things, join the club! I much prefer the idea of being at least a stone lighter before I, er, make myself considerably fatter but that seems to be easier said than done! However, TTC or not is a good incentive to start watching your diet more / aiming for 6 a day etc etc and that should get some pounds off.

Tabby2 you sound about as patient as me! I am in a different place to you re kids though, I've never really wanted them until now and now wonder if I'll regret it if I don't rather than have come over super broody. However, you do have time on your side (big time although granted you're hardly just out of school either!) and it seems as if you have a lot of things to fit in (your wedding for example!) before the TTC (you may never get round to it otherwise!) Pregnant brides and whether it's a good or bad look doesn't really enter my mind, however I did say to a friend recently said she'd be happy to start trying a few months before her wedding I think with the potential for it ruining your wedding day is quite large. (Chronic tiredness, morning sickness, massive boobs and so on!) Eleven months isn't that long anyway, it'll fly by. And, you could always get cracking on a honeymoon baby if you've got the permanent job etc by then too

I don't know, really, YTD, why we seem to have been fast-tracked (well, hardly that - it's been more than a year since I first went to the doc about FTC!) but have gone 'straight' to IVF (if we ever get there...). Perhaps it may turn out to be IUI when it comes to it, but at the same clinic. I've been thinking about it, and would actually be a lot happier, I think, if we tried this first. On the other hand, time is running out a bit in terms of getting the free IVF on the NHS so there may be some pressure to have it while it's available as the specialist seemed to think that was so much the most likely thing to work. Not that the money should be a factor, but I'm afraid it is a little bit - not least reluctant DH getting even more reluctant if we have to pay ourselves...

Welcome Tabby2 as well! I don't have much I can say as I've never been broody in that hormonal, physical sense, I don't think - that's partly why I'm on this thread dithering on all the time! In one sense I'm an argument for not putting it off (in that I've been TTC for more than four years with no success, now 37). But you're so young - putting it off 11 months (most people wouldn't even see this as putting it off!) can't be a big deal. I'd say you could wait until then, and perhaps until you've got the job you want too - but I'm not exactly a great guru on this conceiving lark, as is evident! But if you're finding it hard but want to wait, just spend some time with mums with young kids and think about all the things you can do that they can't! Whatever happens to me now, I'm glad I've had some very happy years with my DH just the two of us, and made some good, long-lasting friendships which have matured over the years. (God, I sound ancient (and maudlin)!)

LST you old codger! I agree with what you're saying though, so does that make me an old codger too? I suppose Tabby2 has got the broody bug which we are, on and off to varying degree's, lacking in so none of us are going to emphathise properly (or at least not a lot!) When I was 26 I couldn't think of anything worse (I occassionally still can't!) and used to pity the few friends I had (much older) who had little one's. I guess we are all different and do things at different rates and have different priorities blah blah blah but I personally feel as if you (well, I) need to get all the partying / travelling and other things that babies hinder weeeeell before you TTC. I would hate to resent the fact that everyone else was going out and I couldn't. I do realise, Tabby2, that you are not that young but I can only relate how I felt at that age, hence the waffle. I now am (nearly) at a stage where staying in is preferable to going out and so on, but that's a bit hit and miss at times too (I'm 35 in case you were wondering.)

Shit, I hope we aren't coming across as patronising... Sometimes things are tricky to get across when written in like this (esp when you don't know the people you're writing to!)

Oooh, I think this may be stating the obvious, but have you (particularly YTD and LST) seen the thread on acupuncture...? I had acupuncture for a problem I had with my hip and it's amazing. Obviously, I have no idea what it's like when you're TTC but it looks promising (if you've not considered or tried it already.)

Thanks YTD, confused and LST!

I think you helped me confirm what the head was telling me! That in itself will help surpress the hormones!
It's definitely the best choice for our living situation and not having to worry about anyone else on our wedding day/honeymoon. We went to look at the venue the other day and they showed us the honeymoon suite all set up for a wedding that day. There was a portacot in the corner and I found that a little disturbing and shocking how naive am I?!

And honeypetal it is a little like reading a book - it's a little window into the lives of others somewhat like a novel

Anyway I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day and thanks again for the perspective! I would like to pop in here from time to time and remind myself of my choice (to keep the hormones quiet)if that's ok with everyone?

Of course it's okay - see you next time!

Ohh, am I too late for advice-giving? Hi Tabby2! So, I see you are tending towards waiting a while? I think that's a great decision, while of course it's up to you what direction to take your life, I totally agree with eveything the other members of this coven group have said. However, if you are still here, please forgive me and let me pass on some things I've learnt in the last few years.

If you think you want a family:

1. Talk talk talk to your DH. I can't emphasise this enough.
2. Make financial plans. By this, I mean reduce any debts as much as possible and then pour as much cash as you can into a savings account. Like it or not, having a baby is a beautiful, emotional but expensive choice!! And decisions come easier with money in the bank.
3. Have tonnes and tonnes of fun in the meantime. Enjoy your wedding, going out, lieins, holidays, everything. Tap dance across Sydney Harbor Bridge - I wish I had when I was there!

What I also found so interesting about Tabby2s post was the reference to the primal hormones. That, right there, is what bothers me about how I feel about all this. Where are my hormones? Where?? Anyone
else?

LST - you should push for whatever treatment makes you comfortable. How did it go with DH after the IVF meeting?

I'd better go, can't keep my eyes open. But, should be CD1 tomorrow! Eek!

Evening all and thanks for everyones warm welcome I am just trying to catch up and read through the last few threads to see where everyone is at.

