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Conception

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Original poster

Really want another child but im 42. Am I too old?

213 replies

Pjsandpringles · 07/01/2023 00:45

I currently have 2 children. Myself and my partner really want another. I don't know if I'm kidding myself because I'm 42. I am very aware that at my age it will be much harder to conceive and there is obviously risks involved.

Am we being totally stupid?

OP posts:
Suzi89 · 17/01/2023 19:16

Yeah it’s so bizarre

Pipps80 · 17/01/2023 19:20

Defo not too late!!

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/01/2023 19:21

Suzi89 · 17/01/2023 19:01

Will you get over yourself!? You seem really miserable, there are higher risks of birth defects for women who have smoked, are overweight, are using IVF, shall we stop all those people having children?! She’s much more likely to have a healthy baby than one that isn’t, it’s only slight elevated risks.

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Of course! The miscarriage rate at 42 is 45% though which is quite high. Everything else can be tested for or investigated through scans etc. For me the issue would be the baby would grow up as an ‘only child’ with 2 older parents.

HildasLostSock · 17/01/2023 19:30

I had DC2 naturally at 45. Took several years of trying I had intended to have DC2 by 41/42. You're not kidding yourself, good luck!

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 17/01/2023 19:49

@Cuppasoupmonster my miscarriage rate is already 81%. Im very aware my chances of miscarrying are higher than not. It's a risk I will take.
There's plenty people who have only children. Yes we're older but we also have more free time, we are financially secure, we have a loving home which is a lot more than other children have.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 17/01/2023 19:58

Pjsandpringles · 17/01/2023 19:49

@Cuppasoupmonster my miscarriage rate is already 81%. Im very aware my chances of miscarrying are higher than not. It's a risk I will take.
There's plenty people who have only children. Yes we're older but we also have more free time, we are financially secure, we have a loving home which is a lot more than other children have.

Money doesn’t make up for losing both parents quite young. Which hopefully won’t happen but its more likely. Plus if he/she chooses to have kids you’ll most likely be approaching your late 70s, which would be a little sad. It may also muddy the waters with your older children - do you have half siblings or step siblings?

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 17/01/2023 20:05

@Cuppasoupmonster yes I have full, half and step siblings. Between the youngest and oldest there was 34 years. What does that have to do with anything? . I also know you can lose a parent at any age. My family tend to have long lives. I had a close relationship with great grandparents on both sides. Only just lost my grandparents last year.

OP posts:
Morgana123 · 09/02/2023 21:45

To be fair, I would much rather have older parents that are financially stable, emotionally mature and confident on their skin over younger parents any day. The worst thing ever, by experience and observing, is to have a set of parents that want to seal their marriage with a child. Normally when you are older and mature if you become a parent is by choice and consciousness.
I realise this is a board where you post to fish ppl’ experiences but at the end of the you are the one who knows you, your partner and the logistics of it all! I would apply logic, common sense and a lot of planning root to deciding … but if it is in your heart and you both can afford the financial and emotional changes a child can bring to your lives and household, by all
means ho for it ❤️ good luck in your decision x

MissWings · 10/02/2023 11:50

I know this is horribly shocking for Mumsnet but it is perfectly possible to have children young whilst doing okay financially and also being mature enough to raise well adjusted kids. I mean speak for yourselves but I was quite self sufficient from my 20s onwards.

I am 34 now and mine and my husbands children are getting on just fine. Many of our couple friends are in their late 40s/early 50s because we made friends through our kids (and their sports teams etc).

From what I can see there are a lot of couples in their late 40s who are definitely not as emotionally secure as me and my husband. Lots of affairs, failed businesses and people feeling trapped in unhappy marriages which often doesn’t have favourable outcomes for their teenage kids!

I mean I’m not saying me and my husband are immune to life but we are in our 30s with teens and older kids and still very much together and in love. I think that’s a very significant factor to be honest when thinking about how secure your kids will feel from their adolescence and onwards. Some of our friends are very wealthy but it doesn’t mean much when you can’t stand each other.

Pinkdafodils · 10/02/2023 12:32

To be fair, I would much rather have older parents that are financially stable, emotionally mature and confident on their skin over younger parents any day.

You seem to imply that younger parents are not financially stable, emotionally mature and confident?

By late 20s/early 30s many parents will have built up their careers and feel ready and mature enough to welcome children.

