Really want another child but im 42. Am I too old?

[Pjsandpringles]

I currently have 2 children. Myself and my partner really want another. I don't know if I'm kidding myself because I'm 42. I am very aware that at my age it will be much harder to conceive and there is obviously risks involved.

Am we being totally stupid?

You say that one of your existing children has autism. Sure the needs and deserves a lot of your time and support. Would adding a newborn really be wise, not to mention the increased risk of complications?

I would do it, especially if my OH didn’t have children. Plus I didn’t get to experience raising a child with an OH so it would make me more willing to do it.

@Purplemagnolias autisim is different with every child. Yes he has additional/different needs but I know what they are and we are all good. A new baby won't take anything away from my children

@Pjsandpringles I'm 6 weeks pregnant and I am 41. Will be almost 42 when he/she arrives, if all goes well. I have three children from a previous relationship with my ex husband, who are 12, 9 and 7. Good luck to you. There of lots of us in our 40s. I have to say though I didn't ever think back when I had my 7 year old, that I would be in this boat again x

I'm 20 weeks and I'm 42 in a couple of weeks. Don't care about whether people think I'm too old. Natural conception - no help.

@Maryquitecontrary55 mine was a natural conception too, second month trying x my midwife tells me I'm not old, lol x

It truly isn’t anyone’s else’s decision but your own as you know and you sound pretty convinced it’s right for you so only want to wish you well, good luck!

@Ragwort you misunderstand me. I don't mean winding down life, I mean winding down on the active parenting/responsibility. My Mum still works part time, volunteers, runs her allotment, travels, has a very busy social life and is doing up a house. MIL works full time, volunteers, supports FIL through marathon training, exercises, hikes, runs a couple of social clubs, hosts students at home. They're actually busier than ever but they can be because their children are fully independent.

What I meant is that they aren't actively running a non-driving teen around or topping up student loans, nor do they have DC living with them. They host Christmas as much as ever but they aren't taking responsibility for other people's Christmases iyswim, more hosting disparate families who come together as a wider unit. My friend has a 19yr old and 17yr old at home and had to drive them to parties, pick them up late on the 24th, take into account their presence in the house over Christmas. Her DC need her active support on a daily basis in a way that my parents/ILs don't.

I'm anticipating the next stage, the one where my dc are independent and for me, that will happen in my 50s. I plan to have a whale of a flipping time in my 60s, not give up on life!

I'm anticipating the next stage, the one where my dc are independent and for me, that will happen in my 50s. I plan to have a whale of a flipping time in my 60s, not give up on life!

Completely agree.

I'm early 50s and all our kids are now off at Uni. I feel so excited about the fun things dh and I can now do together!

@ShowOfHands i could have that in my 60's too.
I adore being a mum though. I love the business, the family days, the teaching them new things. Being a mum is hands down the best thing I've done and I would love to do it all again. This time with someone by my side.

Bloody hell @ShowOfHands I’m 60 and exactly as fit, active, energetic and willing and able to parent my teenagers as I was at 30. And while you and others looking forward to kids “off your hands” in your 50s were settled down, knee deep in nappies in your 20s, in mine I was travelling the world, single, having fun. I loved parenting toddlers in my 40s and teens in my 50s+. I had the enthusiasm and patience for it I would not have had when younger. Everyone is different. We all prioritise different things at different ages.

Good luck OP!

That's totally my experience too Missed ... I would have hated to spend my 20s and 30s raising DC but felt much 'readier' for it when I reached my 40s. And topping up my DS's Uni loan is much easier when you are established in your career and the mortgage paid off .... even if am early 60s ...but each to their own .. so long as we are happy with the choices we make in life .

And while you and others looking forward to kids “off your hands” in your 50s were settled down, knee deep in nappies in your 20s

No, I was studying, working abroad, traveling and building up my career during my 20s.

For kids to be 18 in your early 50s you don't need to get pregnant until 33 or 34!

I have an ASD Dd. There’s different ways of presenting on the spectrum.

She has sensory issues and won’t speak to the teacher in class. But she has loads of friends. She doesn’t really need loads of support.

Depends on your physical (and mental!) health.

If you’re in great shape, go for it!

If you’ve got a bad back / prolapsed womb had SPD / incontinence issues from previous childbirth / can’t handle 2 yrs of multiple night wakings and crawling around the floor with a toddler, then maybe have a hard think about whether you can afford practical help.

The hardest bit will be trying every month, convincing yourself you have early pregnancy symptoms, and then being disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I did this for many many years and it was soul-destroying, I am a different person now. I wish you better luck but suggest you try to view it as a ‘This might happen or it might not’.

@Thesonglastslonger that would be exactly what we would do. Just remove the barriers and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't then it doesn't.
I was very sick during my first pregnancy but wasn't even nauseous during my second. Other than that both were straight forward. No health issues to worry about

@Thesonglastslonger ive also only had sleepless nights with puppies and not really babies 🤣🤣. My children were very good sleepers from the start. Sleepless nights have never bothered me

I don’t get this desire to ‘give’ each man a baby. It seems somehow wrong to talk of a human life that way. Especially not in your forties when there’re existing children and a substantial age gap. I just find the idea so unappealing.

I do accept that I am not particularly romantic or sentimental about having children, and was always largely devoid of any biological urges to have them, though.

I don’t get this desire to ‘give’ each man a baby. It seems somehow wrong to talk of a human life that way. Especially not in your forties when there’re existing children and a substantial age gap. I just find the idea so unappealing.

It seems that the 'gift' to the new man is more important the needs of the existing children. The latter should always be prioritised imo.

That's not being the case at all here. There's nothing wrong having another baby to a partner you haven't got kids with. Doesn't mean the older children are going to get forgotten

No i think its a bit selfish tbh be happy with the children you've got.

I'm enjoying being a Grandma in my 40s I couldn't imagine going through pregnancy again now, it feels a lifetime ago.

@BunchHarman where have I said I want to give him a child. WE want a child.
@MintyPrincess having children is inherently selfish no matter the circumstances. Doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Should he be happy with the children he has? That would be none btw.
@Purplemagnolias im not gifting him a child. WE want a child. Me as much as him. Joint decision. It was my suggestion because if we want a child then we need to get on with it.

@Emmamoo89 thank you

No. You’re not too old.

There are no certainties in life at all. It’s understandable why people look at life and ageing and think about what “should” happen at each age and stage, but the future isn’t certain for anyone so planning an ideal future is only guesswork. You might find that having teenagers while you’re 60 keeps you young (many older parents report this). You might find you get so much life force and joy from more family, of more varied ages, around you as you age. You might find you are more motivated to look after yourself as an older parent, thus increasing your health, wellbeing and length of life.

There could be downsides too, which I’m sure are swirling around your head plenty. But there are upsides and downsides at any age.

I think as he doesn't have children that's ok. Would your existing DC be ok with it?