To TTC or not to TTC, that is the question... as Hamlet sort of said about something else entirely

[CHW]

Hi,
Had few glasses of wine and have spent large part of the evening on this site. I am in two minds about a baby - or really, at the age of 35 (but Type 1 diabetic which can complicate thingss) and really ought to make a decision about whether to have a family or not.
I worry about cost, the changes it will make to our lives and, well, if I am actually just happy as I am. Me and DH discussed going for it, so to speak, sometime after the start of Aug (as did the London Triathlon before then so couldn't before then) and decided we would once the triathlon was out the way. Now it is and we are both stalling. But it is playing on both our minds - in the do we, or don't we way.

My babyometer keeps going haywire - any tips or things for me to also consider which may help us make a decision. I am also wondering if we are simply analysing things too much but beeing diabetic makes things more complicated (ie they need to be planned, in an ideal world at least.) Any help or food for thoughts would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

Oh, I meant 'eat, then watch a bit of telly to relax with DH'. My brevity may have made it look like watching tv was on my list of exciting things I must do today!

Hi HP, Sorry for not saying earlier (this is what happens when you read a post and then post a reply some time after) sorry to hear about putting the house buying on hold. I guess it is better to wait with these things until things are rather more permanent (the idea of buying somewhere but then having a massive commute every day would be horrible, for me at least.)

Yes, the book I was going to do (this) is indeed a morale booster rather than anything more gloomy but it's amazing the mixed response it has had. It's been really quite upsetting at times, I have to say, and has also made me feel like an utter chump too. I guess things like this can bring out very different feelings in people and that too can cause a big range of responses. The thing is, he would love it and isn't that what's important?! Anyway, it's not you, HP SP, I have to convince.

I am working part time (mornings only) from next week - long story, not very interesting - so will be around then but not, alas, tomorrow. I am also having to be careful with internet at work so can't really post at all. However, tonight I am here if anyone else is and it would be nice to 'chat' while I am making my fimo beagles, spaniels and bride and groom...

Yeah, my commute is already 45 mins, I couldn't cope with much more! We decided to keep our options open and wait and see basically. I am a bit sad, I really want a house of our own, but my concerns (and DHs) were too great. There goes my nursery.....

Oooo, are you making things out of icing? I would LOVE to learn how to do that!

Not icing, Fimo - this

Back shortly. just making some floppy ears

Ah, I know the stuff! You must be good with your hands to make those little models.

Arse. I've lost the memory card with the pics of one of the spaniels on (the one that's tri coloured ) and I know this one has brown on her face, but not sure if it's just eyebrows. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

I am goodish with my hands, but could be better. I have actually been commissioned for these things a couple of times and would love to do more (and not have to work in an office!) but def need more practice. This is for a wedding pressie for some friends of ours (the one with the beagle I've looked after a few times.) It's their wedding on Saturday. Making the dogs as it's far easier than making the heads, which I'll save for tomorrow night!

Just going to take first spaniel out of oven...

I prefer them grilled, myself

If I could think of something I could do to set up my own business, I would do it. It's pretty hard to set up your own lab without half a million pounds and a university contract!

yes, I imagine it is! Not really a work from home scenario either, I imagine!

Evening all,

Just dropping by to say hello. Head is in a bit of a mess over the whole baby thing - red or green doesn't seem to matter but timing is suddenly getting a whole load more critical (job looks like it might be about to disappear in the next year or so, on top of wizening ovaries ). Sigh....

Getting late so will reply to other posts another time - but just sending to those of you who are a bit down at the moment.

Oh no, Suerock, what a bugger! Hug to you too!
Off to bed now as well past my bedtime (yes, I am very rock and roll since you asked) but will post tomorrow or the day after. Feel like it's been aaaaaaages!

Night all xxx

Oh Suerock, what a nightmare (seems like we are in the same rubbish boat, here's a paddle and a life-jacket, I'll budge up on the bench). Its so stressful - has it come out of the blue or is this the first you are hearing about it?

My life is all about timings at the moment as well, the job/career/house/baby issues seem to be completely at odds with eachother. As I said, Im getting a bit frantic and upset about it all. So far, its a big thumbs down to my early thirties!