Honeypetal love the sound of "relinquishing to nature", very exciting.

LST sounds like you have had a loooong journey today so thanks for saying hi before logging off.

Hey Tabby2 I am new to this too. Are any of your friends ttc/ already have children? at the moment my friends are fairly split 50/50 ranging from those girls who haven't met anyone particularly special and are still spending evenings out clubbing & those who are on their 2nd or 3rd baby!

Hello YTD (love your name btw!) thanks for your advice re weight & healthy eating. I have decided that it is something that I need to tackle anyway, its about getting and staying healthy rather than going on some cabbage soup diet, so its good to start as you mean to go on, and if I C on the way then all well and good

confused thanks for your post too...things have moved along slightly since I posted at the weekend. After ages of dithering we have now decided to be slightly less dithery (I actually went and bought pre-conception vits at lunchtime despite the fact it was tipping down with snow in C. London!)

So what we have decided is"
Weightloss/ Healthy eating: both me and dh need to loose some weight, so we will just get on with doing it. its important we do it whether we are trying or not and its not like we are going to opt to do some starvation type diet so healthy habits will only help for the future. Also not going to start going nuts at the gym but will swim more regularly.

Work & money: got really peeved with my job recently however, I do realise in terms of maternity leave etc there prob wont be a better job than civil servant so I should see that as a benefit. Money - we arent rich & we arent poor. We spend too much money on rubbish life's little luxuries so its not like if we have a baby we wont be able to eat/ pay mortgage.

Endometriosis: yeah thats a bugger. Not really sure how it will affect things. very unpredictable but I know that eating healthy and losing some podge does help from a hormonal point of view.

Sorry to go on! Anyway so we have our vits, (should be taking these for a while before we ttc tho) have sorted our heads but now dh has a bad back so there won't be many "practical" (ahem) lessons until thats sorted

Have a lovely evening

Evening all,

Hope the advice was helpful Tabby. I guess we are coming at this from quite a different angle to you, given that none of us here have been attacked by hormonal urges to the extent that you have been. But the advice seems to be make the most of where you are now and prepare your life to receive kids. Don't go for it until you are sure, as you do have teh luxary of time.

Confused I have seen the acupuncture thread. I have been considering it as part of my preparation for intervention. I'm a bit wary of needles though and have been thinking of trying reflexolgy instead. I think there is a strong case for try complementary therapies (as long as they remain complementary, not alternative) alongside mainstream clinical interventions. I think I'll wait and find out what the results from my blood tests are like and see what they uncover once we get our referal to the fertility clinic and can start further investigations.

I strongly suspect that I may have some sort of blockage which, aligned with DH's bog eyed swimmers, might be causing the problem, if that is the case, then accupuncture might be helpful. I think I need to do a literature search and find out if there's much evidence for its effectiveness (other than annecdotal evidence on MumsNet!)

LST its a bit funny that they have fast tracked you to IVF without trying the cheaper, less intensive interventions first. Have they given you a clinical reason, or is it primarily to get you in before the deadline? Have you considered trying something like accupuncture? If you end up having to wait another 6 months to get IVF maybe you could try complementary therapies in the interim and use the time to get your body in optimal condition to give the IVF the best chance of succeeding?

HP I thhink your hormones have been drifting accross this thread on many occasions throughout the past few months. Go back and read PawsandClaws earlier posts and monitor the surge!

lizardqueenie sounds like you have made some good decisions. Welcome to the TTC club. Don't worry, indecision and changes of mind are allowed, especially here.

I think TTC will probably help with the weight loss. The longer we've gone on, the more I have started to seriously consider making lifestyle changes. I haven't gone mad, but have upped by veg intake, decreased my booze intake and started going to pilates. Although I am on my second glass of wine, and have eaten a packet of malteesers tonight, so am not exactly treating my body like a temple at the moment!

Hey - I'm still here HoneyPetal and thanks for your advice! The more the better I think

Yea the hormonal aspect has been quite shocking and has only been in the last 18 months that I've really felt their effect!

I think this might be a hereditary thing. My Mum speaks of the same thing and my grandmother on mums side has mentioned it before. It is good as it makes the decision for me - I will have kids. But it really is unpleasant being held to ransom by my body (something I like to believe I'm able to control)

We have one couple of friends (does that make sense - one couple who are friends...) Who have a 2 year old and are trying for another now. And the envy I feel always takes me by surprise and also how much I enjoy hanging out with them and doing kid stuff (well some of it). But the majority of my girly friends are unattached (in varying degrees of happiness) so there are still lots of people to do town and drinking and dinner with etc!

Hehe I've just realised that you guys are in the UK yea? All of you? I know Lizardqueenie is as she just mentioned London
I'm in New Zealand so it's only lunch time here

Have a nice night and catch you next time

Ladies.

In the strange code of MN:

HoneyPetal (n)TTC UCL? CD1

HP how very mysterious! I have seen this strange foreign language before but can't remember what it actually means - please enlighten me!

From what I can gather from the pro-creating threads...

Name
Trying To Conceive child number (I put notTTC, obviously!)
Usual Cycle Length
Cycle Day 'x' where 1 = first day of bleeding.

It was the CD part that I was a little bit excited about, as even though Im on my usual withdrawal bleed it is The First Day of a Real Cycle.

TMI?

No, not too much info! After all, I did ask!

Is anyone going to watch that programme on channel 4 tonight, One Born Every Minute? I am (not sure if it will make me go off the idea or get into it...)

I was going to, or at least definitely Sky+ it if it proves too much for DH.

Im not sure anything could make us more put off than we are already , so bring it on....