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Conception

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Original poster

Really want another child but im 42. Am I too old?

213 replies

Pjsandpringles · 07/01/2023 00:45

I currently have 2 children. Myself and my partner really want another. I don't know if I'm kidding myself because I'm 42. I am very aware that at my age it will be much harder to conceive and there is obviously risks involved.

Am we being totally stupid?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 11:57

@LaLuz7 you seem quite grabby. The house is in our name. We have wills that protects us both. I make way more than him. Im not interested in his money. It's him im interested in.
So you think women should marry for money and security? I've got that on my own. I don't need a man for that.
I'm with him because I love him.

OP posts:
Purplemagnolias · 15/01/2023 12:10

No, I wouldn’t create a blended family and muddy the waters. Just be content with what you have. You don’t need a baby with every partner.

This. I'm just over 50 and both my children are at University now. I really enjoy the new found freedom to travel and enjoy with my dp.

A new baby at your age would 'tie you down' until beyond 60 Shock. Is that really what you want?

Ragwort · 15/01/2023 12:10

You are not too old ... I had my first (& only - by choice) DC at 42, wasn't even 'trying' to get pregnant. No issues with the pregnancy. Personally I feel I am a much better parent for being older ... but everyone is different.

Whether I would choose to have a child in your position with two older ones is a different matter... but that's not the question you are asking.

Purplemagnolias · 15/01/2023 12:12

If something happened to your DH and you met someone else who wanted a child would you refuse because you have 2 already?

Yes I probably would avoid getting pregnant again in that situation

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:13

@Purplemagnolias Yes! That's exactly what we want. A child doesn't need to tie you down. They are not a dog (we also have pets that do tie us down). What will having a child stop us from doing?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 12:13

Purplemagnolias · 15/01/2023 12:12

If something happened to your DH and you met someone else who wanted a child would you refuse because you have 2 already?

Yes I probably would avoid getting pregnant again in that situation

If that was me I would have another one.

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:14

Purplemagnolias · 15/01/2023 12:12

If something happened to your DH and you met someone else who wanted a child would you refuse because you have 2 already?

Yes I probably would avoid getting pregnant again in that situation

Why?

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 15/01/2023 12:18

No reason not to although I do
think you have to think carefully about the ramifications of having a disabled child and who would care for them.
have you had the 9 miscarriages investigated? If not I’d get on that asap as sometimes medication can help.
good luck!

Purplemagnolias · 15/01/2023 12:19

For all the reasons already mentioned on this thread

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:23

@BungleandGeorge , it has been investigated, and I was told just bad luck. I also have a tilted uterus, but they said they don't think that was the issue. If I had a disabled child, then we would look after them. My partner is a nurse, so he has medical experience. A disabled child would be loved as much as an able-bodied child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:24

@Purplemagnolias well thankfully we don't see a blended family as a bad thing.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 15/01/2023 12:26

As long as you are prepared to accept the risks and that you might not have another child, then reasonable I think.

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:29

@LlynTegid Yeah, we are totally aware that it might not happen but we would be so happy if it did. We wouldn't go down IVF or medical intervention routes. Just remove the barriers we had in place and see what happens.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 15/01/2023 12:42

Not doubting at all that you’ll love the child but I think you do have to consider the practical implications of who will potentially provide care when you are unable to.

Darkdiamond · 15/01/2023 12:47

LaLuz7 · 15/01/2023 11:43

Marriage is just a piece of paper just like a house title is just a piece of paper. Just like a will is just a piece of paper. It's got major financial implications.

Making a baby with you shows commitment to the baby, not to you. Marrying you would be a social and especially a financial commitment to YOU.

And I can't help but notice you dodged the question of how long you've been together...

Show quote history

I agree with this.

Beefcurtains79 · 15/01/2023 12:49

You initially say all money is shared (which is unusual after 3 years together) then say you are completely financially independent?

Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:54

@BungleandGeorge They will be taken care of in the same way as the other DC will be if we both get hit by a bus tomorrow. IF we had a child with severe disabilities, then we would make sure there were plans in place for their care when we were unable to. I understand being aware of risks, but I'm not going to plan my life, assuming the worst is going to happen. If I did that, I would have no children or partner and live in a bubble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:57

@Beefcurtains79 No, I said that all bills and finances are shared BUT if we were to split, I would be financially independent. We can run our home on either one of our incomes individually. I don't need his money, and he doesn't need mine.

OP posts:
Moonriver79 · 15/01/2023 12:58

Beefcurtains79 · 15/01/2023 12:49

You initially say all money is shared (which is unusual after 3 years together) then say you are completely financially independent?

Why is this unusual after 3 years together? Send quite usual to me

Blip · 15/01/2023 13:01

UK average age for a first time mother is now 31 and for fathers 34.

If it's what you want and you are still able to conceive I see no issues with your age other than the increased risks which I'm sure you already know.

ShowOfHands · 15/01/2023 13:48

Theoretically, I don't see any issue with it and have friends the same age as me (42) who are pregnant or have little babies. However, I could not do it I don't think. Not because I'm not fit and healthy and I'd find it tough as I'm in good shape. The pregnancy, labour and early years wouldn't be the issue, it would be the teens and twenties.

I spent a lot of time thinking about ageing over Christmas. My Mum is 68 and my MIL, 61 and both have said this year that they couldn't host in the same way anymore. They're older and for the first time it shows. Not old, that's not what I mean. Just that they're both at a point in their lives where they are ready for retirement, embracing the next stage. And they're fit and healthy for their respective ages but just ready to dial it down. Their youngest DC are 42 and 34 respectively and they aren't having to support through A Levels, university or housing young adult DC. They're solvent, travelling, doing hobbies, learning new skills. And they deserve it. They were lucky to have the joy of parenthood and are now enjoying grandparenthood. I looked at them and thought, yes, I want that. When I'm 60, my youngest will be 30 and hopefully, there will be a clear segue into enjoying my autumn. I'm sure there's utter contentment whatever your path but given a clear choice, I choose to let new parenthood go as a potential option in my life.

Ragwort · 15/01/2023 15:00

Show you make it sound like 60 is ancient! I am mid 60s, can easily host Christmas, am working, caring for an elderly parent (who is actually pretty active herself at 90!) volunteering with rough sleepers, busy with other commitments and my DS is 21. I would never see someone in their 60s (assuming no serious health problems) as 'winding down'. Many of the people I volunteer with are in their 70s and older, full of energy and enthusiasm.

Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 15:09

Haven’t read the full thread
I had my second at 42 - not intentionally
(&DH ran off halfway through the pregnancy)

It is harder being older compared to being in my 30s and of course back then I had more support

FedUpWithEverything123 · 15/01/2023 15:48

Personally I wouldn't do it - the health risks to the child posed by higher maternal and paternal ages would be too much for me to bear.
Also, for the woman, reduced fertility, higher chance of miscarriage etc.
You'll have loads of replies saying 'I did it and it and everything was fine, go for it' - but those replies ignore the fact that higher age means higher risk of serious health issues.

Purplemagnolias · 15/01/2023 16:36

Pjsandpringles · 15/01/2023 12:24

@Purplemagnolias well thankfully we don't see a blended family as a bad thing.

Neither do I! But I still wouldn't want to get pregnant again at your age and in your situation with two older children