Morgana123 · 10/02/2023 15:02

I am not implying that’s my opinion… to begin with the human brain fully matured by age of 25. In your 30s you are usually still building your career, not much flexibility some still paying their study loans and building savings for their mortgages. By late 30’ early 40’ you have lived through various experiences, learned tones, enjoyed your freedom and marriage, learnt to accept your flaws and your partners flaws, your hormones are much more levelled, your career much more stable to be able to work less or maybe more flexible … I did it all… from marrying at 18 having kids from 21 to 30yo and adopting at 38yo… my adopted child definitely got the best out of my other 4 children. Nope, I was never a stay at home mother (not that I see as a problem it is actually wonderful if you can afford!), high earner banker in the city whom had to build a career, study and attain mortgage et tal by working and raising kids. I would do completely diff if I could revert back time.
Finally, yes, I am generalising, I am not referring to the outliers ie those with bsnk of mum and dad, family support for babysitting, from a rich or privileged families etc . I am referring to working class, lower middle class.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 16:04

I have to say l had my last at 42. She had a much better deal than the others.

Pinkdafodils · 10/02/2023 16:10

In your 30s you are usually still building your career, not much flexibility some still paying their study loans and building savings for their mortgages.

If you go to University and graduate aged 21 then you could easily have built up a good career/salary by age 30?

MissWings · 10/02/2023 16:13

@Morgana123

Lol at your outlier definitions. I didn’t have a rich bank of mum or dad and wasn’t from a privileged background. I do have a fortunate life though and one that I started to build long before my brain fully matured 😉. You might have been immature at 18 but I certainly was not. I had had a lot of life experience by that point believe me. I am 34 and wouldn’t do anything different. Infact im proud of how my life has turned out, particularly from all the earlier adversity that I had faced in my life.

Three well adjusted kids, a home of my own, a husband who I love and a degree that I am just about to finish in May. (And a pretty good job too). You may wish you lived your life differently but that doesn’t apply to everyone who had kids young. I was determined to live a good life and give my kids what I did not have.

Also, you refer to stable hormones. I am not sure going through menopause with adolescents is much fun but I’ll be long past that stage thankfully.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 16:27

I’ve gone through peri and menopause with teens. It was fine. No issues.

MissWings · 10/02/2023 16:30

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Well it’s not fine for my sister in law who is going through hell with her perimeno. Her daughter who is 13 and also hormonal, doesn’t seem to be a good mix. It’s not something that will effect me anyway so I don’t need to concern myself with that thought.

Pinkdafodils · 10/02/2023 16:31

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 16:27

I’ve gone through peri and menopause with teens. It was fine. No issues.

Well you're lucky! Not all women find the symptoms of menopause easy.

Johnnysgirl · 10/02/2023 16:31

Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 11:43

No it's not a red flag.

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It is, actually.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/02/2023 16:33

Pinkdafodils · 10/02/2023 16:31

Well you're lucky! Not all women find the symptoms of menopause easy.

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Actually l had a terrible time. But it didn’t affect anything to do with teens.

QueenofallIsee · 10/02/2023 16:35

I am the same age with older kids, husband of 5 years has kids of his own and we have blended. I personally feel too old but more crucially, the wonderful blended family we have built works so well I would be fearful of disrupting it! We got off pretty lightly with our kids, they get on well and are strong friends but i wouldn’t tip the scales and ask for even more acceptance.

MissWings · 10/02/2023 16:35

@Pinkdafodils

Exactly. My sister in law has never struggled with her mental health but she’s now on a cocktail of antidepressants because the generic one they initially prescribed didn’t touch the surface. She is also on HRT, but has admitted she has struggled to deal with her teen daughter and peri coinciding at the same time. The menopause has hit her like a ton of bricks.

MissWings · 10/02/2023 16:37

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

So you had a terrible time dealing with your menopause and you don’t think for one minute that did not impact your teenagers at the time?

Yeah right. Unless you live in a vacuum far away from family members I find that very hard to believe.

Rainbowbaby13 · 10/02/2023 16:48

Why shouldn't you have another one lots of people have babies when they are 40+ now - if you both want one then why not

Rainbowbaby13 · 10/02/2023 16:49

Ps good luck to you

Morgana123 · 10/02/2023 16:50

@MissWings Good for you! Gladly we live in s democratic country whereby everyone is entitled to their opinion and feel respect for it. Hats off to you, you should feel proud 👏