Right ladies. We have two options:

1. Throw the contraceptives into a big pile and throw a match on them ( Confused). I call this the 'Que sera sera' plan.
2. Forget all about babies, buy a Chanel handbag and go on a month long holiday to [insert glamerous and fabulous location here].

Now, I accept both options are a bit extreme, but they do have the advantage of being able to be selected by the flick of a coin....

I call 'heads'...

(obviously remove the 'or' from the 'has it come out of the blue or is this the first you are hearing about it?'. Silly HP-SP).

Confused i can't believe people would get upset about that. well i guess you could make him up a scrapbook with lots of random clippings, photos, quotes and stuff like that that you know he'll enjoy, and you could go ahead with the Bob Books idea anyway (which for the record i think is fabulous!) or here are some ideas for you- making a chunky book and
making a booklet.so screw the ones who get aggressive about someone else's thoughtfulness.
Suerock - tell me about it!!
everyone seems to be having a bit of a bugger-all time. i can only add my two bits here to say, me too, am going through a rough patch (unrelated to my relationship with DH- that would be the first assumption i suppose!), which is why i havent been posting for some days now.
side by side with the lows and the crap, have been lusting after some fabulous sites with REALLY expensive stuff like the stuff on this site. there's a whole subculture and i am tapping into it by haunting all these sites, checking out the sales (and not buying anything!) a girl can dream.
oh and bought my first onesie ever in a fit of maniacal greenness whilst out on sale (sneaked past family to inconspicuously buy)- £2, on sale. didnt think it wise to spend more than £2 at this point on somehting like THAT.
whilst i am in depressive mode let me share this horrible depressive article- though you have got to love the NHS for leaping into the breach with their article on the scare mongering here.

so low
thanks for sticking around to read all this.
can't really confide in anyone in RL at the mo.

Seagreen - you can post any thoughts on here, thats what this thread is for! If long freak-outs were banned I would have had to stop posting a while ago!! I too am on my own in RL, no-one to talk to, so you lot are my life-line!

OMG, that Telegraph article is horrendous. What a pile of women hating crap. They have taken the results of a study (based on mathematical modelling) and the so-called science correspondant has written, in my opinion, an article basically going 'ha haaa, see, you women, its all your fault, leave it too late (30+) and you are screwed.' Now, the data are the data, but I have a huge problem with the way it is presentation of it. As we all know, age affects fertility (otherwise we wouldnt all be here thinking maybe I should get on with it if Im going to do it), but where were the men in that article? The last time I checked, both genders are needed for conception, but its not written that 'couples should decide to have a family earlier' its always 'women are leaving it too late'. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Thank goodness the NHS waded in and put some reason into the discussion.

(as you all know, I may have a slight issue with DH on this subject, which may explain why Im so pissed off!!)

Ok, in the time since I posted (above) DH and I have co-incidently had another row about having a baby. All the stuff about 'its your decision, I will be happy either way' is just rubbish. I frankly dont believe him. One negative comment too many.

Im off to check out the Chanel website....

Ooooh, Chanel! Actually, I think I'd go more for something from, perhaps, Alice Temperley or, at a push, Chloe.

Off to take the dog out but will be back and have a look at SeaGreen's links then

Am hiding in the bedroom pretending to dry my hair as I don't want him to see how red my eyes are - it would just spark another row, or at least discussion that I don't want.

The nub of it seems to be that while I am undecided what to do for the best, I can see both the negatives and the positives to having a baby. He can only see, or rather feel, the negatives. He is prepared to go along with any scheme I want, but only because he is scared I will leave him if I decide I want a baby and he refuses.

How can I come to peaceful decision with that hanging over me?

I'm so, so sorry to go on like this, but I don't know who else I can talk to. I'm quite close to getting on a train and going to stay with my family for a week, but that would cause questions to be asked that I don't want to answer.

HP- is his primary point that the timing isn't great? because perhaps you both could come to some sort of consensus on that.

No, I don't think so, he said a year after we got married that he may never want children. He hadn't mentioned it in the ten years before that. He then got really worried I was going to leave him, so he said he would do what I wanted.

I know he would do, but I can't forget what he said. How do I know how I really feel with that in the back of my mind?

Let's put it this way. I'm sat up here soul searching. He is downstairs choosing whether to watch 24 or turn the laptop on.

Poor HP! How are the eyes? I am not sure what else to add that hasn't been said before. I agree that I wouldn't want to coerce someone into having children if they didn't, it wouldn't be fair on them, you and possibly also even the kids. However, this doesn't help matters at your end does it. What kind of thing is he saying, and does he seem quite adamant about it or is it just little comments all the time? Do you think he'd come round to the idea eventually or is he pretty much of the red frame of mind?
I wouldn't be able to forget what he said either, for the reasons I've just stated (I've always found it uncomfortable when female friends have half forced their partners into it, although I have to say that the said partners have always come round far more than it would have ever been thought when the kids were actually born.)
Sorry I can't be more use - hope you're feeling a bit better and communication lines are opening (and he's not watching bloody 24!)
I'm here all night if you want to ramble on xx

SeaGreen sorry I forgot to mention you when I was getting carried away with HP's woe's! Sorry to hear you're gloomy too. Is it cash things or job things or, er, something else? (Obviously, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to!) Hope things perk up for you soon too x
ps thanks for those links. I have thought of the scrapbook style thing before and think it could work well. Also rather like the chunky book, but think I might save that as it wouldn't work as well as the BobBooks one with the pics I have so far.

Chin up guys!

HP - am wondering if there is any way for you to pitch the que sera sera plan, dressed up as a "let's be impulsive and try it out as a grand adventure" thing?
i don't mean to sound trite- could it be that it's a question of subtle windowdressing being required?
this lady here says that getting the men excited about the gear is the way to go. this is obviously a hilarious post but the key thing i learnt here is that there's a great deal to be said for the way something is pitched. and most men love gadgets. here's the amazing blog entry.
i know that the way my mum refers to motherhood sometimes puts me off it (obviously not saying that is the case for you, but trying to illustrate the point), and the way this blogger talks about it makes me want to go and start plopping 'em out!

confused - in a nutshell, all of the stuff you mentioned and then some!
thanks..
will (very) eventually perk up, always do.

Oh dear ladies, we need some wine and chocolate on this thread. So sorry to hear that things are so tough for so many of us at the moment.

Confused just focus on doing what S would like. The remark that "It will just remind S that he is going to die" is utterly fatuous. S is probably not likely to forget it! More likely it will remind S how much he is admired and loved, something he is going to need. Do what you think is best for S, sod the naysayers.

Seagreen curse the Daily Torygraph and and mail scaremongering depts. I am feeling very proud of my little bit of the NHS at the moment. Until very recently I worked for the NHS Knowledge Service, who produced the "Behind the Headlines" service. The daily mail is a public health menace. Anyway, who cares if I've only got 72,000 eggs left - I only actually need one!

LST I hadn't realised that there was such a long wait between initial referal and treatment. What a pain. So difficult when you are organising your life to work around it.

Suerock what a bugger about your job. All you need is more uncertainty...

Oh HoneyPetal, I wish i knew what to say and how to help. You are in such a tough position. I suppose the obvious question is how does he know he definately doesn't want children? I can't imagine ever being decisive enough for that. Obviously I will be taking your side emphatically in this, but he sounds like he is applying a tiny bit of emotional blackmail here. He's told you he may never want children, and then said that if you wanted kids then he would go along with it only to prevent you from leaving him. What he wants is for everything to carry on as normal and all the baby stuff to go away.

For what its worth, I think asking someone to abandon the possiblity of ever having children is a much bigger and more invasive sacrifice than asking someone who isn't keen to give having children a go. And I don't get the impression that he thinks he's asking you to give up anything (i.e. you don't have kids, so you can't miss what you don't have etc etc).

I vote for the 'Que sera sera' plan. Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

As for me, I am so green it hurts and am terrified that I may never manage to have kids at all. I go to the docs tomorrow night for my test results and hopefully get our referal to the fertility clinic. DH has had his results back and is just below normal morphology so has to go for a retest (a semen viva? ).